This weekend have been a slacker when it comes to outfits, makeup and hair- but sometimes you need that too.. I didn’t really feel like dressing up or going to parties, but in hinsight maybe I should have- ‘Cuz I’ve been in a mental dump and my thoughts have been pretty negative, and when that happens it can help to shake things up a bit, get out and meet new people, have some fun..
I was social, at least in theory- but the thing about hanging out with family is that it’s kinda accepted to be there but not really be there: Like sleeping on the couch or being glued to your phone- and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Oh, but i changed two diapers tho’! I’m really afraid when it comes to handling babies (I’m clumsy and clueless, and they are so small and fragile!) but I really want to be an auntie that can help out- so I wanna learn this! I never really got the hang of it with my oldest nephew, he would say «I want Suja to change my diaper!» and a lot of times I would just feel like nah you don’t ‘Cuz auntie Suja doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing and it will take for ever and maybe I will mess it up and you’ll be sore or leaking and GAH I can’t handle this», but I always told myself that EVENTUALLY I will manage it like a pro- but then you know what: Kids grow up real fast, and suddenly he was done with diapers alltogether and because I copped out most of the times I never got the hang of it. Not gonna make the same mistake twice!!
But man, you should see me in action, you’d think I was performing open heart surgery or something- I might take it a liiiittle too serious 😅 But ah, babies- they are SO tiny and helpless, I think it’s so miraculous how most first-time mothers just feel comfortable and like they know what their doing just by instinct straight away-I’d be freaked out 24/7/365!!!
This sweater is an old fav, I think a pug’s (is it a pug??) face resemble my face a lot 😂 Same nose, and I have those lines from nose to mouth- haha! So if I ever do feel ready for a kid, I’ll just get a pug 😜
This bag is really cool, it can double as a mini-backpack and I love the lion head. I prefer motives from nature and the animal-kingdom when it comes to prints, details, logos etc.. I mean that is where true beauty is! Found it seconhand, it’s from Topshop originally.
Tomorrow it’s back to work.. I’ve received some really great feedback from my boss & co-workers, and I’ll be honest and say I’m kinda shocked, because I’ve not been satisfied with my own performance- but it feels really good (although a bit surreal) and maybe I just have to be a little more easy on myself. If I keep this up I’m gonna ruin the whole experience for myself and just feel bad about something that should and could be an opportunity to grow and learn a lot from.. Progress, NOT perfection!
I’ve completed some lyrics this weekend, but for the first time I’m not sure if I dare to post it here.. It’s about a really painful personal experience and realising someone you thought you were close to really does not care about or value you at all, betrayal and backstabbing, and I think it’s the first time I’ve written something where I’ve let myself not just feel hurt, but angry too.
I feel like anger is maybe the least accepted emotion, especially for women. Don’t clap back, don’t raise your voice, patch things up, let it go.. Always try to UNDERSTAND, accept, forgive and forget..
But there is a form of integrity in anger, in being able to say «You seriously hurt me, I expected more from you, this is actually worth my response, I have right to feel how I feel about the situation, you walked all over me and of course that upsets me!»
And in allowing yourself to actually let go of people that does something to you that you’d never do to them.
Realising that maybe you are the loyal and true friend here, and that the other person may not deserve you.
Letting yourself feel that anger, and not tell yourself that it is ‘petty’ or you are being a ‘bitch’ (man I hate that word)..
Poetry as therapy, that’s my motto. Maybe I’ll just write it on a piece of paper and burn it.
I’ve had my share of depressive periods. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no point with my existence several times. I’ve choked, I’ve jumped, I’ve burned, I’ve bled, I’ve overdosed. I have cursed at my saviours, cursed my own body for fighting to keep my alive when it felt like my spirit had died. I’ve given up. Given up, and then get back on my feet. But to actually map out where I am supposed to go, is really hard for me to do.
I don’t know what it is, that my soul is craving for.
I have always dreamed of finding something within me that I can label «potential». Something I can build on until I feel «worthy». Something that can make me feel like I’m of use. Something that can justify that I am here. Taking up the space, the resources.. Sometimes I think about it, if someone else had been born in my place- what would they have accomplished by now that I haven’t, that I might never will..?
This damned dark head.
Spent so many years like a living dead. Made it through so much. Not always sure, if it was worth it.
Stronger people than me have broken. Stronger people than me have come to the conclusion that life just ain’t worth living (have to put those lines in a song).
I have such an amazing family of strong, hard-working people with the best hearts. And then there is me, this complicated difficult hopeless loser that never seems to find her way, never makes the right decisions, never really get anywhere. Who sometimes become this deranged lunatic, disturbing everyone’s lives and everyone’s peace of mind. I know I am a burden, and not a blessing. I know that loving me sometimes turns into hate.
I have so much that I need to compensate for, but I can never seem to find a formula that works. I am always heading head first into a wall. It always feels like I’m not doing enough. I can never reach the woman I want to be, I’m not even sure if I can envision her anymore.
I just know that she is strong and brave. She’s someone you can lean on, depend on, trust.
I want to be her for you. I want to be her for me.
I just don’t know the steps to take, to get there.
But I will try. Fail. And try again.
There’s still time. There’s still hope. There’s still a will, a desire, a determination.
I just may need a reminder, when life slaps me across the face again.
So I leave these words here. I might need them.
Death will embrace me in the end regardless; but until then: I will live this one scary, messy, challenging, sometimes ugly sometimes beautiful thing called life.
Said it before, I’ll say it again: My latest manic episode was hella expensive and I did a lot of not so deliberate purchases.. The worst part is that I went all in as a not-that-cut-out-for-the-job-Santa and got my family a lot of useless crap they didn’t even want- sorry ‘bout that you guys!
I decided not to include the manic buys in this post, because the episode lasted from the end of 2020 to the beginning of 2021, and I have no idea what I purchased when- and also..
I’m so ashamed that it even happened 😔 It was my first time completely losing control in the spending department (although it is a very common manic trait) but I can’t really do anything but learn from it. And I need those in charge of treating my illness to do the same, if I’m full blown manic- take away my rights! My phone, my card, my laptop! It’s SO important to make these choices when you deal with a manic patient, people can risk getting in serious debt and it is so unnecessary! In my habitual state I am usually quite good with my personal economy, and I rarely do an impulse buy.. But fuck, it happened and I can’t undo it.
Anyway, here they are, the sane 2021-additions to my closet:
Sequin pants from Selected femme, I’ve wanted a pair of blingy, sequin gold pants for years and finally found these in an outlet- the price was 300 NOK
This jacket by Free/quent I found on the salesrack, it used to be 599 NOK and I got it for a whopping 100.. The saleswoman said «That must be the deal of the day» and I was like.. YUP! I love the color, the fancy buttons, that it is both dressy and casual depending on how you style it and also it’s really timeless.
Box clutch I found on sale at H&M, 150 NOK. Snakeprint? Love! And the detail with the pearl as the opening mechanism? Ah, love it when the cheap chainstores makes special pieces with well thought-out details like this, I feel like this bag could easily have been designed by one of the biggest fashion houses!
Combat boots from Koi footwear/Zalando: I love everything that has neat details, like the piercings on these shoes! It makes them so unique. It’s rare I buy anything at full price, but these were the reward from taking a really challenging class in the fall of 2021- I paid 829 NOK for these and do not regret, they are really solid and perfect for Norwegian winters!
A pair of boyfriend and a pair of skinny jeans from H&M. I gained a lot of weight in 2021 due to being hospitalized; inactive and heavily medicated, so I had to buy new jeans. I don’t care what the trendsetters say, I will NOT give up on skinny jeans! They are so flattering, and practical when it comes to pairing them with any kind of shoes. Skinny jeans & me, that’s a forever-thing.
I love statement earrings, all of these are from H&M. Think the price for the ‘waterfall’ ones were 50 and 99 NOK, and the pearl ones was also 50 NOK on sale.
Shades 99 NOK, from H&M. A classic!
This glitter cut-out dress is also from H&M, I got it for New year’s eve, but I think it will be a cool dress for spring/summer as well, sun light really does sparkling items like this justice!
Army boots from Mjus/Zalando, 1535 NOK.. I wanted these for a long time, got them as a birthday present for myself at last.
Shoes by Raid/Zalando, 159 NOK. Love the buckles, and the pointy toes.
Ok as I wrap this post up, all I can say is this was more items than I expected. I have already done some purchases in january this year, so I’m missing out on 2022 as a completely no spend-year, but I’m trying to get through all of february without buying anything, and I really want to prolong that. The ideal would be to go through the rest of the year without adding more stuff to my wardrobe. Maybe I can do it? There’s some vintage pieces up on Ebay that I’ve really wanted, but I have denied myself even checking if they are still available 😅 I think that would be my biggest challenge, ‘Cuz they live rent free in my mind! But you have enough clothes, woman!!! And there’s just ONE planet Earth!
I know I talk a lot about investing in timeless, classy pieces that you can have forever, but sometimes it is fun to be a little crazy right..? And I was DEFINITELY certified crazy when I purchased these: In the midst of a hefty manic episode and should not have access to online shopping.. But that’s what happened and when I was out of it and I realised I’d bought these faux leather overalls I just thought «Ok, might as well rock it».
At 34 years old, some may say that youth is behind me but I respectfully disagree! I think I still have time to dress a little ‘out there’, and what’s fun with experimenting with clothes is it makes you more open to experiment with makeup and hair as well- Hello, space buns!
Faux fur from H&M last season, also a manic purchase.. I’ve written a statement that is in my mother’s care for the next time bipolar hijacks my brain, and it says «Do not let me have access to my phone or Visa», it’s pretty common with mania that you spend a LOT of money very recklessly, I haven’t really been doing this- until this latest episode. I felt really bad for it, but can only take it as a lesson. I’m sorry to all the people that got gifted a lot of shitty useless crap from me and my manic brain..
Anyway, today I was supposed to be at work and then meet a friend- but I didn’t get enough sleep and when I got out of bed I experienced a drop in blood pressure (is that the right translation?? Norsk: Blodtrykksfall), it’s been happening to me every now and then after I started on medication for my bipolar illness, and it’s so uncomfortable! It starts ringing in my head, my sight gets blurry, I feel like I go deaf.. iIn the beginning I was convinced that now I’ll die, ‘Cuz that’s what it feels like- the whole body just shuts down and if I don’t lay down immediatly I’ll pass out. I’m so scared it will happen to me when I’m not at my own home!
I felt really faint afterwards, so had to call in sick and cancel with my friend. And then I slept like a rock for hours.. Fuckkkk! My sleep schedule was starting to get on point, now I’m afraid I’ve screwed it up again.. But I just have to keep working on it. Today was a little bump in the road, I’m not gonna let it escalate.
Have a good thursday night- It’s almost the weekend! 🌹
Today was a ‘no effort’ day, you know- can barely bother to brush my hair and teeth- kinda morning. But it’s okay, ‘cuz I went swimming! I’ve mentioned it before but it’s such a huge step for me! I’ve had so much anxiety, and a lot of it has centered around how insecure I’ve been about my physical appearance (I probably had Body Dysmorphic disorder, it was so severe). I think I’ll try to do this once a week for a while, swimming is a really good exercise to start with after such a long inactive period, it’s easy on the joints and there is something about being in water that just feels very.. Zen, is maybe the right word.
Let’s not talk about my sans makeup face, I’m NOT a natural beauty that’s for sure!
I’ve been thinking of doing a no spending month, that means NO shopping for february (obviously food and bills, but nothing else). The only thing is I’ve got my eyes on a pair of really affordable earrings from H&M, I saw them in store months ago but I’ve never gotten to buying them. And I’m a little worried they will sell out 😅 And then I get pissed at myself for it, ‘cuz honestly I can live without them. But have you ever seen something you really liked, but decided to sit out on it, and then years later it will pop up in your head and you’re like ‘Argh’..? Or is that just me..? In other cases I’ll forget all about it, but there are some things that just says «I’m made for you» and I kinda want to limit my possessions and the stuff I get to only those pieces. In my experience that are the ones that sticks with you and get worn the hell outta.
The funny thing is my laptop crashed after 11 years of heavy use, but I don’t think it will be a problem living without a laptop for a while 😅 But a pair of cheap earrings, oh lord.. I’m wired weirdly.
But you know what, I’m sticking to the plan and I’ll do this- No spend february it is! I will be brutally honest, and if I fail- I’ll admit to it.
Didn’t realise until I started posting outfits how boring my style is most of the time 😅 A lot of neutrals and classics, for some reason I thought the majority of my wardrobe was the ‘crazy’ stuff, but I see now that’s not the case: I am in fact very vanilla!
I do love the little details though. Found this studded knitted sweater on sale at H&M some years ago.
My bestfriend gave me this beanie 🥰 «It fits you, you crazy viking» 😂
Shoes are by Mjus, found them on Zalando. You can probably guess it; It was the metal deets that had me sold 😅
Beside running some errands and baking a bread, I haven’t done much today. I struggle a lot with falling asleep at a reasonable time at night, and I think it may have something to do with not being active enough during the day. I should REALLY get into working out more, but it’s difficult to find the motivation. I’ve started just doing 10 minutes, I guess it’s better than nothing.. But I am considering getting a gym-membership and gradually get back to intense work-outs. I used to love it, but my body has forgotten about that 😅
And if I do get a membership at a gym, I’d have to sacrifice some (really bad) habits- like not smoking so much (Yeah, I’m that idiot..) in order to afford it- but that would be a win-win so.. I should just get to it right away, I know.. I also want to challenge myself and get out of the comfort zone, and the gym has always been a place I have to face my anxiety so..
I’ll just give myself a little bit of time since I’ve just returned to work, it’s a big change and I don’t want to rush it- baby steps and all that. I’ll focus on tackling one thing at a time, but my goal is to build brick by brick- and live a life I can be satisfied with calling my own. That’s the plan!
