I’ve messed up and I can’t take it back

Slowly, slowly I’m painting the whole world black

and you don’t have to tell me I’m wrong by doing so..

But in time of crisis we do what we know

and this is all I know how to do

Take all the good things and just let ‘em go

So goodbye for now

Please don’t check in later

And please; be assured

I am still my biggest hater

I don’t know the way to the place that’ll set me free

I can’t remember anything that did not leave a mark on me

There was a time I thought I’d found the cure for life

There was a time I was damn good pretending I was happy

But a tragedy happens all of the time

Now I’m just being sappy

Caught up and crushed by misery

A tragedy occurs all the time

Turns out I was just outta my mind

So goodbye for now

Please don’t drop by later

I know I’m supposed to love myself

But I am such a traitor

I’m closing all the doors, I can’t let anyone in

I know you’re supposed to love life, but I don’t and I guess that is my sin

There’s an angel fighting a devil in my mind, and the latter seems to win

But in time of crisis we do what we know

and this is what I do, take all the good things and let ‘em go..

So goodbye for now

Please don’t check in later

I am still my, still my

I’m still my biggest hater

Goodbye for now

Aa-aa-aah

I feel the sting again

Aa-aa-aah

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

I feel the knife, twisting in my wounds

What can you do, but sing

Let’s turn the pain into music

It’s kinda worth it if you can use it

Let’s turn the pain into music

It’s worth it if you can use it!

Aa-aa-aah

I just wanted to stay in bed today

Aa-aa-aah

But I have something to say

What can you do,

sing the pain away..

Let’s turn the pain into music

It’s kinda worth it if you can use it

Let’s turn the pain into a melody

I can’t be hurt that severally!

Let’s, let’s turn the pain into, into music

It’s kinda worth it if you know how to use it

Turn the pain, turn the pain into music

Aa-aa-aah!

I, I live a stolen life

I, I cheated destiny

I live this life so broken, so messed up

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Because it was never ment for me

I, I was never supposed to bloom..

I, I was supposed to die in the womb..

So I’m calling on YOU!

Calling your name

Is this the end

Hold me again

Death; my one true friend

I, I am my enemy

I, I cheated destiny

I live this life so empty, so fucked up

Because it was never ment for me

I, I can taste it on my tongue..

I, I was supposed to die young..

So I’m calling on YOU!

Calling your name

Is this the end

Hold me again

Death; my one true friend

Calling on YOU!

To my tribe ❤️

&

for my tribe 🩸

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

I am walking in the dark, but I have no fear

I know exactly who and what’s waiting here..

I have to do this, do this for me so I can be more for you.. And more for me.

Let’s be more of ourselves together!

Yeah, I am walking through darkness

and my heart aches

But that’s the price of loving so hard and it’s so fucking worth it

I have a big heart, but..

I only let the best ones hurt it!

Yeah I love you so much it hurts..

Just don’t worry, my dear

I’ve walked this path before

I know the way.. Trust I’ll find it

and I know how to fight..

No one can take away my light!

I swear I see it!

Come what may, I’ll handle it

I see the light, I’ll enter it

I know some will hate to hear this,

but I swear I’m alright

Walking through the darkness again

This time you’ll just have to let me get it right..

And now I can finally sleep at night

I’m not afraid of the dark

Now I enter the light

and you don’t have to do a thing for me

Just meet me there

Just be there!

Trust!

I’m neither broken n’or am i doomed!

Yeah, I’m hurt and..

I got wounds, but finally I can pull out the knife

(Just let me pull out the knife..)

I’m not broken nor am I doomed-

and now I gotta pull out the knife!

I am strong, I’m healing,  I am

Sunniva Kvivesen, Kvivesen for life ❤️👊🏼

See you in the LIGHT

That’s all I ask, just be there with me..

She got a

pretty name and a pornstar pussy

But I don’t wanna get sued so

let’s call her Betty BOP!

So I met her at a club right before closing time

We were just there to shake our asses but she brought me home

I watched her talk for hours (such a pretty mouth, such a pretty face..)

She told me she had bigger plans

Few years later, I found her on Onlyfans

She’s my Betty Bop

Told me she would stop

but she blew up, got famous

Powder in her nose, big D in her anus

My Betty, Betty BOP!

She got her tits and ass done

Said she had her limits, now they all gone

She’d do it all if you’d only ask, and she has

She’s Santa to these men, but she secretly hates ‘em..

She bought this fire body with their money but it’s starting to feel like Alcatraz

She’s my Betty Bop

Told me she would stop

»But babe, I’m making bank»

Yeah, but baby you’re starting to feel like a septic tank..

My Betty, Betty Bop!

She’s doing coke, she’s doing weed

Pills and alcohol so she can sleep

I tell her she doesn’t need the damn money, girl you need therapy!

Now she’s pissed off, she won’t even speak to me

I just said it outta love, but..

Now she hates me.

She was my Betty, Betty Bop

She said that she would stop

but money talks and that’s all she hears

and if I die right now I doubt she cares

But girl, if you hear this: If you ever do get fed up by those creeps at Onlyfans..

Let me remind you that you once had bigger plans ❤️

My Betty, Betty BOP!

It ain’t poetry.. It’s therapy.

Hey, dad

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

This time I’m talking to ya without being mad

(I’m just sad)

You know how this tale goes..

Life blows again

and I went off the radar..

Well, daddy I am still alive

It doesn’t feel like much of an achievment

Most of all, I’m ashamed

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah..

Life blows again and I’ve been blowing my brains out in my wicked fantasies for the past six months

Stacked up on pills but I already tried and failed at that once

so dear dad..

I just wanted to ask you: How’s life in death?

Your silence speaks louder than words..

(God, how I long for the silence!)

That’s all I want!!

Hey dad!

Can you hear me?!

I know you can’t, but I’m screaming anyway

Can I reach to your kingdom of silence

Hey dad, save a spot for me there..

Yeah, yeah, yeah..

I’m suicidal again, don’t tell my doc

I can’t do the electro shock

but I can’t seem to do better so..

Dear dad, how’s the kingdom

The kingdom of, kingdom of silence..?

Hey dad..

Mama’s been my rock again

I wish I could tell you we figured shit out before this curse took me a prisoner too

(but you are within the walls of the kingdom of silence, silence)

She never stops fighting for me

I guess that is the biggest reason I can’t join you yet

(in the kingdom of, kingdom of silence)

Oh dad

I’ve always wondered if it was somehow my fault that you died

and I know you can’t answer that

I’ve cursed time for running out on you

Now I pray for the same fate

(I can’t do a long life of this)

But dad, hey:

I can do a little longer

A little longer.. I think.

It’s okay that you don’t respond.. The silence is answer enough.

Hey dad

(I know you can’t hear it but..)

I’ll join you soon enough

(life feels so long in darker times, but it IS short)

Yeah, I’ll go there too when my time runs out..

To your kingdom of, kingdom of..

Kingdom of silence

That’s all I want!

The kingdom of silence

I know you wait there..

I can feel it’s written in the stars, I am walking my father’s path

and I too will die young

But dad, first I’ll TRY to live

Yeah, I can do a little longer

Before the kingdom of silence awaits

I know you wait there!

In the kingdom of, kingdom of silence

(Thanks for the talk ❤️)

Jeg er ikke god på sånne “tenke høyt” type innlegg, men jeg gir det et forsøk. Status quo? Fortsatt ikke deprimert. Men veldig medisinert, bah. Jeg ser ikke skikkelig og er enda mer nærsynt enn før. I tillegg er jeg treig i bevegelsene, har mye matlyst, mister sinnsykt mye hår, er veldig rastløs; har null konsentrasjon, og har problemer med å sove og problemer med å stå opp.

Og jeg føler meg så lite fresh! Har gått opp i vekt her inne og trynet mitt ser så slitent ut.. Sminke hjelper ikke en dritt. Jeg tenker for første gang i livet at jeg har blitt ei gammal kjerring, hah.

Nå er jeg hjemme på perm, hatt kvalitetstid med venner og familie. Det hjelper jo på humøret. Men jeg gleder meg til denne rastløsheten gir seg, til jeg klarer å konse igjen, til å få synet tilbake skikkelig, og ja.. Bli meg selv igjen 100% rett og slett.

Men jeg er takknemlig for at den store nedturen ikke har meldt seg ennå, altså. Vanligvis går jeg jo laaangt ned i kjelleren etter en manisk periode, med suicidale tanker og hele pakka. Det hadde vært så deilig å slippe det nå. Krysser fingrene for at depresjonen holder seg unna meg, så jeg kan plukke opp livet igjen og gi alt..

God natt!

Reposting this old song I wrote, because it kinda fits the current shituation (not a typo!).. My dad was my closest ally in life, and without him is.. Well, battlefield life ya know. Also taking the opportunity to post a more glammed-up version of myself than the ugly face I’m currently sporting.

I dreamt about my father,

He said:

‘Surely kid, I get that you miss me

But you gotta find a way

to set yourself free

From the guilt that weighs you down

From the pain and the misery

Darling child o’ mine, I know you feel guilty..

But you must begin to live your life

Live your life..

Take it from me, it goes by so fast

Hold on to the light and let go of the past

These troubled times must eventually pass’

❤️

Daddy if I die

Will I find you on the other side

Are you waiting for me beyond this realm

Daddy if I die..

Daddy, sometimes I wish I would

Don’t blame me if I try

❤️

In the dream he spoke to me

Said: ‘Child, if you could see what I see

How much more you could be

If you just put your efforts on living

And treated yourself more forgiving

Death is for the dead, you must remain with the living

I’m cheering you on from the other side

But darlin’ child, you must live your life

Live your life

These troubled times must eventually pass

❤️

Daddy if I keep breathing

Will it be worth it some day?

Right now I’m just wasting time away

Daddy please don’t leave me

I need you to stay

❤️

Once I went crazy, heard my dad in my head

And for a moment I forgot he was dead

I saw him walk towards me, I thought it was real

We believe what we see, we believe what we feel..

And I heard him say: ‘Child, you gotta live your life

Live your life..

I’m always by your side

Now go ahead and live your life’

But daddy, I don’t know how

Dad, guess I have to figure it out somehow!

I gotta figure it out!

Ååååh, jeg har hatt livets helg hjemme hos meg sjæl. Fikk dobbel perm, altså to overnattinger- så jeg har endelig hatt en skikkelig helg, og har omsider fått senket skuldrene og bare slappet av og nytt mitt eget selskap for det meste. Herregud så godt å være alene igjen!! Kunne snakke høyt med meg selv og være rar, haha. Shit, jeg elsker det altså.. Solitude <3

Jeg har prøvd å bevege meg litt på oppfordring fra mamma som er bekymret for stoffskiftet mitt. Jeg MÅ bevege meg før jeg blir en gammel krok. Syklet tur i går, og det var så tungt at jeg er flau. Og har vært rundt lille Stokkavatn. I dag tenkte jeg å lufte hundene til familien, vi skal treffes og feire en bursdag.

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Jeg føler meg så glad nå. Dette var vitamininnsprøytinga jeg trengte, et opphold i hobbithula mi. Nå husker jeg liksom hvem jeg innerst inne er, jeg er ikke hu der subbende zombien i gangene på psyk, jeg er meg! En kreativ og sær person, men med et hjerte av gull.

Og det klør sånn etter å bare skrive meg ut og dra hjem for godt i dag, jeg kan jo teknisk sett gjøre det siden jeg har kommet på frivillig- men det er jo greit å ha noen som følger med på nedtrapping av medisiner.. Så jeg må nok bare bli ut tiden.

Men kanskje det kan gå litt lettere der inne nå, nå når jeg liksom har denne opplevelsen å leve på en stund fremover.. Og så kommer det helt sikkert mer permisjon.

Jeg må ta litt tak i situasjonen selv kjenner jeg, mye jeg kan gjøre annerledes og bedre mens jeg fortsatt er pasient. Wish me luck, hehe.

Håper alle har en fin helg.

Alt føles låst og jævlig. Kroppen er treig, hodet er seigt. Jeg subber rundt som en gammel gubbe. Sosialisering er en pain in the ASS- jeg kommer ikke på NOE å si til noen. Tankene snegler seg gjennom hodet mitt, og jeg husker ikke sist jeg tenkte noe positivt. Alt jeg husker er at jeg har tenkt mye RART. Rare tanker i en rasende fart, før det plutselig ble bom stille.

»Tenker du på å dø» spør favorittsykepleieren min, og nei- så langt har jeg ikke tenkt det. Men jeg greier ikke tenke så mye i håpets kraft heller, og jeg klarer ikke gjennomføre noe som helst skikkelig. Har vært hjemme noen dager på perm, og da har jeg bare.. Stirret inn i veggen eller sovet. Jeg vet ikke hva jeg skal ta meg til, vet ikke hvordan jeg skal få gjort noe, jeg er bare.. Tom. Hul..

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Jeg skammer meg, jeg gjør det. Over alt det dumme jeg gjør og sier i en manisk fase, men jeg skammer meg også over å være sånn her. Robotisk og treig, dum og fraværende. At jeg synes ALT er tiltak, og at jeg helst skulle sovet meg inn i komatøs tilstand.

Jeg ser ikke noe lys i enden av denne tunnelen, men jeg VET jo at det kan være det. Jeg er bare lei av denne berg-og-dalbanen som er livet mitt, lei av de krappe svingene og helsikes loopene, jeg vil bare ha rett fram straka vegen i noen år, takk. Herregud så heldige dere er, de av dere som kan leve sånn. Som kan stole på de forbannades hjernene deres. Jeg misunner dere.

Det er ikke gøy å være manisk for meg hvert fall. Det er bare masse rare tanker og en helt sinnsyk rastløshet, og jeg får ikke utrettet noe positivt i den tilstanden der.

Men nå er det over, for denne gang. Det er jo positivt, selv om jeg føler meg som shit.

Snart skrives jeg ut, forhåpningsfullt. Etterhvert må det trappes ned på medisiner, jeg skal hjem for godt, jeg kan begynne å trene igjen, kanskje jeg får jobb etterhvert, ting kan løsne og livet kan begynne og gli, ikke bare rykke og halte.

Jeg har klart 36 år av dette trøblete livet. Det er ikke dårlig, bare det når jeg tenker meg om.

Det MÅ være noe godt der fremme. Jeg tenker på det gode jeg har i livet, alt jeg er takknemlig for. Det er jo en del! Det kan komme mer. Livet stormer for alle til tider, og kanskje ingen har det rett fram i årevis, når alt kommer til alt.. Kanskje det ikke er noe mål i seg selv heller, men heller å stå i stormene uten å føle at man drukner.

Hvis jeg klarer meg gjennom dette uten å få en stor nedtur med suicidale tanker og hele pakka, tror jeg nesten jeg må ta det som en seier. Jeg må ikke undervurdere hvor bra det faktisk er å IKKE ønske å dø etter en sånn periode som jeg har hatt nå.

Kanskje det får være godt nok. For nå..