A song I have hesitated to publish, because well.. It’s about something bigger than me and my own emotions.. If you comment on this, you need to know I do not support neither the brutality of IDF or the cynicism of Hamas… But in the end, I will ALWAYS be pro for the human race to find better solutions than war, bloody war. That is a hill I am willing to die on!

Since the dawn of man..?

Since history was written down..

We’ve been pitted against each other..

Do we murder each other just because we so easily can..?

How can we pretend like we didn’t all come from the SAME first woman and man?

How can we forget that the human race is really one big family..?

I say this as a crazy person: War is the very definition of complete and utter INSANITY

Why can’t we live in peace?

Why can’t we solve our damn shit civilized?

Is any war worth it when you take into account how many lives were sacrificed?

Why do we resort to violent solutions that doesn’t really solve jack shit, 

We throw in bombs and tanks and mines that just escalates it.

Hate breeds hate, that’s just the nature of it.

We teach our children not to kill each other,

then they grow up and we make them join armies-

Can someone please make sense of it?

You want war, but for what?

We’ve fought each other since sticks and stones.

Now we’re at the point where our bombs are even melting bones..

Can someone tell me how this is using wit?

Can someone please, please, please make sense of it?

You want war, but for what?

I saw this little girl from Gaza on the news, she said

«When people die they don’t come back»

and you can argue against Hamas or IDF

but you can’t argue against that.

And what kinda world do we live in when the children,

not their leaders- are the ones spitting facts?

All I know, is a life you take you can’t give back,

so I’m just asking:

War, war, war, but for what?

One more time, say it with me: War for what?

So these old men in power, they need soldiers, they sacrifice the young.

Someone else’s child, forced to face the gun.

For glory, for land, for revenge- for the old wicked man,

but I’m just asking, how is it worth it in the end?

The dead remain dead, we’ll never bring them back again.

So I’m just asking: War, war, war, but for what?

War for what?

All I know is, every life that is sacrificed, is a life you can’t give back..

So war, war, war; but for what?

War for what?!

The dead remains dead, and even if you win your war- they don’t come back.

They don’t come back!

How do you send people to war, like their lives are just sitting on a shelf..?

It should be a written rule that if you start a war you gotta fight in it yourself!

War, war, war, but for what?

War for what?

War, war war

FOR WHAT

Jeg pleier ikke å gjøre så mye av denne typen innlegg, men tenkte jeg skulle prøve å gjøre en liten oppsummering av hvordan det går for tiden- uten å pakke det inn i vers og refreng som jeg egentlig er mest komfortabel med.

Jeg har jo hatt en tung depresjon, som har vart leeenge.. Først på nyåret kjente jeg at den begynte å slippe taket litt, og så har det vært noen måneder der jeg liksom har vaklet litt. Det har fortsatt vært tunge tanker og følelsen av å være stuck, selv om jeg har gått all-in for å virkelig begynne å leve igjen. Noe av det kjipeste med å lide av alvorlig sykdom er jo gjerne at det blir noen vonde brudd med mennesker som ikke orker å følge deg i livet lenger, og akkurat det har vært veldig vanskelig å faktisk sørge meg ferdig over.. Det er jo umulig å ikke ta noe sånt personlig, når venner og familie ikke orker deg lenger. Jeg skjønner det jo. Men det er fortsatt jævlig sårt. Og det går inn på selvtilliten og selvfølelsen, sånn skikkelig. Jeg tror noe av det absolutt vondeste jeg har følt på i livet, er den følelsen av at man bare ikke er mulig å være glad i.

Jeg har tenkt litt på det egentlig, at romantisk kjærlighetssorg hører og ser man mye om, det er utallige filmer og sanger om det. Men sorgen over å miste venner og familie, det snakkes ikke så mye om. Men det er jo noe de fleste opplever egentlig, av så mange ulike årsaker. Det er ikke noe man er alene om, men det føles gjerne sånn.. Vel, jeg ville bare si det egentlig. At det skjer, at det er vondt og vanskelig. Jeg synes personlig det har vært vanskeligere å navigere gjennom enn klassisk kjæreste-brudd..

Men ja, over til noe mer positivt: På nyåret kjente jeg skikkelig på at nå må jeg gjøre NOE. Så jeg har tatt to kurs på henholdsvis Helsehuset Stavanger og Jæren Recovery College og kan varmt anbefale begge deler. De har flere ulike kurs og det er lavterskel for å melde seg på, og opplegget er veldig bra. Har også søkt meg inn til en lokal bedrift som har mulighet for å tilrettelegge for de utfordringene jeg har, lang ventetid dessverre men får jeg plass der så har jeg muligens en JOBB for resten av livet, og kan også få mulighet til å ta diverse fagbrev, og ja.. Jeg håper INDERLIG at jeg får denne sjansen, og ikke om så alt for lenge heller, men her må jeg bare smøre meg med tålmodighet.

Også trener jeg flere ganger i uka, det er virkelig balsam for sjelen- vel, med et lite unntak. Jeg har vel nevnt noe om det før, men jeg har slitt med spiseforstyrrelser og eget kroppsbilde/syn veldig før, og det har kanskje blusset litt opp igjen nå som jeg trener jevnlig- at jeg blir litt mer kritisk til kroppen min egentlig, og det er jo en dum ting.. Må innrømme at jeg har hatt noen tilfeller med overspising/oppkast- bulimi altså, men det har bare vært et par ganger og jeg tror jeg har det under kontroll nå. Greia er jo at jeg faktisk VIL ha litt fettprosent på kroppen, jeg synes hofter, pupper og rumpe er FINT og vil egentlig ikke krympe så mye mer der, hehe. Samtidig så er det vanskelig å ikke irritere seg over den fettansamlingen som sitter igjen nederst på magen, vet da faen hvordan jeg blir kvitt den uten å bli helt planke! Æsj, akkurat der er jeg sjalu på dere menn altså. Dere har liksom ingenting dere må ofre ved å gå all-in på treningsfronten, hehe.

Så ja, det var vel livet mitt per dags dato. Ikke verst, alt tatt i betraktning, og jeg føler endelig at jeg kan la meg selv være sånn skikkelig glad og fornøyd. Det føles så bra at jeg har kommet hit helt selv, tatt mine egne valg og gjort forandringer- sånt er jo alltid litt skummelt. Jeg tror det som har skremt meg mest tidligere er tanken på å virkelig prøve hardt å forandre livet mitt bare for å innse at jeg fortsatt ikke klarer å ha det bra. Nå vet jeg liksom at jo, jeg klarer det. Det er en satans stor prestasjon for meg i hvert fall!

Også må jeg bare si at det vanskeligste med absolutt ALLE innlegg er hva faen slags bilde man skal legge til (MÅ jeg fortsatt ha bilder på alle innlegg, Patrick?!) og ja alle er sikkert drittlei grisetrynet mitt for lenge siden, men hva ellers har man alltid tilgjengelig egentlig..? Ikke svar noen pikante kroppsdeler nå, haha. Tro det eller ei, men jeg HAR enda litt skam igjen i livet.. Men ja, om noen har noen kreative tips her så hyl ut. Jeg føler i hvert fall at det må være bilder jeg har tatt selv, vi er ganske opptatt av copyright her i gården 😉

Med det runder jeg av. Håper alle har en grei start på uka, og at resten også blir fin!

Been asking myself:

So are you in or are you out?

You know damn well I ain’t in this for the clout

Annonsørinnhold

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I can’t hype myself up no more

I said «hasta la vista» to the little hope I had left and I sent it out the door

Don’t really feel like keeping on going anymore

Welcome to summer of 24’!

It’s summer and I’m sad

Days are longer, and I am hurting bad

It’s too bright outside

It’s too damn dark in my mind, in my mind

Summer of ‘24 and as usual I’m falling behind, behind

So am I in or am I out

I feel like I got one foot in the grave already

(argh it’s been in there for years)

I can’t see the point in pretty much anything

(argh, I wish I would run out of tears)

I don’t know how to describe what’s left of my life, but living it is heavy

(It’s so heavy!)

I feel like living so much larger, but I don’t know if I’m ready

God, how I fear that I’ll never be ready!

It’s summer, and I suppose I’m still a tad depressed

Days are longer, and it just makes me stressed

There’s too many people in the streets

I’ve been thinking of killing myself for weeks

Told ya it’s too dark in my mind, in my mind

Summer of ‘24 and as usual I’m falling behind

Should be busy having fun, but all I feel is doubt

This body doesn’t feel like mine and I’ve been wanting out

I feel like my whole life has been a fucking waste

I wish I could have it completely erased

It’s summer and I guess I’m a bummer

Days are longer, just makes my depression grow stronger

I can’t keep on living much longer

(I really don’t think I can live much longer)

As always it’s too damn dark in my mind, in my mind

It’s the summer of ‘24 and happiness is a feeling I can’t find

I just can’t find!

It’s the summer of ‘24 and all I can think is

I don’t think I wanna live anymore

But you know what, there will always be a key to death’s door

I guess life will always be some kind of heavy

I gotta live life NOW, screw it: I guess I’m ready!

It’s the summer of 24’

I am gonna keep going, I will open life’s door

I am going to live, and I am gonna live more!!

God sommer, alle sammen ❤️ Måtte alles mørke tanker vike for sommersola.. Let’s do this. Let’s live, and live more!

Talking to the dead beats talking to the wall

Lately I haven’t been talking much at all

People come and people go

It’s been 21 years since you died

Still I miss you so..

I just need you to know..

Is there a way these words can reach you?

You never failed me

You never betrayed me

You just died my dear

and I still love you

like I did when you were here

I still love you like I did when you were here!

It’s hard, being alive sometimes

I feel like I’m living in a cage of crimes

It’s true what they say, it’s the best ones who dies

If I said I was grateful that I’m still alive, it would only add to my lies

Bat dad, I really do try..

I’m so scared, that in the end you didn’t know

I loved you so deeply, but in the end- did it show?

You never failed me

You never hurt me

You just died my dear

I love you so much

That was always my worst fear

That you would die before me, my dear

I sometimes think that I buried my heart with you

When you died, I wanted to die too

Living on, that was so fucking hard to do

If I still have a heart, it’s been split in two

I just need you to know

Some things I just can’t let go

It was me who failed you, you know

I still cry because you aren’t here

Cry because you died and I wasn’t there

You never failed, you never hurt me

You just died my dear

You just died, my dear

I want you to know your kids are doing mostly alright

I see parts of you in all of them

and you know that mama always did believe

One day we all will meet again..

(Who knows, she could be right)

Sleep safe forever, I still hold you near

My love for you will never disappear

Take care of the part of my heart that belongs to you, my dear

..and dad, I really do try

When my lover starts talking ’bout the future

That’s when I know it’s time to pull the plug

I can barely handle the present moment

Annonsørinnhold

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Besides, there’s only so much I can sweep under the rug

I don’t think he’d like me very much if he knew about all the shit I’m hiding

Why does everybody talk about love like it’s some kinda magic

Isn’t the hard truth that love usually ends up some kinda tragic..?

Don’t give me grand romance

Don’t deliver me sweet words that in the end mean nothing

I want none of that, and if you try to give it: I want to trade

I don’t want a bouquet of roses, I want

I want deadly nightshade

I’ve never been able to plan ahead

When I try to visualize five years from now I always think by then I’ll be dead

I’ve never met a person who fit me like a glove

Got like a billion reasons why I don’t believe in love

Why does everybody crave love like it’s magic?

For me, just the thought of it makes me feel a overwhelming sense of panic..

Do not give me grand romance

and don’t you dare go down on one knee

I want none of it, and if you try to give it I want to trade

I don’t want champagne nor’ wedding bells, I want

I want deadly nightshade

Was there ever a time when I did believe in love?

Maybe, but that was just a part of being young and dumb

I’m not quite sure I’ve learned from past mistakes

I think they’ve just made me go numb

Maybe love IS magic, but for me it’s just never in season

When I think about it, I guess they call it “Fools in love” for a reason..

So no, I don’t want grand gestures of romance

I don’t want whispers in the ear and I don’t want to slow dance

I want none of that, and if you try to give it then I want to trade

I don’t want roses, I don’t want happily ever after, I want..

I want deadly nightshade

I want deadly nightshade