I watch you smile in photographs
But I remember how you cried the last time I saw you
If only I’d known..
I can’t rewrite the past
You said you loved me
I didn’t say I love you too
There’s some lines you just don’t cross
And like the fool I am, I did, I still do
🌑
I can’t forgive myself
All these years spent in vain
Couldn’t kill myself then
I guess you just have to live with the pain
And I guess I can’t handle it, cuz now and then it drives me insane
🌑
I’m such a fool
All these lies I told myself in the mirror
Just so I could tolerate myself
But the hate and the guilt and the misery
Will always crush the best of me
If there even is such a thing left in me..
I want to be so much more than this
But it seems this messed up wreck is all that I can be
This walking disaster, this ignorant vain pain in the ass
If there is such a thing as being reborn
I think it’s best for everyone that I pass
🌑
I can’t forgive myself
More satan than saint
Purge me, I can’t stand these stains on my soul
Every day I want to change
Every night I have to admit that I ain’t
🌑
The years pass by so fast
The days are so dreadfully slow
There’s so much I should have learned by now
I’m so ashamed of how little I know
There’s so much dirt in the past I still remember
I’m ashamed that I can’t let it go
🌑
I buried you, but I didn’t really go on with my life in years
It didn’t change a thing, it was punishment
and I guess I paid with my tears
I can’t undo the past..
I can’t undo my mistakes
Or learn from them
And still I can’t live fully
I just don’t have what it takes
🌑
What a shame, that you died and I didn’t
It only felt like it
Still I don’t know
34 and I have no clue
What the hell I am supposed to do
With a life I’ll always feel like I stole
From someone far more worthy
I loved you so deeply
But the last time I saw you, I did you dirty
🌑
I can’t forgive myself
It still haunts my dreams
How it all collapsed between my hands
When depression hit the extremes
I just didn’t know
How to let it go
I still can’t forget
There is so much that I regret
But not opening that door, not seeing your face one last time
Shit, to this day that remains my biggest crime
I punished myself in every way I could think of, but there’s lines you just don’t cross and once you do, nothing can make it fine
And now at least you’re safe in death..
At least this pain is only mine
🌑
And I have screamed against the universe
And I have raged against each and every god
Tell me why, tell me why?!
Why am I still alive
When the best man I’ve known had to die
It will never make sense to me
I can’t live up to his legacy
I can’t be who he wanted me to be
🌑
I just wish I could tell you
I loved you more than words can say
And even after all these years
I think it’s safe to say it now:
It never goes away
If I could give my life to you
Oh, the time I’ve wasted
The mistakes I’ve done, that I still do
The words and actions I can never undo
If I only knew..
And I should have, ‘cuz we never know and that’s really all we know
When it’s the last time for anything
I’m so sorry
Sleep forever safe in your nemeton
and I’ll never forget who or where I came from
Your life was not in vain, although it was cut short
I’ll remember the day I’ll need it but for now
my heart is buried with you in the North
❤️
