If only

It’s been so many years since I’ve seen your face

Yet it still haunts me

I have tried so hard to forget

But it’s still you I want

 

If only..

I curse the stars for crossing us

And I wish I could hate you for what you put me through

It’s been so many years since I last heard your voice

Still I only want you

 

Time moves so fast

It’s no wonder nothing ever lasts

I want to wipe out the memories

I have cursed every part you’ve played in my past

 

If only..

It’s you who makes me so damn lonely

And I wish I could hate you for walking away

I have known for so many years nothing you said was true

Still the only one I want is you

 

And I know I am destined to walk the rest of my life alone

Only I can heal the void in my wounded soul

Still when I close my eyes, it’s your eyes I see

I think I’d be willing to die for

You just holding me

Just one last time..

 

But you will never hold me again

And I have no choice but to deal with the  pain

 

If only..

There’s no point in thinking like that

In keeping the memory alive and burning

I know I have to kill the flame that keeps you alive in my hopes and dreams

You sacrificed me like I was nothing..

It should have been so easy

But nothing ever is as easy at seems

 

And I know I am destined to walk this life alone

Only I can fill the void within my wounded soul

Still when I close my eyes.. It’s always your eyes I see

And I think I could die for

You just holding me

 

Just one last time..

Just one last time.

(And I shouldn’t say it but..)

If only

If only..

 

 

On the road to freedom

I can’t back down now

Can’t let all these battles be fought in vain

I’m bullding my castle brick by bloody brick

I’m finding new ways to let go of the pain

 

And it’s anything but easy

But I know I got what it takes

Watching as the stars begin to align

Leaving all the broken years behind

I am on the road to freedom

 

I’m done merely just surviving

I’m building something on my own

From a warrior to a queen

I’m claiming back my throne

 

I’m building my castle brick by bloody brick

But I know I got what it takes

Watching as the stars begin to align

Leaving all the broken years behind

I am on the road to freedom

 

No more shadows, no more chains

I’m washing off the old remains

The road is long, but the view is mine

This is my moment, it’s my turn to shine

 

I am building my castle brick by bloody brick

And I know I got what it takes

Watching as the stars have finally aligned

Leaving all the broken years behind

I have found my way to freedom

 

Brick by bloody brick..

I have found my way to freedom

 

 

Warrior child

Bleeding soul, the deepest cut

I thread the needle, but this wound won’t shut

Sleepless nights, I’m not all right

Curse this body and its fight or flight

 

I am all grown up now, and the past is behind

But in the darkness safety is a thing within I cannot find

And you know, I know you do.. Tell me, can you sleep? ‘Cuz I bet you can!

I still pay for your sins and the price is my mind

I don’t want to lose my sanity, but sometimes I’m forced to

You try carrying all this weight without breaking!

 

I rebuild myself from scratch again every damn time!

 

Broken glass in my blood

When I act out the pain I am always misunderstood

I am trying so damn hard to make sense of other people’s fucked up behaviour

It’s hard, so damn hard!

Always having to be your own saviour

 

I am all grown up now, FUCK YOU for calling me a child

’Cuz when did I ever really get to be one..?

And this healing process sure is gonna take me a while

(maybe the rest of my life, but I am willing to do the work)

Fully whole is what I aim to become

I’ll get there!

 

I’m all grown up now, but I will always have so much respect for younger me

What you went through, what you dealt with..

The warrior child inside, I’ll set you free

I’ll set myself free!

The warrior child inside, keep living on in me

You live on in me!

 

I am the storm that survived the rain

I am the beauty born out of the pain

You tried to bend me, you tried to break

But I’m the soul you could never take!

 

Warrior child-rising from the dust

Warrior child-in myself I trust

The needle is moving, the thread is held tight

I’m stepping out of the shadows and into my light!

Warrior child..

You live on in me!

 

 

 

 

The glitch in the high

Neon lights behind my eyes

I’m scaling walls, I’m touching skies

Everything is gold and colored glass

I pray this feeling doesn’t pass

 

But there’s a glitch in the high

A broken code, a systematic lie

I’m running fast on an empty floor

Until I can’t feel the rythm anymore

Just a flicker, then the screen goes black

There’s no easy way of heading back

 

Four o’clock and the room is still

I’ve lost the spark, I’ve lost the will

The colors faded while I slept

I lost the light that the shadows kept

 

‘Cuz there’s a glitch in the high

A broken code, a systematic lie

I’m running fast on an empty floor

Until I can’t feel the rythm anymore

Just a flicker, then the screen goes black

There’s no easy way of heading back

But I will be heading back!

 

I know there’s still light to be found in the dark

There’s lies in my mind but truth in my heart

I’m rewriting the code, I’m sparking a flame

I will fight for myself, I’m changing the game

 

I have the power within

To wash away the static on my skin

Beyond the glitch, beyond the high

I’m the one who owns my sky

I have the power within..

 

 

Battlefield life, again

Why does it always have to go like this

No good thing can ever last, can it

I am haunted or cursed

and I don’t know what’s worse

Life is as treacherous as Game of Thrones

But this feeling of being unworthy, it’s in my very bones

 

You make it harder to be me..

 

And it’s battlefield life, again

I’m fighting a war in my head again

I’m losing faith and hope again

and I can’t talk to you because..

 

You ice me out

and you’ve decided who I am

and you deem me worthless

and how do I keep warm in this cold

and how do I make sense of this «love»

 

Why does it always have to be like this

I’ve known this feeling all my life

It’s a wound in the depth of my soul

and it never heals ‘cuz it never gets to

There’s always a new rusty blade waiting

and I never learned how to keep it under armor

So I guess it’s my fault

But you know about it and you still rubbed it in with salt

 

And now it’s battlefield life, again

I’m tearing myself to pieces in my head again

I’m losing trust in myself again

and I can’t talk to you because..

 

I speak but you don’t listen

and I’m not who you want me to be

and I am invisible to you I guess

and how do I survive in this world feeling like this

and how do I make sense of your mark on me

 

I want to cry it all out, but my eyes are frozen

I want someone to let me in, but no door is open

I just want to be right, but I’m always wrong

and I don’t even want to write this damn song..

 

You make me feel..

You make me feel..

You make me feel like I’ll never level up

and you will never love me unless I do

But I could never figure out..

How to just be approved by you

 

and it’s so lonely

It’s so goddamn lonely!

I hate how well I know this feeling

I hate how it will never leave my body

Because you chain me to it

 

There’s always a new rusty blade waiting

 

And it’s battlefield life, again

I’m fighting a war in my head again

I am going to lose, again

I am going to lose again

 

I cut myself with the sword you gave me

I hurt myself with the words you said

I should never have let you get inside my head

It’s battlefield life, again

It’s battlefield life

 

 

These nights, they haunt me

I lied

I think..

I’m not really all that great

My confidence is about to kill itself

Too many things went wrong at once

Like they always do

I said it once, I’ll say it again

I wish I never met you

 

And then you have the ones I love the most

Who I’ll always disappoint

Then you have my relationship with myself

and my never-ending frustration

over all the roads I take

that leads to nowhere

 

Oh and these nights

These fucking nights

Where everyone else is asleep

and I’m just counting seconds

Staring into the ceiling

Trying to control my thoughts

So they don’t go somewhere terrifying

They make me wanna die

 

When the light comes

I can roll over

and pretend like I’m not haunted anymore

The curse has been lifted

and I can sleep

But the days go by so fast

and it’s been how many years of this

and I know so damn well it’s not fucking normal

but I have no weapons against the silent dark

 

I feel like

Isolating

Surrender

Cave in

Break down

Give up

 

Tomorrow is just another day

I will sacrifice

for making it through the night

 

And everyone thinks I’m hopeless

and that is so fucking true

And it makes me wanna die

 

Take my head

Lobotomize me

If I have to be inside it any longer..

It makes me wanna die

 

Things felt different

for a little while

I thought I had found myself again

Like I have a clue

Like I remember

who I used to be

 

and I will never be enough

You said it so perfectly

without actually saying it

and it hits me so much harder than I’d ever expect

’Cause it’s like.. I already KNOW

 

These nights, they haunt me

My inner voice grows so loud in the darkness

and what it says becomes so damn cruel

It makes me wanna die!

I wish so bad I could just silence it with sleep

But I can’t, and all my demons know why

 

I wait for the light

i hold my breath and I wait for the light

I can’t fight this..

I lied

I think..

I am not really all right

 

 

 

Dead letter

Guess I can’t change for anyone

It’s mostly because I don’t want to

I’ve been through hell and back in this skin

You really have no idea, do you

I have to stay true to the fire within

 

And you can hate me if that makes you feel any better

I don’t feel anything at this point

I guess this is a dead letter

But one you should have read..

This is where I declare us dead

 

Walking out because there is no other way

Moving on because anything else would have been stupid

This whole saga is so fucking cliché

I’m gonna shoot an arrow straight into Cupid!

 

And you can hate me if that makes you feel any better

I really don’t give a shit at this point

I guess this is a dead letter..

But one you should have read

’Cuz this is where I declare us dead

 

And I’m so happy you ain’t my problem

’Cuz all your issues, well I can’t solve ‘em

Your dog-eat-dog world must suck to live in

It was pretty easy to just pull the pin

 

You can rage against me, it’s fine

Call me all the names, I don’t mind

This is a dead letter, but one you should read

Do you even know what you need..?

 

And you can hate me if that makes you feel any better

I don’t care at this point

I guess this is nothing but a dead letter

But one you should have read

’Cuz this is where I declare us dead

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All the roads I might take

Woke up feeling okay

I did what I did, and I’m cool with that

I heard all the words you never said

Now I’m just gonna live life the way I want

Looking back, for what?

It doesn’t lead me anywhere

 

And all the roads that I might take

will not lead me back to you

 

7 times before you head off to work

Then you call me the moment you’re home

I can’t complain

I’ve spent so much time recovering from shit not really recovering, I just stopped living

and I’m over it

I’m just gonna do whatever I want

 

I’m not overthinking anything anymore

It really does only kill your happiness

Just trusting my instincts and going with the flow

And when you know, you know..

 

I have no obligations

I’m not explaining myself or asking for permission

I’m just here trying to live my best life

Part of that is discovering what it IS

 

And all the roads that I might take

(I will make sure!)

will all lead me closer to MYSELF

 

 

 

Alt går fint

Tok bare på meg skoa og sprang

Tomme gater, iskald vind- jeg følte ingenting

Sa jo til meg selv at dette blei siste gang

 

Tøffe jenter tåler alt, for vi må

Vi er dem ingen prøver å forstå

Tøffe jenter tåler alt, for vi må

Og ingen vet hvor dype sår vi bærer på

 

Sminke over ringene under øya, ingen skal vite at vi har grått oss i søvn

Stygge ord som treffer rett i hjertet- jeg føler faktisk alt

Smile på bestilling; hvite tenner, hvit løgn

Du har fortsatt ikke hørt et ord av det jeg har fortalt

 

For tøffe jenter tåler alt, fordi vi bare må

Vi er dem ingen prøver å forstå

Tøffe jenter tåler alt, fordi vi må

Og ingen bryr seg om de sårene vi bærer på

 

Føler for å flekke tenner

Føler for å gå rett i strupen

Spør heller om vi skal være venner

For jeg må jo alltid se alt og alle gjennom den jævla lupen

 

Selv om ingen noen gang gidder å gi det samme tilbake..

 

Tøffe jenter tåler alt, fordi vi må

Vi er dem ingen prøver å forstå

Tøffe jenter tåler alt fordi vi må

Og ingen bryr seg om sårene vi bærer på

 

Og vi smiler så det gjør vondt

Og sier «Alt går bra!»

Men det gjør jo faen aldri det

Fordi..

 

Vi må tåle alt

Vi må tåle alt

Vi må tåle alt

 

Og det tar aldri slutt

 

Men alt går bra!

 

Tøffe jenter..

Fordi vi må.

Vi er dem

Verden ikke gidder å ta vare på

 

Tøffe jenter..

Fordi vi må

 

Og alt går fint

Alt går fint.

 

 

 

Just forget

There’s nothing to be done about the past

or the ghosts that reside there

A field of daisies can be covered in mines

You don’t know before it detonates

Sometimes you think you’ve entered Paradise

Then you turn around and see it was Hell’s gates

 

And life can be hard for a billion reasons

Nothing here makes much sense

I just know I can’t reach bottom again

So I swim to the surface and I’m just gonna forget

Forget that it did feel what it felt like..

But you are somewhere I just can’t go

 

I need more light and more laughter

I need less worries and sleepless nights

I have to be able to look myself in the mirror

and tell myself I deserve to feel all right

My sanity is always up for debate

That’s a fate I just can’t change

But where I have a choice, I must choose

And I can’t always set myself up to lose

 

Life can be wonderful for a billion reasons

and it doesn’t always have to make sense

I just know I have one life to live

So I swim to the surface and I’m just gonna forget

Forget that it did feel what it felt like

But you are somewhere I just can’t go