Some days just getting out of bed feels like mission impossible, but I managed to do it- altough very grumpy (I’m grateful I live alone on days like that.. 😅) I am not a morning-person, I want to be but I’m not quite there yet! My first thoughts when I wake up are usually really negative, and I’m trying to change my mindset and tell myself that it’s in my hands and power to create a good day.

 

And today was, I went swimming with my sister and oldest nephew. So no makeup and sweats it is. I would not enjoy makeup and style if it felt like something I’d have to commit to every day, I don’t know about you but I need those «IDGAF»-days 😅

 

 

For years I did not go NEAR anything that would involve a bathing suit, and it’s still not easy-breezy for me.. But I do it! I’ve mentioned before my struggle with eating disorders and body image, I used to be so sick in the head that when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t even see myself as human- I was convinced that I was a monster- a freak- and at times I couldn’t walk outside in broad daylight. I couldn’t handle being seen, because I felt so ugly and repulsive. It was horrible. I don’t really know how it started, I think just as a kid whenever someone treated me bad I would just jump to the conclusion that «Oh, it’s because I’m ugly» and I have no idea how that came to be- it just became the truth. As a child, I think you always try to make sense of things and figure shit out, and if you can’t the way you view yourself and others can get really skewed.. That’s what happened to me, anyway.

 

The thing I still struggle with are the parts of me that just are not «as they should be», and by that I mean.. Not perfect, I guess. My boobs, who’s been through a hellride in terms of gaining/losing/gaining/losing weight, full of stretchmarks, just the most «Not porn-aestethic»- tits you can imagine, if you catch my drift. And then there is a whole other list, but I’m not gonna go down that rabbit-hole. I try to tell myself that it is ok to not love all parts of my body, that it is ok to have flaws, that I’m still working on just being able to accept myself for the whole imperfect package I come in. And that it’s alright that it takes time, that it is an ongoing-battle..

 

I won today, because it didn’t get in the way of me enjoying time with my family, and plus.. Being in water feels really great. Someone told me once «How it feels is so much more important than how it looks». That’s so true ❤️