Whoaa, today I’ve been inside an actual gym for the first time in.. 4 years, minimum! If there is a place that has made me feel both uncomfortable and anxious, the gym was definitely it.. But today it went okay, and that made me realise that I have really made huge fucking progress and that makes me so happy 😁 ‘Cuz man, I’ve felt so stuck for years and all my efforts just felt like banging my head into this great unbreakable wall.. But finally, the cracks are beginning to show, and I won’t stop now- if it takes the rest of my life, that wall is going down.
Today’s outfit.. Full on grandma-style, or so I’ve been told 😅
Teardrop-necklace from Swarowski, found it used on Ebay for like 10 $ years ago.
Felt like going full on dragqueen on my face.. And did fake freckles, because I’m craving spriiiing and sun.. 😎
Now I’m hanging with my boys, and my oldest nephew asked me «Suja, did you paint your eyes blue?» and I said ‘yep’ and he goes «Goofy Suja!» 😂 I get that a lot from him 🤡 Makes my smile go round every time 😁
Listen, you think that as a woman all I want in life is for men to look at me and say I’m beautiful. For them to look at me and say that I’m fuckable. Well, to hell with that. I want men to look at me and think «If I disrespect her, she will light me on fire and then spread her wings and fly far away from the ashes». I am not angel-material. I am wild and free and not afraid to spit fire. Maybe dragons are a product of imagination, a beautiful and terrifying product of fantasy- but I still, somehow- have dragon blood in my veins, instead of angel wings on my back. And I’m not gonna change that, not for anyone, not for anything.
Finished my dragon-warrior.
Aaand felt super-ambitious and tried to draw a dragon on my face, but failed miserably 😅 I WANT A FACE-TATT SO BAD! But I’m not gonna attempt to do it myself, that’s for sure..
Not gonna lie, I’ve been in the same sweats for days. Today however, I woke up and remembered I have new earrings, and that sorta made me feel like.. Well, not dressing up but at least not repeat the outfit that has almost become my second skin by now 😅
This t-shirt was purchased during my last manic episode, for some reason I got a hang-up on Disney and I think I had this idea that «I’m friggin’ real life Tinkerbell!». You know, never really growing up, I’ve gotten that thrown in my face a couple of times.. 🙄 Like there is just one correct way to be an adult.. Whatever ✋ People can look and judge from the outside all they want if that gives them pleasure, I know the shit I’ve had to deal with from a very young age, I know the storms I’ve weathered and the battles I’ve fought, in the end that is all that matters. And honestly, if you had a bumpy childhood like me, and had to deal with issues that you might not should’ve: There’s NOTHING wrong with taking the time to «grow up». Taking the time to heal your childhood wounds, taking the time to enjoy not having a massive responsibility, taking the time to figure out who you are and who you want to become and who you certainly do NOT want to be. Fuck what other people have to say about your life, the only one who actually lives it is you.
Beanie & jacket H&M, bag is Alexander Wang, shoes by Koi footwear. Jeans are inherited from my fellow shopaholic aunt 😊❤️
It strikes me now that I’m not that good with color coordinating 😅 I never really put that much thought into the outfit as a whole, I just pick the pieces that I feel like wearing that day and that is the main factor, and then it doesn’t really matter to me how it turns out. Maybe I should start putting a little more brain into it, it’s really cool when people does 😁
And my new bling.. They are SO pretty in real life.
NOT new bling, but still pretty. I found this starburst-ring at Gina Tricot, it’s close to 20 years ago no lie.. Who said cheap stuff can’t endure the test of time? Sure can!
I don’t really have any plans for the rest of the day, should go for a walk but weather is shit.. I can handle the cold, I can handle the rain, but I’m not a fan of both at once.. Can we just transit into spring already..?
Finishing off with this quote I found on Pinterest:
Ok so my little project of ‘No spend february’ has officially gone to hell.. But hear me out (who am I kidding, I feel the need to justify myself to myself here 😅) things have been really difficult when it comes to my work situation. I have made it difficult, because at some point I just started doubting and criticizing myself, and that had my anxiety going through the roof.. To be honest, it got so bad that for a while I wasn’t really sure if I could keep going. But quitting like this, when I’m really shit-scared and it is soo tempting to go back to the safe comfort zone of doing absolutely nothing- Hell no!
I used to do horse-back riding when I was a kid, and there is this saying that «If you fall off the horse, you get back up». I’ve been thinking a lot about this saying lately, I do NOT want to give up this job for the sole reason that it scares me. GET BACK UP! I’m proud of myself for doing this. Severe anxiety is no joke, but it’s stolen enough from me as it is, I don’t want to make any more sacrifices to this weak little devil in my mind.
I decided to stop by H&M to get those damn blingy earrings I’ve been talking about as a reward. I can’t and won’t reward myself for every little thing that I do, but this was kinda a make or break moment for me..
And of course this happened..
I’ve wanted a shock pink pair of pants for years, and I finally found them, 199 NOK. I don’t fit a lot of my pants anymore because of weightloss (still got hips and thighs like a hippo, but my ass is gone 🙄) so I can justify this buy.. I gotta hem them, obviously. But honestly, I’m happy to have another sewing-project, because it is fun.
I’ve wanted these earrings for months, they are SO pretty with the dangling ‘tear drops’.
I couldn’t resist these.. It doesn’t show that well, but they are snakes coiled around the pearls. I love jewellery that is inspired by nature and the animal-kingdom as you may know by now. And I just gotta give props to H&M’s creative team, because they really do make a lot of cool, unique stuff to a very affordable price. Both earrings were 99 NOK.
Everytime I do something like this (buy more than I planned) I always think to myself «Well, it could’ve been drugs..» I am well-connected on the dark side, let’s just put it like that.
I should be making dinner now, and my Casa is not on fleek, but honestly like the old lady I am.. I gotta take a nap 😅 Just a liiiiittle one, and then I’m gonna make a healthy dinner, shine my home, and do a little work-out, and then I’ll call myself Superwoman of the day 😁
Hope you had a great start of the week, and may the rest of it be great 🌹
I can’t be the only one that is starting to crave spring and summer..? I miss the sun, I miss swimming in the ocean, I miss walking around in sandals and shorts, instead of huge winter coats and boots..
I’ve been looking online for pieces that can add to my summer wardrobe. Believe it or not, my wardrobe is lacking in that department, probably because I always had a difficult relationship with my own body, and I always preferred to cover up rather than showing skin. But I have worked hard on myself, and for the first time ever I’m kinda looking forward to dressing for the warmer seasons.. At least I’m not dreading it 😅 Just hope that mindset will stick with me in the months to come!
H&M has some really interesting pieces for spring/summer, at least to my aestethic! Here are my favs (all images belong to H&M, and all items can be found on their site, though some has sold out already):
How cool is this shirt-dress? I love everything that can be tied at the waist! I think I’d go for the white version, but really love the plaid one too!
Ripped high-waisted denim shorts.. Also, what I’d give to have this model’s legs 😅
Cut-out blazer dress, what a cool concept 🥰 Blazers are IN, why not combine it in a dress..
Ah, this yellow chiffon cut-out dress is a summer-dream, no..? I just don’t know if I have the balls (boobs 😂) to rock this, it’s backless so no bra… It also comes in blue.
Set with shorts & bralette, I have a lot of transparent white dresses that are perfect for summer, but I never know what to put under.. This set would solve that problem.
2 pack of super-cute crop tops
Sandals in genuine leather, so cool with the square toe and ‘braided’ deets.
A red dress, because red + tan skin= gorgeous
I’ve not jumped on the ripped jeans bandwagon until now, but these did it for me with the wide legs and the high waist.
I love a ribbed knit! This is preppy/sexy with the collar, long sleeves and bare midriff..
This bikini-top that you probably need really nice boobs to wear (and I don’t have that 😅) but it’s really cool.
That’s my summer wish-list from H&M 😁 Maybe a bit premature, but ey- time flies!
I spent the day with my fav soon to be 4 years old guy in the world 🥰 Today we’ve been tiger and panther (we read the Junglebook, and we were not the good guys- we’ve been hunting for Mowgli to eat 😂). My nephew is just the coolest, so creative, and I think the most beautiful sound in the world is him, laughing with all his heart. God, how I love this kid!!
I mean, this smile could light up the Universe ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
I’m so grateful that I get to be auntie Suja ❤️
I hope there will be more kids in the clan (that’s not a hint, it’s a wish and a demand 😁)
Another thing that is fun to play with: Makeup! I bought a white eyeliner real cheap from MakeupMekka, it’s on sale now at 20 NOK at their site (it’s called Candy liner, Icing sugar) and I had to buy some extra (FUCK ME, there went no spend-february!) because white liner is a lot of fun, and I feel you can go extra crazy because it doesn’t show up as dramatic as dark colors would..
I’ve been thinking about my career-options, and I REALLY want to pursue something that involves an actual education, because I’ve always felt really dumb and it would mean so much to me to complete anything that leads to some kind of title.. Not because of the title itself, but it would mean I have worked hard to actually learn a craft. Makeup-artist would be so much fun, and I thiiiink it could be compatible with my bipolar-illness, at least more than a lot of other professions.
I always wanted to work in the health-sector, and I’ve pursued that in the past, but together with my therapist I’ve had to conclude that it might not be ideal considering what I’m dealing with when it comes to my own mental health. Yeah, it sucks but that’s just how it is for me right now. I have frequent and severe outburts of mania, I hope it is possible to work on it and stay stable for longer periods, but nothing is certain in life and maybe I can, maybe I can’t.
If I should embark on becoming a makeup-artist and actually go to school to learn the craft, I would have to move though. And that’s also risky, because I have a good support system here, I know the drill and I know where to go and who’s gonna be there if my brain boils over again, and (and this is maybe the biggest security I have besides my own brutal honesty) I have a family that sticks up for me and there is honest communication about my warning signs and they tell me up front if they start guessing where my mental state is at.
Plus, moving somewhere new=major stress factor. Going to school and have to perform= major stress factor. Major stress factors= Higher risk for manic episode. Baaaah, I try not to feel caged by my illness, but I do tend to feel it whenever I start to think about the future, about dreams and ambitions..
So yeah, I just have to chill about that stuff I guess, things are ok now and I have a job and there’s gotta be possibilities out there and not just locked doors at the mental hospital right..?
Focus on that. My life is getting better and better because of my hard work, dedication, and because I am doing my best at being brave.. I am doing the best I can with what I have, and that to me is success. I am kinder to myself, I am being creative and for the first time in a looong time I feel like I am starting to love my own mind again. I really hated that part of me for years after becoming bipolar, I hated the creative part of me because it made my psychosis so believable and I felt so stuck in those bizarre ways of thinking and the ideas and delusions I came up with.
Now I have my brain at it’s best, and I’ve missed that so much. I was scared that the best part of me had died. But I’m still here, and I am still.. ME. I want to hold on to that, hold on for life.. So that even if my mind fucks with me again, I can still go back to being me once it’s over with.
Right now, that is my biggest ambition in life. And that is good enough for me!
I’ve had these moments the last days where I’ve just felt.. Gratitude, I guess. I’m grateful that this is my life right now, that for the past six months there’s been steady progression, I’m grateful that I made it through Christmas without having a manic episode, I’m so fucking grateful for the freedom I have right now, that it’s something I’ve fought so hard for for so many years.. I’m grateful for all the difficult times, because they have truly made me appreciate a lot of things I’d probably take for granted if I didn’t know better.
I’m also grateful for not feeling that massive fear of becoming sick again (and this is not me saying that I want it to happen), I know that when mania strikes again- and eventually it will, I have to be prepared for that- I will handle it. It will be hard probably, but I no longer think that it will break me, I have faced it so many times now and I know that if I hit rock bottom I will eventually claw my way up again.
Speaking of freedom, I’ve been swimming two days in a row now. I’m not gonna start again with what a big step this is for me and the complicated relationship I’ve had with my body, because I’ve adressed that a lot in previous posts.. 😅 But it’s another thing that makes me feel really grateful!
Not an interesting (is it ever with this basic bitch 🙄) outfit today, just sweats. But a good classic coat and quality shoes, and a fancy hat kinda helps..?
I have this script in my head, and I kinda want to share the plot here because I think it’s pretty funny (and prob offensive as fuck if you’re religious so stop reading NOW in that case ‘Cuz you will NOT like this..) It’s obviously just a rough draft, but.. If I ever somehow stumble upon a pot of gold I will make this a movie for sure 😁
I kept seeing «movies» or just film-like scenes in my head when I was really psychotic, and I always thought some of them could be really interesting ideas for a full film/book/whatever.
One of them was this angel falls for devil-thing, like this really erotic and really forbidden fantasy thing.. So now I have kinda finished it as an entire story with a beginning and an end. Here’s the plot, in short: So god really does exist in this story, but he is anything but good. He has a team of plastic surgeons and picks his angels based on who will become the most beautiful after his team of surgeons have altered them to fit his impossible standard of «perfection». The angels are supposed to be «good» as in submissive and they exist only to pleasure this wicked god-figure. Most of the angels are fine with that, because they fall in love with their own reflection when they see that they are now physically «perfect» and they are filled with plastic here and there. They all pretty much accept that their only mission in life is to be admired for their looks and used for sex. They are willing to be objectified and exist only to please the male gaze, because this makes them feel powerful- and they ignore the fact that they are being used, and because they are in love with what they see in the mirror they become more and more devoid of anything that recembles a personality, and there is no urge to find a deeper meaning with life other than simply reaching what a man has decided to be the epitome of physical perfection. (Yeah, what’s happening right now with plastic surgery becoming more and more the norm in society, and more and more women strive to alter everything about their appearance being «perfect» is freaking me the hell out)
BUT then comes this new candidate, and she is immediatly told that she will undergo a complete «makeover» because as she is she is not anywhere near the «ideal», acne, small saggy boobs, not a big enough ass etc etc.. But she refuses to do this, and does pretty much everything in her power to resist and rebel against anything her «god» tells her to. She causes havoc any chance she gets, and eventually ‘god’ has no choice but to give up, because she is impossible to brainwash into being one of his ‘perfect props’, and he decides to send her to.. Hell, of course.
She meets the devil, she falls for him because initially they seem to share the same qualities: Individualism, same morals, the desire to oppress against a regime that is utterly corrupt.. (insert a lot of reeeeally hot sex-scenes here) and tries to convince him to go to war against ‘god’ and his plastic angel army but he fails her several times, and eventually she realises that even though there is so much chemistry and they have amazing sex, in the end he is not as brave as her and he is not willing to fight and bleed for change to the degree she is (yup, been there).. So she abandons him and venture on by her self, and she discovers that the dragons she has read about in the forbidden books really do exist but has been banned to the shadow world by ‘god’, and the devil has allowed this to happen, even though he is originally selected by nature herself as their protector.
She finds the dragons, talks them into fighting for freedom, and they become allies in the war of the universe, overthrowing both heaven and hell.
In the end, she decides to live with them, she realises that they are more similat to her than any other living thing- they are wild, they have courage, they are ment for freedom, and they are brave and loyal. She finds ultimate freedom, she remains independent, and she lives like a savage happily ever after.
Ok, so that was not really short 😂 But now it’s out of my head and down on virtual paper.. Oh, and I had to draw my angel who doesn’t want to be an angel but a dragon 🐉
I was going to draw a closeup of her face, and then one full figure of her outfit (because of course she’ll have a bad ass wardrobe) but I have to do boring adult things now and stop playing around (that’s what being creative in any way is to me- to PLAY and that’s why I love it) so if I get around to it I’ll do an update on this post. Aaand before I wrap this post up, I just have to add that the soundtrack would be heavily filled with tracks from Within Temptation’s album Resist (can’t believe no one has done that yet, because we are talking EPIC songs here..) Just listen to this
Ok, now I’m gonna go back to being a really boring adult and adulting 😅
You have a part of me
I can do without
I’d rather bleed than cry actual tears
Over these messed up affairs
You talked smack, I heard it, you bite, I spit back. What happened to your cojones, is this how you attack? You did me dirty, I gave it all I had. Put me on a pedestal, cut it down and watched me fall, now word is you hate me- Who even cares..?
You quit, I lost my wit.. I’m so sick of this skit, how we were closed knit then we split. Blink of an eye, still you can’t tell me why..
Who even cares..? Used to dream about you, now you haunt me in my nightmares. All these lies through your perfect teeth, not one of ‘em was true. So damn you, fuck off, and I hope I haunt your nightmares too.
[Remorse]
Said I hope you choke on your coke
Like your issues were some kind of joke
I know just how deep your wounds really go
But you cut me loose
That was such a blow
to my fragile ego
I’m sorry for wherever it was I fucked up
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough
You truly were one of a kind you know
And I don’t have a backup
Got under your bestfriend just to get over you
Can’t believe the messed up shit that I do
No wonder you doubt it was true
When I said I’d really fight for you
When it came to it I just broke down
Deleted your number from my phone
Man, you should know it really hurt to the bone
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone
I’m sorry for whatever I said that got us fucked up
I really try, but it’s never enough
You were one of a kind, you know
And I don’t have a backup
I hope you stay sane and safe
I hope you get clean
I’m sorry for what went down in the aftermath
Probably doesn’t matter to you, but I never did it to be mean
You ment something special you know
I really did miss you the moment you left
I think I loved you more than I was able to show
Ain’t that many people that has truly mattered to me
