This t-shirt is pretty representative of how I’ve felt about myself today 😐

It is from Marc Jacobs, I found it seconhand!

I was at work today, and alright I’m a rookie and everything but BAH I’ve felt so slow, insecure and clumsy- even the simplest of tasks takes me forever and I’ve felt like all I’ve been doing is messing up and being annoying to the pro’s I work with, and that is SO hard when all you want is to handle shit and do a good job 😔

It just spiraled from there, on my way home I started thinking about how little I’ve achieved in life, how much ‘common-knowledge’ I’ve missed out on, how under-developed I feel on pretty much all areas in life. I haven’t gone there in a while, but today I did and man does it do me any good? No. But it’s a slippery slope, this mind of mine. I’m really good at hitting the bottom. Head first, no helmet.

Eventually I just had to do SOMETHING other than being inside my own damn head, so I went on a walk with a friend. It helped. Just walking in the cold air, focusing on a conversation that is not you trash-talking yourself.

I knew this would be a challenge. It would’ve been no matter what kind of job it was, cuz there is really nothing in this world I am particularly good at. But I am doing something that REALLY scares me and that I’ve never had much confidence in- and that does make me brave..? And that is above all what I long to be.. So.. Brush off that feeling that I am a walking disaster and completely hopeless. I am TRYING! I am operating SO far outta my comfort zone. That is where my focus needs to be.

I have a thing for pimping everything! Vintage brooches are perfect for that 🦋

Bag is also seconhand AND also Marc Jacobs  😁 It’s metal checkered with a padlock, you know I have a soft spot for cool details 🤓 Gloves are this season H&M, I love this style and finally got a pair.

If you zoom in on these pics you can see how tattered and worn-out this coat is getting 😅 It has been to war with me.. No joke! Those who knows, know..

I’m finishing off with these wise words. And I have to remind myself what ‘success’ is to me. That just the fact that I’m doing this, embarking into new and unknown territory, exposing myself, damn it: Just the fact that I get up and out the door in the morning, that I’m not planning my own funeral, I am not just merely alive but I’m living.. I mean, it IS me versus myself, and remember where I was mentally just 6 months ago.. I stood still for a while, but  I’ve taken babysteps, I’ve taken huge steps, and I HAVE and AM moving forward!

Phew. This being alive-thing has always been very complicated for me, but I guess that also keeps things interesting. I do wish sometimes that the things ‘everyone else’ seem to handle so effortlessly would be easy for me too, but.. If everything scares you, you get a lot of opportunities to be brave as well I guess. The clue is allowing yourself to feel it ❤️

Wish you a great week 🌹I am gonna work real hard on my mindset! 👊🏼