To the one that made me feel

a little less alone

living with scars

that no one else can see

💔

 

 

 

You’ve always been my hero

Watched you rise all the way up from zero

Now I watch as people tear you apart

Even though you can’t defend yourself

They trash and they bash you

Label you this and label you that

Think they have you all figured out

Dumb pieces of shit..

Like they could have lived through any of it..

 

Complicated women, the world sure love to hate us

So damn forgiving of the monsters who made us

Screw you up and then they screw you over

and even in death, they can’t let you rest in peace

 

Oh babygirl, babygirl

Born into a rotten world

Babygirl, babygirl

You never really knew it, but

you truly were too good, and real, and raw

for this fucked up, twisted world

 

Yeah, you were a special one

I can’t believe your time is done

I’m sorry for everything you went through

All the pain you never asked for

All the shit you had no choice but to take

I’m sorry for all the twists and turns of life

Everything that made you feel like you would break

But through it all you stayed true

Never afraid to show your wounds or broken parts

That kind of brutal honesty is rare

That kind of vulnerability, it’s a beautiful thing

To have felt the deepest levels of pain,

and still be able to care

 

Oh babygirl, babygirl

Born into a rotten world

Babygirl, babygirl

You never really knew it, but

you truly were too good, and real, and raw

for this fucked up, twisted world

 

It’s funny how people think they have the right to

Scrutinize every aspect of a life they’ve never lived

Even when that life is over, they stand there with their scalpels

Making incisions and dissections

You die, and they fucking butcher you!

 

Complicated women, the world sure love to hate us..

So damn ignorant of the monsters who made us

Use and abuse, and it doesn’t even end when we die

You killed yourself..

And not a damn soul really cares about why

 

But babygirl, babygirl

You were born into a rotten world

Babygirl, babygirl

You truly were to good, and real, and raw

for this fucked up, twisted world

 

I can’t believe all these people talking smack

She’s dead and she’s not coming back

Let her rest in peace

Let her at least have that

LET HER AT LEAST HAVE THAT

 

 

 

 

Rolled outta bed by the time you got home from work

(I know, wow!)

Smoked ten in a row, my morning..

I mean afternoon routine is a fucking shit-show

(Welcome to the shit-show!)

Yeah, life is fucking wasted on me

Don’t you doubt it, ‘cuz beieve me: I know

 

Every damn day, in every damn way

It’s all done so damn amateur!

What do you expect

from this suicidal saboteur

Suicidal, suicidal

I’m a suicidal saboteur

 

Went to sleep around the time you woke up

(What!)

Had my coffee..

I mean vodka, that’s vodka in my cup

(Oh, just shut up)

I’m not drunk, I’m just hopeless

Doesn’t even help, life doesn’t hurt any less

 

Doesn’t hurt any less!

I dress for success,

but make no mistake

No matter the outfit, my life is a mess

My life is a mess!

 

And so it goes

Every damn day, in every damn way

It’s all done so damn amateur

What do you expect

from this suicidal saboteur

This suicidal, suicidal..

I’m just a suicidal saboteur

 

I’ve gotten lost in my own thoughts lately, life was finally going a little bit smoother- but suddenly I found myself losing hope again and the feeling of hopelessness took over. I feel like this is the biggest problem with suffering from depression: Once you open that door where the darkest thoughts are created, it’s so hard to close that gate completely.

 

Once you have thought the darkest of thoughts; that life just isn’t making sense anymore and you question if it’s even something you want: These thoughts are SO hard to let go of completely, choosing life a 100% when you’ve felt just how much it can hurt- That is so hard for me to do.. And I wish it weren’t like this, I wish I were not like this!

 

I didn’t mean for this to get this dark. but that’s what happens sometimes when you just let your inner pain flow from mind to virtual paper. It feels like bleeding in a way. And in a way it feels both a little like self-harm, and a little bit (more) like healing. Hence why I call this song “The pain and the pleasure of the poet”.

 

Life IS  both pain and pleasure.. When I die, I want to know that I had the courage and strength to feel all of it. But I feel like there is room for huge improvement when it comes to saving myself from the darkest places of my mind. Now that I have “bled” it all out, it’s time to search for the LIGHT. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s a new start. I wish you a good night, let’s make the most of tomorrow! <3 (I’m not gonna die tonight if I have a say in it!)

 

 

 

 

Oh no

Not this, not again

Darkness is taking control of my brain

I was just getting ready for life again

Now all I want is for it to end

 

I don’t know if it’s even true

if I told you, I really did try

Now I’m writing letter after letter

It’s so hard to find the words

for the final goodbye

Is this the final goodbye?

 

I want to be wiped out from history

I want to escape the feeling of constant misery

I don’t want you to see the worst sides of me

I have lost the will to live

I guess it ain’t no mystery

 

See, I never asked to be born

It always felt like such a big mistake

I could never find my place in life

I can’t see a place for me within the human race

I think I should have been a distant star on the sky

Shining on you a trillion kilometres away from space

 

..and I am so, so sorry

I am sorry for everything I cannot be

I am sorry that you always had to be so much stronger than me

Feels like I’ve died slowly since the day of birth

There’s no room for me here, I just want a hole in the earth

I can feel my heart beat slower, slower..

I just want to be buried, I just want it to be over

 

Thoughts, they torture

I can tell my time has come

Tonight is the time of departure

Is tonight the time of departure?

 

I never asked to be born!

I always felt like such a big mistake!

I could never find my place in life

Could never really fit in with the rest of the human race

I think I should’ve been a distant star on the sky

Shining on you a trillion kilometres away from space

 

(I couldn’t hurt you from there..

I don’t want you to hurt!)

 

Ok, so if I die tonight

Promise me you’ll look up at the sky

and I hope you are filled with grace

Let me be one of the stars, shining down on you

Let me rest up there, a trillion kilometres away

Let me shine on you from space

 

But when I think of abandoning you completely, I am filled with regret..

Maybe I am ready to leave myself right now

but I am not ready to leave you just yet..

I’m not ready to leave you yet!

 

This is my pain, at least I am brave enough to show it

These are my words, from the depths of my mind

This is the pain and the pleasure of the poet

The pain and the pleasure of the poet

I guess it is both the pain and the pleasure that made me a poet..

 

let me verify that the rumours are true: I AM SICK OF MEN 😉 (they are sick of me too ahah 🤪)

 

 

Beautiful, but cold

just like this country

Everyone loves you, no one can come close

Let me closer..

You have so much wrath bottled up that you yearn to expose

Give me all your rage

Don’t you be afraid to hurt me

I’m already hellbound, one you need not save

Hurt me, hurt me, I need the pain

Unleash all your wildest storms on me

I do not fear the rain

 

I want you

I want you!

Savage, brutal, raw

I do not fear you

Give me tooth and nail and claw

I want you, I want you!

You are the only thing that makes more sense to me

than the very Murphy’s law

 

We can be a beautiful disaster

One in the moment, I don’t need no happily ever after

Beautiful but cold, just like this country

Freeze my blood, make me blue

Some lust and long for the warmth

I just lust for you..

Let me closer..

Let me in!

I do not need to fight you

I’ll be happy to let you win

Hurt me, hurt me, I need the pain!

I do not fear you

I’ll let you be my bane

 

I want you, I want you, I want you!

Savage and brutal and raw

You can not scare me

Give me tooth and nail and claw

I want you, I want you, I want you

You’re the first thing that’s making sense to me

since I heard of Murphy’s law

 

I need you!

I need your cold embrace

I don’t want to look at anyone else

I just want to look at your face

Let me closer

I am drawn to your hate

At times I feel it too

Hurt me hurt me hurt me

I won’t judge you if you do

I need the pain!

I will never force you to restrain

Unleash all your wildest storms on me

I do not fear the rain

 

I want you!

I want you!

Let all your demons out, I swear I have them too

Be savage, be brutal, be raw

I do not fear you

Give me tooth and nail and claw

We are two wrongs, we are women of wrath- together we can be right

Let’s defy Murphy’s law

 

 

Ta alt du sa tilbake, tilbake

Voktet over det vi hadde som en likvake

For nå er vi ingenting, ingenting

Du går framover, jeg spinner rundt i ring

(OK!)

 

Faen, så gal jeg var etter deg en gang

Nå er jeg bare gal, heh

Hjertet mitt som en gang stod i brann

Stump den jointen din i askebegeret

Der har du det som er igjen av hjertet mitt, mann

(Ok, ok, ok)

 

Tørk av deg det fliret, før jeg slår ut tennene dine

Lobotomer meg, ta alle minnene mine

Jeg prøver hardt å være realistisk

Må faen ikke fantasere om deg

Det blir så jævla sadistisk

Er jeg ensom? Er det trist?

Er jeg desillusjonert, er jeg synsk?

Er du ond eller bare dum?

Uansett så burde jeg ha visst

 

Du sa at å rappe på norsk er for tapere, tapere

Men jeg har skrevet nok om deg på engelsk

Og enda gjør du meg svakere, svakere

Du går fremover, jeg spinner rundt i ring

Jeg føler fortsatt ALT, du føler ingenting. INGENTING!

 

Faen så gal jeg var etter deg en gang

Nå er jeg bare gal, hah

Ok. ok, ok!

 

Har bare orda igjen, prøver å skrive deg ut av systemet

Du knuller meg fortsatt i hodet mitt, der har du hele problemet

DER HAR DU HELE JÆVLA PROBLEMET, OKAY!

Rapper på norsk som den taperen jeg er, WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?!

Å bli bedratt svir som faen, om du sier BEDRA eller BETRAY

 

Faen så gal jeg var etter deg

Nå er jeg bare gal, hah

Av og til tenker jeg at alt er din feil, din feil

Hjernen min knuste

Du seiler videre for fulle seil

Og jeg spinner rundt i ring

Jeg vil føle sånn som du gjør

Jeg vil bli kald og hard og føle

INGENTING

 

Ser deg smile falskt på det bildet ditt, og tenker at alt jeg var for deg

Alt jeg var for deg, var å stille som vampyrens blodgiver

Stole på deg? Alt du har å gi, er tortur til alle tider

ALT DU HAR Å GI!

Er tortur tortur tortur, til alle tider

 

Er du ond eller bare dum, uansett burde jeg visst

Nå har jeg for faen blødd tom, så la meg være den som ler sist

Alt du kan tilby, er tortur til alle tider

Jeg er faen så ferdig

som vampyrens jævla blodgiver

 

OK!

 

I’ve met my share of bad guys

I’ve seen enough of the monsters among us

I knew so damn well how I didn’t want to be

But now I have witnessed another side to me

and this has me questioning my character

One thing is for sure: I’m no angel

I’m a lot more like Lucifer

 

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be like this!

I don’t want this to be who I am!

I don’t want to be a raging beast, I want to be the lamb!

 

How do I look myself in the mirror

without that dreaded sense of terror

I want to be a decent human being

But there seems to be an error

The evil that humans do..

Now I am a monster among us too

 

I always knew my core values and my beliefs and attitudes

But that was before I was faced with twisted thoughts and darker moods

Feels like I don’t know who I am anymore

Seems I have forgotten about who and what I was before

There’s a sense of innocence I have lost forever

I can no longer say the simple phrase “I would never”

I’ve done things that can’t be forgiven

How do I explain this to myself

I don’t believe in a devil, still I seem to be..

fucking devil-driven

 

And now when I face myself in the mirror

it’s always with that dreaded sense of terror

All I want is to be a decent human

But in my mind there is an error

The evil that humans do..

Now I am a monster among us too

 

Does it help you that I hate myself?

That I place myself at the bottom shelf?

Does it bring you any comfort that all of this makes me feel like I’m living in hell?

That my mind has been reduced to a tiny prison cell?

Does it help that there’s times where I wanna kill myself?

Every day I have to live with my mistakes

And the fear that I might once again lose my brakes

and slam head first into madness again

Living with that fear, it’s a constant strain

The more it happens, the less there is of me

that seems to remain

 

And now I want to smash the mirror

I want to smash my brain to pieces too

I’ve met my share of monsters

I know the evil humans do

I swore I’d never be like one of them

But what do you know

Now I am a monster among us too

Now I am a monster among us too!

 

All my core-beliefs and attitudes

I used to follow both the spoken and unspoken rules

It really is the worst thing, to lose yourself completely

Mad thoughts, they come at me so intense and fleetly

Does it help you at all to know that

living life with this disorder is anything but easy?

Does it help you at all that there are times where suicide seems the only way?

Does it help you knowing that if I could, I would never have been born this way?

It doesn’t help at all does it..

All these petty words I say

The only thing that really helps is

if I just go away

 

Ok so let me just go away..

I don’t expect to be forgiven

I don’t even believe in a devil, yet I seem to be..

Fucking devil-driven

 

‘Cuz I know so damn well the evil that humans do

Yeah, I know so damn well about the evil that we do

I swore on my father’s grave I’d never be like that

Now I am a monster among us too

I am a monster among us too..

 

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be like this!

I don’t want this to be who I am!

I don’t want to be the raging beast, I want to be the lamb!

 

 

Ok, så har jeg bipolar lidelse type 1, og det innebærer for meg i hvert fall svart belte i å drite meg ut.. Lista over absurd flaue, ydmykende ting jeg har gjort mot meg selv er laaaang. Jeg var en sånn som ble lett flau før dette, men har kanskje utviklet litt tykkere hud på akkurat det området etter alle årene med periodevis MEGET pinlig atferd.

 

Men i dag! I dag ble jeg faktisk skikkelig flau- uten at det involverte en manisk episode. Det involverte derimot et folksomt basseng og en upålitelig bikinitopp..

 

Jeg hadde såvidt hoppet uti bassenget da jeg bare følte et “SPJONG!” bak ryggen min, og joda- der hadde bikini toppen min gått opp gitt! Jeg har tolv tommeltotter minst, og klarer ikke å lukke en vanlig bh med hendene bak ryggen en gang- GLEM den kompliserte lukkemekanismen på denne greia.. (Er sikkert bare meg og neanderthal hendene mine som finner denne lukkemekanismen komplisert- men det trenger vi ikke å henge oss opp i!)

 

Jeg fikk totalt panikk, og kjente bare at denne situasjonen må jeg ut av fort som faen. Så da sprang jeg opp av bassenget mens jeg tviholdt bikinitoppen på puppene, hahaaaa… Selfølgelig måtte jeg forbi de selfølgelig(!) bare mannlige badevaktene også, hørte liksom samtalen deres stoppe helt opp mens de fulgte meg med blikket. THE WALK OF SHAME! Aldri vært så lang vei fra bassenget til garderoben…

 

Orket faktisk ikke ta risikoen på å gå ut i bassenget igjen utstyrt med denne upålitelige greia, så jeg gjemte meg i badstua og så gikk jeg hjem. Fra nå av blir det badedrakt. Eller helst wetsuit.

 

Ja ja, som sagt: Jeg har en lang liste med hendelser som er MYE flauere enn dette, og det hjelper meg faktisk litt i sånne situasjoner, heh. Jeg tror kanskje det verste med meg er at jeg mister helt hodet når jeg blir pinlig berørt, og ikke er noe flink på å redde sånne situasjoner på en grasiøs måte. Men man må jo bare le av det etterpå.. Det klarer jeg ikke med alle de psyke flausene mine, for å si det sånn. Hvis skam var dødelig, så hadde jeg hvilt i fred nå!

 

Avslutter med noe helt annet: Jeg har så sykt lyst til å farge håret mitt mørkt. Lei ettervekst og “no colour hair” som jeg kaller min naturlige hårfarge. Men jeg vet ikke om jeg tør?! Må vel farge det relativt ofte da, eller? Og alt av farging sliter vel på håret i lengden?Jeg har ikke peiling på noe som angår hår. Og er mer redd for å gå til frisøren enn tannlegen av en eller annen merkelig grunn, haha.

 

 

 

God tirsdag da! Håper deres har vært flause-fri! 😉

R-rated, wink wink 😈

 

 

We’ve done this song and dance before

There’s no rhyme or reason

Where to go when there’s no trust left?

’Cuz it always ends in treason

(Ok so I can rhyme, but I still can’t reason)

 

So what, it’s hotter than tabasco

We ain’t making no love

We’re fucking for fiasco

 

Well, you do fuck good

Guess I could use a break from spinsterhood

I hate how you said you knew I would

Told myself to keep my pants on

20 minutes in the same room, and they be gone

Yeah, this is not a new phenomenon

 

Ok, so you still got that power

That’s what you do, seduce and deflower

(I should know better)

You are a walking talking pussy-getter

Yeah, and you fuck good

I tried to ban you from my hood

Guess you came back ‘cuz you knew you could

 

Alright, so maybe I’ve missed you

A little more than I’ve dissed you

(You know I got a mouth for more than blow-jobs)

To be honest I view most men as horny dogs

Oh, well I’m a bitch

Can’t believe you still sign up for this

Maybe we both should reminisce

You still a dog, I’m still that bitch

But hey, we fuck good

Maybe ignorance is bliss

 

Maybe it will work if we just don’t talk

and limit it to letting the bed rock

Maybe I should try electroconvulsive therapy to forget all about your cock

Or maybe we both need pants with a padlock

 

So what, it’s hotter than tabasco

We ain’t making no love

We’re fucking for fiasco

We’re fucking for fiasco!

 

Well, here we are

Two natural disasters in the same room

A tsunami and a cyclone

On our way to our doom

Just stopping by the bedroom

A tsunami and a cyclone..

Damn you still make me moan

Every time that we bone

and now I can’t remember

what it was like to be alone

 

’Cuz yes sir you fuck good

I thought I was OK with my spinsterhood

Hate how you said you knew I would

Just because we can doesn’t mean that we should

Ah, but then again you do fuck good!

Forgot all about keeping my pants on

You’re a wizard, one touch and they gone

Yeah, this is not a new phenomenon

 

Well, here’s the words that will burst the bubble:

’Cuz you and me babe, we’re nothing but trouble

But before you walk out that door, just make sure and fuck me double

 

So what, it’s hotter than tabasco

We ain’t making no love, nah!

Ain’t making no babies, hah!

We’re fucking for fiasco

For fiasco, wooh!

 

This is a metal-song, written for a metal-band- and the lyrics are probably NOT to your liking if you are religious… Just a heads-up! I don’t want to disrespect anyone, but I also believe in 100% creative freedom. Peace!

 

 

 

Try speaking in tongues

Scream from the top of your lungs

No one will listen

No one will answer

All the gods are dead

No help will ever come

We have always been alone

 

I was a child when I tried praying like you taught me

I learned then that your god does not answer

Not even when in dire need

I think that’s when I lost faith

I can’t worship a god that doesn’t hear a child’s plead

God did not answer me then and I still wait

I have yet to see proof in this messed up world

that there is in fact a god who leads

All I see is people benefiting, never paying

from and for their evil deeds

 

So try speaking in tongues

Or screaming from the top of your lungs

No one will listen

No one will answer

All the gods are dead

No help will ever come

We have to face it

We have always been alone

 

It doesn’t matter what you believe, it matters how you live

What matters the most is what you take, and what you have to give

In the end, heaven will not hear you knock

We’re not heading towards the sky

We are marching towards Ragnarok

 

Look in the mirror, do you see a sinner too?

You read the news, you see the proof, you know the evil that we do

Our history is written in blood

We’re so divided, was there ever any form of brotherhood?

We have plenty of religions, but do they do us any good?

Burn in hell, jihad, or pray pray pray

But look at the world, somewhere we completely lost our way

You tell me to turn to god, but I can’t hear a word of what he has to say

The most potent language possessed by man is violence

YET FROM GOD THERE IS ONLY SILENCE!

 

It doesn’t matter what you believe, it matters how you live

What matters the most is what you take and what you have to give

In the end, heaven will not hear you knock

We’re not heading for the sky

We are marching towards Ragnarok!

 

No help will ever come!

We have always been alone!

So try speaking in tongues

Or scream from the top of your lungs

It doesn’t matter what you believe, what matters is how you live

What matters the most is what you take, and what you have to give

In the end, heaven will still not hear you knock

None of us are heading for the sky

We’re all marching towards Ragnarok

 

 

When you need a f’ing therapist badly, but all you got is an ‘effing blog 😇 Bear with me!

 

 

 

Lately every day I’ve been waking up shaking

Just getting outta bed is fucking painstaking

I’m growing old, man- but I ain’t getting wiser

People think I’m doing alright but honestly I just got better at faking

 

There’s gotta be more to life

Than this constant twisting and turning the knife

in these old bloody wounds, why can’t I let them heal?

Why is it that at fucking 36

I am still terrified of what I feel?

There’s gotta be, gotta be- more to life than this

But to be honest I don’t even know what it is that I miss

 

Argh, I should figure shit out

Lately every day I live through feels wasted

There’s all these flavours to life that I have yet not tasted

I stick to poison that just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

I tell myself I can grow despite this drought

I tell myself I can do better but all I feel is doubt

 

There’s gotta be more to life

Than this constant twisting and turning the knife

in the old bloody wounds, why can’t I let them heal?

Why is it that at fucking 36

I still question what is real?

There’s gotta be, gotta be more to life than this

It frustrates me that I don’t even know what I miss

 

I see all these people on socials, they look so damn happy

But what they have, that’s not what I want

There’s gotta be more to life

than motherhood and being a wife

I can’t have kids, I know for sure I’d just fuck ’em up

Can’t hold down a job

and I can’t have a relationship that goes beyond a temporary hookup

I’m 100% toxic, that’s cyanide in my cup

I’m pure poison, can’t help it so bottoms up

 

Tell me, is there more to life?

Sometimes I’m not sure who’s hand that’s twisting the knife

All I know, these old bloody wounds they won’t heal

My nerves ain’t exactly forged in steel

At 36 they still snap like overstrung strings

At 36 I still got issues with the smallest of things

There’s gotta be, gotta be more to life than this

36 years of searching, and I still don’t know what I miss

 

 

There’s gotta be more to life

There’s gotta be more to life!

Than the rusty blade of that fucking knife..

There’s gotta be more, more to life than this

36 years, I just wish I knew what I miss..

I wish I knew what exactly I miss

36 years, I still can’t answer this