I watch you smile in photographs

But I remember how you cried the last time I saw you

If only I’d known..

I can’t rewrite the past

You said you loved me

I didn’t say I love you too

There’s some lines you just don’t cross

And like the fool I am, I did, I still do

🌑

I can’t forgive myself

All these years spent in vain

Couldn’t kill myself then

I guess you just have to live with the pain

And I guess I can’t handle it, cuz now and then it drives me insane

🌑

I’m such a fool

All these lies I told myself in the mirror

Just so I could tolerate myself

But the hate and the guilt and the misery

Will always crush the best of me

If there even is such a thing left in me..

I want to be so much more than this

But it seems this messed up wreck is all that I can be

This walking disaster, this ignorant vain pain in the ass

If there is such a thing as being reborn

I think it’s best for everyone that I pass

🌑

I can’t forgive myself

More satan than saint

Purge me, I can’t stand these stains on my soul

Every day I want to change

Every night I have to admit that I ain’t

🌑

The years pass by so fast

The days are so dreadfully slow

There’s so much I should have learned by now

I’m so ashamed of how little I know

There’s so much dirt in the past I still remember

I’m ashamed that I can’t let it go

🌑

I buried you, but I didn’t really go on with my life in years

It didn’t change a thing, it was punishment

and I guess I paid with my tears

I can’t undo the past..

I can’t undo my mistakes

Or learn from them

And still I can’t live fully

I just don’t have what it takes

🌑

What a shame, that you died and I didn’t

It only felt like it

Still I don’t know

34 and I have no clue

What the hell I am supposed to do

With a life I’ll always feel like I stole

From someone far more worthy

I loved you so deeply

But the last time I saw you, I did you dirty

🌑

I can’t forgive myself

It still haunts my dreams

How it all collapsed between my hands

When depression hit the extremes

I just didn’t know

How to let it go

I still can’t forget

There is so much that I regret

But not opening that door, not seeing your face one last time

Shit, to this day that remains my biggest crime

I punished myself in every way I could think of, but there’s lines you just don’t cross and once you do, nothing can make it fine

And now at least you’re safe in death..

At least this pain is only mine

🌑

And I have screamed against the universe

And I have raged against each and every god

Tell me why, tell me why?!

Why am I still alive

When the best man I’ve known had to die

It will never make sense to me

I can’t live up to his legacy

I can’t be who he wanted me to be

🌑

I just wish I could tell you

I loved you more than words can say

And even after all these years

I think it’s safe to say it now:

It never goes away

If I could give my life to you

Oh, the time I’ve wasted

The mistakes I’ve done, that I still do

The words and actions I can never undo

If I only knew..

 

And I should have, ‘cuz we never know and that’s really all we know

When it’s the last time for anything

I’m so sorry

Sleep forever safe in your nemeton

and I’ll never forget who or where I came from

Your life was not in vain, although it was cut short

I’ll remember the day I’ll need it but for now

my heart is buried with you in the North

 

❤️