This t-shirt is pretty representative of how I’ve felt about myself today 😐

 

It is from Marc Jacobs, I found it seconhand!

 

I was at work today, and alright I’m a rookie and everything but BAH I’ve felt so slow, insecure and clumsy- even the simplest of tasks takes me forever and I’ve felt like all I’ve been doing is messing up and being annoying to the pro’s I work with, and that is SO hard when all you want is to handle shit and do a good job 😔

 

It just spiraled from there, on my way home I started thinking about how little I’ve achieved in life, how much ‘common-knowledge’ I’ve missed out on, how under-developed I feel on pretty much all areas in life. I haven’t gone there in a while, but today I did and man does it do me any good? No. But it’s a slippery slope, this mind of mine. I’m really good at hitting the bottom. Head first, no helmet.

 

Eventually I just had to do SOMETHING other than being inside my own damn head, so I went on a walk with a friend. It helped. Just walking in the cold air, focusing on a conversation that is not you trash-talking yourself.

 

I knew this would be a challenge. It would’ve been no matter what kind of job it was, cuz there is really nothing in this world I am particularly good at. But I am doing something that REALLY scares me and that I’ve never had much confidence in- and that does make me brave..? And that is above all what I long to be.. So.. Brush off that feeling that I am a walking disaster and completely hopeless. I am TRYING! I am operating SO far outta my comfort zone. That is where my focus needs to be.

 

 

I have a thing for pimping everything! Vintage brooches are perfect for that 🦋

 

 

 

 

Bag is also seconhand AND also Marc Jacobs  😁 It’s metal checkered with a padlock, you know I have a soft spot for cool details 🤓 Gloves are this season H&M, I love this style and finally got a pair.

 

 

 

If you zoom in on these pics you can see how tattered and worn-out this coat is getting 😅 It has been to war with me.. No joke! Those who knows, know..

 

 

I’m finishing off with these wise words. And I have to remind myself what ‘success’ is to me. That just the fact that I’m doing this, embarking into new and unknown territory, exposing myself, damn it: Just the fact that I get up and out the door in the morning, that I’m not planning my own funeral, I am not just merely alive but I’m living.. I mean, it IS me versus myself, and remember where I was mentally just 6 months ago.. I stood still for a while, but  I’ve taken babysteps, I’ve taken huge steps, and I HAVE and AM moving forward!

 

 

Phew. This being alive-thing has always been very complicated for me, but I guess that also keeps things interesting. I do wish sometimes that the things ‘everyone else’ seem to handle so effortlessly would be easy for me too, but.. If everything scares you, you get a lot of opportunities to be brave as well I guess. The clue is allowing yourself to feel it ❤️

 

Wish you a great week 🌹I am gonna work real hard on my mindset! 👊🏼

This one is for my ride or die:

 

 

Spit fire, my dragon

Spread your wings and soar

Show those motherfuckers who doubted you

It’s about time they hear you roar

You can do this

Grab life by the balls

I believe in you, mi amor

🎵

You are special, I’ve known it since the day you were born

You are gifted and talented,

And although you feel broken at times, you are NOT torn

You have a purpose in life, don’t waste your potential

Go out in the spotlight, aim for the stars

You don’t need a man, you don’t need sheep’s approval

You got the words in your arsenal, you got bars

🎵

C’mon baby dragon!

Get out of that hole, get out of the dump

Slay your demons, I believe in you!

You got what it takes, you will triumph

You choose your destiny, you decide your own fate

And don’t let anyone tell you bullshit like «It’s too late»

It’s never too late

Leave the hate,

Love yourself-

Why shouldn’t you,

you’re fucking great

🎵

Spit fire, my dragon

Spread your wings and soar

Show those motherfuckers who doubted you

It’s about time they hear you roar

You can do this

Grab life by the balls

Take the hammer, break those brick walls

I believe in you, mi amor

🎵

C’mon baby dragon!

you decide where to go from here, the past is gone

Slay your demons, we believe in you!

There’s a fighter in you, get the gloves on

Stay true to what makes you YOU

Don’t leave the ring just because you got hit

You got the words in your arsenal, and there is flames from your mouth when you spit

Get up!

Keep fighting

The battle ain’t over

You got the words in your arsenal

Believe me, they are thunder and lightning

🎵

Never forget

If the whole world turns on ya

You got me, babe

You got your number one fan, and that’s me

You got your Suja 👊🏼

 

 

 

 

 

You and me then, you and me now, you and me forever ❤️

Wooop, it’s the weekend and I’m ready to head to my fav human in the world 🥰

It’s girls’ night in so I’m bringing facemasks, rosé and homemade banana-bread.

 

 

Casual and comfy trumps dressing up today 😅 This cardigan was handed down to me from my aunt. T-shirt is Eddie from Iron Maiden, one of the greatest bands out there 🤘🏼

 

 

 

How pretty is this vintage rose ring?

 

 

 

Weather is pretty bad.. But isn’t it always around here this time of the year 😅 Hope you have a great saturday! I gotta gooo!

 

Had an appointment today, but prioritized a little extra sleep over doing my makeup. A very common phenomenon around here!

 

 

 

 

 

The bag is the Alexander Wang ‘Brenda’ bag, I wanted one for yeeears (Tried googling when it was released but couldn’t find it, I think somewhere around 2010..?) and initially I was drawn to it because  it was quite rough-looking – my Brenda is NOT- but when I stumbled across this rose gold version on Ebay I was like «OK, that’s the one». I was about to turn 30 (which to be honest was a milestone I did not believe I would reach, because damn.. I’ve had my share of suicidal periods..) and this bag was my gift to myself. I decided in advance (a very good advice if you plan to bid on auctions!) that I would not go any higher than 200 $ and it ended up mine. One thing that is really cool about this bag is that the rose gold is supposed to start cracking by wear and tear, and then the leather underneath will appear, changing how the bag looks. So it is a very pretty bag now, but by time it will become more rough-looking. I think this is such a cool and creative concept, and I’m excited to see what it will look like years down the road.

 

 

This ring is from Disney Couture, I love this quote. It’s a locket ring, but I haven’t put anything inside it yet- I’m thinking maybe a photo of my dad? Or my nephews? Or just a handwritten note that says «You can». Or I can keep a valium in there, for emergency needs 😅 (I’m joking.. But it IS a possibility 😂)

 

My mum and I wandered around in a mall after my appointment, and on a whim we ended up at the liquor store. I’m NOT a big drinker and to be honest I prefer not drinking even at parties but.. It’s okay to have some in back-up I guess because I do end up always being the one free-loading on everyone else if I DO drink 😅 I am pretty clueless when it comes to alcohol, so I was drawn to the prettiest packaging as you can see, lol. The Disaronno I am familiar with though, it’s really good! I just do shots. It’s most effective 😜

 

 

We also went by the Norwegian high-end store ‘Høyer’, it was my first time there! I’ve always felt too poor for that kind of stores and imagined that the staff would just instinctively know that and kick me out 😅 But today I had the balls, and well.. I was not impressed to be honest. Nothing stood out to me as particularly interesting or screamed high quality or very unique. There was some Marc Jacobs and Tory Burch in terms of big international brands, but not in high quality materials that to me would somewhat justify the pricetag. I guess I am grateful for feeling this way though, because I AM in fact too poor to shop there 😂

 

Wish you a good weekend 🌹 I have some plans, but I do like to just be spontaneous and kind of just go wherever the wind takes me soooo… I really feel like going to the library, I haven’t read a book in a while and I need to dive into someone else’s world for a while. I don’t want to get too caught up in my own head, it does tend to happen to me still- especially at night-time.

 

I want to take care of my mental health now more than ever, I don’t want to miss out on work and I really want to stretch out this period of progress and positivity for as long as I can- because the longer it lasts the more confident I can say that «This was MY hard work- it was not part of a manic episode». I need this so bad.. To feel like I am in charge and making rational decisions that leads me forward, that I am in fact brave and not just ‘high’ from the mania. But you know, there’s parts of life we can’t control and I just have to be okay with that. It is NOT a defeat to be sick! And it does not mean the end of the world if it happens.. That has to be the ultimate goal, that if bad luck strikes and I end up hospitalized for some months.. Okay, that was a knock-out, but pick up my teeth and get back on my feet!

 

Finishing off with the photo I think I’ll put in my locket ring.. My beautiful, beautiful boys ❤️#proudauntie The oldest ALWAYS replies to me when I tell him I can’t do something: «You CAN do it, Suja!». Makes my heart burst.. 😭 If this amazing lil’ guy has faith in me, I want to live up to it!! Believing IS just the beginning!

 

 

 

 

These demons, they all live rent free in my mind
Manifesting as mania, turns me into the worst of ‘em
Peace and purpose, I can’t find
Serenity, what a fucking gem!
3,2,1-
I’m counting down until I lose my shit again
Manic mess, psycopath, who and what will I become?
When these demons take over my brain
(Insane, insane, insane)
When these demons take over my brain
(Not again, not again, not again!)

 

I don’t wanna be her
But she has a mind of her own, and it can’t be mine
It can’t be mine?!
Yet she rules superior, and she decides the place and the time
And I want to murder her so bad
But if she dies, so do I
(Now you know, don’t blame me if I try)

I wanna light the madness on fire, until it burns to ashes
Destroy it all, until all of me crashes
I can’t be under her spell…
I wanna light her on fire and send her to hell
And if I have to join her, well…

 

Sometimes I think the worst thing to be
Is alive
I’m sorry mama, but I said what I said
It’s like all the monsters escaped from under the bed
And now they live rent free inside my head
My fucking head!
I can’t escape this feeling of dread
The road ahead is filled with mines
I can’t see clearly because I’m always scouting for warning signs
All I want is to stay inside these lines
I don’t want to cross the border
I just want my thoughts to stay in order..
Cursed, this terrorist living rent free in my head..
Keep those damn thoughts in order!
Cursed, this damn bloody head
This fucking supranuclear bipolar disorder

 

 

Okay, so these jeans are designer- John Galliano, and one of his signature-creations is the ‘newspaper’ print. My family helps running a second-hand store and I was there as a helping hand: I was SO intrigued when I stumbled across this pair: in a second-hand store in a tiny town in north of Norway- you really never know when or where you’ll strike gold when looking through second-hand, and that’s what makes it so fun!

 

First: I NEVER thought I’d fit any designer jeans- I have junk in all trunks 😂 But they fit perfectly! Second: The price was 30 NOK.. That’s INSANE, and I had to say it: These pants are worth A LOT more, and I am willing to pay a lot more.. But when I had argued the price up to 100 NOK the saleswoman (who also happens to be my favorite aunt ❤️) wouldn’t accept any higher bids so.. 🤷‍♀️

 

 

 

The top is handed down to me from a relative with a really good sense of style. Growing up in the 90’ies/early 2000’s my mom’s cousin would drop by huge bags of old clothes from her two daughters, and it would usually be a lot of neutral colors and very timeless, preppy, classic pieces- that I still have and use today. (That was SO nice of them, by the way- we didn’t have much money growing up, my mum being a single-mum of four kids..❤️)

 

 

This style of bracelet is called a ‘slave-bracelet’ and it’s typically a cuff around your wrist linked to rings on your fingers. This I found vintage, I think it could possibly be an antique even (but I’m no expert!) and I got it really cheap.

 

 

 

 

These gloves I found secondhand on Ebay, from Kenzo’s collab with H&M. Bag is from Kapp Ahl.

 

 

This hat used to belong to my sister, but I would always borrow it when I started struggling with anxiety in my teens- I felt like I could hide in this and avoid eye contact- I kinda depended on it to go outside at my worst of times- so my sister, the angel she is let me have it. I’ll never let go of this! It was such a big help for me at my lowest points, it gave me some freedom when I felt trapped inside my own head, limited by fear. And maybe that sounds dumb, but honestly- Crippling anxiety can feel like living behind bars. It can stop you from going out the door. I lived in that prison for years. Would not wish that shit on anyone..

 

I know that anxiety is a VERY hard enemy to get rid off, and I know it can return, hit me in the face full force again, but damn I work very hard each day to feel a sense of freedom, to feel brave, to take back the life this thief of joy took from me, and I will admit that I was a slave to it at times and I let it take too much control over me- but I am fighting very hard to take back the power to live my life by my own design. «A king in my own mind», as In Flames put it in the song ‘The quiet place’.

 

Wish you a good day 🌹 I had a therapy session today, and other than that: No plans! I don’t really know what to do either, I think I’ll have a creative session and finish some songs/poems I’ve been playing with for a while now.

 

Oh and I need to listen to In Flames 😁

 

 

Woop, I finished my work-week (starting very gently with two days a week) and I’m so happy I got to return to this inclusive, supportive work-place with a really great team! I’m terribly nervous and insecure, but I’ve felt really welcomed and been handled with a lot of patience, and I’m so grateful.. ❤️

Ok so don’t come for me, but I decided to reward myself for being really brave and I got this coat I’ve drooled over for a while now.. It dropped from 699 NOK to 399- at H&M.com and sold out SO fast- but I kept checking and finally it was back in my size- SO I clicked ‘buy’. Do I have enough coats? Yeah. Do I live in a cold climate where you get good use of these coats? Also yes.. Am I good at justifying shit..? Heck yeah! 😅

 

 

 

One thing tho’: There are no pockets! I decided I was ok with that, but it is REALLY annoying, I keep searching for pockets on autopilot, like why the fuck not include that in the designing process?? It’s 2022, women NEED pockets!

 

 

This beanie is SO cool, and made with love ❤️ My mama is SO attentive whenever I say I want something but can’t find it in stores, I told her years ago that I wanted a really shock pink beanie, and she just knitted one for me in 1-2-3. I didn’t ask her, she just did it- that is SO sweet!! So naturally this one is a wardrobe-favorite 🥰 I love how it’s reminiscent of a rastafarian hat in terms of the shape.

 

 

Up close of this bag that I’ve had for -20- years and is still going strong.. It’s this shiny snake-printed material with gold deets and it looks really exclusive in my humble opinion- but it is actually a REALLY cheap bag from one of the Scandinavian budget-friendly stores (Lindex, I have found a lot of good bags from them!).

I know there is an important discussion going on regarding fast fashion and the cheap chain-stores has been getting a lot of heat (and rightfully so) but I do have to say it: Low prices does not always equal low quality, and the biggest responsibility (and with that the power to make changes!) in my opinion sits with us as consumers. We owe it to the planet to keep our things for as long as possible.

 

Do I feel bad at times for my love of style? Yes. Do I own more clothes than I need? YES. But do my stuff get used and loved? Absolutely. If something needs to be repaired, I take care of it- I do not throw it away and replace it with something new. But can I do better, as a responsible consumer..? Of course. That is one of the reasons I wanted to experiment with this ‘personal style’- category on my blog, to really reflect over my own shopping habits, have full control over what I already own, keep track over how I buy, that it is a mix of just not new but also vintage/secondhand/hand-me-downs-items.. To be more aware and explore what style really means to me, if I can justify having this as a hobby, etc.. Just my own little project.

 

It is NOT to flaunt or flex, I want to be completely transparent on the fact that I’ve never had a big budget, that I had to save up for some things, buy them used, and that my main thing is that I am just very sure of what I like and that is the main catalyst for my style. I like styling because it is FUN, and it is fun because there are no rules- at least not in my head 😁 I want to promote individuality, I think a fashion industry that is not so ruled by this concept of always coming up with and copying new trends every hot minute but rather focused (and that goes from all parts of the chain- low to high end) on making pieces you can love a life-time and then it gets passed on- well, that would be quite the dream. That is my ideal, at least.

 

Anyway, speaking of long-lasting quality pieces that was DIRT cheap: This ring from China, I paid not even a full dollar for it.. I’ve had it for over ten years, and the quality and craftmabship is SO good- I was blown away. I personally think this is so prettier than the clunky leopard-ring from Cartier (sorry! No offense) and obviously this is not real gold or gemstones, but expensive jewellery has never really been my thing (and obviously I’ve never had the budget for it either). I have a collection of these animal-rings, and all of them are even after a decade still immaculate.

 

 

Now I’m gonna force my lazy ass to do a 10-minute work-out.. I HAVE to do something in order to get in better shape, but it is SO hard and I’ve just decided to start super slow and a little IS better than nothing at all, right? 😅

 

 

 

Some days just getting out of bed feels like mission impossible, but I managed to do it- altough very grumpy (I’m grateful I live alone on days like that.. 😅) I am not a morning-person, I want to be but I’m not quite there yet! My first thoughts when I wake up are usually really negative, and I’m trying to change my mindset and tell myself that it’s in my hands and power to create a good day.

 

And today was, I went swimming with my sister and oldest nephew. So no makeup and sweats it is. I would not enjoy makeup and style if it felt like something I’d have to commit to every day, I don’t know about you but I need those «IDGAF»-days 😅

 

 

For years I did not go NEAR anything that would involve a bathing suit, and it’s still not easy-breezy for me.. But I do it! I’ve mentioned before my struggle with eating disorders and body image, I used to be so sick in the head that when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t even see myself as human- I was convinced that I was a monster- a freak- and at times I couldn’t walk outside in broad daylight. I couldn’t handle being seen, because I felt so ugly and repulsive. It was horrible. I don’t really know how it started, I think just as a kid whenever someone treated me bad I would just jump to the conclusion that «Oh, it’s because I’m ugly» and I have no idea how that came to be- it just became the truth. As a child, I think you always try to make sense of things and figure shit out, and if you can’t the way you view yourself and others can get really skewed.. That’s what happened to me, anyway.

 

The thing I still struggle with are the parts of me that just are not «as they should be», and by that I mean.. Not perfect, I guess. My boobs, who’s been through a hellride in terms of gaining/losing/gaining/losing weight, full of stretchmarks, just the most «Not porn-aestethic»- tits you can imagine, if you catch my drift. And then there is a whole other list, but I’m not gonna go down that rabbit-hole. I try to tell myself that it is ok to not love all parts of my body, that it is ok to have flaws, that I’m still working on just being able to accept myself for the whole imperfect package I come in. And that it’s alright that it takes time, that it is an ongoing-battle..

 

I won today, because it didn’t get in the way of me enjoying time with my family, and plus.. Being in water feels really great. Someone told me once «How it feels is so much more important than how it looks». That’s so true ❤️

Ok, so today is the big «out of the comfort-zone and back to business»-day and I am really nervous but also really excited! I was really lucky to get this job, in the midst of Covid and everything, and I was REALLY lucky that I was wanted back after a looong recovery process from my latest manic episode.

 

Not only am I bipolar, but I’ve also struggled with really severe anxiety and I have let it take far more control over my life than I am proud to admit- but it’s the brutal honest truth. There’s been so much that I just couldn’t do because the anxiety attacks were too much for me to handle, it’s really hard when you feel like you are going to die if you don’t escape the situation- and then the only rational thing to do is to escape (fight or flight- and I’ve done my share of the flight!) and I’ve tried for years to find ways to deal with it but the past 6 months I’ve really made a huge break-through, and for that I’m so damn proud of myself! I’ll write more in debth about it later. Point is, yeah going back to this job and having to perform, is a huge trigger for my anxiety and it’s also a challenge for me to do something I don’t feel like I’m very talented or experienced in doing (I tend to avoid being a «newbie» or a rookie in things, because if progress doesn’t come immediatly then that becomes further proof to me that I am in fact completely useless and dumb as a brick, and that feeling is SO painful when you lack self esteem) but my main focus is going to be dealing with this the best I can, and I’m gonna work HARD on my own mentality and be really supportive, understanding and patient with myself! I try to think about how I talk to my nephew when he tries new things, how I encourage my 3 year old precious darling is how I want to encourage and support myself, because that is what the insecure and overwhelmed little girl I carry inside of me needs to hear! There is a part of me that hasn’t been nurtured the way I needed, and as an adult it is in my power to do this. I know I can!

 

 

I can’t go into this expecting to be perfect, I will be clumsy, make stupid mistakes and ask a million dumb questions- And that’s okay! What I can control is being eager to learn, do the best I can, and be a positive, polite, reliable and humble co-worker and employee.

 

I use an uniform at work, so I felt like how I dressed was not that important- something that’s easy to change out of so then a cardigan is perfect. This one is really special to me, it used to be my dad’s and I wear it whenever I need some extra courage- it’s my ’comfort blanket’. Pants are River Island.

 

 

Can we talk about these shoes..? I found them secondhand years ago, they are originally Zara and suede with sparkling studs at the back- so pretty! And the heels are not too high 😅

 

 

Aaand still obsessed with this 20 year old bag, hah- but that is kinda always my goal when I buy something- that I want it to last and still fit my taste even after decades passed.. I try to think long-term when I make a purchase, and only get things I really love- that way I don’t get sick of it after just a few wears. One of my pro-tips for shopping is asking myself «Ok, so I like this now- but can I see myself rocking this as a 40/50/60/100 year old?» 😅 It might sound weird if you are easily swept away by trends, but.. I like this way of thinking and I’m sticking to it 🤷‍♀️

 

I’m meeting my fav human after work, so I know that no matter the outcome- today will be a good day. Wish you one as well 🌹

If I had to sum up this (and to be honest, most) weekend in one word it would be.. Foodbaby! Man, I’ve said it before: This girl likes to eat!

 

I’m the type that will eat dinner at home, and then if someone suddenly invites me over for dinner I’m like.. «Ok, lemme just change into some bigger pants!»

 

That’s what happened yesterday.. I had to send the last picture to my friends, because.. Haha 😂

 

 

 

 

 

It’s quite a victory for me though, being able to enjoy food fully and having a more relaxed relationship to both food and my own body. I used to have serious eating-disorders, but I’ve come a long way. The most important part for me has been accepting that I can’t always eat 100% as «I should» and still avoid relapsing. I sometimes eat «too much» or «bad food» (by that I mean food that used to be forbidden or that I had to resort to bulimia in order to enjoy). I can enjoy eating junk food without feeling guilty or dirty, and I can eat whatever I want without that terrible urge that «Now I have messed up, I have to keep stuffing myself until I purge myself by throwing up». I feel like I finally have a healthy relationship with eating, and for me the biggest clue was being able to allow myself anything I want, and not having to be extremely rigid about what I eat. I think in a way my bipolar disorder has helped me a little there, because when I get hospitalized and heavily medicated I can gain a lot of weight really fast- but I just had to learn to accept it, that sometimes my body changes and it’s out of my control- and also, body fat does not scare me anymore- I was 90 kilos at the most and to my surprise that was the first time I was able to stop scrutinizing my own body and instead focus on what I liked about it- and I really loved having some serious curves! (And I’m kinda bummed I’ve lost them again, but baah..) In 2022 I wanna be more physically active, but damn- I will also EAT 😁 Life is too short, to not enjoy good food!