The last words I’ll waste on you

Tell me what is on your agenda

Is it lust or hate when your eyes go black

I said “I love you”

Now I’m taking it back

I have been so fucking brave for you

But courage is a thing you lack

And not a single word you’ve spoken was true

Yet after all the shit you’ve put me through

I was still dumb enough to be nice to you

And there was this part of me defending your actions

But why should I defend someone who left me in chains

You say I can trust you, but you’re not who you claim

The things I’ve done for you, now I see you’d never do the same

I am no longer playing a part in your fucked up game

Whatever it is you want from me, you’re not gonna get

And maybe I did love you, but you lost my respect

So I’m just walking out the door

Leaving you behind

Maybe you just don’t get it but

damn it you raped my bloody mind

I could never look at you and smile again

Who needs an enemy who’s disguised as a friend

A devil with a fucking halo

Or just an angel with a rotten heart

Don’t look my way again, you’ve played your part

In this broken, bloody history of mine

Don’t come for me when I’m down

If you are my saviour I’d rather drown

Don’t act like my hero

From now I’ll be my own

 

From now I’ll be my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blood oath

Jeg skal greie det. Uansett hvor vanskelig det er. Uansett hvor forjævlig vondt det gjør. Uansett hvor mange ganger jeg ryker inn på psyk og må begynne fra scratch igjen. Uansett hva slags prøvelser som ligger foran. Uansett hva slags faenskap som ligger der bak. Jeg skal ikke gi meg selv opp. Jeg skal prøve og prøve og prøve.

 

Det dere gjorde mot meg, skal jeg aldri glemme. Jeg skal aldri tilgi. Jeg tror ikke på karma. Jeg tror ikke på at rettferdigheten alltid seirer, og at smådjevlene som vandrer på denne jorda må brenne i helvete for sine synder. De slipper som regel unna. Fordi de har makt. De manipulerer. De lyver. Men dere skal vite at dere har undervurdert meg. Jeg er modigere enn dere. Seigere. Mer tålmodig. Mer utholdende. Kanskje er jeg sterkere også. Vi får se. Dere tok alt. Kroppen min. Psyken min. Men sjelen min får dere aldri. Den tar jeg med meg i grava. Og om jeg finner ut at det er flere enn meg som har blitt utsatt for jævelskapen deres, da skal jeg gi dere helvete. Koste hva det koste vil.

 

 

Jeg gir så faen i hvor det ender. Hva jeg gjør, hva jeg måtte bli eller ikke bli.  Jeg vil ikke ha makt, penger, suksess, bli berømt. Jeg skal ha fred. Jeg skal ha fred i hodet, fred i sjelen, så godt det lar seg gjøre. Jeg skal være glad i meg selv, ta vare på meg selv, bygge meg selv sterk. Jeg var et forbaska modig barn. Hun lever inni meg ennå. Jeg skal slippe henne fri. Jeg skal la meg selv være lykkelig, tilfreds, fornøyd. Alle de stundene jeg kan. Det kan ikke være sånn hele tiden, det forstår jeg. Jeg er ikke kravstor. Livet kan ta deg innom både helvete og paradis. Jeg ville ikke valgt det annerledes. Jeg vil føle alt. Jeg vil ikke være redd for det lenger, at jeg føler så intenst. Jeg håper og tror at jeg kan bli sterk nok til å tåle det. At jeg kan la meg selv bli lidenskapelig i det meste jeg gjør. Elske så hardt at det gjør vondt, sørge så sterkt at det nesten tar livet av meg.. Det er sånn jeg er skapt. Jeg vil ikke sloss mot det. Jeg må finne en måte å leve med det på. Jeg skal jobbe med meg selv. For meg selv. Fordi jeg skylder meg selv det, etter alt som har vært- og sikkert alt jeg skal igjennom også 😉 Faen, livet ass. Det er bare å sette på seg hjelmen. Det skal ikke være lett! Jeg vil ikke ha det lett. Jeg vil vokse på motgang, jeg vil reise meg igjen og igjen, jeg vil bevise for meg selv at jeg faktisk har fortjent å være her. I det skumle, jævlige, deilige, rare livet.

 

Til lille Sunniva:

Cry, little angel..
Don’t be ashamed of your tears
Or sucking your thumb
to comfort you or cope with your fears

It’s alright little angel
You can’t see me but I’m right beside you
I travelled through time
And in time I’ll save you

See kiddo, you’re a stranger in a scary world
And you don’t know it but you’re a brave little girl
I can’t tell why they hurt you
To the point where they almost murder you
I can only suffer with you
Oh, I suffer with you

I travelled in time
to witness what they put you through.. So you can forget for a while
Don’t you worry, angel
You can’t see me
but I’m here for you
I travelled back in time and in time I’ll guide you.. Wherever you want to go

I’ll shelter your ears for the lies they tell you. Whisper from the back of your mind when they ring true.
Listen; I will never let myself betray you.. Even in times when it seems like I do.

When I’m ready we will unite and become one. And then.. Then I’m coming home. I’ll keep you safe inside me and when we die we die together

For I am… You
And you are who I’ll be
The reason I’ll always keep the child in me

Sleep little angel
I’ve waited in time
to set you free

Little child soldier
For you the war is finally over
I’ve waited in time so you can live within me
Oh brave child soldier
For you the war is finally over

 

Break these chains

Listen

How many times are you gonna whip your skin

and look within for the original sin

Your search for answers only lead to madness

Stop repeating the fucking pattern

It’s time for new thoughts

It’s time for action

You live, live harder!

And if you’re gonna do all this thinking,

it’s about time you think smarter!

 

You can, you will, you must

When all is said and done, you only got yourself to trust

Life sometimes hurts, make it worth the cost

It’s time to take back everything you’ve lost

You can!

And you will!

It’s time to be your own damn hero,

you gotta save yourself girl

 

Listen

Your heart is bruised, but it’s still beating

You gotta deal with the pain, there’s no cheating

But you can let yourself evolve from it

Push through the dark times, just don’t quit

Break these chains

Rebuild yourself, you can and will get better

Life’s gonna smack you in the face again eventually,

it’s just the way it is 

So make it worth it,

find a way to benefit from this!

 

You can!

And you will!

It’s time to be your own damn hero,

you gotta save yourself girl

Gotta break these chains

and find your place in this world 

 

 

Soldier of life

 

Two steps forward, ten steps back

Courage and wisdom are things that I lack

And my self respect is dead and gone

Life fucking hurts, I’m broken and bruised to the bone

So fucking insecure..

I hate myself

Yeah, I hate myself..

but I love you more

 

 

I can’t do this!

If I die, will you let me stay asleep?

I can’t do this..

I’m too scared to walk out the door

If I die, don’t let me come back to life

Sometimes I think I’ve been here before

 

 

I feel too much

I think too damn loud

I love my mama but

I can’t find a way to make her proud

I go crazy either way

Sad, happy, here she goes again

Call the cops, reel me in

I try so hard but I just can not win

And it’s taking its toll

How can I be this immature, and yet feel so old..

 

 

I don’t want to!

Open my eyes to another day

My fucking haunted head, always leading me astray

Why, god, why am I made this way??

Shut me off, kill me now

Or let me live, just tell me how

Just tell me HOW

 

I can’t do this…

 

Get your shit together

Stitch up your broken pieces

and keep moving

Your head is weak, so your heart must be strong

You know who you want to become

Get out of your foxhole, soldier

You’re still alive and the war ain’t over

Keep moving!

 

 

I just don’t

Just don’t want to..

Can’t see that I’m worthy

To keep fighting for

If I could believe in myself the way I believe in you

I’m so sorry for the shit I put you through

And still you stand by my side

Making it so damn hard to leave it all behind

If only I could keep you, but leave myself..

If only I could handle this life without losing my mind

I’m not cut out for this hellride

And I’m not worthy of your love

But I love you back ten times for it

And I’ll try

For you

If you keep believing in me

Maybe someday I can too

 

Keep moving soldier!

You’re still alive

and the war ain’t over

I can and will do this

I’m broken and bruised to the bone

But I have your love and with you I belong

I get so fucking lost sometimes,

but I always find my way back home

And if you can live with me being like this..

I owe it to you to be just as strong.

 

Daughter! Sister! Soldier of life!

My head is weak, and my heart  might be too..

But if I can, I will make it strong- for you.

I’ll snap back from the insanity

Yeah, I’ll keep moving forward- I’ll do it for my family

I can’t do it for me, but I will try for my family.

Because you are my why.

You are the best part of me

❤️

 

Red dead redemption

Pour me another drink

So I can drown out what I think

Don’t ask me how I feel

I’m scared my words will make it real

🎵

I’m terrified

For this life

Can’t decide

Suicide doesn’t seem so bad right now

I’m living on death row

I can barely remember my own name

I’m not cut out for this game

🎵

Darkness reigns

I can’t restrain

My mind is always going backwards

Please pause my brain

🎵

But there’s a voice whispering

at the back of my head

And I’m still not dead

I still have time

And I know I can make my life.. mine

🎵

It’s gonna get better

I’m determined to turn the table

Back to the drawing board

I’m not using the last resort

I’ll reinvent myself

Move up from the bottom shelf

Time to wipe the slate

I am the master of my own fate

and it’s not too late

🎵

I’ll break free from my chains

Bury my burden

So my mama won’t have to bury me

I’ll set myself free

I’ll find the key

I’ll be whoever I want to be

No, life ain’t done with me

Code red

Hold meg i hånda

Før meg gjennom dødens dal

Jeg er ikke religiøs

Jeg trenger bare en hjelpende hånd

akkurat nå

Mens stormen raser mellom ørene mine

Og det fryser til is mellom ribbeina mine

🌑

Ikke se ned på meg

Møt blikket mitt heller

Jeg tåler å lese skuffelsen i øynene dine

Jeg tåler alt, bare jeg blir konfrontert med det

Ikke synes synd på meg bak ryggen min

🌑

Ikke gå fra meg

Her på bunnen av ingenting

Jeg er ikke redd

Jeg føler ikke så mye lenger, for å være ærlig

Akkurat dét burde kanskje skremme meg

Men man blir vandt til det meste

Eller kanskje bare nummen

🌑

Ikke bli av sympati

Må du gå, så må du gå

Jeg tåler å høre skrittene dine bort fra meg

Jeg tåler alt, bare jeg blir konfrontert med det

Og for å være ærlig

Burde noen andre leve i mitt sted

For jeg har gitt opp håpet

Kanskje da vil jeg få fred

🌑

Junkie

It's a substitute

It's self medication

It makes me feel cheap and hollow

And I hate you for stringing me along

Making me desperate for leftovers

🌑

Love me, love me, love me

🌑

It’s heroin in my veins

The lust I feel between my thighs

Making me feel dirty in a bad way

In dire need of just one more hit

🌑

Leave me, leave me, leave me

🌑

I swear each time you walk out that door

My heart drops all the way to the floor

and every time I think this is the last time

Then you’re knocking on the door again

and I greet you with open legs

Fuck me..

A string of words I put together

I sometimes dream that we are together

Even if I promised myself I wouldn’t

and I’m aware I really shouldn’t

To give imagination free wings

is to jeopardize my sanity

🌑

And still

Still it feels so right

To wish you’d company me in the night

For me to give you my all

Even if it means risking to fall

and break every damn bone in my body

🌑

Shatter my mind

Into a thousand pieces

Until I’m left clueless

Broken

Lost

🌑

And yet

If someone would ask

I’d tell ‘em

It was worth it..

Empty words

Life is this

weird and scary thing

with its up and downs

Calm and storm

Life and death

🌑

I wish I knew

how to grab it with both hands

Shape it to the form I’d like

Live the way I want

🌑

No room for joy it seems

Only misery exist within my skull

Only hatred flows in my veins

I loathe the person looking back at me in the mirror

🌑

If I could switch places with you

Wherever you may be

I would happily grant you to live in my place

I have no use for it

My life is a cage

and only death will set me free

🌑

Excuse me for being too scared

For taking my time

I will eventually join you

There at the other side

Wherever you may be

I’m just asking you this last favour

Take my breath and set me free

Drop the bomb

So it seems I’ve played out the hand I was dealt

I may be a smooth talker, but I’m no politician

I might be a flirt but I’m nobodys wife

And I fuck up all the time but

after all it’s my life

🌑

I’m gonna drop the bomb

Said I don’t need you

Watch my ass walk out the door

I’m heading somewhere better

Yeah, and I’ll find someone better!

🌑

Some say I’m dumb but

I don’t repeat my mistakes

(That’s a lie though)

Some say I’ve been around but

I can keep track though

I may be a total failure but

At least I get up each time I’m knocked down

🌑

I’m gonna drop the bomb

(Drop the bomb yeah!)

Said I no longer love ya

Watch my ass walk out the door

I’m heading somewhere better, hah!

I’ll find someone better, yeah

🌑

Watch my, watch my..

Ass out that door

I’m not turning around this time