Talking about the weather is probably the least interesting thing I know, but just gotta say it: I am so over the cold wind combined with rain my region has been having for what feels like an eternity now.. I need to see the sun soon! I’m forever a northern girl at heart, and winter is usually my vibe, but.. I am officially ready for spring. Winter in the south west coast of Norway isn’t really winter anyway, more like a cold, wet version of hell.. Well, it feels like that right now anyway 😅 Enough complaining. Nothing to do about it anyway (except booking a ticket to somewhere warm & sunny, which I’m seriously considering..)

Today’s outfit, sequins & pearls:

 

I’m still trying to get through february without buying anything, BUT I went through my closet and sorted out everything that needed some kind of repair. I’ve been dreading and procrastinated starting on this project because I am not skilled or experienced in the art of sewing! BUT to my huge surprise it was really friggin’ fun! Who knew!! I sewed on buttons, stitched holes and tears, and hemmed a couple of pants. So now I have a bag full of «new» old clothes! And I want to do more needle work, ‘cuz it’s the most satisfying activity I’ve done in a while!

 

 

 

I’ve really been struggling with my confidence lately (who am I kidding, I’m pretty much always battling that issue 🙄) so it was really great to feel like I actually mastered something I did not expect to, and that it also gave me a real sense of joy. I guess the lesson here is try new things, you asshole, ‘‘Cuz you won’t discover what you like until you actually TRY it!

Ok so that is on the to-do list going forward. Keep an open mind and just dive into the new and unknown. Especially those things where my first thought is «I’ll never be able to do that». I might just prove myself wrong! And to do that, might just be one of the best feelings in the world.

Happy Valentines and don’t change ❤️😈

 

 

 

Get you a girl who can cook, who can clean

A girl you can treat as shit as you please

and still she’ll never be mean

Get you a girl who’s solid like a rock

Someone you can treat as you please

She’ll stay faithful to your cock

But she won’t ride you ‘till the bed rocks..

And after a while

You’ll go back to jacking off in your old socks

🎵

Well, I don’t care what your mama told you

Bad girls are the best girls

🎵

I’m taking these pills just so I won’t go to war against my hood

Everyone knows I am crazy

Still don’t get me misunderstood

There’s a part of me I just can’t and won’t tame

So many people grow up just to be lame

And they’ll look at you and judge you and expect you to do the same

Join the rat race, get married, get kids, but I’m sorry to say

I just don’t wanna play that game

🎵

And I don’t care what your mama told you

Bad girls are the best girls

🎵

And all these men will chase you

When rep get’s around that you’re real good at what you do

At first they just wanna play you

Get the pleasure, then walk out the door

Then they think about you, wanting more

Thinking ‘bout having you all the time

And if they married this bad girl, is it a crime?

But bad girls ain’t waiting for men to get in line

And they can live without you just fine

🎵

I don’t care, don’t care what your mama told you

Bad girls are, are the best girls

🎵

Handcuffed in the streets

A real freak in the sheets

Go all out on ya every day of the week

But real picky and knows just what I seek

And don’t expect me to get weak in my knees

You better know just how to please

‘Cuz a bad girl is real good at self-satisfaction

And she’s not afraid of your reaction

When she’s done, you’ll never see her again

Better enjoy what you have when you get her in action

🎵

I don’t care what your mama said

I know I still play on repeat in your head

Bad girls, bad girls

Bad girls are the best girls

🎵

A bad girl can go for years

Without anyone, she’s got no fears

Unafraid to be alone

She can satisfy herself all by herself at home

And a bad girl can go for years

Without shedding any tears

Doesn’t dream of white dresses, champagne

Not afraid to miss her train

She’s king and queen in her own mind

In sunshine and in rain

She can take the good and the pain

No man can change who she is at the core

Fuck with her all you want

She stays true to herself, she stays the same

🎵

Bad girls, bad girls

All my bad girls

Don’t care what they say, nah

Bad girls are the best girls

 

I am terrible with dates (numbers in general) and I had no idea it’s Valentines day today until my friend called and asked me «What are you doing for Valentines day» and I was like eeehm, when is that and am I supposed to be doing something??

 

I am not a relationship-person. I’m not sure I even believe in everlasting love where there is also lust. Those two make things complicated after a while. I’m not sticking around with someone where the is no spark anymore. If you are in a monogamous relationship then the sex-part is the only thing you share with your partner that you can not get anywhere else. It’s important, and maybe as a woman I’m not supposed to feel that, but fuck it I do. I’m not sticking around if the lust-part is fading or completely over and can not be rekindled. I’m not holding on to something where it’s not fun anymore, I’m not holding on to someone that gradually change for the worse and starts treating me like they don’t appreciate me anymore.

And same with me, if I can’t and no longer feel like giving you the best I have to give, then there is no point anymore. I honestly think it’s a skill to be able to be brutally honest about «where are we heading» and being able to end a relationship before it gets real ugly, because that is happening to so many. I’d rather call quits before the cheating, before the ugly name-calling and fighting, before the love turns to hate and enemies for life. To me, that is what being truly loyal means- respect someone enough to say the painful words «this is not working for me anymore» and then be able to hug and walk away with gratitude for what has been. But that’s just how I see it, and I know not many share my vision.

 

I do like a theme tho’, so I had to dress the part..

 

This sweater is so cute with the details of transparent hearts.. It’s from H&M Divided years ago.

 

I think today is a day to be grateful for the fact that I live in a country where the women before me battled for womens’ rights and therefore I can live a life where I don’t NEED a man to have financial freedom or be able to walk around safely, that I can dress how I want and fuck who I want, that I can choose the career I wish (if I ever figure that part out) and that I can opt out on things like giving birth to ten children because my only worth in life is that I have a womb.. I am grateful for my mum who walked out of an unhappy marriage (even if I hated her for it back then, but I didn’t get the full picture) and who’s always been the best rolemodel I could wish for as an independent, strong woman.

 

It’s also a day for me to be grateful that I’m not stuck in a relationship that isn’t happy or healthy, that I don’t have to deal with someone who’s toxic because he happens to be my baby daddy, and that if the right person happens to come in my way down the road I am completely free to go all-in in that..

 

If you are single today, I hope you join me celebrating this day like I do 🤗 Make yourself a good drink, order take-out, pop a bag of popcorn and put on good music, and celebrate your relationship with the most important person in your life- and that’s you! Sure, I am a complicated person and battling a lot of demons, but heck I’ve been and keep being there for me and that counts for something!

 

 

Either way, happy V-day ❤️

 

It’s funny how I can strip down right in front of your eyes

And still you don’t really see me

I’ve been lying to myself I guess

Telling myself I can do without

Someone who actually gives a shit

That there is a universe inside my mind

Someone who still pays attention

When the action is over and I’m back in my clothes

It seems that to a lot of men

The fact that I have a brain is beyond their comprehension

 

Or maybe they just don’t care

Cum in my mouth, then shut up bitch

But lately that mouth seem to twitch

from the words I feel the need to spit

Bite my lip

Crack the whip against my hip

Yeah I’ll hurt you- no guilt trip

Tell you just how little you really mean to me, no censorship

I bet you think you do the trick

Ey, I am your gloryhole in the wall, and you you’re just a dick

 

Let’s not, let’s not pretend

The only thing I’ll do for you is bend

Ain’t no breaking hearts in this

We both know we feel nothing

It’s just desire

That’s how we’re wired

But lately I’ve been tired

Orgasms are great, but they don’t last long enough

To justify

Let’s not pretend, babe

Don’t even try

I’m so damn good at telling when you lie

 

I always said I’m enough for me

Truth is I’m more than I can handle actually

But this woman sure loves to be free

It’s just this dreadful feeling

that no one really hear or see or feel me

I’m just not vibing with my species

Maybe I should be locked up with the monkeys in the Zoo, throwing feices

Life does tend to feel like a cage

And everyone loves a magic dragon that gives ‘em what they want but

ain’t a damn soul who wants to be around her when she lets out her rage

 

I’m just a pornstar, I just do the kinda loving that’s fake

If I had some real love between my hands

that’s probably more than I could take

I always say I’m heartless, that there’s nothing to break

So let’s go again tonight

and I’ll turn on the light

and I’ll moan and scream, make a real good scene

and act like you really do tempt me

But goddamn do I feel hollow and empty

 

Let’s not pretend

1,2,3 ACTION

You come, I come, it’s satisfaction

But still, it’s a game

And I wonder sometimes in the middle of it

Why I’m thinking of someone else’s name

And you, you probably do the same

 

Pornstar lovers, we are pornstar lovers

Doing pornstar lovin’

Two people who fuck when they feel like giving in

At least there’s no need for forgiving

We ain’t much but we do the trick

I’m your gloryhole in the wall, and you you’re just a dick

Fuck until we both sore

Ain’t none of us admitting that

we crave for more

 

Pornstar lovin’

It’s just pornstar lovin’

 

 

I was afraid that with the re-occuring suicidal thoughts I’ve experienced, this was the beginning of another severe period of depression. But I am grateful (and quite proud!) to say that I’ve managed to do some conscious choices and worked real hard on my mindset, and I didn’t fall all the way down to the basement and beyond- I’ve made some really good days for myself and I feel good 😊

 

Today’s basic bitch (I have come to terms with the fact that I am definitely one when it comes to style 😅) outfit:

And if I add anything else to my closet in 2022 it is DEFINITELY something with bold colors ‘Cuz there is enough neutrals for sure!

Cardigan is from H&M, found on sale at 100 NOK. T-shirt is by Lindex some years ago.

Bag is Alexander Wang, coat is also H&M, from their january sale 3 years ago. I knew that if I went for white, I would stain it- and of course, I did 😅 Haven’t bothered to try and remove it yet, doesn’t show when I close it anyway. Other than that I’m really happy with this color, I prefer anything but black for winter clothes- it’s enough dark surrounding us as it is this time of the year!

 

Jewellery game of the day: Snake ring from H&M, vintage watch that doubles as a bracelet from Halston, and a real bullet-necklace I found on Ebay years ago. I’m NOT pro-guns, actually hate the concept of being able to take someone elses life just by a little pull of a finger- BUT I have been ready to die at several points of my life and there might come a time again when I decide enough is enough. I don’t want to grow old no matter what, and if my health should decline to a point where all I do is suffer, then I might want to just end it. Death will come to all who lives, and sometimes it can be a mercy. This pendant remains me of that: I am free to live, but I am also free to die.. It helps me in times when life gets rough and I hurt so much it’s almost unbearable- I choose to endure it.

 

Finally learned how to do a more subtle makeup, it was always either full dragshow or nothing for me, but now I’m able to do just a few touches and then I leave the brushes alone 😅 So just some bronze & highlight, a little eyeshadow and a winged eyeliner today.

 

Haven’t been drawing anything for ages, but this weekend I just had to do it, my fingers were itching! My babygirl asked me to do a sketch for her studio (she’s a rapper, and a really good one!) but I never got around to it- until now. AND I want a snake-tatt on my damn face now more than ever 😂

 

Other than that I’ve been a human slide for my oldest nephew (REALLY wish I had pics or a video to show you that haha- we had FUN) and I’m just spending time with my closest and having quality time ❤️ Hope you’ve had a good weekend too 🌹

I can’t find the words. They’ve always been there for me, maybe not when the world collapses, when the pain is all I can feel, when the darkness creeps inside my skull and makes me go blind and deaf and numb, or when the madness takes over and turn me into my worst nightmare. But I know they exist somewhere, that I can claw and peel until they come back to me. Just like when I first learned how to write. It’s about trying and trying and eventually you force them to make sense.

 

I think I discovered as a child; that if I could express it, then maybe I could survive it. Even if it was just saying it to myself. Words can be a lifeline. First they got me in trouble. They made shit worse. Way worse. And sometimes it’s best to shut up. Stay quiet. But the harder they made it, the louder I screamed. I’ve always been stupid like that. And then I spent years not saying much. There wasn’t really anyone that were interested in listening. So I started writing the damn words down, just for me. They became my allies. They became the lifeline.

But lately I’ve felt like they fail me. Or like they are not enough. I write it down, the ugly, the messy, the hurt, my fears, my regrets, my shame. And I look at them, and I get pissed, because they are just words, they are just MY words, and they came from me but do they really give me anything in return besides just fucking being there? And then I wonder if someone reads them, would they even know what they mean? Do they get what I’m trying to say, what I’m trying to cope with, do they understand what they mean? What I mean? Or do they just think «Oh, the bitch is crazy again». And I never used to care what anyone would think about my damn words, they were MINE and honestly I don’t think anyone really listen to me anyway. And I thought I had made my peace with that. Just talking to myself, just throwing the damn words out into the pitch black infinite Universe, because I am alone in it. I don’t know why I am saying that when I can see the rest of you, all of the human race, but I am alone in it. I don’t know, maybe that’s what all 7 billions of us deep down feel, that we are ultimately alone. I hope it’s just me. I hope it’s just me right now. It’s just that I felt it as a kid too. And kids tend to see things as they are.

Alone in that dark room, and just my trembling voice. But it was still my voice. I heard it. I heard what I had to say. I HAD something to say.

 

I was invisible. But the words made me visible to myself. That’s what they used to be for me. I’ve lost myself so many times, in so many ways, but I clawed, I peeled until I could find the words- the lifeline- and if I could string them together, if I could make them make sense to me again, then they could make sense of ME again.

But now, now somehow they are not enough. They are just my damn words, my repetitive empty words, and I had to claw and peel until my fingers bled for them to even be there. And I stare at them and stare at them and then they don’t even make sense anymore, I can’t tell if I’m making sense anymore, because there is just me to make sense of them.

 

My empty words. My empty words that I can arrange however the fuck I want and still they can’t see me, can’t hold me, can’t love me, can’t tell me that after all is said and done and written down I am still me. They are my words, and that doesn’t matter anymore. They don’t matter anymore. There is no one to read them, there is no one to say «I understand what you clawed and peeled to say» there is no one to say.. Say anything at all. And maybe that’s the thing here, my own words are just that- my own, and I think I really yearn for someone else to say them. For someone else to make sense of things, make sense of life, make sense of ME.

 

I am alone in a dark room, and I say nothing. I am invisible. I am invisible and I am still here, and that’s the worst thing. I am still here.

 

 

It’s been dawning on me that I am growing older REALLY fast, and soon I’ll be an old woman 😅 The time to have fun with makeup, hair and style is now or never! Ok, I don’t really agree about that statement, because honestly it’s never too late- but who knows if I have the ladyballs at 40-50-60 to do whatever I want in regards to my looks- and heck, who even knows if I make it there!

 

I always knew what I liked in terms of style, but I haven’t always had the guts to just wear whatever I wanted. I think I associated dressing up as saying «Look at me», and people looking at me has always triggered massive anxiety. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. You’ve probably heard about the «spotlight effect», someone with anxiety are prone to this, thinking everyone will stare at you and judge you- it’s a really weird phenomenon when I think about it: You have the lowest self-esteem and feel worthless, at the same time your head tells you you’re so special that everyone notice you 🤷‍♀️ Well, I’ve finally realised most people don’t give a shit how strangers they pass on the street looks. It’s such a sense of freedom, just wearing whatever I want and feel comfortable in, and it’s such a nice feeling that I really am quite invisible, because we all walk around in out own little bubble most of the time.

 

I’ve also realised that my style isn’t really that out there at all- and I am actually pretty boring and basic 😂 I had to go through my closet, because I was like «Where are all the edgy pieces I thought I had??» and I came to conclusion that it’s all actually classic, safe choices.. Maybe it just felt brave over ten years ago when I was still rather young- investing in timeless classic pieces when everyone else my age was more trend-oriented 🤷‍♀️

 

Anyway, «basic bitch»-look of the day:

 

Feel like this t-shirt is pretty relevant right now.. (unfortunately always)

I’m obsessed with facetatts, and I wanna get one sooo bad! I want a snake more than anything, but I’m afraid that if I get it done everyone will think I’m having a manic episode and I’ll be forcibly admitted to the hospital 😅

 

 

Bag is Marc Jacobs (second-hand)

 

Don’t come for my hairstyle, I’m hopeless with hair and this is pretty much how advanced it’s gonna get!

 

A lot of bling going on today 😅 The claw ring is from Wish– I love it, makes me feel like a velociraptor 🦖 (Aware that this emoji is a T-rex 🤓) Minimalist<Maximalist.

 

 

Wish you a good day from this unflattering angle 😎

Not doing this for exposure

It’s me using needle and thread, and my own words..

Giving myself closure

🎵

I was so brave for you

I stretched myself thin for you

My loyalty ment nothing

Or maybe you thought it’d never break

I can put up with a lot

But I ain’t keeping something that’s fake

You do whatever it takes to get what you want

You always need to compete

You steal, you lie, you cheat

Anything to attain something new to flaunt

🎵

I sincerely hope you enjoy the life you’re flashing

Still, no form of success is everlasting

You look down on me, I get it-

You never will tho’:

I don’t want to be like you

Nah, I don’t wanna be like you

🎵

I still remember how you said I should be jealous

Like I ever wanted what you have

Your life always seemed like such a cage to me

Working so damn hard to keep up the appearance

Always in need of something new to show off

I only want the feeling of being free

The only one I depend on for that

Is me

🎵

Now I see clearly, we were never really close

You just kept me around, thinking I’d make you shine brighter

«We’re like sisters» you wrote, but now I’m holding a lighter

That paper is burning now, so is the bridge between us

Thanks for trying to throw me under the bus

There’s nothing left to do

The knife in my back, I’m pulling it out

And handing it, all bloody, back to you

Wounds heal

But there’s nothing to be done about a friend that ain’t for real

🎵

All your education, still you pull this petty shit like some 6 year old on the playground

You just told me you really hate me without making a sound

No degree can teach you class

Never thought you’d stoop this low tho’

Sorry, I ain’t up for kissing ass

You keep talking about me like I’m trash

Our bond is burning, you drew a broken heart in the ash

Hoping you’d break mine, but it ain’t made of glass

And then you reach out a hand, and get surpised when I pass

You crossed the line, old friend turned foe

I didn’t even know there was a beef, but now I know

I always thought you were stunning, but there’s a real ugly side to you and thank god that you finally put it out for show

🎵

There she goes, the self-proclaimed queen

She ain’t as confident as she may seem

You don’t treat others like that if you got real self esteem

🎵

You’ll never get it, I don’t wanna be like you

I don’t want your mortgage, your marriage, your student loan..

Why would I want your life, when I have my own?

Keep your flashy things, your fancy titles

Don’t want your man, your house, your cars

I don’t need that shit, I am fine as long as I have my mind, and even when I lose it there is some lesson I can find..

I hope you’re happy with your life, ‘Cuz if I were you I’d feel like I was living behind bars

🎵

I could have forgiven, if you’d provide me with a honest ‘why’

But the words you spoke came from a place of plain arrogance and selfishness

I’m not bitter- I just think I deserve better

This is not revenge.

It’s goodbye

 

 

 

 

I got caught in a negative loop of destructive thoughts again, it’s been a while since I had suicidal thoughts but the last days they’ve re-occurred. I have been very toxic towards myself, trashtalking myself to the point where it does not seem to be a point anymore. Argh, why do I have to go there, I want to be positive, I want to love life- but it doesn’t come easily for me. It’s so easy to go back to well-known patterns of selfdestructive behaviour, but honestly: No one can break me like I can. I am so sick of being my own worst enemy and standing in my own way of happiness.

But I talked to a really wise woman (❤️), and she made a very valid point: «You’ve been doing this for what, almost all your life- you can’t expect to change it in just a few weeks». It will require a lot of work, I have to stop in my destructive tracks and tell myself that here I go again, knowing SO well this is not doing me any good. How can I shift this and talk to myself with compassion and understanding instead,  and what can I do for myself that will make me feel better? A list of things that can do the trick:

 

– Go for a walk in the daylight

– Be social, pay full attention to someone else

– Make good food

– Send a message to someone and ask how they are doing

– Write down or say outloud what I’m grateful for.

– Music, always 🥰

– Be creative

– Give someone else heartfelt compliments (and do the same to myself!)

– Take care of my surroundings, keep my  home clean and tidy- because I deserve it.

– Dress up and do my makeup for the fun of it.

 

I did the last one today, and initially I did not feel like it at all (because I’ve told myself I’m useless and ugly and a failure, and there is no point in anything) BUT it really does something to me to actually put in an effort, and I found the motivation to go out and have coffee with friends. It also helped to open up about how I’m feeling, you don’t get advice if people don’t know you’re struggling ❤️

 

 

Pearl necklace is vintage, belt is also vintage/ inherited from a relative. Velvet sweater I found at H&M years ago.

 

Had to take pictures in front of the window to really show what a vibrant shade of blue it is, the velvet fabric really adds to this.

 

 

Love this coat maybe a little too much 😅 All my male friends hate it, but that just makes me dig it more. It’s so warm and cozy!

 

 

 

 

Bag is Versace, found it secondhand! It’s really unique, and the leather is SO soft.

 

I have a collection of these animal rings from China, didn’t even pay a full dollar for each of them, but the quality and craftmanship is SO good! I’ve had them for well over 10 years, and they are still in pristine condition.

 

 

I have to be really strict with myself going forward. Strict, but also friendly. Why should we accept talking to ourselves in a way we would never have the audacity to say to someone else? I’ve always been everyone else’s cheerleader and biggest hype queen- It’s about time I give myself the same support.

 

Also I think I’ll post the «aggressive» lyrics I talked about in a previous post- simply because I want to move on from it. I give myself the right to feel hurt and angry about something I’d never expect from someone that used to be really close to me- It was such a shit way to tell me the friendship is over, that I don’t matter anymore (and I suspect I never did). If I put it here it is a way for me to say it outloud, and I think I need to. But when it’s done, I am done. Moving on!

 

Wish you a good evening 🌹