Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

You’ll see this.. I know you will. Here’s a fucking lullaby for the real psychos 🔥

You fear death, don’t you..

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

I fucking know you do!

You want my forgiveness more than anything

But you’ll never feel deeply enough to be sorry

Your time will come, old man

I won’t forget, and neither will death..

You can cheat in life, but you can’t cheat HER

And when they open the gates of Hell..

Because they will

You’ll just have to walk right in

and you will wait for me there..

If I can’t settle this in this life

I want the last battle to be among the flames!

I was a little angel, you bloody fool

But I’d rather grow horns than be your tool

Your wicked games, your evil tricks..

Could never mess with my core

I am not afraid to die, you bitch

I have died before!

You’re terrified because you know it all

Where I’ve been and where I can go..

You pushed me too far, and the edge scares you shitless..

And I really do believe that when death comes for you..

She’ll take you really, really slow

She’s MY angel, and she knows..

She knows!

And when they open the gates of Hell..

Because they will

You’ll just have to walk right in

and you will wait for me there..

If I can’t settle this in this life

I want the last battle to be among the flames..

Did you show me any mercy?

Did you ever give me a fair chance to fight back?

Empathy is the very thing you lack..

So expect nothing of it back!

So see ya in Hell..

They will open the gates wide open!

You’ll just have to walk right in..!

And if I’m not there to greet you, you just wait!

If I can’t settle this in THIS life

I want the last battle to be among the flames

Yeah, I want the last battle to be among the flames!!

Faen heller, jo flere ganger jeg prøver å slutte med de jævla sigarettene jo mer trang får jeg til å bare røyke meg i hjel.. «I didn’t smoke like a normal person, I smoked to die» sa Charlize Theron en gang og jeg er faktisk der er jeg redd. Hver gang jeg sprekker, blir jeg bare enda mer sulten på giften min, og hver gang jeg sprekker mister jeg mer og mer troen på at dette kommer jeg noen gang til å klare.

Men jeg VIL jo..

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Suget er bare så intenst vanskelig å holde ut!! Det verste er det det gjør med meg psykisk, jeg blir jo helt grønnsak i hodet av det.. Æsj altså!

Men i morgen (alltid i morgen, hæh..) prøver jeg igjen.. Åh, gruer meg. Gruer meg mest av alt til sprekken jeg føler på meg at jeg kommer til å gå på igjen, følelsen av at denne avhengigheten overstyrer min frie vilje og sunne fornuft totalt, følelsen av at denne demonen klarer jeg ikke å bekjempe.

Har meldt meg på nytt røykesluttkurs via Helsehuset igjen da, men det starter ikke før i april og jeg vil slutte nåååå.. Kunne gitt så mye for aldri å ha begynt.

Uansett, her er en låt om dritten jeg driver med.

This damn habit of mine..

I thought I could just play with the fire

Didn’t understand the way my brain is wired

I got chained so fast..

I’m handcuffed to these things

And I can’t let go!

My brain screams this is what I want

Black smoke down my lungs

I crave it more than air sometimes

It’s so damn patethic..

It’s so fucking dumb

But this is the habit I can’t seem to quit

This damn habit of mine..

How can one single puff feel so sublime

When I get my fix I don’t give a damn

A damn that it’s just stealing my time

Yeah, I was young and dumb

Steered away from coke at parties and heroin on the streets

And I only planned for this habit to last a couple of weeks

Guess this poison hit my weak spot

It’s been 20 fucking (!) years and I can’t stop

I can’t stop!

This damn habit of mine..

How can one single puff feel so sublime

When I get my fix I don’t give a damn

A damn that it’s just stealing my time

This damn damn habit of mine

I know I’m running out of time..

I gotta let go

I have to do without

But when I get my fix.. Ah, shit!

That stuff really hits

And I always knew this is hard to quit..

But I honestly thought I was bigger than this

This damn habit of mine..

This damn damn damn habit of mine..

Ok, so I’m not gonna pretend life has been easy

But anything else would have been kinda boring and taught me very little

So I guess all in all I’m kinda grateful for the battles I have fought

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Every hill I’ve climbed, every time I got knocked down..

I guess I kept the parts of me I’ve always loved the most after all..

Here’s to being forever in freestyle

Nothing set in stone and I’m fine with it!

Rolling with the punches and surfing the waves

Guess I wouldn’t have it any other way

I’ve doubted myself plenty

Thought I’d die before reaching twenty

There’s been enough challenges

I’ve had my share of enemies

Hell, I turned into my very worst one

But I’ve always kept my eyes on who I could become

I fucking love strong women, and I can finally say with confidence that I am one

Yeah, I am one!

Here’s to being forever in freestyle

Nothing set in stone and I’m fine with it!

I feel kinda bad for people always chasing the next big thing

I just roll with the punches and surf the waves

Guess I wouldn’t have it any other way

I wouldn’t have it any other way!

and you can call me whatever you like

Label me whatever you want..

Think of me as you please..

I’m not one for living on my knees

I’ve paved my way through many a hell

and some people really do not wish me well

But here I am, at 38- and I’m thriving

Ready to do so much more than merely just surviving

And the only plan I plan on sticking to is..

Forever in freestyle!

(I was just fishing for men.. Is this not how you do it..? Just kidding just kidding 😉)

You ruled this town back when I was born

24.12.87..

But these streets belongs to me now

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

and with cold wings I’m coming..

I think I know just where you hide out

I know exactly what and who you hide behind

Your damn title that you think makes you a god..

Your little flock of sheeps, fools that let you be in control because they can’t think for themselves..

But you have grown older

and I have only grown stronger

The dragon baby is not a baby anymore..

But I still breathe fire

So burn..

I know what it is you want from me

You’ll never have any of it

I know who you want me to be become..

I’ll rather die than fulfill your fantasy!

I am not your personal Jesus doomed to forgive and forget..

I am the cold blade pressed against your neck

I am not your little victim..

I am the weapon!

I am the weapon..!

You think I’ll ever be under your control?

You think I’ll ever let this go?

You think you’re so smart, but you could never figure me out

The way I always knew exactly what you are

Stone cold psychopath..

Welcome to the aftermath!

And while you have grown older

I have only grown stronger

and I still spit fire..

and I guess you have burned ever since

I know what you want from me

You’ll never ever have it

I know who you want me to become

I’ll die before I fulfill your fantasy!

and it’s killing you, I know it does..

I know I do!

I’m the one who haunts you, I’m the one keeping you up at night..

I am not your personal Jesus doomed to forgive and forget..

I am the cold blade pressed against your neck

I am not your little victim..

I am the weapon

I am the weapon..!

I still breathe fire..

and we both know you’ll burn ‘till you die..

I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you

But everytime we speak I just want you to go on forever

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

I don’t want silence to interrupt

I just want you to keep talking

This is so strange to me

How you never drain me

How you just fill me up

So can you keep talking, keep talking

’Cuz I don’t feel like walking, walking away

Or smoking..

I don’t need any of my unhealthy habits

If you just talk to me

I forget your voice in between

Heck, I even forget what you look like

But every time we pick it up again it’s all so familiar

and I’m back to just wanting your company

The conversation that just flows so naturally

It feels weird walking away

and this is so, so strange to me

How you never drain me

You just fill me up

I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you..

I think it’s just you

and I just want you to..

Keep talking, keep talking

I don’t feel like walking, walking away

I leave my damn cigarettes at home

I travel across town

Freeze to death on bus stops at night

and I’m so cool with it

I just want you to..

I just need you to..

Can you just talk to me

Just talk to me

You make me wet you know

The words that comes out of your mouth so effortlessly

Turns into a damn river between my legs

If we move it somewhere else

I just want you to keep talking

(And moan, and talk, and moan)

I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you

So anything but boring

Or maybe boring is just way more fun than I thought it was

I’m not the right person to tell if something is normal or not..

I just enjoy it

I just enjoy you

and all I want

All I need

I just want you to keep talking

Can you just talk to me

Do you need to sleep?

Do you have to work?

Do you really gotta be somewhere else?

I know you do, it’s just..

Can you just talk to me

And this is so strange to me

Mostly talking to myself for all these years

But I just need you to

I just want you to..

Can you just talk to me

Can you just talk to me?

Cuz when you do, I don’t really need to be anywhere else

Not even in my own head

And you deserve a reward for that, I guess

For taking my mind off my mind..

And I for sure can’t do that.

and I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you

I think it’s just you..

Ok, so..

Maybe I jump the gun here

(can’t help it, some parts of me are trigger-happy)

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

But to be honest there’s parts of me I’ve believed to be dead

And now I can’t get it out of my head..

’Cuz all I can think about

All I can focus on..

Ah, this makes me go nuts

but in a good way

I’m dripping wet and it ain’t from sweat

All I can think about..

It’s all I can think about!

(Just let me do it!)

Ok, so..

Maybe it’s too soon to talk about it

and maybe I should think about it some more

It’s not like I’ve never made mistakes before

But all I want is to jump the fucking gun

I just can’t get it out of my head

’Cuz all I can think about

All I can focus on..

Ah, this makes me go nuts

but in a good way..

I’m dripping wet and it ain’t from sweat

All I can think about..

It’s all I can think about!

(You gotta let me do it..)

I can do without a lot

And I have..

Seems I’ve lived a thousand years in loneliness

and now I can’t even finish on my own

And it’s all because..

’

’Cuz all I can think about

All I can focus on..

Ah, this makes me go nuts

but in a good way..

I’m dripping wet and it ain’t from sweat

All I can think about..

It’s all I can think about!

Aah!

I can publish these lyrics now that I’m OVER it, haha 😉 Our hearts can heal, my darlings!

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Driving through the country-side, singing out the window

Life felt good in that moment

Blasting music, admiring your side-profile

God, you’re handsome when you smile

I’ll never see that smile again

I miss it so bad

You’re a part of my past

It’s one of those perfect memories

Now it just makes me so sad

Drinking on your porch

Doing my makeup in front of your mirror

My lingerie on your bedroom floor

Cruising down the highway on your bike, arms wrapped around your shoulders

Life felt good in those moments

But it’s all over now

I miss it so bad

It’s all part of my past now

Those perfect memories

Now they make me so sad

These days it’s like I wake up, never really waking up

Talk like a zombie, walk like a zombie-

but my head is constantly racing

Suicidal, dark thoughts fire away

How could I not surrender?

I wish it hadn’t ended this way between us..

I wish none of this had happened..

But it did, gotta roll with the punches

You were a little break from battlefield life

Then you broke my heart a little bit

(Yeah it’s true, you did)

I miss it so bad

It’s all part of my past now

Those perfect memories

Now they make me so sad

Now they just make me sad..

Jeg trodde jeg var fastlåst.

Skvist mellom liv og død- half life..

Jeg trodde ikke det fantes noen vei ut.

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Jeg var overbevist om at jeg kom til å dø snart.

Jeg ville dø- snart.

Men noen små grep kan utgjøre all verdens forskjell.

Den største forskjellen har nok vært å svare på alle ubesvarte anrop og uåpnede meldinger. Finne ut at det er gode mennesker i livet mitt som bare vil meg vel, som viser meg raushet, aksept og forståelse og tar i mot meg med åpne armer.

Til familen og vennene mine- En million ganger takk for alt dere holder ut med meg. Hvor tålmodige dere er. Hvor mye av meg dere klarer å tåle, hvor mye dere tilgir, hvor mye dere forstår.

Depresjonen gir meg skylapper, jeg tenker at jeg er alene i denne verden, alene og verdiløs, at ingen er glad i meg, jeg ser for meg en begravelse som ingen gidder å gå i. Man kan bli både blind, stum og døv av en depresjon, og jeg har vært alt det.

Men jeg er ute av det nå, jeg tror jeg kan si det med sikkerhet. Nå vil jeg bare være her med dere. Feire jul og nytt år, være tilstede, le og tøyse (takk gud, jeg har fortsatt humor!), være den beste versjonen av meg selv før livet smeller noe nytt i trynet på meg.. For jeg vet jo at det vil skje.

Derfor er tiden min så ekstra dyrebar. Jeg må jobbe med å la de depressive periodene bli så korte som mulig, for der VET jeg jo egentlig alle verktøyene som kan brukes..

Forever a work in progress, huh. Jeg ville bare si at akkurat nå er jeg tilfreds, ja jeg er lykkelig faktisk. Herregud så rart det føles å endelig si det høyt! Men så JÆVLIG deilig også.

Jeg er så takknemlig.
Tror bare jeg avslutter med et smil, jeg..

This song is ment to be screamed Chester Bennington or Will Ramos style.. Give it a go.

Can I go back..?

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Can I go back??

Can I travel in time until you are mine..?

Like you once were..

While you were still here

All these years passed, still I can’t let go

I can’t let go..!

Can you come back..?

Can you come back??

Can I breathe for you, can I gift you this life I’m slowly wasting..?

I no longer know who or what I’m chasing

I just know you can’t be replaced

Just like you can’t be erased

I refuse to let the memories fade

If you can, live on in me

Live on in me!

Can we go back..?

Can we go back??

Rewind to the last bitter words I spoke to you

God, how I regret my poisonous tongue!

The worst part is:

I wasn’t even angry

Just sad and heartbroken over your fate, over the hand you were dealt

It was so damn unfair

I cried for you in my darkest most desperate moment

But you weren’t there

Let me go back..?!

Let me go back!

I swear I’d do things different

I swear I would be stronger, if I get a second chance I won’t break

But I can’t go back..

I know it..

Just like I cannot change your fate

I cannot change your fate

I can’t go back

You can’t come back 💔

Ligger her og er ikke litt trøtt en gang.. Men ikke så rart når jeg presterte å stå opp kl.18 (!!!) i dag.. What even is this life??

Jeg må få jobb ASAP. Men jobben jeg har søkt på skulle i gang med intervjurunde snart, fikk jeg beskjed om i starten av oktober. Enda ikke hørt noe, og mannet meg til slutt opp til å sende en mase-melding som jeg heller ikke har hørt noe fra siden. Og nå tenker jeg faen også, har jeg gått glipp av et viktig anrop, er løpet kjørt..?

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Jeg ikke bare ønsker meg denne jobben, jeg TRENGER den. Får prøve å ringe dem en dag jeg har litt ekstra store cojones.. A4-hverdag og sunne rutiner kaller på meg, og jeg lengter sånn etter å få det til.

Men skal jeg klare det MÅ den hersens døgnrytmen klikke på plass altså!

Nå har jeg svelgt en Imovane og venter på at den skal kicke inn. Forhåpentligvis får jeg meg litt søvn i natt hvert fall, skal trene i morra kl.10 og har funnet ut at før styrkeøkter kan det være lurt å få seg nok søvn. Litt søvn i det minste!

Ingenting roer hodet mitt som å skrive hvert fall, man får tømt seg litt og gitt utløp for siste rest av kreativ eller dårlig eller god energi, og for meg er det medisin.

Jeg har sagt det før, men jeg er så takknemlig overfor dere som kikker innom her av og til, at jeg aldri har fått et vondt ord, aldri har blitt dømt, aldri har blitt kritisert. Jeg og mine maniske faser, dere hadde virkelig hatt mye å ta meg på om dere ønsket det. Dere bidrar til at denne lille plassen min på internett er sånn et safe space, og det er jeg evig takknemlig for. Takk ❤️ (Men dere må feel free til å gi meg konstruktiv kritikk på skrivefeilene mine altså! Det kunne jeg trengt 😅)

Da gjenstår vel bare å ønske god natt, håper alle andre sover søtt nå og har en døgnrytme som ikke herjer med dere eller gjør dere frustrert. Jeg må bare være tålmodig, så SKAL jeg komme meg dit jeg også. Banna bein!