I spent the day with my fav soon to be 4 years old guy in the world 🥰 Today we’ve been tiger and panther (we read the Junglebook, and we were not the good guys- we’ve been hunting for Mowgli to eat 😂). My nephew is just the coolest, so creative, and I think the most beautiful sound in the world is him, laughing with all his heart. God, how I love this kid!!
I mean, this smile could light up the Universe ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
I’m so grateful that I get to be auntie Suja ❤️
I hope there will be more kids in the clan (that’s not a hint, it’s a wish and a demand 😁)
Another thing that is fun to play with: Makeup! I bought a white eyeliner real cheap from MakeupMekka, it’s on sale now at 20 NOK at their site (it’s called Candy liner, Icing sugar) and I had to buy some extra (FUCK ME, there went no spend-february!) because white liner is a lot of fun, and I feel you can go extra crazy because it doesn’t show up as dramatic as dark colors would..
I’ve been thinking about my career-options, and I REALLY want to pursue something that involves an actual education, because I’ve always felt really dumb and it would mean so much to me to complete anything that leads to some kind of title.. Not because of the title itself, but it would mean I have worked hard to actually learn a craft. Makeup-artist would be so much fun, and I thiiiink it could be compatible with my bipolar-illness, at least more than a lot of other professions.
I always wanted to work in the health-sector, and I’ve pursued that in the past, but together with my therapist I’ve had to conclude that it might not be ideal considering what I’m dealing with when it comes to my own mental health. Yeah, it sucks but that’s just how it is for me right now. I have frequent and severe outburts of mania, I hope it is possible to work on it and stay stable for longer periods, but nothing is certain in life and maybe I can, maybe I can’t.
If I should embark on becoming a makeup-artist and actually go to school to learn the craft, I would have to move though. And that’s also risky, because I have a good support system here, I know the drill and I know where to go and who’s gonna be there if my brain boils over again, and (and this is maybe the biggest security I have besides my own brutal honesty) I have a family that sticks up for me and there is honest communication about my warning signs and they tell me up front if they start guessing where my mental state is at.
Plus, moving somewhere new=major stress factor. Going to school and have to perform= major stress factor. Major stress factors= Higher risk for manic episode. Baaaah, I try not to feel caged by my illness, but I do tend to feel it whenever I start to think about the future, about dreams and ambitions..
So yeah, I just have to chill about that stuff I guess, things are ok now and I have a job and there’s gotta be possibilities out there and not just locked doors at the mental hospital right..?
Focus on that. My life is getting better and better because of my hard work, dedication, and because I am doing my best at being brave.. I am doing the best I can with what I have, and that to me is success. I am kinder to myself, I am being creative and for the first time in a looong time I feel like I am starting to love my own mind again. I really hated that part of me for years after becoming bipolar, I hated the creative part of me because it made my psychosis so believable and I felt so stuck in those bizarre ways of thinking and the ideas and delusions I came up with.
Now I have my brain at it’s best, and I’ve missed that so much. I was scared that the best part of me had died. But I’m still here, and I am still.. ME. I want to hold on to that, hold on for life.. So that even if my mind fucks with me again, I can still go back to being me once it’s over with.
Right now, that is my biggest ambition in life. And that is good enough for me!
Hope you have a lovely weekend 🌹
