Seemed like such a good idea

I knew one thing for sure, you could handle all of me

Even the messed up parts not everyone can see

I don’t know anymore, if it was brave

or just plain stupid

Should I blame it on myself

Or can I blame it on Cupid

Perfect on paper, looked so perfect on paper

but..

I can’t do love as a faker

Perfect on paper,

but..

I’m no good at pretending

Perfect on paper,

but..

That’s also where it’s ending

Everyone said it; «You two make sense»

For so long I was on the fence

Then I decided to just dive right in

It felt kinda brave

Now it just feels stupid

I can only blame myself

I don’t have any faith in Cupid

Perfect on paper, looked so perfect on paper

but..

I can’t do love as a faker

Perfect on paper,

but..

I’m no good at pretending

Perfect on paper,

but..

That’s also where it’s ending

So here we are

We gave it a go, gave it all we got

It ended with a scar

Was it brave,

Was it stupid?

What the fuck do I even know, about this love-shit!

You’ll have to ask Cupid

Perfect on paper, looked so perfect on paper

but..

I can’t do love as a faker

Perfect on paper,

but..

I’m no good at pretending

Perfect on paper,

but..

That’s also where it’s ending

Hey there, doctor- in your prison of madness

I know I look wild now, but deep inside I just feel sadness

I know you think I’m completely insane

Well, at the moment I am-so..

It’s all fair game

So give me a pill

So I can chill before I kill

(Ah!)

This is just a phase

Let me cool down..

I’m sorry for my viking ways

Hey there! Oh, you called the cops?

and told them I just won’t shut up?

Oh, was I screaming in public again

Fuck, guess I am going crazy then

It’s always just a matter of when..

So give me a pill

(give me all the pills!)

So I can chill before I kill

(Chill before I kill, argh!)

I promise, this is just a phase

Let me cool down..

I am sorry for my viking ways

Uups, I broke the window

and woke up all the neighbours

What do you mean,»It’s the middle of the night»

and what the fuck do you mean, I am not looking alright?!

Why are you looking at me like that?

Do you want to fight?!

Oh no, oh no..

I am back at it with my viking ways

My viking ways!

Let me cool down..

It’s just a phase

It will get better, that’s what everyone says

Well, I am sorry for, sorry for..

My bloody viking ways

I’m sorry for my viking ways!

Jeg har ett nyttårsforsett som jeg skal gå all-in for å overholde, og det er at jeg vil skape flere fine dager enn jeg hadde i året som gikk.

Kanskje jeg ser på 2023 med litt for kritiske briller (typisk meg-ting å gjøre i grunn..) for det har vært fine dager og stunder for all del! Jeg er vel bare litt skuffa over meg selv for at jeg satt fast i dyp depresjon så lenge som jeg gjorde.. Jeg trodde jeg hadde lært å takle dem litt bedre nå, og jeg kunne nok ha gjort og tenkt mye annerledes så jeg ikke røyk helt i bunnen av min mentale versjon av helvete.

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Men nå er det gått over i fortiden, og jeg kan bare gjøre meg noen mentale notater over hva jeg kan gjøre annerledes neste runde.. For baaah!! – Det eneste jeg vet sikkert om fremtiden, er at det blir flere runder. Jeg kommer til å bli både manisk og deprimert igjen, og jeg vil legge meg ned og grine høyt når jeg tenker på det, og kanskje jeg burde det også, men herregud! Nå skulle jeg liksom skrive positivt 😅 2024, det ene nyttårsforsettet mitt og greier! Ok, back on track: Dagen i dag! Den har vært fin!

Jeg vet ikke med dere, men jeg liker vinter- og den ultimate vinter-opplevelsen for meg er å kunne gå på skøyter på et islagt vann! Og i dag var Mosvannet i Stavanger erklært trygt for dette, yay! Og yay for min søster som inviterte meg med sammen med gutta hennes og Bibi ❤️

Jeg elsker å få være med på når nevøene mine lærer nye ting. Elsker å være tante generelt. Så takk for det også, søster min- at jeg kan smykke meg med den tittelen. De kaller meg aldri tante da, jeg er «Suja». Eldstemann klarte ikke å si hele navnet mitt i starten, og jeg elska det nye navnet mitt som han hadde komponert selv- så ingen fikk rette på han hehe. Nå er jeg bare Suja for alle som kjenner meg godt nok, og ikke for å kritisere deg mama bear, men jeg tror jeg liker det bedre enn originalen.

Leste en gang at folk assosierer navnet Sunniva med noen som er høy og pen, da passer jeg bedre som Suja gitt. Det høres liksom litt mer ut som meg. Passende for et lavt og sprøtt, ikke akkurat heeelt billedskjønt tante-troll ☺️ Jo, også er jeg Kaptein Dorull. Det er en lang historie, men det startet så klart med en sang.. Den kommer jeg ikke til å poste her, siden jeg skjønner at de fleste som henger på blogg.no ligger litt lengre fremme når det kommer til sin mentale utvikling enn jeg gjør.. 😉

We don’t hug much in this family

Ya’ll seem so damn successful

Me, I’m just parked in this corner

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Fighting for my sanity

(I’m sad to say: It’s such a losing game

I can do a lot, but I can’t stay sane)

Am I lonely?

If so, I’m so used to it, it’s kinda comfortable

Tell myself I can be my one and only

The sound of silence isn’t uncomfortable

But late at night, that’s when I feel it

I need someone to hold me, that’s when I need it

So can you..

Hold me, hold me harder

I can’t be on my side when the darkness creeps under my skin,

and seeps into my mind

So can you..

Hold me, hold me harder

‘Cuz it’s when I need myself the most, I am impossible to find

We don’t hype each other up

We don’t talk much at all

I have all your numbers in my phone-list

But it rarely seems like the right move to call

When did we become like this?

Have we always been this alien

Is there any love left?

Why is it that when I embrace you

It feels like some kind of theft?

Are we lonely?

If so, we’re so used to it, it’s kinda comfortable

Tell ourselves we can be our one and only

The sound of silence isn’t uncomfortable

But late at night, do you ever feel it?

Do you need someone to hold you, is that when you need it?

So can I..

Hold you, hold you harder

Can you be on your side when darkness creeps under your skin,

and seeps into your mind?

So can I..

Hold you, hold you harder

I don’t know about you, but for me

It’s always when I need myself the most, I am impossible to find

So can I

Hold you, hold you harder

Can you..

Hold me, hold me harder

Hva kan jeg si, 2023 har for meg stort sett vært et skikkelig dritt-år og jeg har enten vært manisk eller deprimert og stort mer er det ikke å si egentlig.. Utenom en stor takk til familie og venner som har holdt ut med meg dette året (❤️) når jeg har vært innom de to verste utgavene av meg selv..

Uansett; her kommer mine makeup looks fra året som har gått. De jeg har tatt bilde av i hvert fall!

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Makeup for meg er først og fremst leketøy som er innafor for oss voksne 😉 Det finnes egentlig ingen regler, du kan eksperimentere så mye du vil, og blir det helt mislykka er det bare å vaske det bort! Hvis bare alt i livet var like ukomplisert..

Tenkte jeg skulle skrive en oversikt over favorittene mine innen skjønnhets-kategorien for året som gikk også, men dette innlegget er langt nok som det er tror jeg.. Så det får bli et senere innlegg.. (Som sikkert ingen har interesse av å lese, haha, men jaja.. Poster jeg egentlig noe av interesse her inne noensinne..? 😅 Probably not!)

Ønsker alle en fin andre uke av 2024!

Ti år har gått, du er fortsatt like fin.

Ti år har gått og jeg tenker på deg fortsatt

Ti år, og du er fortsatt ikke min

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Og jeg skjønner jo at jeg er mer enn bare litt betatt

Ti jævla lange år.. Det finnes ikke tvil:

Jeg er faen meg besatt

Faen ta deg

Og faen ta meg å’

Du var kanskje min en gang

Men du blir ikke min igjen nå

Noen ganger vil jeg spyle livet mitt ned i dass

Har vandra hele byen rundt men ingen kan ta din plass

Og alle sier «Du kommer over det»

Men nøyaktig hvor lang tid det tar er det ingen som er synsk nok til å se

Og du har egentlig sagt ditt

Og med de orda har du røska ut det jævla hjertet mitt

Og jeg skjønner jo at jeg har solgt meg selv på billigsalg

Det er synd vi er født med frie valg..

Faen ta deg

Og faen ta meg å’

Du var kanskje min en gang

Men du blir ikke min igjen nå

Jeg skjønner meg ikke på det her
Hvorfor kan jeg ikke bare viske deg ut med viskelær?!

Og hvorfor måtte du si at du fortsatt er singel og at du ikke har fått barn

Når vi begge vet at du ikke kommer til å svømme rett inn i mitt loslitte garn?

Faen ta deg

Og faen ta meg å’

Du var kanskje min en gang

Men du blir ikke min igjen nå

For jeg er syk i hodet

Og har gift i sjelen og gift i blodet

Og du er litt for hel ved

Også er du alltid der på feil tid, og feil sted

(FAEN!)

De sier smaken er som baken

Men hvorfor blir jeg aldri lei?

Og hvorfor, etter ti forbanna år

Drømmer jeg fortsatt om å se deg naken?

(Faen!!)

Så..

Faen ta deg

Og faen ta meg å’

Du var kanskje min en gang

Men du blir ikke min igjen nå

Du blir ikke min igjen nå

Why does it make me so sad

Why does it leave me so hollow

Why does it hurt me so bad

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

I know I won’t want to wake up tomorrow

This is all I got

This is all I have

and it is..

Not the way I wanted it to be

This wall of all the words left unsaid

This wall we somehow built in silence

It’s separating you from me

and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

Like I miss the one I used to be

The one you might have loved

Why do we spend so much time in the same room

Staring down on these stupid screens

Living empty, shallow lives

We say we love each other but I sometimes wonder

if we even know what that truly means

and I picture you in my funeral

and I figure you’d feel relief

I hope that’s how it plays out

I don’t want to cause you any more grief

Well, for now I’m still alive

Why does it make me so damn sad

Why does it leave me so hollow

I’m missing something that I never had

Maybe that’s why..

I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow

This is all I got

This is all I have

and this is..

Oh, It’s so not the way I wanted it to be

The wall of all the words left unsaid

This wall we somehow built with silence

Now it feels like the wall is inside of me

and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

Just like I miss the one I used to be

The one you might have loved

(Did you though..?)

Please don’t come to my funeral

Just smile and sigh with relief

I totally understand

After all, all I ever did was cause you grief

Does it look picture perfect from the outside?

Well, it ain’t exactly what it seems

Just like saying «I love you»

Not really knowing what that means

and it makes me so sad

and it leaves me so hollow

and it hurts so bad

that I don’t want to wake up tomorrow

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow

(I’m ashamed to say this song pretty much sums up my summer of ‘23.. Hope everyone else can NOT relate to my shit-fest!)

He wants to know what I’m thinking

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

I don’t say a word

Well, truth is I am shipwrecked and I’m sinking

My head goes SOS, SOS

but I don’t wanna be saved, no..

Am I suicidal? Am I hopeless? Yes..

And I know, I’m such a bummer

It’s just another, another one for the books

Just another suicidal, suicidal summer

It’s so funny hah

I can’t curb my hysteria

I fear life itself

and still I can’t seem to kill myself

All I can say now is

All I can feel now is

I’m so so  sorry!

My head goes SOS, SOS

But I don’t wanna be saved, no

Am I suicidal? Yes

And I know, I’m such a bummer

It’s just another, another one for the books

Just another suicidal, suicidal summer

Yeah, I know

You left me long ago

You cut the strings, torn off like a butterfly’s wings

and to be honest, I don’t care anymore

We are separated by so much more than just locked doors

You live on in a world I left

What can I say now

All I can feel is

I’m so so sorry..

So here’s to you

Keep on living, won’t you

Don’t feel bad, I know I hurt too much to hold on to

I am sorry for all the things that madness and sadness made me do

and most of all for how all of this separated me from you

These are the words I can’t say to your face

You don’t want to know what I’m thinking

All you need to know is, I was shipwrecked and sinking

I’ll reach the bottom soon, I’m running outta air

Just promise me I’ll never find you there

I’m so grateful you cut all ties

now that I’m the one who dies

I don’t know exactly when it was

that I could no longer look into your eyes

and I don’t want to see you sad

Now that I am the one who dies

I’m so so sorry!

I’m sorry..

My head goes SOS, SOS

But I don’t wanna be saved, no

Am I sucidal? But still alive? Why, fuck- Yes.

And I know, I’m such a bummer

It’s just another, another one for the books

Just another suicidal, suicidal summer

Yeah, I know- I’m such a bummer

This is is just another one, another one of those..

Doesn’t feel like I have much choice..

It’s just another suicidal, suicidal, suicidal

Suicidal summer

Suicidal summer..

It was 2014 when I fell down the rabbit hole for the first time

I saw a face I should have never seen, because it made me cross the line

Once you break that final barrier and your mind can no longer keep track

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

You find yourself in Hell, and there is no way to go back

Oh, babygirl if you fall in love with a stranger

then it’s 99% made up in your head

My haunted head

Can’t you see the danger

Of clinging on to an illusion until you’re dead

Life goes by so fast you know, you know

I’m running, thinking, spinning in circles

Creating a noose around my neck

Screaming in my head «I’m just trying to save myself!»

But all it really does for me is leaving me a wreck

Oh babygirl, babygirl

Why can’t you see the danger

You fool yourself

’Cuz if you fall in love with a stranger

It’s 99% all made up in your head

and are you really hellbent on

clinging to this illusion until you’re dead..?

Life goes by too fast, you know, you know!

I wrote «I’m no slave to love», and I guess it’s true because this can not be love

I’m just hooked by the fantasy

It used to be a lifeline

Now it only adds to my misery

And I sing to myself: Ooh..

Babygirl, babygirl..

Why can’t you see the danger

You fool yourself

’Cuz if you fall in love with a stranger

It’s 99% all made up in your head

and are you really hellbent on

clinging to this illusion until you’re dead..?

Life goes by too fast, you know, you know!

Life goes by too fast!

You have to let it go..

You know, you know, you know

Madness looked me dead in the eye, and asked «What do you wish for the most?» and I answered «The truth» and madness said «Well, you can have it if you stay here».

I was lied to, and I should have known, because I’ve been lied to too many times for me to even keep a score.

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

You lied, they lied, hell even I lie to myself from time to time, so what’s there to even be mad about.

I press on my mind to feed me answers, but there is an imagination in there, fuelled by desire and longing, and man does that fuck me up if I keep the machinery going.

And when I’m crazy that’s all I do.

And it feels good because I can believe anything, and believe anything I do. I see back and forth, and I see many things that never was, never will be. But in my mind it is, and it’s a beautiful and terrible web of lies I made, in order to.. Survive, I guess.

But it is not REAL. And after years of living like a spider (or maybe I’m more of the fly, the prey) there’s one thing I’ve realised and that is that I want what is real. No matter how dark this ‘real’ may be- that’s what I want. That’s all I want.

I wobble around in madness looking for something that just is not ment for me. The glorious ‘truth’ will not unfold no matter how long I stay there, within the walls of madness..

It’s a lost cause.

I wanted the truth so I could have some form of justice, but now I have to face the fact that Life. Is. Unfair.

So I take my broken mind and I look madness dead in the eye right back and I swear to it «I am more than merely just you» and I go back to living in the real world.

Please let me stay here as long as possible. That’s all I want.