Warning: Going deeper and darker than I should.. But it’s almost Halloween, so in that spirit.. 😅 (also in my head this is a metal song, and you’re allowed to go deep and dark in this genre, no..?)

 

A lifetime worth of hurt

and no one to turn to

Just me and my cursed words

When have they ever saved me

And yet they are all that remains

 

Oh, I used them

Back when they were all I had

and I could still believe they held some power

Threw them in their faces

Ricocheting right back into mine

 

I wish they’d murdered me then

After all

Allowing me to survive was the ultimate form of torture

 

No one understands the madness

When they had the privilege to forget

And those who do know

Forever keeps their mouth wired shut

 

Stay quiet to your grave now

I will never be the victim of this story

If you think of me

Think of that raging beast of a maniac

You forced me to become

 

I hope you build a castle on the cemetery

I hope you build your empire

A new world

So I can burn it all to the ground

 

There is a form of freedom found in hate

I will never succumb to love again

 

My heart was never broken

I disposed of it

and buried it next to my father

 

And you will never be

a man like him

Will never understand

love like him

and never have to sacrifice

Your mind like him

Never had to jeopardize your sanity

Like we did.. Like I still do

And you never had to be so strong

That it broke you

And I can’t forgive you now

I can’t forgive you now

 

Because I was there to hold you

and I held you while they hanged you

and I carried you when they broke your feet

And in return

You stood there silent

and watched me bleed

Until I had bled dry

I forgot it all

Now I remember why

 

I can’t forgive you now

I won’t forgive you now

 

Stay quiet all the way to your grave now

If you think of me

Think of that raging lunatic, that crazy demon

With eyes pitch black from the hate

(oh there’s such a form of freedom in that rage!)

I refuse to be the victim of this story

and it’s far too late for me to be saved!

 

And you build that castle on the cemetery

You build your empire, your new world

Take over the whole damn universe

So there’s more for me to burn

I sheltered you from the pain once

But now it’s time you learn

 

 

 

So you wander through the darkness

and your heart is filled with sadness

Your mind is on the brink of madness

Keep going..

Keep going.

You feel lost, I know

But you will find yourself on the other side of this

Yeah, you’ll find yourself, find yourself

on the other side of this

 

It hurts when life throws punches in your face

and it sucks to feel like you can’t find your place

When you get lost inside the maze

When there’s no footprints you can trace

Feeling like an outcast from the human race

I know, I know..

But you gotta keep on going on

Keep on going on

You will find yourself, find yourself

on the other side of this

 

If there’s one thing I can tell you

It’s that you can and will make it through

You can and will make it through

If there’s a storm in your life right now, know it will pass

If there’s a devil talking in your head, kick him in the ass

If you feel lost, if you lost hope..

If you feel like you’re at the end of the rope

You do have the power within you to cope

C’mon now, believe me when I say

You’ll find yourself on the other side of this

Find yourself on the other side of this

Stronger, braver, better

Future you are waiting, go get her

Go get her

 

Don’t quit now

and don’t look back

Keep going- forward

Don’t paint the future in black

You feel lost, I know, I know..

and life is tied in one big knot

But you will find yourself, find yourself

on the other side of this

Yeah, you will find yourself on the other side of this

Life will always be a case of hit-or-miss

But you will find yourself, find yourself, find yourself

On the other side of this

 

 

I’m sure you’re doing fine

Popping pills and snorting lines

Yeah, I’m sure you do just fine

Always getting away with all your petty crimes

And sure, none of your remedies are pure

But at least you have a cure

 

Tomorrow you’ll be hang-over

But I’m over here and I’m too damn sober

Counting my mistakes

and now all my nerves got the shakes

God, I need to turn off my thougths!

But I can never hit the brakes

 

I have to..

handle my hurt

But my confidence has been dragged through the dirt

and now I’m questioning what I’m worth

And this feeling is gut-wrenching, it’s soul-crushing

It always sums up to NOTHING

 

Are you out there, having fun?

Do you mind if I borrow your gun?

I could use my brain, painted on the wall

’cuz right now it doesn’t help me at all

 

I fell off my high horse, I’m face down in the dirt

I have to- but I can’t

I can’t handle my hurt!

Yeah, I’m..

Cold sober, I’m straight, I am clean

You’re high, and you’re wasted, you’re mean

and none of your remedies are pure

But at least you have a cure

At least you have a cure..

 

I’m questioning my worth

I’m questioning my worth

Since the day of my birth..

Is there no place for me on Earth..?
I’m questioning my worth

Always questioning my worth..

And argh, it’s gut-wrenching, it’s soul-crushing

’cuz it always, always, always!!

Sums up to NOTHING

 

So tell me, is time the healer..?

Or is it time to just say ‘fuck this shit’

and dial the number to your dealer

 

Ah..

Fuck this shit

Hand me my phone!

 

 

 

Oooh, I’m..

Drowning in my head again

Chained to my bed again

Living like a walking dead again

 

Yeah, I’m so ungrateful

and when I face myself in the mirror

I feel so damn hateful

and I can’t think a constructive thought to save my life

I’m just choking myself slowly

and twisting and turning the knife

in all these wounds that should have healed long ago

 

Ooh, I’m..

Doubting myself again..

Isolating myself again..

Depriving myself of a real life again..

 

Which way?

It’s too dark to see clearly now

Which way?

My feet are too heavy to move somehow

Which way..

 

Yeah, I’m so ungrateful

and when I face myself in the mirror

I feel so damn hateful

and I can’t recall what makes me feel good

and being around anyone at all

just makes me feel all the more misunderstood

and I don’t even get myself

although I know that I should

 

Ooh, I’m..

Getting lost again..

Feeling lonely again..

Losing all hope again

 

Which way?

It’s too dark to see clearly know

Which way?

I know I gotta save myself but I don’t know how

Which way..

Which way..

 

You can’t run from yourself

I guess I’ve always known

and no one can carry you through the worst days

You gotta handle yourself on your own

But it does help, having someone around

Too bad there’s no one left to call, I’ve blocked

pretty much every damn number on my phone

 

Flying high, when you’re already scarred

Means that when you crash, you crash really fucking hard

 

I didn’t think I’d crash this hard

That I would go back to

picturing myself buried at the graveyard

How did I let motivation turn into stagnation again?

I held on to the light for so long

Now the darkness is creeping back into my brain

 

I love you, but staying alive for someone else is not enough

And doing just that, feels more and more like being handcuffed

Looking back, life has always been some type of rough

That’s just the way it is, and that’s just the way it always will be

I have no choice but to be tough

It’s just that I need something, anything right now

That makes me feel a little better

But I can’t figure out what it is I need

and how can I expect to find hope again

when I never water the seed

 

and you are so lucky to have your faith

While I am on my knees

I think I got suicidal at the age of eight

Saw myself hanging from trees

I always lacked a sense of purpose

Chaos and pain, that’s all I ever found

Within the walls of my mind

This haunted place that I am bound

and now I see myself hanging from the trees

So my feet won’t touch the ground

 

Aah, I’m lost again

I’m so lost again

and I’m so tired

fighting against myself

The clock is ticking

While I’m standing still

I am frozen in time again

Always against my will

 

Time waits for no one

and time does run out

and I should be moving

If I could only map out the route

 

Flying high, when you’re already scarred

Means that when you crash, you crash really fucking hard

 

So what, get up again!

 

Got on a plane with a plan

Flew away from these streets and my empty sheets

Haven’t seen or heard from you in weeks

It was fine, but now I’m home

I’m back in town, back in my own bed

Back to my old life, back in my own damn head

 

And here’s Lucifer in my mind again

And I shouldn’t be fucking with him, ‘cuz he always fucks me over

But I can’t chase out the memories

After all, this devil was my very first lover

 

Why can’t I just let go?

Why do I still have the need to know

To figure out the details of a story shattered in a million pieces

I guess it broke for a reason

I could handle pretty much anything

But my first lover’s treason

 

I can’t hate you

I can’t hate you even though I should

And you would never ever love me

Even if you could

Stone cold psychopath

So if I can’t have the love I will settle for your wrath

 

Does this mean I’ll go insane again

Guess only time will tell

I could never enter heaven

But I got a free pass to hell

 

And he will be there

Oh, he will be there

With his chains and torture devices

Still it’s that face that has me in a state of crisis

I can handle anything life throws at me

Anything but him walking out on me

He always walks out on me

 

Why did I have to go there

Why do you have to be there

Oh, Lucifer is in my head again

Guess that means I’ll go insane again

Well, only time will tell

I could never enter heaven

But I got, got a free pass to hell

 

And he will be there

Oh, he’s always waiting there

With his chains and his torture devices

But even after all these years

It’s still that face that gets me in a state of crisis

 

I can’t hate you and I can’t let go

Even if I know that I should

and you would never ever love me

Even if you were human enough so you could

Stone cold psychopath

If I can’t have your love, I’ll settle for your wrath

I’ll settle for your wrath..

and may all the gods made up by man forgive me now

For walking down this path

 

 

 

I wasn’t supposed to write this at all, but sometimes when I feel something I just run with it and that’s freestyling for ya I guess. I try really hard to get to a better place in life, I try to make some right moves, but there are times when my armour crack and the pain and the guilt and my insecurities gets me in a chokehold. I guess tonight is one of those times. And all I can do is sing these words to myself.. Because I can’t say them to the one that would have understood.

 

 

 

I could do without this haunted head

I would give anything

to wake you up from the dead

Or trade places with you

So it would have been me instead

 

Forgive me, for the strength I lack!

Oh and forgive me

For those last words I can never take back

I can never take back..

 

I tell myself «You’re running outta time»

But if I push too hard, I lose my mind

I lose my damn mind

I feel trapped inside this haunted head

And I can’t help it, at times I feel

I feel so drawn towards the dead

And sometimes all I really need

Is to be buried next to you

I’m sorry, I’m sorry that this being alive-thing

Is so hard for me to do

and it got ten times harder

the day we buried you

 

Forgive me for the skills I lack

And for each and every mistake

So many now, I’m losing track

I’m losing track..

 

I wish you were around, I miss the one that understands the way I’m wired and how intense I feel

I miss the one that saw me fully, the one that made me feel like I was real

I’m just a shadow now, unless mania turns me into a burden that no one can carry

This raging lunatic, this crazy demon

That they lock up, but dad, it doesn’t help

and I don’t know how I can be saved

I don’t think I can be saved

But I’m all I have left now, so I have to try

Even if I don’t know why

I hold on to all the broken pieces of me, but they cut me to the bone

And ever since you died, no place have felt like home

No place feels like home..

 

Forgive me, for walking in circles

For all my 180’s that turned into 360’s

I lost the map

I lost you

I lost myself, and I can’t seem to take me back

I can’t take me back..

 

I survived, hoping one day I could live

But living feels more and more like dying

And I don’t know how much longer I can keep on trying

Tears are a luxury I can no longer afford

Somehow I still feel like crying

 

Wait for me

Wait for me!

I need somewhere

to bury my bones

and hide my face

and all the broken pieces of me

I can’t force back into place

I can’t force them back into place..

 

There’s only me to save me now

But dad, after all these years

I still haven’t figured out HOW

 

Jeg er tilbake i Norge igjen, brunere, blidere og har kommet meg over det jeg trengte å gå videre fra. Heldigvis! Ser jo nå at jeg har tatt den beste beslutningen for begge parter. It just wasn’t ment to be. Og det visste vi vel begge to, hele tiden. Jeg hadde veldig flaks at denne ferien lot seg gjøre akkurat nå. Det var akkurat det jeg trengte. Tusen takk til favoritt-damene mine som ble med ❤️

 

Hatt det veldig fint på ferie, men kjente de siste dagene at nå er jeg klar til å reise hjem og tilbake til hverdag.. Men så slo det meg jo at jeg har faktisk ikke så mye hverdag å komme hjem til, og den er jo litt kjip. Jeg har prøvd å ordne et møte angående det, men det tar tiiid tydeligvis og nå er jeg redd for at jeg ikke kommer til å bli prioritert. Men jeg har en plan B, så nå må jeg bare komme i gang. Jeg tenker at det spiller faktisk ikke så stor rolle hva jeg gjør, bare jeg gjør NOE.

 

Framover vil jeg fylle livet mitt med mer som gir meg mening: Jeg vil ha en arena der jeg føler at jeg bidrar, en arena der jeg gjør noe bra for kroppen min (skal begynne med yoga en dag i uka som en start), og så har jeg jo favoritthobbien og lidenskapen min som er låtskrivinga. Nå har jeg bare tre sanger igjen å skrive fra Songs for the lost souls-prosjektet mitt og jeg gruer meg faktisk litt til å bli ferdig for det har vært skikkelig gøy. Men når det er gjort, har jeg jo faktisk fullført et helt album (kan jeg kalle det dét så lenge jeg ikke har spilt det inn? Høhø) bestående av 15 låter. Regner med at jeg kommer til å skrive noen bonus-tracks også.

 

Avsluttet med dette bildet, min foretrukne måte å entre bassenget på 🤪

 

 

Håper alle har en fin uke 🌹