34 years on this planet

34 years among the human race

34 years of trial and error and fatal mistakes

And I still haven’t found my place

 

Always on the outside looking in

It’s such a tricky game to me, the art of fitting in

Who knows, who I could have been

If I only knew the moves to make

Or if I was capable of being fake

My true self is more than people can take

If I find something that looks like love, it quickly turns into hate

 

Spent so many years, trying to be the good girl

Tried to hide that I’m full of thorns

Then life flipped up side down

And my halo turned into horns

Now everyone knows

Can’t hide it, I got a tail and it shows

 

34 years on this planet

34 years among the human race

34 years of trial and error and fatal mistakes

And still I haven’t found my place

 

Sometimes I gather up the courage

Tell myself I got the balls

To raise my voice and say my thoughts outloud

Then I’m met with this deafening silence

So instead I’m talking to the walls

 

I hate being asked to tag along

They drop these subtle clues that I don’t belong

My confidence crumbles into the dust

I can tell even when you say nothing:

I’m the one you can not trust

 

It hurts, but I tell myself it’s just the way it is

I should be used to it, ‘cuz honestly it’s always been like this

Even as a kid, I was always the difficult one

I don’t think anyone’s suprised to see this broken mess I have become

I’m a failure, to the very bone

 

34 years on this planet

34 years among the human race

34 years of trial and error and fatal mistakes

And still I haven’t found my place

 

 

A song for Bekky, forever my fav human ❤️

 

Sometimes I feel out of air

Other times I wish I could just disappear

I can’t seem to outrun fear

When I need it the most, I’m all outta gear

Hell is real, I know ‘cuz I’ve lived there

 

Breathe in, breathe out

There’s times I really doubt

That I’ll ever break out

This body is a prison at times

I gotta hang in there

Gotta have faith that eventually I’ll get my payout

 

I know this girl, she’s so beautiful

And her mind is a wonderland

She got demons like me, I tell her she’ll slay ‘em

She says maybe she will, but only if I can

Says she sees beauty in me too

If we can mirror each other, maybe we can believe in ourselves and our dreams can be made true

We all need it, don’t we: Someone that really sees you for you

 

Breathe in, breathe out

I know there’s times you doubt

That you’ll ever break out

And your body feels like a prison at times

You gotta hang in there

Gotta have faith that eventually you’ll get your payout

 

Breathe in, breathe out

(You can do this, you can find the way out)

Never forget, I’m by your side

(We can do this, we can find the way out)

Breathe in.. Breathe out

 

 

I told you that I fucked up again.

You said «That’s what you always do».

 

I hate you, I hate myself more, because it’s so damn true, and sometimes all we need in life is a big, juicy lie.

 

I’ve lied about a lot of things. Lied so well that I believed it too. I didn’t realise just how dangerous of an act that can be. 

 

 

I know now. We always figure it out when it’s too late, don’t we. Maybe it’s just me.

 

 

Sorry that you got caught up in my twisted plot, in the web I had to spin in order not to.. I guess die?

 

Like that would be a tragedy, I know. All the years down the drain, I know. All my futile and half-assed attempts to save the bloody stumps of what could have been a life, I KNOW. All the days I keep wasting, even though I know life is short and this is the only one and I’m lucky to be here.. I know..

 

Where did it start, the reign of fear over my body and mind, and why does it even matter? Maybe I believe that if I could figure this out, then the hate could switch over to understanding and GOD have I longed to be understood.

 

I’m a slave inside this flesh and bone construction, a damn slave and how dare I say that when I am also the master. Ruling with an iron fist over all the dysfunctional parts that together makes up this miserable person that I deemed worthless. At what age? 25,18, 5, at birth.? Did I come to this conclusion in my mother’s womb? Did I spend 9 months in there shaking in terror, knowing just by instinct that I was not fit to enter this world, that I was a mistake, that I should not have been at all?

 

I’m sorry that I am.

Sorry that this is all I got.

That this is all I have to give.

That this, THIS, is me trying my best.

This is me giving my all.

 

And still, I don’t get it

I still don’t understand

Why it is so hard for me

To be a human

 

Used to tell myself

«One day I’ll tear up my roots and leave my old life behind»

Find a place where I can bloom into someone else

Well, I stayed right put and met my doom

Locked up and tied up in that little room

I didn’t know just how angry I could get

I guess in that moment I found some self respect

 

All the pills, all those needles through my skin
All those faces looking down on me, telling me

»This is a war you’re not gonna win»

Suicide seems merciful, when living feels like a sin

But they cut my rope

And all the lights had to burn out, before I could claw my way back to this beautiful thing

This thing I can call hope

 

Nobody’s listening, I’m just talking to myself

Truth is I like myself more when there’s no one else around

I don’t think anyone can fully understand

The parts of me that was dead and buried

How deep I had to dig before I was found

Now there’s only me to tell myself:

»You will, and you can»

 

And maybe it’s alright

I missed out on all my flights

Maybe it’s okay

After all, I found myself right where I stayed

The buried parts of me did not decay

And now I’m kinda proud

That I never ran away

 

Nobody’s listening, I’m just talking to myself

Truth is I like myself more when there’s no one else around

I don’t think anyone can fully understand

The parts of me that was dead and buried

How deep I had to dig before I was found

Don’t think anyone can understand..

Now there’s only me to tell myself:

»You will, and you can»

 

 

Night creeper

Day sleeper

What’s the point, I’m just sinking deeper

I can’t stand standing still

But even worse, is when madness takes the reigns

Makes me do things against my will

 

Oh my head, my damn head

This voice, and it’s MY voice

That tells me I’m better off dead

 

Batshit psycho

Craziest bitch that I know

I can’t stand the demon I become

When I snap out of it

I haven’t just lost my sanity, my dignity is also gone

 

Oh my head, my fucking head

These dark rooms I lock myself in, no keys

When it gets pitchblack and I’m on my knees

Stuck in my head, I get stuck in my head

That’s when I wish I was already dead

 

I can’t explain

I can’t defend

Can’t mask it up, can’t play pretend

I know you get tired of me

I see it in your eyes, when you can’t look at me

I just don’t know how to make it end

 

It’s like a fire that just has to burn out

Then I’m left with the ashes

It makes it so hard for me to map out the route

When my brain is put under pressure, it crashes

And I hate myself for it, more than you know

But I know I got more of ‘em coming..

My personal tragedy, up to my neck in misery:

Here’s another horror show

 

Oh my head, my bloody head

To you I guess I’m already dead

I am so fucking sorry I can’t control my brain

That I go insane again and again

I know I’m just a constant strain

I know there’s not a lot of love that can remain

 

And you probably hate me

But I’d rather have you hating me than feeling you should save me

I’m trying the best I can to do something right

But every day of every week of every month of every damn year

My entire life, just a constant fight

 

My head, my hopeless head

If I could just donate my life

to someone more worthy of it instead

I feel so ashamed, knowing I’m both blessed and privileged

Everyone else seems to know the road to success

I wish I could do just one thing right, but I always just end up making a bigger mess

 

I’m sorry for taking up space

I’m sorry for the mistakes I can never erase

I’m sorry that I never reach

the dreams that I chase

 

And I’m sorry I was born your sister

Sorry that I was born your daughter

Sorry for breaking your heart, mister

Sorry to everyone that was affected

by the rings I made in the water

 

Oh, my head, my useless head

If I could just donate my life

to someone more worthy instead

 

 

 

This road will lead me straight to hell

Ya’ll know I know that place too well

Gotta find the formula to break this spell

Too bad I’m too dumb

Consider it understood:

I’m not even under your thumb

I’m being crushed under your foot

 

 

I’m wondering what it’s all for

All I know

Is I gotta get out that door

 

That shit you’re smoking doesn’t make me high

And those stripes you’re snorting doesn’t make me feel more alive

And the pills you’re popping ain’t enough to make me die

 

It’s funny how two hours can feel like a year

It’s strange how there seems to be no limits to my fear

Sometimes I just gotta put myself to sleep

There’s too many days of the week

Still the years went by real fast, and I’m getting old

Wish I could just bury you in the past, and unhear every little lie you’ve ever told

 

What was it all for?

 

That shit you’re smoking doesn’t make me high

And those stripes you’re snorting doesn’t make me feel more alive

And the pills you’re popping ain’t enough to make me die

And after we fuck I’m left wondering why

 

We both know I’m not gonna make you a groom and you ain’t gonna make me a bride

What’s it all for..?

This ain’t a lovestory for the books

We’re just fish on hooks

This feels more like a double suicide

 

Jeg har gått som en slask stort sett hele uka. Det må til i blant, noen ganger (veldig ofte for min del) så gidder man bare ikke. All ære til dere som alltid ser stylish ut, men det er bare ikke meg 😅

 

Mentalt har jeg måtte jobbet meg ut av en liten krise. Kampen mot angsten har spisset seg til i det siste, jeg har kjent på trangen til å unnvike situasjonen som gir meg mest angst, og det er dessverre jobb. Jeg ville så gjerne takle dette, prestere og kjenne på mestring, gjøre ære på de flotte menneskene som har gitt meg denne sjansen til å komme meg tilbake til arbeidslivet igjen.. Men til min fortvilelse, så har angst og devaluerende tanker om meg selv fått alt for mye spillerom, og etterhvert ble det så vanskelig at jeg ikke trodde jeg skulle klare å stå i det mer. Og faen, som jeg har hatet meg selv for det.

 

Men heldigvis har jeg blitt møtt med forståelse, og lista har måtte legges enda lavere- noe som har vært vanskelig for meg å akseptere, men jeg må nesten bare svelge stoltheten min her. Det er bedre enn å slutte i frykt i hvert fall.

 

Jeg må fortsatt jobbe med hodet mitt, å møte seg selv med forståelse er utrolig vanskelig for min del, men hvis jeg vil noe som helst med livet mitt så må jeg knekke den koden, og jeg må endre måten jeg snakker til meg selv på- spesielt i situasjoner der jeg ikke klarer å levere optimalt. Jeg har så lyst til å bli god til å være dårlig i ting, hvor rart det enn måtte høres ut!

Uansett, jeg var i en bursdagsfeiring sist helg og det var siste gang jeg kledde meg opp på en stund. Fikk endel kommentarer på at kjolen var for kort, haha.. Jeg er altså for gammel for korte kjoler nå, men sorry.. Det bryr jeg meg ikke om 🤷‍♀️

 

 

Don’t come for me and my natural boobs 😂 Føler meg sykt modig som turte å gå bra-less med de uperfekte puppene mine. De har faktisk aldri vært spesielt fine, jeg ble SÅ skuffa når jeg endelig kom i puberteten og så var det dette jeg fikk.. Men ja ja, sånn ble det. Tror endelig jeg i en alder av 34 har begynt å akseptere det 😅

 

Kjolen er et second-hand funn, skoene også.. De er fra Gucci faktisk, noe av det dummeste jeg har brukt penger på for altså.. De fleste høye hæler er ukomfortable som faen, og disse er intet unntak.. Å betale mye penger for noe som ikke er komfortabelt å gå i en gang, det skal jeg IKKE gjøre igjen 😅

 

Skulle egentlig pynte meg og være sosial i kveld, men søstera mi har sykt barn, så nå venter jeg på Lulu (firbeinte tanteungen) i stedet. Blir koselig det også.

Ønsker deg en fin helg 🌹