It’s such a luxury problem.. Sitting here safe, warm, fed, comfortable in my home.. Asking myself «What is the point of my life».
But I still do it.
I’ve had my share of depressive periods. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no point with my existence several times. I’ve choked, I’ve jumped, I’ve burned, I’ve bled, I’ve overdosed. I have cursed at my saviours, cursed my own body for fighting to keep my alive when it felt like my spirit had died. I’ve given up. Given up, and then get back on my feet. But to actually map out where I am supposed to go, is really hard for me to do.
I don’t know what it is, that my soul is craving for.
I have always dreamed of finding something within me that I can label «potential». Something I can build on until I feel «worthy». Something that can make me feel like I’m of use. Something that can justify that I am here. Taking up the space, the resources.. Sometimes I think about it, if someone else had been born in my place- what would they have accomplished by now that I haven’t, that I might never will..?
This damned dark head.
Spent so many years like a living dead. Made it through so much. Not always sure, if it was worth it.
Stronger people than me have broken. Stronger people than me have come to the conclusion that life just ain’t worth living (have to put those lines in a song).
I have such an amazing family of strong, hard-working people with the best hearts. And then there is me, this complicated difficult hopeless loser that never seems to find her way, never makes the right decisions, never really get anywhere. Who sometimes become this deranged lunatic, disturbing everyone’s lives and everyone’s peace of mind. I know I am a burden, and not a blessing. I know that loving me sometimes turns into hate.
I have so much that I need to compensate for, but I can never seem to find a formula that works. I am always heading head first into a wall. It always feels like I’m not doing enough. I can never reach the woman I want to be, I’m not even sure if I can envision her anymore.
I just know that she is strong and brave. She’s someone you can lean on, depend on, trust.
I want to be her for you. I want to be her for me.
I just don’t know the steps to take, to get there.
But I will try. Fail. And try again.
There’s still time. There’s still hope. There’s still a will, a desire, a determination.
I just may need a reminder, when life slaps me across the face again.
So I leave these words here. I might need them.
Death will embrace me in the end regardless; but until then: I will live this one scary, messy, challenging, sometimes ugly sometimes beautiful thing called life.
You are an amazing person full of value. <3 And about the meaning of life: I am soon 48 and still do not know for sure what the meaning of my life is – and I have come to believe that it is very normal to not really know. 🙂 I believe that the meaning of everyone´s lives are to love. As in agape love. Ourselves and eachother. In the big and the small things in everyday life. And what we do is not that important, as long as we do our best. We have all different personal strengts and weknesses, and human beings and life is so complicated that it is close to impossible for us to judge eachother with justice. And that includes the judging of ourselves. So be patient and kind towards yourself as well as to others. We are okay, we are good enough. <3 We have all made mistakes, and acknowledging it is such a personal strength.. But give yourself a break, all human beings have reason to hate ourselves, but we have an option; to forgive ourselves and forgive eachother and thereafter do our best to cheer and support eachother. Everything starts with accepting the facts of the past and the now, and yu are well on your way doing it, I can tell from your blog. I am sure you can make it. Just take it from an older mistake-maker (me): The painful years seem endless when you are in it, but it will pass, you need to relax as best as you can and wait it out while making the best out of it – wich I can tell you do from your blog. Just keep up the good work, you are doing well. That is what I believe. <3 Much love!
Thank you so much for these beautiful words of wisdom- I had to screenshot and save it on my phone, because I will need to read this over at the next bump down the road ❤️ And thanks for teaching me a new word- I didn’t know of the word ‘agape’ 🌹You are an amazing soul for taking the time to write this 🤗 Much appreciated!