I wasn’t supposed to write this at all, but sometimes when I feel something I just run with it and that’s freestyling for ya I guess. I try really hard to get to a better place in life, I try to make some right moves, but there are times when my armour crack and the pain and the guilt and my insecurities gets me in a chokehold. I guess tonight is one of those times. And all I can do is sing these words to myself.. Because I can’t say them to the one that would have understood.

Shopping

Knalltilbud på sport og friluft

I could do without this haunted head

I would give anything

to wake you up from the dead

Or trade places with you

So it would have been me instead

Forgive me, for the strength I lack!

Oh and forgive me

For those last words I can never take back

I can never take back..

I tell myself «You’re running outta time»

But if I push too hard, I lose my mind

I lose my damn mind

I feel trapped inside this haunted head

And I can’t help it, at times I feel

I feel so drawn towards the dead

And sometimes all I really need

Is to be buried next to you

I’m sorry, I’m sorry that this being alive-thing

Is so hard for me to do

and it got ten times harder

the day we buried you

Forgive me for the skills I lack

And for each and every mistake

So many now, I’m losing track

I’m losing track..

I wish you were around, I miss the one that understands the way I’m wired and how intense I feel

I miss the one that saw me fully, the one that made me feel like I was real

I’m just a shadow now, unless mania turns me into a burden that no one can carry

This raging lunatic, this crazy demon

That they lock up, but dad, it doesn’t help

and I don’t know how I can be saved

I don’t think I can be saved

But I’m all I have left now, so I have to try

Even if I don’t know why

I hold on to all the broken pieces of me, but they cut me to the bone

And ever since you died, no place have felt like home

No place feels like home..

Forgive me, for walking in circles

For all my 180’s that turned into 360’s

I lost the map

I lost you

I lost myself, and I can’t seem to take me back

I can’t take me back..

I survived, hoping one day I could live

But living feels more and more like dying

And I don’t know how much longer I can keep on trying

Tears are a luxury I can no longer afford

Somehow I still feel like crying

Wait for me

Wait for me!

I need somewhere

to bury my bones

and hide my face

and all the broken pieces of me

I can’t force back into place

I can’t force them back into place..

There’s only me to save me now

But dad, after all these years

I still haven’t figured out HOW