I am at war with myself

There is a battlefield behind these eyes

and I can not win

What was it all for

All those years I could barely breathe

I promised myself that at some point in life

At some damn point

I would figure it all out

I would figure myself out

And yet here I am

A paradox, a mystery

And still I have this terrible feeling

That I have yet to see the worst of me

 

There never was a future in this dark, twisted mind

I can only stare into this black void

I figure it’s my grave

And sometimes I have to go to sleep just so I can pretend I’m in it

That I don’t ever have to wake up and be me again

This weak, tormented, shallow piece of shit of a human being

That always says the wrong thing

Always takes the wrong turn

Always ends up self-sabotaging

Hurts anyone who gets close enough

Does it matter that I never mean to?

I’m still leaving you with scars

 

I had to burn all the bridges

I had to let them go down in flames

I am a damn island now

Stranded here with my worst enemy

My fucking self

 

I try, but it’s never enough

And I hate myself, because now I’m too afraid

Told myself I could do this

But prove every day that I just can’t

 

The black void is expanding

I am getting smaller

No wonder no one can see me

I am just a shadow now

Just a shadow..

And the terrifying thing is

How comfortable I am with this

 

The grave staring at me

I long for it so bad

Just sink my fingers into the dirt

And let the earth consume me

For it to just be over

 

But I see this little girl sometimes

All she had to carry

All she had to endure

How brave she was

How strong she had to be

And I ask myself

How could I let her turn into me..?

 

Death will stay faithful

And I guess that’s why

I can give myself

a little more time