Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

(I’m ashamed to say this song pretty much sums up my summer of ‘23.. Hope everyone else can NOT relate to my shit-fest!)

 

He wants to know what I’m thinking

I don’t say a word

Well, truth is I am shipwrecked and I’m sinking

My head goes SOS, SOS

but I don’t wanna be saved, no..

Am I suicidal? Am I hopeless? Yes..

 

And I know, I’m such a bummer

It’s just another, another one for the books

Just another suicidal, suicidal summer

 

It’s so funny hah

I can’t curb my hysteria

I fear life itself

and still I can’t seem to kill myself

All I can say now is

All I can feel now is

I’m so so  sorry!

My head goes SOS, SOS

But I don’t wanna be saved, no

Am I suicidal? Yes

 

And I know, I’m such a bummer

It’s just another, another one for the books

Just another suicidal, suicidal summer

 

Yeah, I know

You left me long ago

You cut the strings, torn off like a butterfly’s wings

and to be honest, I don’t care anymore

We are separated by so much more than just locked doors

You live on in a world I left

What can I say now

All I can feel is

I’m so so sorry..

 

So here’s to you

Keep on living, won’t you

Don’t feel bad, I know I hurt too much to hold on to

I am sorry for all the things that madness and sadness made me do

and most of all for how all of this separated me from you

 

These are the words I can’t say to your face

You don’t want to know what I’m thinking

All you need to know is, I was shipwrecked and sinking

I’ll reach the bottom soon, I’m running outta air

Just promise me I’ll never find you there

I’m so grateful you cut all ties

now that I’m the one who dies

I don’t know exactly when it was

that I could no longer look into your eyes

and I don’t want to see you sad

Now that I am the one who dies

 

I’m so so sorry!

I’m sorry..

My head goes SOS, SOS

But I don’t wanna be saved, no

Am I sucidal? But still alive? Why, fuck- Yes.

 

And I know, I’m such a bummer

It’s just another, another one for the books

Just another suicidal, suicidal summer

 

Yeah, I know- I’m such a bummer

This is is just another one, another one of those..

Doesn’t feel like I have much choice..

It’s just another suicidal, suicidal, suicidal

Suicidal summer

Suicidal summer..

 

 

.

 

 

 

One, two, three, four

Mama said «pick yourself up from the floor»

Five, six, seven, eight

Mama said «Get up and fight»

I told my mama «It has always been too late»

Now I can’t seem to sleep at night

 

Can you hear the doors to my future

Closing like «clank-clank-clank»

This ride was hella expensive

I’m crying all the way to the bank

 

One, two, three, four

I told my mama «I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore»

Five, six, seven, eight

Mama said «embrace your fate»

But mama, it seems like

it was always too late

 

Can you hear all the good men

Saying «Nah, too many red flags»

and all the good women shouting

»Red flags?? More like body bags!»

 

So it goes

One, two, three, four

Mama said «pick yourself up from the floor»

Five, six, seven, eight

I told you mama

It was always too late

It was always too late

Mama said «Embrace your fate»

I look in the mirror and see someone I hate

 

 

Uh-oh, here she goes again

Thinking madness is a trusted friend

How could you forget; you swore «never again»?!

Never let that crazy bastard reign

 

Control my crazy, I can’t control my crazy

Screaming at the top of my lungs, please somebody save me!

Once I go there, there’s no turning back

A roller coaster, a fucking hurricane inside my brain and I just can’t keep track

These violent turns, they paint my future in black

And trust in myself, now that’s something I lack

 

Uh-oh here she comes, out of it again

Here’s depression, ready with its chain

How could you forget; you swore «never again»

Never let the lunatic and darkness reign

 

Control my crazy, I can’t control my crazy

Screaming at the top of my lungs, please somebody save me!

Once I go there, there’s no turning back

A roller coaster, a fucking hurricane inside my brain and I just can’t keep track

These violent turns, they paint my future in black

And trust in myself, now that’s something I lack

 

Control, control, control my crazy

There’s not a single soul in the world that can save me

Control, control, control my crazy

I’m the only one, but I’m not enough to save me

 

Control my crazy, I can’t control my crazy

Uh-oh,  here they come now- all the demons inside me

Control, control, control my crazy

Bitter truth is, nobody can save me

Nobody can save me from my crazy!

 

 

It was 2014 when I fell down the rabbit hole for the first time

I saw a face I should have never seen, because it made me cross the line

Once you break that final barrier and your mind can no longer keep track

You find yourself in Hell, and there is no way to go back

 

Oh, babygirl if you fall in love with a stranger

then it’s 99% made up in your head

My haunted head

Can’t you see the danger

Of clinging on to an illusion until you’re dead

Life goes by so fast you know, you know

 

I’m running, thinking, spinning in circles

Creating a noose around my neck

Screaming in my head «I’m just trying to save myself!»

But all it really does for me is leaving me a wreck

 

Oh babygirl, babygirl

Why can’t you see the danger

You fool yourself

’Cuz if you fall in love with a stranger

It’s 99% all made up in your head

and are you really hellbent on

clinging to this illusion until you’re dead..?

Life goes by too fast, you know, you know!

 

I wrote «I’m no slave to love», and I guess it’s true because this can not be love

I’m just hooked by the fantasy

It used to be a lifeline

Now it only adds to my misery

 

And I sing to myself: Ooh..

Babygirl, babygirl..

Why can’t you see the danger

You fool yourself

’Cuz if you fall in love with a stranger

It’s 99% all made up in your head

and are you really hellbent on

clinging to this illusion until you’re dead..?

Life goes by too fast, you know, you know!

Life goes by too fast!

You have to let it go..

You know, you know, you know

 

Don’t know what day it is, don’t know the date

Don’t know where they hide out, the people that I hate

That I hate!

All I know is, you’re on my mind, on my mind

and happiness without you is very hard to find

Very hard to find!

Can we go back to the days where it was ‘an eye for an eye’, ‘Cuz the whole world has gone blind

It has gone blind!

 

I was a child once, and you were there

Left my body, abused, said «I’m outta here!»

You told me to go back, to breathe again

I still can’t figure out

If it was as a foe or a friend

I still can’t figure it out!

 

But when you smile that grin, has my heart through the roof

I guess you are my sin, and I’m still unafraid of love because you are my proof

You said I was never in a position to fail you, does that mean I never betrayed you

’Cuz that makes my world go round and it lifts the weights off my chest

and with those words in mind, my mind can finally rest

Because maybe that means I passed the test

 

Don’t know what day it is, don’t know the date

To be honest, I’m not doing that great

That great!

All I know is, you’re on my mind, on my mind

And purpose without you is hard to find

Very hard to find!

Can we go back to the days where it was ‘an eye for an eye’ Cuz the whole world has gone blind

It has gone blind!

 

I was your patient once, you said «Who can you trust»

I don’t know about trust, but I sure felt lust

You let me return to normal life again

I still can’t figure out

If you were a foe or a friend

I still can’t figure it out!

 

But when you smile that grin, has my heart through the roof

I guess you are my sin, and I’m still unafraid of love because you are my proof

You said I was never in a position to fail you, does that mean I never betrayed you

’Cuz that makes my world go round and it lifts the weights off my chest

and with those words in mind, my mind can finally rest

Because maybe that means I passed the test

Maybe that means I passed the test

 

I still can’t figure it out!

 

 

Madness looked me dead in the eye, and asked «What do you wish for the most?» and I answered «The truth» and madness said «Well, you can have it if you stay here».

 

I was lied to, and I should have known, because I’ve been lied to too many times for me to even keep a score.

 

You lied, they lied, hell even I lie to myself from time to time, so what’s there to even be mad about.

 

I press on my mind to feed me answers, but there is an imagination in there, fuelled by desire and longing, and man does that fuck me up if I keep the machinery going.

 

And when I’m crazy that’s all I do.

 

And it feels good because I can believe anything, and believe anything I do. I see back and forth, and I see many things that never was, never will be. But in my mind it is, and it’s a beautiful and terrible web of lies I made, in order to.. Survive, I guess.

 

But it is not REAL. And after years of living like a spider (or maybe I’m more of the fly, the prey) there’s one thing I’ve realised and that is that I want what is real. No matter how dark this ‘real’ may be- that’s what I want. That’s all I want.

 

I wobble around in madness looking for something that just is not ment for me. The glorious ‘truth’ will not unfold no matter how long I stay there, within the walls of madness..

 

It’s a lost cause.

 

I wanted the truth so I could have some form of justice, but now I have to face the fact that Life. Is. Unfair.

 

So I take my broken mind and I look madness dead in the eye right back and I swear to it «I am more than merely just you» and I go back to living in the real world.

 

Please let me stay here as long as possible. That’s all I want.

 

 

My heart is sinking in waters deep

I’m not gonna rescue it this time

So if you find it it’s yours to keep

 

I give up on Utopia, Paradise, heaven

I give up on all my fantasies and wildest dreams

At least I am not being forced back to 1987

 

I came to this world unarmed

What a big mistake

You make me go crazy

But I refuse to let anyone make me go fake

 

So this is the reality you all agreed on

man, you sold me cheap

and maybe I’m just that psycho bitch

But I will not weep

and I’m not crawling down that hole again

 

So if you feel like murder, you know where I’ll be

I give up on you, I can’t give up on me

I paid too much, I deserve to live free

I deserve to live free!

 

And my heart is sinking in waters deep

I’m not gonna rescue it this time

So if you stumble upon it it’s yours to keep

It’s yours to keep

 

 

 

It’s such a lonely, lonely life

Imagine in a previous life I was your wife

Guess I’m still too crazy, huh

Funny how it’s always been for you

 

God, shut off my mind!

I keep reaching for you, but you’re never there

If there is a god, he doesn’t hang around here

 

Smoke until my lungs go black

Missing you ‘till I get a heart attack

Fuck me, for walking down this path

I can’t go back

I can’t go back!

 

Forward, you bloody idiot

Forward, like a fucking robot

Forward, forward, forward

I just want to make you hard

I just want to make you hard..

 

It’s such a lonely, lonely life

Can I go back to just being your wife

Guess I’m still too crazy, huh

Funny how it’s always been for you

 

Remember that time I went to war against my hood

Guess I had some things misunderstood

I can live in peace now I guess

It’s the memories of you that leaves me a broken mess

 

God, shut off my mind!

This burning desire makes me deaf and blind

I keep reaching for you, but you’re never there

and if there is a god, he doesn’t hang around here

He sure does not hang around here

 

Fuck me, for walking down this path

All I know is, I can’t go back

I can’t go back!

 

 

Breathe little child

Just keep breathing

 

There’s a dagger in my heart I can’t seem to pull out

There’s a thunderstorm in my head, revenge is what it’s about

’Cause I was stolen once from my tribe

A dying child in a cradle

All you need to know is

I survived

 

So here I am

Here I am

Come and take this cursed life from my cold hands!

Here I am

Here I am!

 

I hope you see me now

With this bloody chest, this pierced heart that scares you shitless

Guess what, the child you stole is all grown now

And from here on out it’s all going down

It will all go down for you

Man-made plans, they fail

But I am no man

and my plans, they can’t fail

’Cuz I know how to freestyle

Yeah I know how to freestyle

 

So here I am

Here I am!

Come and take this cursed life from my cold hands

Come!

 

Breathe, my child

Just breathe

I promise they’ll die before you do

 

 

Don’t push me any further

I was never a puppet in a string

and if you should need my mercy now

I’m not taking you under my wing

 

From now you stand and fall alone!

From now on I’m nobody’s hero

If you call, I’m staying home!

 

Oh, I’m done with being cursed

Hunted, preyed on, playing life like a game

If you live or die now

To me it’s all the same

But I hope you die, and I hope you die slow

I have no use for all that you know

You failed me for the last time!

Yeah, you failed me for the last time

 

I’ll stay sane and cold for this next round

I’ll stay sane and cold!

Let’s see how you’ll like it

Growing weak and old

and I’ll outlive you and laugh at your grave

You may have the means to keep me a prisoner

But I was never a slave

I was never a slave!

 

I’ll show you what true strength looks like

You hit me in the heart, but I just reload

You’ll never see me crawl

I just operate in beast mode

I just operate in beast mode!