I’m not good with layering, but it’s kinda a necessity at this time of the year.. Don’t shoot me now, but this vest is actually real rabbit fur- I found it on the salesrack at 400 NOK and was like «Damn, that is the softest faux fur I’ve ever touched..» I didn’t discover it was the real deal until I was going to clean it, and I was kinda shocked. Not to mention real fur at that price tag?? So now you know, I’m that asshole that has real fur in her wardrobe- but I swear it was by accident.

 

 

 

 

Oversized ‘leather’ jackets look so good on everybody else, but I feel like a little kid wearing my father’s jacket 😅 This one is from H&M, couple seasons ago..

 

 

I have loved statement earrings since I pierced my earlobes as a kid, my mama had these amazing waterfall-kind of blingy earrings and I would beg her to borrow them on every special occasion.. So naturally, I have gathered a collection of my own over the years (just cheap ones, expensive jewellery is NOT for me 😅). These I found on Ebay, I think they might be from the brand Nolan Miller..?

 

When it comes to makeup, I’m really into dipping my whole face in bronzer as you might be able to tell.. 😅

 

 

Now I’m heading out to be social with my family.. Hope you had a fab weekend 🌹 Tomorrow I start work again, after a long break- I’m really nervous.. But I will do my best, and I hope this will make a positive impact on my life- I just have to take it with a huge chillpill and not stress myself into a new manic episode.. Bah, life as bipolar- always balancing on the edge of the knife.

My energy levels must be at an all-time low, because the amount of sleep I’ve needed lately.. It’s never enough! But I managed to roll outta bed this morning and get dressed..:

 

 

I love sweaters with this kind of poofy sleeves, and I’m in general a sucker for items with some kind of detail to them- like the pearls on the sleeves and around the collar on this sweater- it’s from Only a couple of seasons ago..

 

 

The belt is vintage/hand-me-down. Pants are H&M (and do NOT fit me well, I think I need to have pants tailored because I can rarely find a pair that fits perfectly..)

 

And the ‘butch’ part of this outfit: Studded boots from Jeffrey Campbell, bought almost ten years ago and I had to re-sole them but they are still hanging in there 😅 Am I the only one still in love with studs..? I know as a trend they’ve been over for years, but I still have a slight obsession over spikey things.

 

Talk about studs, gloves are too! These are real lambskin, bought secondhand for like 5 $. This outfit was really bland in term of colors, needed a pop of it. Bag is like mentioned before, one of the first bags I ever bought so like 20 years- that’s WAY longer than any of my romantic relationships, haha 😅 (Is that funny or just sad..)

 

Anyway, hope you have a great weekend 🌹

 

 

Smiling in pictures, feeling pretty dead inside. Why is it so hard for me to just be alive..? I need more.. I just don’t know what the hell I’m searching for. I don’t know why it feels like I’m dying, or why it’s so hard to find the motivation to keep trying. When a door slams shut in my face, it’s so hard for me to take. I feel like every little step forward always leads to ten steps back. Courage and persistence, is a skillset I lack. (I am the black sheep among angels) I need so bad some proof that I’m not completely useless, but.. (I have this amazing family, but we should be strangers)

 

Every damn attempt just shows I’m a hopeless case. I don’t know where to go from here. I want to build a version of me I can actually tolerate.. But the more I fail at it, the more of me there is to HATE. And if only you knew, all these messed up components that makes up my damn dysfunctional self, you’d hate me too. And something tells me that you do (I don’t blame you)

 

Heaven or hell; it’s all a state of mind for me. There’s more of a satan than a saint in me, so it was easy to figure out where I ought to be. I told myself I’d do my time and pay for my sins, but now I’m stuck here and I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I deserve to set myself free. Pitch black everything, that’s my comfort zone and I’m terrified of the light. I sleep through the days and suffer through the night. And when you ask, I tell you it’s alright.. It’s not alright, but I don’t want you to worry. If you are still capable of loving me, I know it’s hard to do, and I’m so sorry.. I’m so damn sorry. I’m so consumed with self hatred and I could not blame you if you hate me too. And a part of me almost hope that you do..

 

I’m not asking for mercy.. And when I break down and you still embrace me I feel so unworthy. All the times you’re strong for me and I collapse in your arms.. I feel so unworthy.. You are so much more than I’ll ever be. And it’s so unfair that I’m always the one falling, and you gotta be there to catch me. I wish you’d just let me break. Undeserving love, sometimes it’s more than I can take. I’m so damn hard to love, so much easier to hate.. Sad truth is it’s easier than to change my fate

 

 

 

I love dressy pants that are also comfortable, and this pair from Selected femme definitely tick that box. Wool sweater from H&M, found on sale some years ago.

 

Don’t come for me and my leopard faux fur 😅 I know this coat is not for everyone, but this is my 6th season rocking this, and it’s starting to look really worn out- but I still love it and hope it will last for many more winters to come.

 

Bag is ooold, like 20 years no kidding 😅 One of the first bags I bought, and it still looks new?? Shitty pictures, but it’s snakeprint with gold deets. Beanie is from H&M, another sequined gem. I love sparkle, who doesn’t!

Been some lazy, unproductive days in my sweats- but today I woke up and thought «Ok, today I’m gonna dress up with a little effort!» And very pink, apparently! But it’s a really grey, rainy day here so colors are welcome..

 

 

 

Knitted sweater from Only, satin pants from H&M, gold belt is vintage/hand-me-downs.

 

Raincoat and bag from Kapp Ahl, and shoes from H&M on sale for 150 NOK 🤓 Just a tip: Syntethic shoes with a little heel is a great alternative to rain-boots..

 

 

I clearly have a thing for deets in gold! Clock is vintage, from Halston- paid like 10 $ for it and it’s worth a lot more.. Ring is from H&M, I collect jewellery that is inspired by nature and animals.

 

 

Today I’m gonna get stuff done 👊🏼 I have such a need for sleep lately, seems I can’t get enough and I rarely feel fully rested- but today I do. Gotta use it for what its worth. Wish you a  good day 🌹

Mamma spurte meg her om dagen om jeg ville bli med å kikke på salget, og jeg sa selfølgelig ja, siden mamma har blitt (etter noen års intens krigføring, unnskyld mama bear!) min soleklart beste og mest lojale venninne i dette livet 🥰 Og det er jeg så stolt over å si, for GUD vi har jobba for å komme dit, og jeg har IKKE vært den letteste ungen/tenåringen/voksne dattera å holde ut med!

 

Men å «kikke» på ting med mamma, gjør som regel at jeg ikke kommer hjem tomhendt (hun sier at jeg ser fin ut i alt, uansett..) og det gjorde jeg ikke denne gang heller. Men altså, jeg har sagt det før og jeg sier det igjen: Det er på salgsracken at mye av det kuleste, mest spesielle, «ikke for alle» klærne ender opp, og det er jo akkurat det jeg liker! Timeless, classy pieces er forsåvidt også min greie, men jeg liker å blande det med mer spesielle plagg også, å kombinere vågalt og safe 🤪 Så er målet mitt her i livet også og prøve å balansere en crazy hjerne på et mest mulig stabilt punkt, kanskje det er derfor.. 😅 Klesstilen min representerer min indre kamp?? Har gått for lenge i terapi, må tydeligvis psykoanalysere alt.

 

Uansett, her er catch of the day (og for å psykoanalysere det litt mer, kanskje shopping er sånn den primitive huleboerhjernen min som absolutt ikke er egnet for dagens hypermoderne samfunn får utløp for jakt-og samler instinktet sitt?? Ok, nå skal jeg slutte..)

 

 

Til mitt forsvar: En laaang cardigan i en nøytral farge har stått på ønskelista lenge, og endelig fant jeg den. Til 100 kr, steal!

 

 

En annen ting jeg har ønska meg lenge: En discokule av en t-shirt! Jeg har tenkt i alle år at skal jeg bruke crop-tops så må alt magefettet bort og jeg skal helst ha en six-pack men på tide å innse det: This girl likes to EAT og jeg har faktisk begynt å like babybumpen min (som altså ikke er en babybump, det er pure fett-ingen trenger å bli stressa nå). Forsvinner den så er det også farvel til det jeg har igjen av pupper, og jeg er skikkelig puppe-menneske (aldri skjønt meg på rumpe-mennesker, tits all the way og faen at jeg ikke har større, men ja ja).. Prisen var 75 kr, føler nesten jeg har begått et lite ran mot H&M nå.

 

Ellers i livet, så baler jeg fortsatt hardt med en skrudd døgnrytme og det skyldes nok mye at jeg alltid våkner med tunge tanker om morgenen. Jeg vet ikke hva som skjer med meg når jeg sover, for før jeg legger meg kan jeg skrive i Positivitets-boka mi at jeg skal stå opp og tenke positivt, gjøre ditt og datt og ha en produktiv dag med positivt mindset, men så våkner jeg og bare «Åååååårh, jeg ORKER ikke en ny dag som meg selv, jeg vil bare soooove til jeg døøøør», også gjør jeg det da, helt til det ikke er fysisk mulig å sove lenger. HVORFOR?? Er det noen andre som har det sånn?? Jeg blir så frustrert og oppgitt over meg selv!

 

Men det er bare å prøve og prøve. Kanskje jeg har vært deprimert så mye og så lenge at hjernen trenger tid på å restarte helt? Lære å leve nytt..? Jeg vil videre, men å ikke greie en basic lifeskill som leggerutiner og stå opp-rutiner og generelt bare gripe dagen.. Jeg sleit så mye psykisk i så mange år at natta ble min safe-spot, turte ikke gå ut i lyset, turte ikke å bli sett av andre mennesker.. Jeg er jo fortsatt redd til en viss grad, men har mer kontroll på det nå og jeg VIL eksponere meg, gå rundt i lyset med alle andre, kjenne at jeg takler det, at jeg er klar for det, at jeg kom dit til sist.. Men det er så vanskelig å snu! Har satt seg biologisk og ikke bare psykisk, natta var for meg, den levende døde, dagen var for de modige levende.. Men jeg vil være blant dere nå! Jeg vil være modig, jeg vil være i live..

 

Vil jeg, så skal jeg få det til. Patience and practise and DO NOT GIVE UP 👊🏼
Er det liv, er det håp!

 

Avslutter med dette blinkskuddet tatt av Aillon, tante sitt gull på 3 år. Meg på mitt styggeste, null sminke og sliten etter vrangsøvn men hey, dere fortjener å se mitt sanne ansikt også 😅 Lærte han å ta bilder med telefonen min, og han var så skjønn når han entusiastisk sprang rundt og knipsa bilder av alt og alle.. Takk til min søster og (sviger)bror for at dere skapte disse to miraklene, tante er desidert min fineste tittel og jeg er ikke i nærheten av å være den de fortjener- men jeg skal dedikere livet mitt til å jobbe mot å bli det!

 

❤️ KJÆRLEIK❤️

I can’t be like this

Can’t look myself in the mirror anymore

Can’t recall if its always been like this

Or if I was in any way different before

 

Can’t take no more

There’s nothing left to dull the pain

I try each day to change

But I can’t seem to

Hence the self-hatred remain

I fear it’s pushing me over the border

Makes me lose my mind again

 

I miss wanting to make you laugh

I miss the urge to smile

i need some motivation

Feel like the struggle is worth the while

I want to find pleasure in the smallest things

I want to believe in myself, tell myself I can fly away from this version of me I’m starting to hate..

But this self-doubting is cutting off my wings

And lately I’ve been telling myself it’s too late

 

I’ve been here so many times before

I’ve told myself so many times

«I ain’t doing this destructive shit no more»

Maybe that’s why I just can’t change

A positive mindset is so hard to arrange

I’m so scared of my own thoughts..

They can get so strange

One day I’m fine

Then the next day I wake up and I’m outta my mind

 

It’s so hard to know how hard I can push

And if I can even trust the lust I feel for life

I’m always balancing on the edge  of a knife

I want to be brave

I want to break the chains in my head that is keeping me a slave

I want to grow

I want to be so much more

Than I am now

But how?

 

One step at the time

It goes slow but it’s alright

I have learned the hardest way

Maybe someone can, but

I sure do not change over night

 

One step at the time..

Right now, I’m doing fine

I have control over my own mind

(It can change so fast..)

At least I’m no longer stuck in the past

 

Gotta accept

There is so much I have yet to learn

And self-acceptance takes time to earn

Just try, always keep trying

Let go of these thoughts that I’m dying

I am learning to regulate the pain

And if I go insane, that’s shit luck

Nothing else to do than start over again

 

I am working on going from my own worst nemesis..

To becoming my own best friend

Silence the cruel critic inside my head

Tell myself kindly: I can do this!

I can, I will do this..

 

Doesn’t matter how long it takes

Or if I sometimes gotta hit the brakes

That I sometimes hit and miss

I can do this!

I can, I will do this

It may not be smooth, but I’ll make it through

C’mon 2022

There is hard work to do 👊🏼

 

 

(A song about self-hate, giving in, giving up- and then get up and give life one more shot)

 

 

Maybe it’s better to stand still than to be in freefall

Just feels like I’m all outta air

Perhaps it’s better to feel pain rather than nothing at all

Should do something about the situation

but I am afraid I don’t really care

 

 

Give you a bullet with my name engraved

I think I’d rather die than be enslaved

C’mon sniper, don’t miss

If I turn into a venomous viper

Know I bite if you hear me hiss

Keep me in the scope

I think I’m at the end of my rope

FIRE FIRE FIRE

 

 

Maybe it’s better to be frozen in time, than to be hot and in hell

Just feels like I’m buckled in chains

And maybe it’s better to be depressed, than depressed AND psycho as well

It’s my life, I just can’t seem to take the reins

 

 

Give you a bullet with my name engraved

I think I’d rather die than be enslaved

C’mon sniper, don’t miss

If I turn into a venomous viper

Know I bite if you hear me hiss

Keep me in the scope

I think I’m at the end of my rope

FIRE FIRE FIRE

 

 

Maybe it’s better to be stuck in a little prison cell rather than growing a tail and horns and be the demon raising hell

It just feels like I’m hit in my foxhole

Maybe it’s better crawling in circles rather than running head first into the wall

Just know this mind is very hard to control

 

 

Keep me in the scope

I think I’m at the end of my rope

C’mon sniper!

Keep tabs on me, that bullet got my name engraved

I think it’s me who’s keeping myself enslaved..

Shit, it’s me keeping myself enslaved!

 

SEIZE FIRE

I’m waving the white flag

C’mon sniper, give me a shot

Sit this one out

Let me get one last try

Before you pull the trigger

I’m ready to give it all I got

Before I die

Before I die..!

Don’t pull, let me have this shot

I’ll give it all I got!

 

 

 

 

Okay, okay- Let me be the first to admit it: I have ENOUGH items in my wardrobe.. But you know when you are bored and tell yourself you’re just gonna peep what’s out there..? I thought it was safe- When I’ve been looking in physical stores lately, I have found nothing that pleases my aestethic and I started to believe that nothing that’s on trend right now is my thing.. Well, of course looking online is a different story because the possibilities are pretty much endless.. So now (damn me) I fell down the rabbit hole and I have a wish-list.. That I try really hard to not obsess over. Maybe typing it will help..? Or maybe it will make it worse.. Anyway, here goes:

 

 

Imagesource: H&M.com

 

This coat from H&M is currently at full price (699 NKR) During a Norwegian winter I crave colors, and it does not get any better than a vibrant green. If I had to pick one color that describes «happy» I’d pick this shade. BUT I have enough coats, so I can’t really justify buying this one.. Unless it drops to a ridiculously low price.. One can hope, right?

 

 

Imagesource: Zalando.no

 

I’ve wanted a pair of metallic gold boots for years now, and the only thing more tacky than that are perhaps these in metallic pink.. (Also available in gold, but I think I love the pink ones more).. They are so ME on my boldest and I love it.. How cool would these babies be paired with the green coat above?? From the brand Even & Odd/ Zalando..

 

This dream of a seconhand faux fur is currently listed on Ebay.. It looks so glamorous and exclusive, and I kinda want to sell all my coats in exchange for this.. I’m just scared it’s mostly for show and not practical for the cold Norwegian winter.. Oh and yeah, I do NOT need it 😅

 

This vintage treasure is also up for grabs on Ebay.. I want it so bad! Cropped blazer..? Red sequins all over?? It’s one of those timeless pieces that you just know you’ll keep until it falls apart..

 

 

Okay, that’s it.. I’ll be strong! You need food and roof over your head, woman! 😅

Happy new year 🥳

 

Nyttårsaften er årets største pyntedag, eller..? Jeg trives IKKE i kjole, men julaften og nyttår er det liksom obligatorisk.. Vingla veldig når det kom til hvordan kvelden skulle feires, men det ble ganske perfekt: Først pizza med gjengen min hjemme hos mamma, og så videre til party.

 

Jeg har hatt rimelig kontroll på angsten det siste halvåret, men når jeg kom inn døra til kompisen min bare utstyrt med 0,5 l cola zero som «styrkedrikk», og innså at rommet stort sett bestod av ukjente.. Uæh, da kjente jeg den stygge gamle angsten kicke inn for fullt. Men det gikk bra. Klarte å ikke miste hodet helt. Stolt av meg selv 😅

 

 

 

Klar over at det kan se ut som jeg sporter en liten babybump, men kan AVKREFTE det- og bekrefte at i året som gikk ble det ikke mye trening på meg.. Så vet dere det 😅

 

Kveldens makeup 🤡 Og favorittkåpa, føles som å gå rundt med dyna mi. Veska er Alexander Wang, bruktkupp fra Ebay.

 

 

Haha, disse skoene har jeg faktisk kjøpt brukt av ei av værdamene fra TV2, fra den tiden hun hadde blogg 😅 Så har hatt dem i mange år, kan du si.. Elsker dem fortsatt, skikkelig «stripper heels» med noen solide cm på hælen, men de er faktisk veldig komfortable. Elsker høye hæler, men de fleste er jo så vonde å gå i at man nesten griner etter 5 min!

 

Skal snart ha et møte og forsøke å legge en plan for det nye året.. Jeg vet at 2022 kommer til å by på utfordringer, faceplants og fuck-ups, men faen heller: Det skal også være plass til VEKST. Tok noen store steg i 2021, og opplevde mer fremgang enn jeg har hatt på lenge. For ikke å snakke om at jeg kom meg gjennom mye vondt og vanskelig.. Jeg har klart mer enn jeg har gitt meg selv cred for!

 

Snubla over denne på instagram og må nesten dele den her..

 

 

Spesielt det siste punktet der.. Jeg er så sulten på å finne mening med tilværelsen! For meg så er det veldig knyttet opp til hva kan jeg bruke meg selv til her i livet.. Og det har jeg ikke funnet ut av enda. Jeg vil jo bli en bedre venn, datter, søster, tante, og ikke minst bidra til samfunnet- men skal jeg komme noen vei må jeg nok også bli bedre til å ta vare på meg selv. Og tro på meg selv, og egne ressurser. Og det vanskeligste av alt: Tåle å være dårlig til ting jeg ikke mestrer fra før av! Stå i det å være nybegynner, rett og slett.

 

En kompis av meg sa for noen år siden noe av det beste jeg har hørt, noen gang: «I don’t stress. If I don’t make it today, I will eventually». Så målet mitt for dette året (og resten av livet for så vidt) er at jeg skal IKKE gi opp. Jeg skal videre, uansett hvor lang tid det tar. Og jeg skal heie like mye på meg selv som jeg gjør på alle andre.

 

Må 2022 bringe fremgang til oss alle ❤️