Christmas & New Years glamsquad favorites

Hands down: Most appropriate red nailpolish for this season, at least in my opinion is OPI- An affair in Red Square. It’s a blue-based red with shimmer that makes it look metallic or even chrome-y.. It’s so vibrant!

  

 

 

Perfume is Love spell by Victorias Secret.  Bag/Lindex.  Metallic head band/H&M.  OPI/Affair in red square Lipstick is Gosh/Lambada

 

Nars multiple sticks in South Beach (bronzer) and Copacabana (highlight)

 

As the depressed lazy bum that I am, I’ll admit I’ve barely put on makeup this holiday… It’s my goal to do a proper dragqueen -face tomorrow buut.. I have my doubts.

Put a personal spin on it

Result from a couple of hours at the mall. Debriefing: Minimal damage done to bank account. Quite puzzling experience, this smells like.. Self.. Control..? (Not sure how to feel about it!)

Blue velvet pouch/Accessorize  Heartshaped pocket mirror/Gina Tricot 

 

only went there to seek out a jacket from H&M.. Faux fur of course- what is UP with that obsession? But seriously, I have rarely seen leopard print done so right..:

Image belongs to H&M 

left it at the store, it looks amazing when you leave it open but when closed.. Hello fluffball. Or pimp. I’m still obsessing over it, though! 

Call me Cruella. Cruella De Vil

I finally figured out why I love this jacket so much (except from the fact that it was dirt cheap).. It reminds me of one of my favorite Disney movies from when I was a kiddo, 101 Dalmatians! I wanted a dalmatian puppy so so bad.. I never got one though, so maybe that’s why I ended up walking around like the villain from that movie..? Or maybe I have just spent too much time in psychotherapy, and now I need a childhood trauma to blame for everything.. Yeah, that’s probably it.

This christmas I wanted to dress very over the top for once, buuut.. I’m too fat for my dresses. Yup, every single one of them. So dressy pants and white shirts and vintage sweaters has been my back up solution. To be honest, I’m not really comfortable in dresses. It makes me feel too feminine and restricted sort of? I’m not used to it, I guess. Also, my family are a bunch of grinch-types and no one really gives a rat’s ass about christmas but we go through with it to some degree because it’s intoctrinated upon us by society and religion and why the hell am I psychoanalyzing shit again. Point is, I could probably wear pyjamas and no one would even care. 

But accessories count as a part of the outfit! And how perfectly christmassy is this velvet backpack? I feel like I’m carrying around a tiny  decorated christmas tree..

 

And some red lips and nails- I tried to be a little bit glam at least. 

This was my first time trying to use an actual camera to take blog pics and well.. there is room for improvement, I know. Like how hard is it to actually tidy up the background a bit?? I’m also 99% sure that my vajayjay is not showing in that first photo (there’s a built-in boxer shorts in these pants so it’s supposed to not happen but my sight is not that great so I’ll just leave that 1% of doubt as a disclaimer).. I decided not to include my face as an act of kindness/belated christmas present to anyone stumbling across my shitty ass blog- HOLY SHIT that was not good for my self-esteem and I have a new found appreciation of my old Iphone 4s that makes me look somewhat.. human. 

 

I’m still alive

..I’ve just gained a “”few”” kilos!

Hjelpes, jeg er glad det ikke er jul hele året. Mistet selvkontrollen allerede på lillejulaften og etter det tenkte jeg bare “fuck it”. Vet ikke hvor mange kalorier som har sklidd ned gapet mitt, men det er ivertfall ikke få! Jeg er forbannet med en slags resistens mot kvalme, og det blir aldri nok for meg. Jeg har en teori om at istedet for magesekk så er jeg utstyrt med et svart hull. Et ekspanderende svart hull, derfor jeg legger på meg. Blir aldri kvitt den trøstespisinga, visst.

Men det har alt i alt vært en koselig jul. Jeg har tatt litt pause fra blogging fordi jeg følte at det tok litt over hjernen min, hah. Sånn skikkelig irriterende, “klarer ikke slutte å tenke i blogg-innlegg” virus på hjernen typ? Herregud, har virkelig fått respekt for folk som lever av å blogge. Jeg hadde nok blitt psykotisk av det. Av det også.

I et forsøk på å få opp bildekvaliteten her inne, så har jeg gravd fram det gamle kameraet mitt. Og her er tidenes mindfuck, for altså.. Mobilkameraet og det vanlige kameraet tar bilder av meg som to helt forskjellige folk??? Jeg tør faktisk å publisere noen av selfiene jeg tar med iphone, men det vanlige kameraet tar (unnskyld meg!) bilder som mest av alt ligner John Arne Riise i drag?? Altså et veldig markert, firkantet fjes uten øyebryn eller noe som helst feminint over seg.. Oh lord, selvtilliten min har gått helt i dass etter at jeg fant ut det. Takk og pris for min gamle iphone 4s med utdatert kamera- skal aldri kjøpe ny telefon!

 

Ok, så er det kanskje ikke kamera som er problemet….

Screwed

Hadde planer om å dra på skikkelig denne jula, med gallakjole og glam.. Men når jeg prøvde kjolene mine lille julaften så bare.. RIITSJ.. REVN.. Og så kom jeg på at uuups.. Jeg har glemt at for å passe de fleste kjolene mine må jeg huske å gå ned noen kilo før jul.. Det har jeg altså ikke gjort.. Heller omvendt. Strategisk blemme der.

Så fint da, at norsk jul ikke i det hele tatt kretser rundt det å ete.. I mengder. I massevis. Er jeg screwed eller? Lar disse bildene tale for seg:

(Er 98% sikker på at jeg ikke er gravid👍)Og i morgen er det på'n igjen..

🍗🍨🍬🍰🍖

I'm so damn screwed. Fat Camp here I come.

Goodbye twenties

Some pics from the day

Bare noen få timer igjen av 20-årene, og honestly.. Det er greit.

Jeg har stresset så sykt dette året med å pine meg selv, som om dét skal få meg fremover. For noen dager siden innså jeg plutselig at shit, jeg er jo faktisk skikkelig syk. Jeg har ikke tatt min egen depresjon på alvor. Jeg har vel egentlig ikke ville akseptere at jeg er deprimert engang.

Så har jeg blitt utredet for Posttraumatisk stress-syndrom, og jeg fikk stilt diagnosen kompleks PTSD. Jeg har vel ikke helt greid å forholde meg til at jeg har det, med alle symptomene det innebærer, heller. Min eneste jobb nå er å bli friskere. Jeg må lære å legge bort den jævla pisken, må lære å spille på lag med meg selv. Det virker litt som å lære å fly med vinger man ikke har, men jeg må prøve vertfall.

Jeg har greid å grave meg selv opp fra noen ganske dype hull her i livet, så jeg greier det nok denne gangen også.. Men det hadde vært utrolig deilig å få plantet føttene solid én gang, så jeg ikke sklir ned igjen. Jeg har så lyst til å føle at jeg lander litt i livet, både i meg selv og i forhold til andre ting. Føle på trygghet og stabilitet. Det er vel det jeg ønsker meg mest. Og selv om det virker håpløst til tider, så er jo fortsatt mulighetene der ute.

Det jeg er mest glad for nå, er vel innsikten i det at jeg faktisk ønsker å leve. Det er pokker så hardt av og til, men livet er jo også spennende og utfordrende. Jeg skrev en tekst i fjor, som jeg deler her:

Do not give up. What ever it takes.. Where ever you have to go, the failures you will face, the suffering you must endure.. In the end, you never wanted a simple life. You were cut, carved, created to be CHALLENGED.

Not to become a champion, hero, leader or saint.. But to become- by your own design- YOURSELF.

GoD JuL 😘

The dirty thirty

Finally back in my own apartment, after two coherent weeks at the institution..

Had to make a run to the grocery store, it’s ten minutes back and forth and well..:

Told ya I live in a cold & wet version of Hell..

Before I got to leave, they did an evaluation of suicide risk, which means they just ask you straight up if you’re going to commit suicide.. I wonder if anyone has ever said “yeah” to that, but me being annoyingly honest per usual said “Honestly I can’t give you an answer because I do not know for sure”. So I promised I would call them before doing anything and I was free to go. I didn’t say anything about the bag I just call my ticket to heaven that I keep in my closet, but even an honest asshole get to keep something secret. My coward ass is a good life insurance, sadly.

Don’t know what it is about bathroom floors that I find so therapeutic but something it is..

I’m turning the dirty thirty in a few days now, and honestly it’s been bugging me a lot- but I’m finally starting to accept that it’s going to happen regardless of how I feel about it so.. I’ve reached that level of stoner mentality where you are kinda “EHH” about everything. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a privilege getting older and shit, but at the same time when you’ve been through a lot of hardships 30 years seem like.. Enough. I sorta struck a deal with myself 15 years ago that 30 was going to be my last station. Unless I was able to fix myself and get my shit together, and I’ve managed neither. Doesn’t look like I’ll ever reach my goals right now, and it all just drag me straight to the bottom of the depression pit. I’m rambling..

Anyway, one day at the time. I need so bad to enjoy something again, and honestly I’m scared that without illegal substances there is no joy for me anymore. I have no idea how to round off this random post, so.. Wishing y’all a merry christmas.

Self versus Self

Play divide and conquer

Like some Roman Emperor

You’re the tyrant, I’m the servant

The whip is in your hand

Every word you speak is another demand

You mistreat me

‘cuz you can

 

Because I let you, I keep walking in circles but I never walk away. You’re the bitch talking in my head- and I just let you stay

 

I want to rise, you say “Sit down”

I do my makeup, you say I look like a clown

Wanna make new friends, you whisper they’ll hate me

Wanna climb up, you laugh and sneer that the fall will break me

You’re the tyrant, I’m the servant

and I’ll never be free

 

Don’t you ever get curious

Or is your only mode furious?

If you were on my side, how far we could go?

Is the reason you linger in hatred

Because you’re afraid you already know..?

 

You mistreat me ‘cuz you can

Well, maybe I’m done getting slapped by my own hand

And maybe I’m done walking in circles and I’m starting to understand

The bitch talking in my head, that’s my voice right there

If it’s my voice that means I can make it disappear

Might keep walkin’ in circles but

I’ll find my way outta here

👊

Mens vi venter på salget..

..Vel, jeg venter ivertfall 😉 Skal egentlig spare, men hvis jeg greier å overleve jula uten å kverke meg så kanskje 💸💸💸? Neida. Joda. (Ja til å få trøsteshopping på resept)

 

De siste par åra har jeg nesten kun handlet klær seconhand eller fra H&M. Hadde faktisk glemt kjeder som Only. Men shit pommfritt! Only har seriøst det beste utvalget av jakker og kåper jeg noengang har sett hos én produsent- ivertfall estetisk sett. Jeg vil ha nesten alt! Kåper med belte og hood? Loves it. Skulle bare ønske det var litt mindre 100% syntetisk, men flere av plaggene kommer ivertfall med ulik prosentandel ull- det er jo noe vertfall!

 

Some of my favs; all images belongs to Only.com

Den siste fuskepels kåpa her i beige/lysgrå har jeg prøvd på i butikk, og den er bare såå myk!

 

 

 

Zara er en kjede som jeg stort sett kun kjøper seconhand fra. Synes de tar blodpriser for mye som er 100% syntetisk og billig drittmateriale. Vet at de er elsket av motebloggere, men siden jeg bare er en wannabe””mote””blogger føler jeg at jeg kan si sånt 🤓 De lager sykt mye fint da, og jeg liker spesielt godt tilbehøret. Og siden jeg er one crazy Bag-lady, guess what I want?

Image property of Zara.com

Aldri tenk over det før, men gult passer faktisk til absolutt alle andre farger. Aah, sikla på den grå der longtime ❤ Studs and chains excite me🤘

 

 

Håper seriøst ikke jeg blir saksøkt for bruk av andres bilder nå, er ikke inni det der i det hele tatt.. 😇

Necromancer

 

I know you’ve been dead for years, but I won’t leave you alone

It’s been a downward spiral since you’ve been gone

I’m talking to you and I demand you to listen: We need to trade places

 

I had to learn how to fly, but I crashed and didn’t get to die

I was dismissed from the spirit world and I don’t know why

I had to pick up my broken bones and keep moving

I fuck up, no matter how hard I try

and to be honest I’ve stopped trying

So I turn towards the dying and I plead my case

 

We need to trade places

I need the best shamaan to clean up this mess

I didn’t pass the test, I have a lot to confess

“Thou shall not hate or do harm” Well, I’ve done both. I’m a loaded gun you can’t disarm

“Thou shall not plunder” Well I’m fierce as lightning and loud as thunder, and every time I strike someone goes under

I’m a maniac, murderer, mistress. I’m every damn thing, but a damsel in distress. We need to trade places.

 

I’m a boiling vulcano, I’m World War III in the making. I’m Fat man and Little Boy falling on the same location

I see a bloodbath coming worse than Hiroshima, Holocaust and Iwo Jima. I see hate fuelled by despair, and I’m the reaper who does not care. I’m not supposed to be here..

 

We need to trade places. Need to trade places, before I convert to the nightmare. Trade places, before the world as we know it disappear. Trade places, we need to trade places. Before it all goes down in flames.. You could restore a paradise lost, and all i want is Hades