Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

Ok, so I’m not gonna pretend life has been easy

But anything else would have been kinda boring and taught me very little

So I guess all in all I’m kinda grateful for the battles I have fought

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Every hill I’ve climbed, every time I got knocked down..

I guess I kept the parts of me I’ve always loved the most after all..

Here’s to being forever in freestyle

Nothing set in stone and I’m fine with it!

Rolling with the punches and surfing the waves

Guess I wouldn’t have it any other way

I’ve doubted myself plenty

Thought I’d die before reaching twenty

There’s been enough challenges

I’ve had my share of enemies

Hell, I turned into my very worst one

But I’ve always kept my eyes on who I could become

I fucking love strong women, and I can finally say with confidence that I am one

Yeah, I am one!

Here’s to being forever in freestyle

Nothing set in stone and I’m fine with it!

I feel kinda bad for people always chasing the next big thing

I just roll with the punches and surf the waves

Guess I wouldn’t have it any other way

I wouldn’t have it any other way!

and you can call me whatever you like

Label me whatever you want..

Think of me as you please..

I’m not one for living on my knees

I’ve paved my way through many a hell

and some people really do not wish me well

But here I am, at 38- and I’m thriving

Ready to do so much more than merely just surviving

And the only plan I plan on sticking to is..

Forever in freestyle!

(I was just fishing for men.. Is this not how you do it..? Just kidding just kidding 😉)

You ruled this town back when I was born

24.12.87..

But these streets belongs to me now

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

and with cold wings I’m coming..

I think I know just where you hide out

I know exactly what and who you hide behind

Your damn title that you think makes you a god..

Your little flock of sheeps, fools that let you be in control because they can’t think for themselves..

But you have grown older

and I have only grown stronger

The dragon baby is not a baby anymore..

But I still breathe fire

So burn..

I know what it is you want from me

You’ll never have any of it

I know who you want me to be become..

I’ll rather die than fulfill your fantasy!

I am not your personal Jesus doomed to forgive and forget..

I am the cold blade pressed against your neck

I am not your little victim..

I am the weapon!

I am the weapon..!

You think I’ll ever be under your control?

You think I’ll ever let this go?

You think you’re so smart, but you could never figure me out

The way I always knew exactly what you are

Stone cold psychopath..

Welcome to the aftermath!

And while you have grown older

I have only grown stronger

and I still spit fire..

and I guess you have burned ever since

I know what you want from me

You’ll never ever have it

I know who you want me to become

I’ll die before I fulfill your fantasy!

and it’s killing you, I know it does..

I know I do!

I’m the one who haunts you, I’m the one keeping you up at night..

I am not your personal Jesus doomed to forgive and forget..

I am the cold blade pressed against your neck

I am not your little victim..

I am the weapon

I am the weapon..!

I still breathe fire..

and we both know you’ll burn ‘till you die..

I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you

But everytime we speak I just want you to go on forever

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

I don’t want silence to interrupt

I just want you to keep talking

This is so strange to me

How you never drain me

How you just fill me up

So can you keep talking, keep talking

’Cuz I don’t feel like walking, walking away

Or smoking..

I don’t need any of my unhealthy habits

If you just talk to me

I forget your voice in between

Heck, I even forget what you look like

But every time we pick it up again it’s all so familiar

and I’m back to just wanting your company

The conversation that just flows so naturally

It feels weird walking away

and this is so, so strange to me

How you never drain me

You just fill me up

I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you..

I think it’s just you

and I just want you to..

Keep talking, keep talking

I don’t feel like walking, walking away

I leave my damn cigarettes at home

I travel across town

Freeze to death on bus stops at night

and I’m so cool with it

I just want you to..

I just need you to..

Can you just talk to me

Just talk to me

You make me wet you know

The words that comes out of your mouth so effortlessly

Turns into a damn river between my legs

If we move it somewhere else

I just want you to keep talking

(And moan, and talk, and moan)

I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you

So anything but boring

Or maybe boring is just way more fun than I thought it was

I’m not the right person to tell if something is normal or not..

I just enjoy it

I just enjoy you

and all I want

All I need

I just want you to keep talking

Can you just talk to me

Do you need to sleep?

Do you have to work?

Do you really gotta be somewhere else?

I know you do, it’s just..

Can you just talk to me

And this is so strange to me

Mostly talking to myself for all these years

But I just need you to

I just want you to..

Can you just talk to me

Can you just talk to me?

Cuz when you do, I don’t really need to be anywhere else

Not even in my own head

And you deserve a reward for that, I guess

For taking my mind off my mind..

And I for sure can’t do that.

and I don’t know what it is

I think it’s just you

I think it’s just you..

Ok, so..

Maybe I jump the gun here

(can’t help it, some parts of me are trigger-happy)

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

But to be honest there’s parts of me I’ve believed to be dead

And now I can’t get it out of my head..

’Cuz all I can think about

All I can focus on..

Ah, this makes me go nuts

but in a good way

I’m dripping wet and it ain’t from sweat

All I can think about..

It’s all I can think about!

(Just let me do it!)

Ok, so..

Maybe it’s too soon to talk about it

and maybe I should think about it some more

It’s not like I’ve never made mistakes before

But all I want is to jump the fucking gun

I just can’t get it out of my head

’Cuz all I can think about

All I can focus on..

Ah, this makes me go nuts

but in a good way..

I’m dripping wet and it ain’t from sweat

All I can think about..

It’s all I can think about!

(You gotta let me do it..)

I can do without a lot

And I have..

Seems I’ve lived a thousand years in loneliness

and now I can’t even finish on my own

And it’s all because..

’

’Cuz all I can think about

All I can focus on..

Ah, this makes me go nuts

but in a good way..

I’m dripping wet and it ain’t from sweat

All I can think about..

It’s all I can think about!

Aah!

I can publish these lyrics now that I’m OVER it, haha 😉 Our hearts can heal, my darlings!

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Driving through the country-side, singing out the window

Life felt good in that moment

Blasting music, admiring your side-profile

God, you’re handsome when you smile

I’ll never see that smile again

I miss it so bad

You’re a part of my past

It’s one of those perfect memories

Now it just makes me so sad

Drinking on your porch

Doing my makeup in front of your mirror

My lingerie on your bedroom floor

Cruising down the highway on your bike, arms wrapped around your shoulders

Life felt good in those moments

But it’s all over now

I miss it so bad

It’s all part of my past now

Those perfect memories

Now they make me so sad

These days it’s like I wake up, never really waking up

Talk like a zombie, walk like a zombie-

but my head is constantly racing

Suicidal, dark thoughts fire away

How could I not surrender?

I wish it hadn’t ended this way between us..

I wish none of this had happened..

But it did, gotta roll with the punches

You were a little break from battlefield life

Then you broke my heart a little bit

(Yeah it’s true, you did)

I miss it so bad

It’s all part of my past now

Those perfect memories

Now they make me so sad

Now they just make me sad..

Jeg trodde jeg var fastlåst.

Skvist mellom liv og død- half life..

Jeg trodde ikke det fantes noen vei ut.

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Jeg var overbevist om at jeg kom til å dø snart.

Jeg ville dø- snart.

Men noen små grep kan utgjøre all verdens forskjell.

Den største forskjellen har nok vært å svare på alle ubesvarte anrop og uåpnede meldinger. Finne ut at det er gode mennesker i livet mitt som bare vil meg vel, som viser meg raushet, aksept og forståelse og tar i mot meg med åpne armer.

Til familen og vennene mine- En million ganger takk for alt dere holder ut med meg. Hvor tålmodige dere er. Hvor mye av meg dere klarer å tåle, hvor mye dere tilgir, hvor mye dere forstår.

Depresjonen gir meg skylapper, jeg tenker at jeg er alene i denne verden, alene og verdiløs, at ingen er glad i meg, jeg ser for meg en begravelse som ingen gidder å gå i. Man kan bli både blind, stum og døv av en depresjon, og jeg har vært alt det.

Men jeg er ute av det nå, jeg tror jeg kan si det med sikkerhet. Nå vil jeg bare være her med dere. Feire jul og nytt år, være tilstede, le og tøyse (takk gud, jeg har fortsatt humor!), være den beste versjonen av meg selv før livet smeller noe nytt i trynet på meg.. For jeg vet jo at det vil skje.

Derfor er tiden min så ekstra dyrebar. Jeg må jobbe med å la de depressive periodene bli så korte som mulig, for der VET jeg jo egentlig alle verktøyene som kan brukes..

Forever a work in progress, huh. Jeg ville bare si at akkurat nå er jeg tilfreds, ja jeg er lykkelig faktisk. Herregud så rart det føles å endelig si det høyt! Men så JÆVLIG deilig også.

Jeg er så takknemlig.
Tror bare jeg avslutter med et smil, jeg..

This song is ment to be screamed Chester Bennington or Will Ramos style.. Give it a go.

Can I go back..?

Can I go back??

Can I travel in time until you are mine..?

Like you once were..

While you were still here

All these years passed, still I can’t let go

I can’t let go..!

Can you come back..?

Can you come back??

Can I breathe for you, can I gift you this life I’m slowly wasting..?

I no longer know who or what I’m chasing

I just know you can’t be replaced

Just like you can’t be erased

I refuse to let the memories fade

If you can, live on in me

Live on in me!

Can we go back..?

Can we go back??

Rewind to the last bitter words I spoke to you

God, how I regret my poisonous tongue!

The worst part is:

I wasn’t even angry

Just sad and heartbroken over your fate, over the hand you were dealt

It was so damn unfair

I cried for you in my darkest most desperate moment

But you weren’t there

Let me go back..?!

Let me go back!

I swear I’d do things different

I swear I would be stronger, if I get a second chance I won’t break

But I can’t go back..

I know it..

Just like I cannot change your fate

I cannot change your fate

I can’t go back

You can’t come back 💔

Ligger her og er ikke litt trøtt en gang.. Men ikke så rart når jeg presterte å stå opp kl.18 (!!!) i dag.. What even is this life??

Jeg må få jobb ASAP. Men jobben jeg har søkt på skulle i gang med intervjurunde snart, fikk jeg beskjed om i starten av oktober. Enda ikke hørt noe, og mannet meg til slutt opp til å sende en mase-melding som jeg heller ikke har hørt noe fra siden. Og nå tenker jeg faen også, har jeg gått glipp av et viktig anrop, er løpet kjørt..?

Jeg ikke bare ønsker meg denne jobben, jeg TRENGER den. Får prøve å ringe dem en dag jeg har litt ekstra store cojones.. A4-hverdag og sunne rutiner kaller på meg, og jeg lengter sånn etter å få det til.

Men skal jeg klare det MÅ den hersens døgnrytmen klikke på plass altså!

Nå har jeg svelgt en Imovane og venter på at den skal kicke inn. Forhåpentligvis får jeg meg litt søvn i natt hvert fall, skal trene i morra kl.10 og har funnet ut at før styrkeøkter kan det være lurt å få seg nok søvn. Litt søvn i det minste!

Ingenting roer hodet mitt som å skrive hvert fall, man får tømt seg litt og gitt utløp for siste rest av kreativ eller dårlig eller god energi, og for meg er det medisin.

Jeg har sagt det før, men jeg er så takknemlig overfor dere som kikker innom her av og til, at jeg aldri har fått et vondt ord, aldri har blitt dømt, aldri har blitt kritisert. Jeg og mine maniske faser, dere hadde virkelig hatt mye å ta meg på om dere ønsket det. Dere bidrar til at denne lille plassen min på internett er sånn et safe space, og det er jeg evig takknemlig for. Takk ❤️ (Men dere må feel free til å gi meg konstruktiv kritikk på skrivefeilene mine altså! Det kunne jeg trengt 😅)

Da gjenstår vel bare å ønske god natt, håper alle andre sover søtt nå og har en døgnrytme som ikke herjer med dere eller gjør dere frustrert. Jeg må bare være tålmodig, så SKAL jeg komme meg dit jeg også. Banna bein!

Ok, so

We need to have a serious conversation

I’ll talk and you’ll listen

Hey, just hear me out!

Yeah yeah, I get it

You like pushing me around

i swear one day you’ll regret it

when I’m no longer around

When I’m no longer around!

’Cause I don’t think you really want me to die

No, I think you just wanna test me

See how much I can take

Life, you bloody bastard

It’s true though, sometimes I break

But so far it’s still you and me

Life, you bloody bastard

I hate and I love you and I get a feeling you feel the same

Yeah yeah, you get it

When I’m crawling on my knees through the trenches

I swear, there are times I regret it

Spent so much of you waging war with myself

But what are you for, if it ain’t for learning lessons

I’ll admit it: It would be boring if you made it too easy, if you went too soft on me

Just hear me out, I just need a tiny break

A little time, to catch my breath

So life, ya bloody bastard

Can you just hear me out for a sec

I’m not asking for a lifetime of bliss

Heck, I won’t even ask you for years..

Just give me a few months without a single knockout

Pretty pretty please

Just let me catch my breath in between the battles

I mean, it seems kinda fair to me

Can we strike a deal?

I’ll give you my brain, you can take it

If you’ll just let me enjoy it for a little while

Dear life, you bloody bastard

Can you let me have some peace of mind?

Some comfort in my own body?

Just for a little while..

I mean, c’mon

Just give me christmas

Just let me have that

Life ya bloody bastard..

I get it, you like pushing me around

I swear you might just regret it

when I’m no longer around

Just give me a little bit..

Just let me have a little bit..

Just give me a little bit of time to be myself

Pretty pretty please!

Oh life, you bloody bastard

Why are you putting on the gloves again

This next knockout can wait, can’t it?

You don’t have to show me who’s the boss

I swear I’ll stay in the ring

You’ll get your rounds

Just give me a little bit

just let me have a little bit

Just give me s little more time

with myself.. So I can be myself

Just let me have that

Jeg har ikke så mye å komme med i disse dager.

Annet enn å tømme meg for destruktive tanker, da.

Men de siste dagene har jeg hatt det ok, til å stå midt oppi en heftig depresjon.

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Jeg har endelig klart å være skikkelig tilstede sammen med tantebarna mine igjen, that is a big win.

Jeg må lære meg å sette pris på alle seire jeg kan få.

Ikke være kravstor.

Ikke forvente mirakler.

Bare.. Ta dag for dag og prøve å gjøre små valg som kan utgjøre stor forskjell.

Det er også en seier å klare å være litt rausere med meg selv.

Ikke grave meg ned i dypet hele tiden, ikke kritisere meg selv sønder og sammen.

Men jeg ønsker jo at jeg kunne bli en bedre person, jeg gjør det.

At jeg kunne kvitte meg med alle de dårlige egenskapene mine og sette inn noen forbedrede istedenfor.

Jeg ønsker så inderlig det.

Det skal jo være mulig også. Hva er livet til for, om det ikke også er for å vokse og forbedre seg selv.

Det er bare så innmari vanskelig for meg, det føles så håpløst.

Så mange sperrer i hodet som hindrer veien dit.

Det er de sperrene som må bort, jeg vet jo det. Det er der jeg må jobbe med meg selv hvis jeg vil starte et sted.

Men.. Jeg er redd. Jeg er faen meg redd for alt noen ganger. Jeg er redd for å fucke opp, jeg er redd for å få bekreftet at joda, jeg er faktisk håpløs, jeg er redd for å mislykkes. Jeg er redd for å PRØVE.

Awareness is the first step, er det ikke det de sier.

Og deretter kommer handling.

Men akkurat nå er det depresjonen jeg slåss mot. Den som krever alle kreftene mine. Der er jeg nå.

Å akseptere at alt er tiltak, akseptere at man ikke har lyst til noe, men gjøre noe likevel. Du trenger ikke gjøre ALT, men noen ting må jeg bare å gjøre.

Jeg skal fullføre røykesluttkurset, selv om jeg ikke har klart å slutte. Jeg skal gå i behandling for å få hjelp mot depresjon (et privilegium , jeg vet. Tusen takk til Martemin som slåss for at jeg skulle få mulighet til dette). Jeg skal trene jevnlig, Jeg skal jobbe med døgnrytmen. Jeg skal være mer tilstede når jeg er med folk jeg bryr meg om. Jeg skal prøve å gjøre noe hver dag, samme hva det er. Ta den dusjen, gå ut døra..

Må bare akseptere at det er tungt. At ting ikke føles like lystbetont lenger. At jeg ikke liker trynet jeg ser i speilet eller kroppen jeg kler på.

At å ha det litt bedre når du har hatt det som verst, er faen så verdifullt i seg selv.

Der er jeg nå. That´s life.

Akkurat nå..