Smiling in pictures, feeling pretty dead inside. Why is it so hard for me to just be alive..? I need more.. I just don’t know what the hell I’m searching for. I don’t know why it feels like I’m dying, or why it’s so hard to find the motivation to keep trying. When a door slams shut in my face, it’s so hard for me to take. I feel like every little step forward always leads to ten steps back. Courage and persistence, is a skillset I lack. (I am the black sheep among angels) I need so bad some proof that I’m not completely useless, but.. (I have this amazing family, but we should be strangers)
Every damn attempt just shows I’m a hopeless case. I don’t know where to go from here. I want to build a version of me I can actually tolerate.. But the more I fail at it, the more of me there is to HATE. And if only you knew, all these messed up components that makes up my damn dysfunctional self, you’d hate me too. And something tells me that you do (I don’t blame you)
Heaven or hell; it’s all a state of mind for me. There’s more of a satan than a saint in me, so it was easy to figure out where I ought to be. I told myself I’d do my time and pay for my sins, but now I’m stuck here and I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I deserve to set myself free. Pitch black everything, that’s my comfort zone and I’m terrified of the light. I sleep through the days and suffer through the night. And when you ask, I tell you it’s alright.. It’s not alright, but I don’t want you to worry. If you are still capable of loving me, I know it’s hard to do, and I’m so sorry.. I’m so damn sorry. I’m so consumed with self hatred and I could not blame you if you hate me too. And a part of me almost hope that you do..
I’m not asking for mercy.. And when I break down and you still embrace me I feel so unworthy. All the times you’re strong for me and I collapse in your arms.. I feel so unworthy.. You are so much more than I’ll ever be. And it’s so unfair that I’m always the one falling, and you gotta be there to catch me. I wish you’d just let me break. Undeserving love, sometimes it’s more than I can take. I’m so damn hard to love, so much easier to hate.. Sad truth is it’s easier than to change my fate