I got caught in a negative loop of destructive thoughts again, it’s been a while since I had suicidal thoughts but the last days they’ve re-occurred. I have been very toxic towards myself, trashtalking myself to the point where it does not seem to be a point anymore. Argh, why do I have to go there, I want to be positive, I want to love life- but it doesn’t come easily for me. It’s so easy to go back to well-known patterns of selfdestructive behaviour, but honestly: No one can break me like I can. I am so sick of being my own worst enemy and standing in my own way of happiness.
But I talked to a really wise woman (❤️), and she made a very valid point: «You’ve been doing this for what, almost all your life- you can’t expect to change it in just a few weeks». It will require a lot of work, I have to stop in my destructive tracks and tell myself that here I go again, knowing SO well this is not doing me any good. How can I shift this and talk to myself with compassion and understanding instead, and what can I do for myself that will make me feel better? A list of things that can do the trick:
– Go for a walk in the daylight
– Be social, pay full attention to someone else
– Make good food
– Send a message to someone and ask how they are doing
– Write down or say outloud what I’m grateful for.
– Music, always 🥰
– Be creative
– Give someone else heartfelt compliments (and do the same to myself!)
– Take care of my surroundings, keep my home clean and tidy- because I deserve it.
– Dress up and do my makeup for the fun of it.
I did the last one today, and initially I did not feel like it at all (because I’ve told myself I’m useless and ugly and a failure, and there is no point in anything) BUT it really does something to me to actually put in an effort, and I found the motivation to go out and have coffee with friends. It also helped to open up about how I’m feeling, you don’t get advice if people don’t know you’re struggling ❤️
Pearl necklace is vintage, belt is also vintage/ inherited from a relative. Velvet sweater I found at H&M years ago.
Had to take pictures in front of the window to really show what a vibrant shade of blue it is, the velvet fabric really adds to this.
Love this coat maybe a little too much 😅 All my male friends hate it, but that just makes me dig it more. It’s so warm and cozy!
Bag is Versace, found it secondhand! It’s really unique, and the leather is SO soft.
I have a collection of these animal rings from China, didn’t even pay a full dollar for each of them, but the quality and craftmanship is SO good! I’ve had them for well over 10 years, and they are still in pristine condition.
I have to be really strict with myself going forward. Strict, but also friendly. Why should we accept talking to ourselves in a way we would never have the audacity to say to someone else? I’ve always been everyone else’s cheerleader and biggest hype queen- It’s about time I give myself the same support.
Also I think I’ll post the «aggressive» lyrics I talked about in a previous post- simply because I want to move on from it. I give myself the right to feel hurt and angry about something I’d never expect from someone that used to be really close to me- It was such a shit way to tell me the friendship is over, that I don’t matter anymore (and I suspect I never did). If I put it here it is a way for me to say it outloud, and I think I need to. But when it’s done, I am done. Moving on!
Wish you a good evening 🌹