Been singing on this for a while now. Finally wrote it down 😅 For my dad. Forever in my blood. Always in my heart..

 

 

When the night turns dangerous and I feel so small

When I feel closed in behind all these walls

All these walls

And I lose my way

Inside the halls

The haunted halls

Of my mind

It’s you

It’s always you

I need to find

 

I’m calling on you

Calling your name

Tell me, Universe

What does it take

To bring you back to life again

Back to life again

Back to life again..

 

When life throws at me more than I can take

When my foundation starts to shake

It starts to shake

I want to break free like I imagine you to be

I wish you’d have a voice again so you could answer me

I lose my sight at times, and I can’t always see

The danger zones, they always find a way to me

They find their way to me

 

And then I’m calling on you

Calling your name

I beg of the Universe

Bring you back to life again

Back to life again

 

I tell myself you are safe in the ground

That I can give myself what you did

when you were around

And when I lose my mind I’m thinking you’re still alive somehow

But if you are, you are a ghost that can’t be found

Oh, I wish that it was true

I think if anyone truly loved me it was you

It was you

It was YOU

 

I’m calling on you

Calling your name

What does it take to

Bring you back to life again

Bring you back to life again

Amen!

Amen..

Amen…

 

 

Først av alt: Jeg skal ikke gå i dybden på den delen av mitt eget privatliv som har omhandlet andre mennesker. De sangene jeg legger ut her forteller vel mer enn nok. Jeg gjør det ikke med onde intensjoner- virkelig, det er bare sånn jeg mestrer det livet slenger min vei, sånn jeg bearbeider og prosesserer ting, reflekterer og forhåpentligvis blir litt smartere av. (Her må jeg bare legge til at jeg har reflektert meg frem til at jeg trenger å bli MYE smartere.. Men hva har man livet for, om ikke akkurat den prosessen der..?)

 

Så med den disclaimeren unnagjort, hopper jeg over til det jeg faktisk vil dele. Nå er sommeren snart offisielt gått over i høst, og planen min denne sommeren var jo egentlig bare å nyte. Ikke stresse med fremtid, hva og hvor jeg skal, ikke legge noe press på meg selv i det hele tatt. Men midtveis ut i sommeren begynte jeg å tenke litt frem likevel, og etter litt googling skjønte jeg jo at jeg burde kanskje ha lagt en slagplan FØR jeg tok sommerferie.. For nå er jo alle frister til skolene gått ut. Og jeg har virkelig lyst til å gå på skole til høsten. Samme hva omtrent, bare jeg får brukt hjernen litt.

 

Men voksenopplæringen opererer visst med restplasser, så kanskje jeg får det til likevel. Og hvis ikke, så kommer det en ny sjanse på nyåret igjen. Og jeg har hatt ørene åpne og notert ned alt av potensielle muligheter til å prøve meg på noe, så ja.. Det finnes muligheter. Jeg håper bare jeg klarer å lande på noe der jeg FOR EN GANGS SKYLD HER I LIVET opplever noe som kan minne om mestring.. Herregud, det trenger jeg. Nå, mer enn noen gang tror jeg. Det er kjipt å mislykkes i hva det enn skal være, er det ikke. Kanskje mest av alt når det kommer til relasjoner.. (Og her skjønner jeg jo at jeg er helt håpløs, og at såra mine går dypere enn jeg var klar over..)

 

Men jeg har lært mye av det jeg har gått igjennom i det siste også. Lært at jeg klarer å ha grenser, være tydelig, holde fast på mine egne prinsipper og ikke lar meg påvirke til å ta samme destruktive valg som andre gjør (Jeg har nok destruktiv atferd fra før, bare så det er sagt- BUT working on it) og jeg har både bein i nesa og ryggrad. Jeg har viklet meg inn i noe jeg nok burde ha holdt meg unna fra starten av, men på samme tid så vet man ikke alltid før man har gjort seg opp sin egen erfaring.

 

I følge en afrikansk ur-religion opererer ikke skjebnen etter en strak linje, men den opptrer mer som en krok som huker tak i deg hver gang du kommer bort fra kursen du var ment for- Og om det er sånn, så kan jeg vel bare konkludere med at skjebnen vil at jeg skal bli narkoman. For med jevne mellomrom hukes jeg inn i et miljø og en verden jeg egentlig ikke vil ha noe med å gjøre (Her skal jeg ikke utdype mer enn at hvis du er bare bittelitt klar over hvor gjennomsyret råtten, brutal og nådeløs den verdenen er, så skjønner du).. Og her kan jeg vel bare si at jeg ikke har tenkt å la noe “skjebne” styre livet mitt- for når jeg ender opp der, så er den eneste som kan huke tak i meg og få meg tilbake på den kursen JEG vil ha- MEG SELV. Og den brutale sannheten gjelder vel for oss alle. (Og her må jeg bare hive inn enda en disclaimer for NOPE jeg har ikke rusa meg selv om det har vært tilgjengelig  som bare pokker)

 

Jeg har ikke spikret en plan for det kommende halvåret enda, men det jeg vet med sikkerhet er at jeg vil ha fokus på å ta gode valg for meg selv, jeg vil spille for eget lag og jeg håper virkelig at jeg klarer å spille meg selv god. Og skal man klare det, må man nesten ha stamina til å stå i det å være dårlig også.. For vil jeg ut av komfortsonen, og prøve noe nytt, så må jeg la meg selv være nybegynner og det innebærer å gjøre feil. Jeg har en skikkelig svakhet der, men jeg vil så gjerne luke den ut.

 

Med det vil jeg bare si at jeg håper alle har hatt en fin sommer, og at det smitter over på høsten også ❤️

 

 

 

I’ve been such a fool

Shut off, brush-off, handcuffed

Now I’m frozen from keeping it cool

I should have thought twice

There’s always a price

And now that I reflect

I see that I paid with my self-respect

 

There’s only me to blame

For whatever this messy affair became

I’m asking myself if I’ve been completely insane

What was ever in this for me

Apart from the guilt and the shame

 

Yeah, I should have thought twice

Shoulda really analyzed

Instead I froze, I got paralyzed

There’s always, always a price

And you can’t fix something this fucked up and defect

And now I’m wondering if I’ll ever fix

My broken self-respect

 

We fuck up, we’re human

Right?

We fuck up, then we learn

This was a lesson I guess

You are not always what you earn

 

Yeah, this was a lesson

Standards through the roof

I just gotta keep improving

Until my self-respect, my self-respect

Turns fucking bulletproof

 

 

All the bad girls, they used to be good girls

But this world isn’t made for good girls, nah

“If you ever need a knight, I’m here for ya”

What are we going to say now

Hah, hah, hah..

 

They burn us like nothing

We are all witches when they don’t get what they want

They burn us like nothing

We’re all bitches when we turn ’em down, nonchalant

 

All the bad girls, they used to be good girls

But no man deserves a girl that’s all good

There’s lines you just don’t cross

If you take boundaries for being a bitch,

then you got something seriously misunderstood

 

All the bad girls, they used to be good girls

But this world isn’t made for good girls, nah

“If you ever need a hero, I’m here for ya”

What do we say to that, huh

How ’bout “Hah, hah, haaah”

 

If you know what I mean when you look at your man

Then swap him for the sake of your hand

If you know what I mean when you look at your man..

Baby girl, swap him for the sake of your hand!

 

All the bad girls, they done being good now

All the bad girls, done being good now

And all the bad boys are left asking “HOW”

Now shit doesn’t fly, and we won’t allow

 

So if you know what I mean..

When you look at your man

Swap him, swap him

for the sake of your hand

Your body, your soul- you are holy land

YOU ARE HOLY LAND

So now the bridges burn

That’s what I have to learn

You gotta let it burn all the way to ashes

Before your entire world collapses

 

Am I saying that’s what it was, my whole damn world..?

That you were the sole reason it whirled?

 

What it feels like now..

Who knows?

What it was, what it meant

I guess time will show

Said it all the time, «this is just for rent»

Everything is, at the end of the day

Nothing really stands against the test of time

I don’t know about me

But I’m sure you will be just fine

 

Back to being the isolated island

Had to face it, I’m pretty fucked up

I was dying from thirst, I guess

But I was sipping from the wrong cup

 

I don’t know what I’m searching for

Have no clue what I need

All I know, is I’m still lacking the right tools

To build something that will succeed

 

So now the bridges burn, again

We always knew, didn’t we

It was just a matter of when

We always knew it, didn’t we

That we were just not ment to be

 

What it feels like now..

Shit, I don’t know

What it was, what it meant

I guess time will show

Said it all the time, «It’s just for rent»

Everything is, at the end of the line

Nothing stands against the test of time

And I don’t know about me

But you’ll be just fine

Yeah, you’ll be just fine

You got the pills, the weed, the booze

To keep me off your mind

 

 

 

I got stuck in the quicksand

Holding on to the wrong hand

From there it was just meeting demand

But no one is worth

Erasing yourself, and everything you stand for

When you feel yourself starting to rot at the core

And still they want more

 

So here’s the door, and now I’m walking out

There was a time I was lost in doubt

But I had to listen to my soul when it shouts

You gotta, gotta GET THE FUCK OUT

Marionette, I finally cut the chords

 

I asked the darkness, is it better to be lonely or in bad company?

My old self shook her head

There’s no escaping it, is it

We all walk alone

When we surrender to the dead

So if I can die alone, then I can live alone

I know I can, ‘Cuz at the end of the day

That’s all I’ve ever really known

 

There never was the space to air out how I’ve been feeling

There was always someone else that required dealing

I’ve been on this long journey looking for some kind of healing

Then I got stuck in the quicksand

And I held on to the wrong hand

And slowly, once again.. Life started to lose its meaning

 

So here’s the door, and now I’m walking out

For a while, I was lost in doubt

But I have to listen to my soul when it shouts

You gotta, gotta GET THE FUCK OUT!

 

I fought so bloody hard for what I stand for

And I could feel myself starting to fall apart at my core

I don’t need a lot, but I do need more

I do need more

That’s just a fact, I’m not saying it with attitude

I’m just better off with my solitude

And I have to be loyal to myself

Over any dude

 

So here’s the door

I’m out

 

 

You have the drugs, I have the memories and the shame

I don’t know why I’m standing my ground, why I don’t join in on the game

I guess I prefer the gun before I resort to your solutions

I go insane, but at least I can say I don’t provoke it

So take your stash and choke on it

 

I see the future unfold from time to time, but I never ask to see

It’s always multiple scenarios, and I can’t tell which it’s going to be

But I guess I can say it’s in both of our cards

That we will never get that far

And I see early graves waiting for us both

I’m sorry, baby- I can’t lie under oath

 

You have the knife, I have the scars

Who knows, when you’ll pick me as an enemy

I saw the red flags, I heard the alarms, but I’m so used to them

When did any of us have any relationship that was some kind of healthy

I think the sad truth is

I prefer a stone cold murderer over someone pretending to save me

And I learned it the hard way:

Trusting anyone can be deadly

 

I see the past that I buried from time to time, and it brings me to my knees

I guess that is what fuelled this fucking disease

So it was always in my cards

That I will never get far

Trauma stunts your growth

And if I ever tried to take this shit to court

I  know I would be forced to lie under oath

 

Damaged children, trying to live like adults

You just gotta be grateful that you still have a pulse

That you survived all the suicidal impulses

You just gotta live with it

That you are someone the normal ones repulses

Like they can smell the rotten flesh from all the bullet holes

It’s like they can see the stains on our souls

 

Now I want to get back to my solitude

You are breaking all the rules

I don’t know why I stand my ground

All I know is it’s harder when you are around

We are two lost souls, sinking deep at sea

Maybe you feel like you’ll drown faster if you hang on to me

But I want to drown alone now

I feel lonelier somehow with your arms around my neck

I need to drown alone now

There’s only room for one inside this ship wreck

 

Let me drown alone, I’m not afraid

There was a time we felt like we were made

But we are just two lost souls that can’t be saved

Two lost souls that can’t be saved

So let go of my hand now

And drown alone

Because even with you

I feel lonely to the bone

I feel lonely to the bone

 

Little boys, trying to be kings

In a game, no one ever wins

 

You say you’re bullet proof

Like you got skin of steel

Like you’re not covered in raw and open wounds

That you can not heal

 

There’s a price for your head now

You burn bridges before you’ve crossed ’em

You think you have protection

But your allies knows how fast you tossed ’em

 

You say you’re bullet proof

Like you got skin of steel

Like you don’t always run away

Scared of every little thing you feel

 

All doors are locked now, no one invites you in

That’s the way it goes, when you flirt with all the mortal sins

Oh, these little boys trying to be kings

In this dirty game, no one ever wins

 

You say you’re bullet proof, bullet proof

Now the danger zone goes through the roof

You don’t have skin of steel

So you should have thought twice

before you signed the devil’s deal

 

Who’s gonna help you now

Yeah, you think you’re bullet proof

But now you gotta reap what you sow

 

 

I still remember the contempt in your voice

And how you looked at me like I had a choice

You knew damn well who dragged me there

You know more than me still

About this nasty, bloody affair

 

It’s easy for you to label me a snake

Because I snap when life throws more than I can take

And yeah, my lips may be venom, my tongue may be poison

But you, you burn

Like acid in my heart

 

Is the same story stored somewhere in both our brains?

If you told me what you know

Would I be able to bleed out

the venom that runs in my veins..?

 

I still remember how you betrayed me

The irony; pretended you were there to save me

And yeah, my lips may be venom, my tongue may be poison

Ice cold, I threw my heart in the toilet and flushed

But still you burn, burn like acid somewhere behind my rib cage

 

Are we both held by the same kind of chains?

If I erase my memory one more time, if I cut to the bone

Would I be able to bleed out

the venom that runs in my veins..?

 

So you think I’m like a snake

Because I snap when they shed my skin

And put my head on a stake

Did you forget that when they come for you

You just crumble down and break..?

Call me snake, call me anything

I was never two-faced like you, I was never this kind of fake

 

Is there any part of you that I loved, that still remains?

If I look into your eyes, if I stare into whatever is left of your soul

Is there any part of it that still remains??

If I cut all the way to the bone, would I be able to bleed out

the venom that runs in my veins

 

You, it’s still you

Holding on tight to the reins

You, it’s still you

The one holding me in chains

You, it’s still you

Burning like acid, like venom in my veins

You are the venom in my veins

 

Tell me what you think I’d like to hear

Honestly feels like you’re pissing in my ear

Every time I reach for you, you’re never there

And now the bubble burst, and my inflated latex heart is outta air

 

Now I know

Now it shows

Now I let you go

 

You knew how to break my wall

Cut my rope and watch me fall

Made me small to make you look tall

Now I see you don’t care at all

You just like to watch me crawl

 

Now I know

Now it shows

Now I let you go

Oh.. Oh!
Go, go, go!

 

Talk me back into your atmosphere

Like I wasn’t dying to just get outta there

Held my hand and broke my fingers

Blow up in my face, I can’t see clearly with my eyes full of splinters

If all you have to offer is war

Then I’m the fool of a soldier that still lingers

 

I can’t take the orders anymore

My life has always felt like some kind of war

I don’t know how to make peace, but I have to try

I have to be the general of my own life

And you are just not an ally..

 

Now I know

Now it shows

Now I let you go

Oh.. Oh!

Go, go, go.

 

Yeah, now I know

Now it shows

Now I let you go