All the things I’ve done

With this dream that I’d become

The one you call your home

 

(Yeah, I’m such a fool)

 

You don’t know and I can’t reach you

I guess this was a lesson to teach me

Not to cling to a childish fantasy

This knight in shining armour

I got his sword in my back now

 

It was never really love, I see that now

it was more like something I just had to believe

cuz I lost my faith in everything else

Most of all myself

 

Still..

It’s the way he walks (always away from me)

The way his words soothe me when he talks

Yet he always talks in clues

I can’t play the game when I don’t know the rules

So now I accept that I had to lose

And swallow this bitter pill of truth

I’ll never be the one you’d choose

 

Why did you have to be there

Dark angel, how did you find your way to my personal hell

How could you tell me that we’re strangers

When I recognize your face so well

All those damn lonely nights, you were right there but I could never have you

And after all these years

I still can’t find it in me to betray you

(I don’t know why it feels like I’m in debt to you)

 

A loyal fool is still just a fool

I’m burning hot, you keep your cool

I’d do everything to get over it

I think I might have

Then I sit down and spill my heart in these lines

And somehow they end up being about you

(Fuck!)

Yeah, I say that I’m over it

But these are my own words, and they tell the world

That it isn’t even close to being true

 

DAMN YOU.

 

 

 

 

Sorry not sorry..

 

So you’re back with your boner

Want me to pretend we’re Marge and Homer

Tell me I’m a perfect ten

Then the next day you don’t wanna see me again

 

Oh, this bad boy, bad boy

Wants me as his own toy, own toy

But I can no longer enjoy

I don’t really matter, no

Hot and cold, hot and cold

Those hands, all they know is a chokehold

 

Yeah, I’ve done stupid shit

But I am so over it

Tell me sweet lies in my ear

Knows all the bullshit a woman wants to hear

Still I know so well, if I let ya near

Baby, it’s crystal clear

You just wanna know you can still get inside me

If I let you in, I give it a day-

Then you’ll disappear

 

Ah, this bad boy, bad boy

Give him a good thing he can destroy

But I can no longer enjoy

I know I don’t really matter, no

Hot and cold, hot and cold

Those damn hands, ah!

All they know is a chokehold

 

Lovebombing me like Hiroshima

Ignoring me for months, then battle for my heart like Iwo Jima

Want me to welcome him with open legs

Acts like he wants to fertilize my damn eggs

 

This bad boy, bad boy

Now he got it in his head I’m his fav toy

How am I supposed to enjoy

I never mattered, no

Hot and cold, hot and cold

Those damn hands, ah!

All they know is a chokehold

 

 

 

Why does it feel like it’s never ending

The pain is still throbbing somewhere under my skin

I wish I could go numb and cold

I wish I could go back in time

Erase the day I met you

Maybe you don’t understand, but you raped my fucking mind

My brain no longer feels like it’s mine

 

I’d tell you whatever it is you want to hear

I just don’t understand what you want

I’ve given up everything

And still you don’t care

 

All these years I spent in vain,spinning a fairytale of lies

When it comes down to it, I still can’t tell what is hiding behind your eyes

And my own brain seems to go insane

Each time I get too close to the truth

It really hurts, how these violent turns

Stole so many years of my youth

 

I don’t like myself anymore

But the sad truth is

I wasn’t that much better before

Just better at lying I guess

Well I can’t lie no more

I’ve never felt more sure

I see myself for exactly what I am

I can’t lie no more

Problem is, you can

 

Shit, you’re still so pretty

That just ain’t me

And that will never be me

You’ve seen me at my worst, you know just how ugly I can get

And I’ve seen it too, so there goes my self respect

I tried so hard to change, but it lead me nowhere

All the demons in my head, they’re still there

 

I’ll never know what’s hiding behind your eyes

All I know, is I have to end this fairytale of lies

 

 

 

 

You spin me right outta control

After all this time, I still haven’t figured it out

In this wicked game you play

What the fuck is your role

You act like my saviour

But you broke my heart, and then you crushed my soul

 

Desire, desire

Sleeping on cloud nine

Wake up on barbed wire

 

Your drugs ain’t doing it for me

You let me out at last, but I’m still not free

I can’t believe how I brainwashed myself into thinking that you and I was ment to be

How I told myself we were destiny

More like you’re the death of me..

 

Desire, desire

I used to be this untouchable icequeen

Now every inch of me is on fucking fire

 

All in all, I was just a blip on your radar

You’re the meteor that wiped out my world

My touch didn’t leave a single mark on you

Your hands left such a scar

And I can’t seem to erase you from my mind

The answers you hide from me

are impossible to find

 

Desire, desire

Sleeping on cloud nine with him

Waking up alone on barbed wire

 

How did you get this deep under my skin

I don’t recall ever inviting you in

Should blow my brain out

Paint the wall red

Sometimes I think that’s the only trick

To get you outta my head

My head..

 

Desire, desire..

Got my heart tangled up in barbed wire

I don’t know which fate is worse

Between feeling nothing at all

Or like every heartbeat hurts

 

 

 

Skulle egentlig kjøre en beinhard linje med kun engelsk her inne, men skrivelysten min blomstrer best når jeg kan veksle mellom det og morsmålet mitt alt etter hva jeg føler for.. Så, back to norsk it is 😉 For i dag, i hvert fall!

 

Dagens outfit.. Fant denne disco-kula av et klesplagg på Zalando for noen år siden. (Ser også at det er på tide med en rydde-økt i heimen, heeeh..)

 

 

Har vært en rimelig bra uke på treningsfronten: Jeg har svømt, hatt en styrkeøkt, løpt en tur med tanteungen i vogna (eneste som kunne gjort løping gøy for meg!) og på fredag var jeg på yoga med favoritt-jenta mi. Det var faktisk veldig gøy, det hadde jeg ikke trodd! Men argh, gangsperr.. Kroppen min er IKKE vandt til dette opplegget, men man må jo bare gjennom det i startfasen. Det er jo deilig også, å kjenne at alt av muskler omsider har blitt tvunget ut av dvale 😅

 

Kostholdet mitt derimot.. Tommel ned! Jeg har spist junk stort sett hver dag, har lyst til å snacke hele tiden. I dag gikk det helt skeis, jeg har spist middag på McDonalds med søs og guttene hennes, og så hjem for å spise to poser med popcorn og noen skiver hjemmelaget bananbrød bare for å virkelig tøye magesekken.. I tillegg er jeg hardcore på bruskjøret, og nå må jeg vel bare innse at jeg kan faktisk ikke ha disse greiene i hus. Jeg har NULL selvkontroll, og det er litt kjipt, for jeg føler av og til at det er spøkelset til spiseforstyrrelsene som kødder litt med meg fortsatt..

Men ja ja, nå ble det sånn og det er bare å prøve og være litt sunnere fremover. Jeg VIL jo kunne kose meg med usunn mat innimellom også, men må jobbe med å begrense det. Kanskje jeg skal prøve å kun spise kosemat i felleskap med andre i en periode, for det er når jeg har tilgang til hele gildet alene at det som regel kommer ut av kontroll. Når det begynner å minne meg om spisekickene jeg pleide å ha, så får jeg en litt ekkel følelse av det hele.

 

Nok om det, spist er spist som det heter. I dag har jeg vært på biblioteket og fylt sekken med bøker, i det siste har jeg brukt alt for mye tid til å bare ramle ned i et svart hull på internett, og det sluker så mye tid som bare blir brukt på tull. 5 minutter på det jævla internett er liksom 5 timer i det virkelige liv, rart det der.

 

Jeg låner Lulu, firbeinte tanteungen i noen dager og det er skikkelig koselig. Blir automatisk litt lettere med rutiner og struktur, når man har en liten tass som skal ut og luftes 3-4 turer til dagen. Og så er hun en skikkelig kosebamse 🥰

 

 

Nå skal vi ut og gå kveldstur. Håper du har hatt en fin helg 🌹

You said «No one will ever love you again.

You can’t trust anyone, least of all your brain»

I ripped my heart out of its cage

And threw it right into your spiteful face

I’d rather love a ghost

Than a monster who was once a man

You did not have much faith in me

And I reckon you thought I’d just die

I’m still alive

You didn’t believe that I could do this alone

Well, you were wrong..

I can.

🎵

And I will die one day, that’s for sure

But not because of you

There IS a cure

I’m erasing every memory

Just like I sacrificed my sanity..

Of all the people in the world you’d know

🎵

You are dead to me

Dead to me..

If I repeat it, will you stay in my mental cemetery

I will die one day

But you will not!

Be the death of me

🎵

You shine in the spotlight

Maybe that’s why I prefer the darkness

And I’ll rather live fucking cold and heartless

Than love a monster

Who was once a man

🎵

Here I go, no heart, no mercy

Your pretty face can’t seem to face me

I choke every time you embrace me

You want me dead

All I want is to keep you out of my head

Your words have power!

Your actions too, you messed me up beyond measure

Your chokehold on me, now it’s over

I’ve fought so hard for closure

Let me, let me go

Keep the filthy truth to yourself,

I no longer want to know

🎵

You better hope the table doesn’t turn

If your world ever catches on fire

Oh, I’ll make damn sure that you burn

And I’d rather love a ghost

Than the one that hurt me the most

A monster who was once a man..

You said I couldn’t do this alone

Well, I can

 

 

My life is a real mess, and I am a real mess- but I’m not gonna go in depth on that right now.. (Reckon everyone got that figured out by now anyway 🙄)

 

I’m just gonna show you today’s outfit! I found these leggings on sale at Zalando, they are by Versace’s cheaper off-shoot line Versace Jeans Couture. Electric blue is apparently on trend right now- it’s such a vibrant pretty color!  Cropped pink hoodie is from H&M years ago.

 

 

 

 

Polarbear necklace found at the Wish-app, I’ve actually found quite a lot of cheap gems from there- especially when it comes to jewellery!

 

This faux fur jacket I got on sale from H&M (it was flipping 150 NOK, steal!), bag is second-hand Alexander Wang, and the cute keychain on it is another polarbear.

 

Can someone please point a gun at my head and command me to get my shit together..? I need help. Or maybe I need to be kicked in the ass and forced out of my tiiiny comfort-zone.. Am I the only one terrified of this being alive-thing or are there more of us? Life is so draining when every little step of it scares the sh*t outta me.. I don’t know what to do 😔 Lately I’ve just lost all hope. I’ve lost direction. I’ve lost the motivation that I need in order to be brave.

 

I want to be brave. It just comes at such a high cost for me, and I wish so bad that I was different.. Stronger. More determined. Lately I’ve been letting myself down, and it feels awful.

 

Well, enough whining. Wish you a good day 🌹

Got me crawling in my skin

Wondering why feelings are so hard to show

Thinking ‘bout who’s gonna take my spot now

I don’t wanna know

Yeah, I’m sure you’ll enjoy

All this time, all I was..

Was your toy

 

At the bottom of the bottle, here we go

Turned out such a shit-show

Coulda bitten my poisonous tongue off,

guess I should have

Now I’m the toxic one

Who knew you’d turn out the good guy

Guess I’m the fucking worst then

I’m not wondering why I’m sleeping alone

 

Never tried to play you

Was just protecting my heart

Somehow that made me betray you

Tears down your cheek like I’m even worth it

Fuck, I was never gonna do this again

Back and forth, from enemy to friend

Could never make my mind up

No wonder now you’re fed up

One time is a slip, two times a fuck-up

Drama, don’t want it

Somehow still, I’m bound to blow up

Temper, temper..

Thought I was too cold to care

Now my nuclear bomb is poisoning the atmosphere

 

Didn’t know I was this dysfunctional

Didn’t mean for this shit to get personal

It was supposed to be fun

Now I’m staring down the barrel of the gun

and there’s a bullet in your chest

Fuck me, fucking you, fucking us both over

I’m sorry…

 

Ah, I’m just a toy

So play me, please

It’s all I’m good for

It’s all I’m worth

Trust me when I say this

I ain’t worth the hurt

 

I am at war with myself

There is a battlefield behind these eyes

and I can not win

What was it all for

All those years I could barely breathe

I promised myself that at some point in life

At some damn point

I would figure it all out

I would figure myself out

And yet here I am

A paradox, a mystery

And still I have this terrible feeling

That I have yet to see the worst of me

 

There never was a future in this dark, twisted mind

I can only stare into this black void

I figure it’s my grave

And sometimes I have to go to sleep just so I can pretend I’m in it

That I don’t ever have to wake up and be me again

This weak, tormented, shallow piece of shit of a human being

That always says the wrong thing

Always takes the wrong turn

Always ends up self-sabotaging

Hurts anyone who gets close enough

Does it matter that I never mean to?

I’m still leaving you with scars

 

I had to burn all the bridges

I had to let them go down in flames

I am a damn island now

Stranded here with my worst enemy

My fucking self

 

I try, but it’s never enough

And I hate myself, because now I’m too afraid

Told myself I could do this

But prove every day that I just can’t

 

The black void is expanding

I am getting smaller

No wonder no one can see me

I am just a shadow now

Just a shadow..

And the terrifying thing is

How comfortable I am with this

 

The grave staring at me

I long for it so bad

Just sink my fingers into the dirt

And let the earth consume me

For it to just be over

 

But I see this little girl sometimes

All she had to carry

All she had to endure

How brave she was

How strong she had to be

And I ask myself

How could I let her turn into me..?

 

Death will stay faithful

And I guess that’s why

I can give myself

a little more time