I’ve met my share of bad guys

I’ve seen enough of the monsters among us

I knew so damn well how I didn’t want to be

But now I have witnessed another side to me

and this has me questioning my character

One thing is for sure: I’m no angel

I’m a lot more like Lucifer

 

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be like this!

I don’t want this to be who I am!

I don’t want to be a raging beast, I want to be the lamb!

 

How do I look myself in the mirror

without that dreaded sense of terror

I want to be a decent human being

But there seems to be an error

The evil that humans do..

Now I am a monster among us too

 

I always knew my core values and my beliefs and attitudes

But that was before I was faced with twisted thoughts and darker moods

Feels like I don’t know who I am anymore

Seems I have forgotten about who and what I was before

There’s a sense of innocence I have lost forever

I can no longer say the simple phrase “I would never”

I’ve done things that can’t be forgiven

How do I explain this to myself

I don’t believe in a devil, still I seem to be..

fucking devil-driven

 

And now when I face myself in the mirror

it’s always with that dreaded sense of terror

All I want is to be a decent human

But in my mind there is an error

The evil that humans do..

Now I am a monster among us too

 

Does it help you that I hate myself?

That I place myself at the bottom shelf?

Does it bring you any comfort that all of this makes me feel like I’m living in hell?

That my mind has been reduced to a tiny prison cell?

Does it help that there’s times where I wanna kill myself?

Every day I have to live with my mistakes

And the fear that I might once again lose my brakes

and slam head first into madness again

Living with that fear, it’s a constant strain

The more it happens, the less there is of me

that seems to remain

 

And now I want to smash the mirror

I want to smash my brain to pieces too

I’ve met my share of monsters

I know the evil humans do

I swore I’d never be like one of them

But what do you know

Now I am a monster among us too

Now I am a monster among us too!

 

All my core-beliefs and attitudes

I used to follow both the spoken and unspoken rules

It really is the worst thing, to lose yourself completely

Mad thoughts, they come at me so intense and fleetly

Does it help you at all to know that

living life with this disorder is anything but easy?

Does it help you at all that there are times where suicide seems the only way?

Does it help you knowing that if I could, I would never have been born this way?

It doesn’t help at all does it..

All these petty words I say

The only thing that really helps is

if I just go away

 

Ok so let me just go away..

I don’t expect to be forgiven

I don’t even believe in a devil, yet I seem to be..

Fucking devil-driven

 

‘Cuz I know so damn well the evil that humans do

Yeah, I know so damn well about the evil that we do

I swore on my father’s grave I’d never be like that

Now I am a monster among us too

I am a monster among us too..

 

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be like this!

I don’t want this to be who I am!

I don’t want to be the raging beast, I want to be the lamb!

 

 

Ok, så har jeg bipolar lidelse type 1, og det innebærer for meg i hvert fall svart belte i å drite meg ut.. Lista over absurd flaue, ydmykende ting jeg har gjort mot meg selv er laaaang. Jeg var en sånn som ble lett flau før dette, men har kanskje utviklet litt tykkere hud på akkurat det området etter alle årene med periodevis MEGET pinlig atferd.

 

Men i dag! I dag ble jeg faktisk skikkelig flau- uten at det involverte en manisk episode. Det involverte derimot et folksomt basseng og en upålitelig bikinitopp..

 

Jeg hadde såvidt hoppet uti bassenget da jeg bare følte et “SPJONG!” bak ryggen min, og joda- der hadde bikini toppen min gått opp gitt! Jeg har tolv tommeltotter minst, og klarer ikke å lukke en vanlig bh med hendene bak ryggen en gang- GLEM den kompliserte lukkemekanismen på denne greia.. (Er sikkert bare meg og neanderthal hendene mine som finner denne lukkemekanismen komplisert- men det trenger vi ikke å henge oss opp i!)

 

Jeg fikk totalt panikk, og kjente bare at denne situasjonen må jeg ut av fort som faen. Så da sprang jeg opp av bassenget mens jeg tviholdt bikinitoppen på puppene, hahaaaa… Selfølgelig måtte jeg forbi de selfølgelig(!) bare mannlige badevaktene også, hørte liksom samtalen deres stoppe helt opp mens de fulgte meg med blikket. THE WALK OF SHAME! Aldri vært så lang vei fra bassenget til garderoben…

 

Orket faktisk ikke ta risikoen på å gå ut i bassenget igjen utstyrt med denne upålitelige greia, så jeg gjemte meg i badstua og så gikk jeg hjem. Fra nå av blir det badedrakt. Eller helst wetsuit.

 

Ja ja, som sagt: Jeg har en lang liste med hendelser som er MYE flauere enn dette, og det hjelper meg faktisk litt i sånne situasjoner, heh. Jeg tror kanskje det verste med meg er at jeg mister helt hodet når jeg blir pinlig berørt, og ikke er noe flink på å redde sånne situasjoner på en grasiøs måte. Men man må jo bare le av det etterpå.. Det klarer jeg ikke med alle de psyke flausene mine, for å si det sånn. Hvis skam var dødelig, så hadde jeg hvilt i fred nå!

 

Avslutter med noe helt annet: Jeg har så sykt lyst til å farge håret mitt mørkt. Lei ettervekst og “no colour hair” som jeg kaller min naturlige hårfarge. Men jeg vet ikke om jeg tør?! Må vel farge det relativt ofte da, eller? Og alt av farging sliter vel på håret i lengden?Jeg har ikke peiling på noe som angår hår. Og er mer redd for å gå til frisøren enn tannlegen av en eller annen merkelig grunn, haha.

 

 

 

God tirsdag da! Håper deres har vært flause-fri! 😉

R-rated, wink wink 😈

 

 

We’ve done this song and dance before

There’s no rhyme or reason

Where to go when there’s no trust left?

’Cuz it always ends in treason

(Ok so I can rhyme, but I still can’t reason)

 

So what, it’s hotter than tabasco

We ain’t making no love

We’re fucking for fiasco

 

Well, you do fuck good

Guess I could use a break from spinsterhood

I hate how you said you knew I would

Told myself to keep my pants on

20 minutes in the same room, and they be gone

Yeah, this is not a new phenomenon

 

Ok, so you still got that power

That’s what you do, seduce and deflower

(I should know better)

You are a walking talking pussy-getter

Yeah, and you fuck good

I tried to ban you from my hood

Guess you came back ‘cuz you knew you could

 

Alright, so maybe I’ve missed you

A little more than I’ve dissed you

(You know I got a mouth for more than blow-jobs)

To be honest I view most men as horny dogs

Oh, well I’m a bitch

Can’t believe you still sign up for this

Maybe we both should reminisce

You still a dog, I’m still that bitch

But hey, we fuck good

Maybe ignorance is bliss

 

Maybe it will work if we just don’t talk

and limit it to letting the bed rock

Maybe I should try electroconvulsive therapy to forget all about your cock

Or maybe we both need pants with a padlock

 

So what, it’s hotter than tabasco

We ain’t making no love

We’re fucking for fiasco

We’re fucking for fiasco!

 

Well, here we are

Two natural disasters in the same room

A tsunami and a cyclone

On our way to our doom

Just stopping by the bedroom

A tsunami and a cyclone..

Damn you still make me moan

Every time that we bone

and now I can’t remember

what it was like to be alone

 

’Cuz yes sir you fuck good

I thought I was OK with my spinsterhood

Hate how you said you knew I would

Just because we can doesn’t mean that we should

Ah, but then again you do fuck good!

Forgot all about keeping my pants on

You’re a wizard, one touch and they gone

Yeah, this is not a new phenomenon

 

Well, here’s the words that will burst the bubble:

’Cuz you and me babe, we’re nothing but trouble

But before you walk out that door, just make sure and fuck me double

 

So what, it’s hotter than tabasco

We ain’t making no love, nah!

Ain’t making no babies, hah!

We’re fucking for fiasco

For fiasco, wooh!

 

This is a metal-song, written for a metal-band- and the lyrics are probably NOT to your liking if you are religious… Just a heads-up! I don’t want to disrespect anyone, but I also believe in 100% creative freedom. Peace!

 

 

 

Try speaking in tongues

Scream from the top of your lungs

No one will listen

No one will answer

All the gods are dead

No help will ever come

We have always been alone

 

I was a child when I tried praying like you taught me

I learned then that your god does not answer

Not even when in dire need

I think that’s when I lost faith

I can’t worship a god that doesn’t hear a child’s plead

God did not answer me then and I still wait

I have yet to see proof in this messed up world

that there is in fact a god who leads

All I see is people benefiting, never paying

from and for their evil deeds

 

So try speaking in tongues

Or screaming from the top of your lungs

No one will listen

No one will answer

All the gods are dead

No help will ever come

We have to face it

We have always been alone

 

It doesn’t matter what you believe, it matters how you live

What matters the most is what you take, and what you have to give

In the end, heaven will not hear you knock

We’re not heading towards the sky

We are marching towards Ragnarok

 

Look in the mirror, do you see a sinner too?

You read the news, you see the proof, you know the evil that we do

Our history is written in blood

We’re so divided, was there ever any form of brotherhood?

We have plenty of religions, but do they do us any good?

Burn in hell, jihad, or pray pray pray

But look at the world, somewhere we completely lost our way

You tell me to turn to god, but I can’t hear a word of what he has to say

The most potent language possessed by man is violence

YET FROM GOD THERE IS ONLY SILENCE!

 

It doesn’t matter what you believe, it matters how you live

What matters the most is what you take and what you have to give

In the end, heaven will not hear you knock

We’re not heading for the sky

We are marching towards Ragnarok!

 

No help will ever come!

We have always been alone!

So try speaking in tongues

Or scream from the top of your lungs

It doesn’t matter what you believe, what matters is how you live

What matters the most is what you take, and what you have to give

In the end, heaven will still not hear you knock

None of us are heading for the sky

We’re all marching towards Ragnarok

 

 

When you need a f’ing therapist badly, but all you got is an ‘effing blog 😇 Bear with me!

 

 

 

Lately every day I’ve been waking up shaking

Just getting outta bed is fucking painstaking

I’m growing old, man- but I ain’t getting wiser

People think I’m doing alright but honestly I just got better at faking

 

There’s gotta be more to life

Than this constant twisting and turning the knife

in these old bloody wounds, why can’t I let them heal?

Why is it that at fucking 36

I am still terrified of what I feel?

There’s gotta be, gotta be- more to life than this

But to be honest I don’t even know what it is that I miss

 

Argh, I should figure shit out

Lately every day I live through feels wasted

There’s all these flavours to life that I have yet not tasted

I stick to poison that just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

I tell myself I can grow despite this drought

I tell myself I can do better but all I feel is doubt

 

There’s gotta be more to life

Than this constant twisting and turning the knife

in the old bloody wounds, why can’t I let them heal?

Why is it that at fucking 36

I still question what is real?

There’s gotta be, gotta be more to life than this

It frustrates me that I don’t even know what I miss

 

I see all these people on socials, they look so damn happy

But what they have, that’s not what I want

There’s gotta be more to life

than motherhood and being a wife

I can’t have kids, I know for sure I’d just fuck ’em up

Can’t hold down a job

and I can’t have a relationship that goes beyond a temporary hookup

I’m 100% toxic, that’s cyanide in my cup

I’m pure poison, can’t help it so bottoms up

 

Tell me, is there more to life?

Sometimes I’m not sure who’s hand that’s twisting the knife

All I know, these old bloody wounds they won’t heal

My nerves ain’t exactly forged in steel

At 36 they still snap like overstrung strings

At 36 I still got issues with the smallest of things

There’s gotta be, gotta be more to life than this

36 years of searching, and I still don’t know what I miss

 

 

There’s gotta be more to life

There’s gotta be more to life!

Than the rusty blade of that fucking knife..

There’s gotta be more, more to life than this

36 years, I just wish I knew what I miss..

I wish I knew what exactly I miss

36 years, I still can’t answer this

 

 

Har endelig samlet opp nok outfits til å gjøre dette innlegget 😅 Urutinert, jeg? Alltid. Ellers kjenner jeg at jeg er litt lei vinter nå altså.. Eller kanskje jeg bare er lei av meg selv..? Det er så mye jeg vil endre på, og jeg skulle helst ha gjort det med ÉN gang- men det klarer jeg jo ikke. Så jeg går rundt med en solid dose frustrasjon, og føler litt at jeg mislykkes hver dag omtrent. Jeg vet bare at jeg vil ha mer ut av livet enn jeg får til akkurat nå, og jeg føler at tiden går bare fortere og fortere jo eldre jeg blir, så jeg begynner å få en klaustrofobisk følelse av at det haster; hvis jeg skal bli det mennesket jeg vil være..  Og så har du tvilen da, om jeg i det hele tatt har det som kreves for å klare det. Av og til lurer jeg seriøst på om jeg utvikler meg i det hele tatt, gjennom dette livet jeg snubler og tryner og vakler meg igjennom.

 

Og der klarte jeg jammen meg å gjøre nok et overfladisk innlegg mørkt og dystert, uuups.. Må vel sies å være min spesialitet 🙄

 

 

 

 

Dette innlegget er forresten inspirert av Vogue’s youtube-serie 7 days, 7 looks. Anbefales hvis du vil se bedre og mer eksklusive antrekk enn det jeg har å by på, hehe.. 😇 Skal helt ærlig innrømme at jeg har omtrent falt helt av lasset når det kommer til hva som er on trend at the moment. Ikke at jeg noen gang har vært spesielt opptatt av trender, i hvert fall å følge dem- men jeg hadde i det minste en viss idé om hva som var in og hva som var ut. Nå klarer jeg ikke å holde oversikt lenger. Et sikkert tegn på at jeg har blitt gammel kanskje? 😅 Eneste jeg vet er at jeg burde brenne skinny jeansene mine, men det NEKTER jeg. Så kanskje jeg bare skal være takknemlig for at jeg ikke vet om alle de andre mote-syndene jeg begår 😅

 

God nesten-helg da folkens 🤗

Maybe we’ll never meet again

Oh, to be honest I kinda hope so

You’ve been more of a foe than a friend

I have loved and I have hated you

Do you even feel anything at all?

Only you would know

 

I can still not tell

If you ever meant me any well

All I know is

It’s time to break the spell

It’s time to break the spell

‘Cuz keeping you in my mind is the very thing that’s

keeping me in hell..

 

Maybe we were never meant to cross paths

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason

I believe this world is ruled by chaos

Just like it rules my mind

and nothing is ever black or white

but nothing can ever make what happened between us right

Now I ask myself if I feel anything at all

All I know is..

 

I can still not tell

If you ever meant me any well

All I know, all I know is..

It’s time to break the spell

It’s time to break the spell

‘Cuz keeping you in my mind is the very thing that’s

keeping me in hell

 

Yeah, all I know, all I know is

There’s questions that’ll never be answered

and I can’t wait for a grave to bury them in

I can’t fucking wait for death to silence my mind

Until then I’m left with wishing

for a peace of mind I suspect might just be impossible to find

 

‘Cuz I can still not tell

If you ever meant me any well

All I know, all I know is!

It’s time to break the spell

It’s time to break the spell!

‘Cuz keeping you in my mind is the very thing that’s..

It’s the very thing!

That’s keeping me in hell

 

 

Gratulerer med morsdagen, alle mødre der ute! Spesielt til min mama bear ❤️

 

 

You were the one that got all my anger and rage

I feel so bad now, for how difficult I was through every damn stage

I couldn’t always see

How much you gave to me

But you’re the one that has always been there

You’re the one that always had to hold it all together

and I’m so done with anger now

I just want to love you forever

 

Ice queen, my ice queen

Now I see your courage and strength

Ice queen, my ice queen

Now I see the hand you were dealt

Ice queen, my ice queen

Now I understand why you couldn’t melt

 

Life was never easy on you, but you never complained

You were always so strong, I couldn’t see you were drained

You suffered in silence, you never shared

and still to everyone else, it was always you who cared

When I think of strong women, you’re my number one

You’re such an inspiration to who I want to become

 

Ice queen, my ice queen

Now I see your courage and strength

Ice queen, my ice queen

Now I see the hand you were dealt

Ice queen, my ice queen

Now I understand why you couldn’t melt

 

 

 

There’s something about the light and the sounds of the day

Helps me keep my feelings at bay

I tell myself I’m doing okay

Then comes the inevitable night

and with the darkness I am led astray

Here’s the words I just can’t say..

 

Oh, it’s the midnight blues

and I am so tired of walking in my shoes

All the terrors I have lived through, they play on repeat

And I am a child again, pitted against forces I just can’t defeat

My bones are trembling, I feel so weak

There’s crimes in my past of which I just can’t speak

and I’m so tired of walking in these shoes

It’s that time of the night again

It’s the midnight blues

 

There’s a sense of normalcy during the day

Helps me keep all the monsters at bay

and I can tell myself I’m doing okay

But every day must surrender to night

and then I am no longer doing alright

This is my eternal battle that I must fight

 

Oh, it’s the midnight blues

and I am so tired of walking in my shoes

All the terrors I have lived through, they play on repeat

And I am a child again, pitted against forces I just can’t defeat

My bones are trembling, I feel so weak

There’s crimes in my past of which I just can’t speak

and I’m so tired of walking in these shoes

It’s that time of the night again

It’s the midnight blues

 

Little girl, I don’t want to be a little girl again

and I just want to feel safe in this world again

I want to kick off my shoes

and escape all these feelings,

these midnight blues

It’d night again, I lose all my grown-up tools

I go back in time again when darkness rules

 

Oh it’s the midnight blues

It’s the midnight blues

Are these flashbacks something I somehow choose?

What is it about the night that sets me up to lose?

I just call it the midnight blues

Oh, it’s the midnight blues

and I am so damn tired

of walking in these shoes

 

I’m not asking you to understand

I’m not begging you to hold my hand

It’s just that right now I am not okay

and this is just my lullaby to myself

made from the words I cannot say

 

It’s my midnight blues

It’s just my midnight blues

 

I should have stayed away

I wish we’d never met

It’s so damn easy, walking down memory lane

It’s so goddamn hard to forget

 

You are the brightest star

I can only watch you from afar

Every night I wonder where you are

Can’t forget that angelic/demonic face

Or your angelic/demonic ways

Heart of the scorpion, the brightest shining star

You are beautiful and terrible, fascinating and bizarre

 

I have to burn the pages of you

written in my history

You are not my destiny

If anything, you’ll be the death of me

 

You are the brightest star

I can only watch you from afar

Every night I wonder where you are

Can’t forget that angelic/demonic face

Or your angelic/demonic ways

Heart of the scorpion, the brightest shining star

You are beautiful and terrible, fascinating and bizarre

 

I need you light years away

I can’t make sense of anything you say

I need you light years away..

I don’t understand the rules of the wicked games that you play

Antares..

I need to be light years away from you!

 

‘Cuz you are the brightest star

I can only watch you from afar

Every night I wonder where you are

Can’t forget that angelic/demonic face

Or your angelic/demonic ways

Heart of the scorpion, the brightest shining star

How I feel about you is beautiful and terrible, fascinating and bizarre