Be your own goddamn hero

Sorry for the depressive blog posts lately. I’ve been down in a ditch. Probably by my own design.. It’s hard to keep depression at bay. Sometimes you think you’ve made it through, then it hits you like a tsunami.

But! I made it to Greece! Whoop whoop 🤪 I’m gonna work on my attitude non stop to avoid being a Debbie Downer. Yes? Yes! I’ve thought a lot about my issues lately, and you know what? I gotta save myself. Be my own goddamn hero. I’ve realised that no one else can help me soothe the pain but me. I’m a grown ass woman, I’ve made it to hell and back several times- I can do this! As I’m typing I still have my doubts, but pfffff.. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you feel me? Change takes time. I have time. I don’t know what the fuck I’m stressing over.

Stop and catch your breath.. Take the time you need to figure out what you want to do with your life. Build up strength little by little. Climb the stairs one step at the time. See, I know all this but.. Actually doing it is hard. But I’m going to try. I owe myself that. Haven’t been too kind on myself in this life. It’s time to change that.

That was a long rant, as usual. I’m done now. Good night ✨❤✨

Morsmål, mitt kjære morsmål

Gaaah, jeg må skrive ett innlegg på norsk kjenner jeg. Det flyter så mye lettere.. Hverdagsinnlegg er vanskelige nok på norsk!

Jeg plages voldsomt med flashbacks. Så ille at jeg får lyst til å sette meg ned i dusjen og bare skrike. Men jeg vet jo at det ikke vil hjelpe. Jeg trenger noe som hjelper!

Å finne ut av egen psyke er vanskelig. Tidligere har jeg dealet med det ved hjelp av spiseforstyrrelser, rus.. Ting som hjelper her og nå, men som på sikt bare forverrer problemene. Jeg sliter fortsatt med avhengighet av et slag, noe som gir trøst her og nå, men som på sikt bare får meg til å føle meg enda verre. Faen. Blir jeg aldri ferdig med å spille russisk rulett med meg selv..?

Det hjelper å skrive, være kreativ.. Få mestringsfølelse gjennom ord.. Føle på at man har kontroll over noe i det minste. Men jeg trenger mer.. Mer mestring, mer styr på ‘tankemonsteret’.. Føle at jeg bearbeider, ikke bare kamuflerer for en liten stund. At jeg er på vei mot noe, ikke følelsen av å gå baklengs.

Om noen timer setter jeg meg på et fly sørover. Jeg prøver å forhandle med meg selv at problemene skal bli igjen hjemme. Jeg vil unne meg timeout fra flashbacks, fra avhengighet, fra å føle meg som en drittunge som ikke mestrer voksenlivet. Jeg vil bare være en 30 år gammel dame på ferie med godt selskap.

So DO it. It’s in YOUR hands..

Wish myself luck..

Corazón

I thought I heard you say

This time around you’d stay

Maybe it was just me being crazy again..

🌑

You mean so much to me

But you don’t seem to care

Even when I’m shouting in your face

It’s like I’m not even there

🌑

It ain’t you it’s me

Asking for too much, probably

Should learn how to not give a fuck

‘Cuz you’re so above me I can’t reach you

And maybe me thinkin’ I might have a shot

Is nothin’ but a part of my crazy plot

🌑

I want you so bad

Even if you’ll never want me back

I wish you’d tell me point blank

So I’d stop obsessing over something I’ve never had

🌑

At some point you have to step up and crush my heart

So I can go back to start

Get my head sorted out

Stop dreaming about

..You ‘n’ me in some scene

Oh, but it’s such a wonderful dream..

🌑

It ain’t you it’s me

I’m sorry

You’re all I can think about

Don’t worry

I’ll get my head sorted out

Stop dreaming about..

Oh but it’s such a wonderful dream

Alt jeg vet

Må lære meg å holde pusten

under bølgene som skyller over meg

Lære meg å leve med

de skarpe kantene på livet som skjærer inn i huden min

Venne meg til synet av blod

🌑

Når alt er sagt og gjort

står bare håpløsheten igjen

På dette tidspunktet

har den blitt en gammel venn

🌑

Kanskje er jeg dum

som bevarte håpet så lenge

Holdt det hellig

Holdt på troen

«Ting vil løse seg til slutt»

sa jeg og trodde mine ord

Nå tror jeg ikke lenger

Vet bare hvordan det ender

At jeg skal bli til jord

🌑

Ingen hjelpende hånd

kan nå meg lenger

Ingen trøstende ord går fra øret til hjernen

Alt jeg vet er at det gjør faen så vondt

å klamre seg fast til et liv man begynner å lure på om man egentlig vil ha

Alt jeg vet..

Jeg vet så mye om hat og forakt

Og så alt for lite om kjærlighet

Can’t sleep

What else is new..?

There’s a couple of things that bug me.

1) I’m fat. I was on a roll, working out and shit.. Then I got sick with the flu but did my appetite get sick..? Hell nah! So all I did was eat, and now I have a constant double chin and a belly like Winnie the pooh. Crap! And I’ll be in a swimsuit soon and I do not feel ready.

2) My psychologist. Great guy, blah blah blah.. But he does not let me dwell into the deeper issues I’m up against. Every time I see him, I ask myself afterwards «What the heck did we talk about?! Did we even talk about anything??» It just feels pointless and a waste of time. And I feel even more alone with my problems.

3) Life in general. I feel so overwhelmed, so scared, so incompetent.. At least when I was living in an institution I could pretend things would be better by the time I would leave. Now I have left; the next chapter has officially begun and guess what.. Shit’s hard! I have no idea what I’m doing! I feel drawn towards either becoming an alcoholic or a heroinist. Those are my career options as a highschool dropout with a master’s degree in addiction. Fuck! Why do I bother with this ‘good girl, still trying, ain’t dying’ act?

Ok, so that was that. Now three positive things:

1) I can’t really come up with anything but.. Buuuuut.. Ok, I’m traveling to Greece in little over 24 hrs and even tho’ I’m FAT.. It will probably be great. I’ll make it great, fat bastard and all.

2) I found some pants that fit my fat ass. Lucky me!

3) Argh. Ok, so.. I had a really delicious dinner today. More junk in my trunk wooooh!

Sweet dreams😘

A totally pointless blogpost

Today I woke up at 8 and went to sleep again at 12.. Ok, shut up Sunniva, no one cares about your fucked up sleep pattern. Anyway.. I was a wee bit hungover today. I think I had just one glass of wine, but since I can’t really remember.. Maybe it was more. Either way, it was a fun night. Feels good to be social. Need to do more of that. The list of people I feel comfortable around is pretty short, though.. Might be time to expand the comfort zone.

I finished packing for Greece today. Major stoke! I’m finally feeling excited about something. When I get back I have some figuring out my life-shit to do.. But I’ll worry about that later. Greece will be worry-free! Hakuna matata 😘

Wine, weed and wordfeud part II

Gathered the boys for a creative, fun evening with rap battles. Best way of hanging out! Here’s my contribution:

Why you acting like a top dog

Bitch, you bark like a chihuahua

If this was Lord of the rings, then I’m the Balrog

🌑

So you think you can top this

My tongue is a whip,

you’re too easy to diss

I have your balls in a grip

You’re so easy to dismiss

You stutter, I spit venom when I hiss

🌑

Why you acting like an Alpha male

You’re destined to fail

I was born and raised in hell

If you go head to toe with me, oh well..

I’ll let your ears bleed from what you hear

This is me spitting in first gear

Ready to speed things up?

🌑

You’re no prince charming, you’re the frog

You sting like a wasp, I have the jaws of a bulldog.

Actually no, make that a shark

I bite so lethal I don’t need to bark.

I’m the great white killer of the sea

I smell blood in the water: Killing spree

I tried to warn you: YOU can’t handle ME

Ps: I lost 😜🙃🤪

Queen to your king

My mind is a messy place

I don’t blame you for backing out

My feelings are so intense

I don’t hate you for being scared

By the fire that burns inside me

🌑

I can only sing that

if you give me a chance..

I’ll love you with my mouth

Caress you with my hands

Make love to you with my mind

Commit to you with my soul

🌑

I’m such a failure

I don’t hold a grudge

on you for turning me down

And I do not loathe you

for chasing other girls

I can’t stand myself either

🌑

I can only sing that

if you give me a chance

I’ll give you my everything

So much more than just a romance

I’ll be the queen to your king

🌑

‘Cuz baby I can’t give up on you

Still want you

Still need you

Still waiting

Even if you told me not to

🌑

Can’t give up on you

No can’t give up on you

No no no..

I’m never getting over you

And surely you must know

Every word I sing to you is true

Yeah, every damn word is true..

‘Cuz I love you still, I do

Positive vibes

• I have my own apartment

• I just had a walk in the rain

• My family is doing ok

• I want to create a good life for myself

• I have hope now and then

• I’m traveling to Greece in a few days 🤪

• I’m feeling more like myself with less drugs in my body! Creative, emotional, a lil’ crazy 😜

• I care less about my physical appearance the older I get. Which is such a relief!

• I’m getting better at doing nice things for others ❤

• I have accepted the fact that I’m a WEIRDO and now I embrace it