I’ve gotten lost in my own thoughts lately, life was finally going a little bit smoother- but suddenly I found myself losing hope again and the feeling of hopelessness took over. I feel like this is the biggest problem with suffering from depression: Once you open that door where the darkest thoughts are created, it’s so hard to close that gate completely.
Once you have thought the darkest of thoughts; that life just isn’t making sense anymore and you question if it’s even something you want: These thoughts are SO hard to let go of completely, choosing life a 100% when you’ve felt just how much it can hurt- That is so hard for me to do.. And I wish it weren’t like this, I wish I were not like this!
I didn’t mean for this to get this dark. but that’s what happens sometimes when you just let your inner pain flow from mind to virtual paper. It feels like bleeding in a way. And in a way it feels both a little like self-harm, and a little bit (more) like healing. Hence why I call this song “The pain and the pleasure of the poet”.
Life IS both pain and pleasure.. When I die, I want to know that I had the courage and strength to feel all of it. But I feel like there is room for huge improvement when it comes to saving myself from the darkest places of my mind. Now that I have “bled” it all out, it’s time to search for the LIGHT. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a new start. I wish you a good night, let’s make the most of tomorrow! <3 (I’m not gonna die tonight if I have a say in it!)
Oh no
Not this, not again
Darkness is taking control of my brain
I was just getting ready for life again
Now all I want is for it to end
I don’t know if it’s even true
if I told you, I really did try
Now I’m writing letter after letter
It’s so hard to find the words
for the final goodbye
Is this the final goodbye?
I want to be wiped out from history
I want to escape the feeling of constant misery
I don’t want you to see the worst sides of me
I have lost the will to live
I guess it ain’t no mystery
See, I never asked to be born
It always felt like such a big mistake
I could never find my place in life
I can’t see a place for me within the human race
I think I should have been a distant star on the sky
Shining on you a trillion kilometres away from space
..and I am so, so sorry
I am sorry for everything I cannot be
I am sorry that you always had to be so much stronger than me
Feels like I’ve died slowly since the day of birth
There’s no room for me here, I just want a hole in the earth
I can feel my heart beat slower, slower..
I just want to be buried, I just want it to be over
Thoughts, they torture
I can tell my time has come
Tonight is the time of departure
Is tonight the time of departure?
I never asked to be born!
I always felt like such a big mistake!
I could never find my place in life
Could never really fit in with the rest of the human race
I think I should’ve been a distant star on the sky
Shining on you a trillion kilometres away from space
(I couldn’t hurt you from there..
I don’t want you to hurt!)
Ok, so if I die tonight
Promise me you’ll look up at the sky
and I hope you are filled with grace
Let me be one of the stars, shining down on you
Let me rest up there, a trillion kilometres away
Let me shine on you from space
But when I think of abandoning you completely, I am filled with regret..
Maybe I am ready to leave myself right now
but I am not ready to leave you just yet..
I’m not ready to leave you yet!
This is my pain, at least I am brave enough to show it
These are my words, from the depths of my mind
This is the pain and the pleasure of the poet
The pain and the pleasure of the poet
I guess it is both the pain and the pleasure that made me a poet..
