I should be sleeping.
But the last thing I tend to do before I close my eyes and drift off,
is to imagine your face, your hands, your body.
Damn, that face, those hands, that body. Damn all parts of you, that does not belong to me.
I have no right to do you like this in my head. But I do you in my head, still. Even though it’s poison for me. And I know so much better. But there’s parts of me that does not listen to reason and logic, parts of me that does not obey.
You flow like heroin in my veins, and when you hit my brain- damn that stupid thing loves it.
But I don’t love you.
I just crave you.
I always just need that one more hit.
There’s no real life within this unhealthy obsession. And if it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I want what is real.
And you will always be a paradox, a mystery, and you speak nothing but lies.
And I can never trust you again.
So you don’t deserve to be in my head tonight, not ever, and you for sure do not deserve the things I do to you in my head.
You used to like it. And I loved it.
But we have grown into two very different people. We are strangers now. Maybe we always were. I have this feeling that I’ve always been braver than you, when it comes to it. I never ran away from anything like you did. And I could shoulder your pain, but you only add to mine.
I didn’t need you back then. I don’t need you now. You betrayed me, but I did not- after all- betray myself. I thought so for a while, me losing my sanity, that it was because I couldn’t handle myself anymore. But now I think it was more the only option my poor brain was left with in a desperate situation. And I think I can trust myself again, after all these years of chaos and turmoil, because even though I’m insane there’s a part of me in there somewhere. And when madness spits me out again, when it’s done with me for this time around, I can reconnect.
But I cannot reconnect with you, because you are not really here anymore, and I am starting to think that you perhaps never really were.
That you are, that you always have been
Empty.. Hollow..
Just this beautiful shell.
And I should just let you sink to the bottom of the ocean
Instead of drowning with you in my head
