Why does it always have to go like this

No good thing can ever last, can it

I am haunted or cursed

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and I don’t know what’s worse

Life is as treacherous as Game of Thrones

But this feeling of being unworthy, it’s in my very bones

You make it harder to be me..

And it’s battlefield life, again

I’m fighting a war in my head again

I’m losing faith and hope again

and I can’t talk to you because..

You ice me out

and you’ve decided who I am

and you deem me worthless

and how do I keep warm in this cold

and how do I make sense of this «love»

Why does it always have to be like this

I’ve known this feeling all my life

It’s a wound in the depth of my soul

and it never heals ‘cuz it never gets to

There’s always a new rusty blade waiting

and I never learned how to keep it under armor

So I guess it’s my fault

But you know about it and you still rubbed it in with salt

And now it’s battlefield life, again

I’m tearing myself to pieces in my head again

I’m losing trust in myself again

and I can’t talk to you because..

I speak but you don’t listen

and I’m not who you want me to be

and I am invisible to you I guess

and how do I survive in this world feeling like this

and how do I make sense of your mark on me

I want to cry it all out, but my eyes are frozen

I want someone to let me in, but no door is open

I just want to be right, but I’m always wrong

and I don’t even want to write this damn song..

You make me feel..

You make me feel..

You make me feel like I’ll never level up

and you will never love me unless I do

But I could never figure out..

How to just be approved by you

and it’s so lonely

It’s so goddamn lonely!

I hate how well I know this feeling

I hate how it will never leave my body

Because you chain me to it

There’s always a new rusty blade waiting

And it’s battlefield life, again

I’m fighting a war in my head again

I am going to lose, again

I am going to lose again

I cut myself with the sword you gave me

I hurt myself with the words you said

I should never have let you get inside my head

It’s battlefield life, again

It’s battlefield life

I lied

I think..

I’m not really all that great

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My confidence is about to kill itself

Too many things went wrong at once

Like they always do

I said it once, I’ll say it again

I wish I never met you

And then you have the ones I love the most

Who I’ll always disappoint

Then you have my relationship with myself

and my never-ending frustration

over all the roads I take

that leads to nowhere

Oh and these nights

These fucking nights

Where everyone else is asleep

and I’m just counting seconds

Staring into the ceiling

Trying to control my thoughts

So they don’t go somewhere terrifying

They make me wanna die

When the light comes

I can roll over

and pretend like I’m not haunted anymore

The curse has been lifted

and I can sleep

But the days go by so fast

and it’s been how many years of this

and I know so damn well it’s not fucking normal

but I have no weapons against the silent dark

I feel like

Isolating

Surrender

Cave in

Break down

Give up

Tomorrow is just another day

I will sacrifice

for making it through the night

And everyone thinks I’m hopeless

and that is so fucking true

And it makes me wanna die

Take my head

Lobotomize me

If I have to be inside it any longer..

It makes me wanna die

Things felt different

for a little while

I thought I had found myself again

Like I have a clue

Like I remember

who I used to be

and I will never be enough

You said it so perfectly

without actually saying it

and it hits me so much harder than I’d ever expect

’Cause it’s like.. I already KNOW

These nights, they haunt me

My inner voice grows so loud in the darkness

and what it says becomes so damn cruel

It makes me wanna die!

I wish so bad I could just silence it with sleep

But I can’t, and all my demons know why

I wait for the light

i hold my breath and I wait for the light

I can’t fight this..

I lied

I think..

I am not really all right

Guess I can’t change for anyone

It’s mostly because I don’t want to

I’ve been through hell and back in this skin

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You really have no idea, do you

I have to stay true to the fire within

And you can hate me if that makes you feel any better

I don’t feel anything at this point

I guess this is a dead letter

But one you should have read..

This is where I declare us dead

Walking out because there is no other way

Moving on because anything else would have been stupid

This whole saga is so fucking cliché

I’m gonna shoot an arrow straight into Cupid!

And you can hate me if that makes you feel any better

I really don’t give a shit at this point

I guess this is a dead letter..

But one you should have read

’Cuz this is where I declare us dead

And I’m so happy you ain’t my problem

’Cuz all your issues, well I can’t solve ‘em

Your dog-eat-dog world must suck to live in

It was pretty easy to just pull the pin

You can rage against me, it’s fine

Call me all the names, I don’t mind

This is a dead letter, but one you should read

Do you even know what you need..?

And you can hate me if that makes you feel any better

I don’t care at this point

I guess this is nothing but a dead letter

But one you should have read

’Cuz this is where I declare us dead

Woke up feeling okay

I did what I did, and I’m cool with that

I heard all the words you never said

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Now I’m just gonna live life the way I want

Looking back, for what?

It doesn’t lead me anywhere

And all the roads that I might take

will not lead me back to you

7 times before you head off to work

Then you call me the moment you’re home

I can’t complain

I’ve spent so much time recovering from shit not really recovering, I just stopped living

and I’m over it

I’m just gonna do whatever I want

I’m not overthinking anything anymore

It really does only kill your happiness

Just trusting my instincts and going with the flow

And when you know, you know..

I have no obligations

I’m not explaining myself or asking for permission

I’m just here trying to live my best life

Part of that is discovering what it IS

And all the roads that I might take

(I will make sure!)

will all lead me closer to MYSELF