Not doing this for exposure

It’s me using needle and thread, and my own words..

Giving myself closure

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🎵

I was so brave for you

I stretched myself thin for you

My loyalty ment nothing

Or maybe you thought it’d never break

I can put up with a lot

But I ain’t keeping something that’s fake

You do whatever it takes to get what you want

You always need to compete

You steal, you lie, you cheat

Anything to attain something new to flaunt

🎵

I sincerely hope you enjoy the life you’re flashing

Still, no form of success is everlasting

You look down on me, I get it-

You never will tho’:

I don’t want to be like you

Nah, I don’t wanna be like you

🎵

I still remember how you said I should be jealous

Like I ever wanted what you have

Your life always seemed like such a cage to me

Working so damn hard to keep up the appearance

Always in need of something new to show off

I only want the feeling of being free

The only one I depend on for that

Is me

🎵

Now I see clearly, we were never really close

You just kept me around, thinking I’d make you shine brighter

«We’re like sisters» you wrote, but now I’m holding a lighter

That paper is burning now, so is the bridge between us

Thanks for trying to throw me under the bus

There’s nothing left to do

The knife in my back, I’m pulling it out

And handing it, all bloody, back to you

Wounds heal

But there’s nothing to be done about a friend that ain’t for real

🎵

All your education, still you pull this petty shit like some 6 year old on the playground

You just told me you really hate me without making a sound

No degree can teach you class

Never thought you’d stoop this low tho’

Sorry, I ain’t up for kissing ass

You keep talking about me like I’m trash

Our bond is burning, you drew a broken heart in the ash

Hoping you’d break mine, but it ain’t made of glass

And then you reach out a hand, and get surpised when I pass

You crossed the line, old friend turned foe

I didn’t even know there was a beef, but now I know

I always thought you were stunning, but there’s a real ugly side to you and thank god that you finally put it out for show

🎵

There she goes, the self-proclaimed queen

She ain’t as confident as she may seem

You don’t treat others like that if you got real self esteem

🎵

You’ll never get it, I don’t wanna be like you

I don’t want your mortgage, your marriage, your student loan..

Why would I want your life, when I have my own?

Keep your flashy things, your fancy titles

Don’t want your man, your house, your cars

I don’t need that shit, I am fine as long as I have my mind, and even when I lose it there is some lesson I can find..

I hope you’re happy with your life, ‘Cuz if I were you I’d feel like I was living behind bars

🎵

I could have forgiven, if you’d provide me with a honest ‘why’

But the words you spoke came from a place of plain arrogance and selfishness

I’m not bitter- I just think I deserve better

This is not revenge.

It’s goodbye

Sometimes I beg for my heart to just stop

I can’t stand how much it hurts

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All my life I was merely just a shadow

Then you died

And I turned into a ghost

I gasp for air

It takes so damn long to suffocate

I reach for a hand

But it’s never there

All my life

All my life

Was it all in vain

Every tear

Every damn drop

Could not relieve the pain

I don’t cry anymore

And I don’t dream

I am so misunderstood

Neither as strong nor as fragile as I seem

You don’t know

And I’ll never tell you

And you never cared

Until the cracks in my armour began to show

I’ve always failed you

And I guess you hate

That you never broke me down to a slave

And I’m sure you hate me even more for leaking

All the things I could not carry all the way to the grave

Have you ever had a dream turned into a nightmare..?

I can still feel your venom in my veins

And in my head I can still sometimes hear the rattle of chains

But I ain’t going near your place

and I no longer chase

those filthy imaginary scenarios- ERASED

They had me starving, craving you like heroin

My sweet, darling medicine

Comes at such a high cost

If I cave in

I know that all is lost

Baby you burn like acid on my tongue

Poisoning my heart and my lungs

I can’t seem to breathe around you

and for a while there I didn’t want to breathe without you

But it means the death of me

If I surrender

You fuck like a machine

but you do not love tender

I can still smell your perfume on my skin

And I know that if you came banging on my door

I’d probably let you in

But I can’t keep wanting something you don’t have

I need your beating, bloody heart, that’s what I crave

And you are a lot of things, but I know one thing for sure

You are not really brave

Baby, you look like you were made in heaven

But you belong in hell

And I know that if I tie myself too close to you

You will drag me there as well

You got these warm hands

They melt my skin, and turn my intestines to butter

You can take me all the way to heaven but

I always wake up in the gutter

I can’t keep up

this wicked fantasy

That we were ever ment to be

I let you go

I know now this feels so great,

but that does not mean that it’s good for me

You are nothing but a scar now

And we all know

That wounds can heal

I can’t change that I met you

But I can change how I feel

and what I felt- I am telling myself:

It was never really real

This one is for my ride or die:

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Spit fire, my dragon

Spread your wings and soar

Show those motherfuckers who doubted you

It’s about time they hear you roar

You can do this

Grab life by the balls

I believe in you, mi amor

🎵

You are special, I’ve known it since the day you were born

You are gifted and talented,

And although you feel broken at times, you are NOT torn

You have a purpose in life, don’t waste your potential

Go out in the spotlight, aim for the stars

You don’t need a man, you don’t need sheep’s approval

You got the words in your arsenal, you got bars

🎵

C’mon baby dragon!

Get out of that hole, get out of the dump

Slay your demons, I believe in you!

You got what it takes, you will triumph

You choose your destiny, you decide your own fate

And don’t let anyone tell you bullshit like «It’s too late»

It’s never too late

Leave the hate,

Love yourself-

Why shouldn’t you,

you’re fucking great

🎵

Spit fire, my dragon

Spread your wings and soar

Show those motherfuckers who doubted you

It’s about time they hear you roar

You can do this

Grab life by the balls

Take the hammer, break those brick walls

I believe in you, mi amor

🎵

C’mon baby dragon!

you decide where to go from here, the past is gone

Slay your demons, we believe in you!

There’s a fighter in you, get the gloves on

Stay true to what makes you YOU

Don’t leave the ring just because you got hit

You got the words in your arsenal, and there is flames from your mouth when you spit

Get up!

Keep fighting

The battle ain’t over

You got the words in your arsenal

Believe me, they are thunder and lightning

🎵

Never forget

If the whole world turns on ya

You got me, babe

You got your number one fan, and that’s me

You got your Suja 👊🏼

You and me then, you and me now, you and me forever ❤️

These demons, they all live rent free in my mind
Manifesting as mania, turns me into the worst of ‘em
Peace and purpose, I can’t find
Serenity, what a fucking gem!
3,2,1-
I’m counting down until I lose my shit again
Manic mess, psycopath, who and what will I become?
When these demons take over my brain
(Insane, insane, insane)
When these demons take over my brain
(Not again, not again, not again!)

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I don’t wanna be her
But she has a mind of her own, and it can’t be mine
It can’t be mine?!
Yet she rules superior, and she decides the place and the time
And I want to murder her so bad
But if she dies, so do I
(Now you know, don’t blame me if I try)

I wanna light the madness on fire, until it burns to ashes
Destroy it all, until all of me crashes
I can’t be under her spell…
I wanna light her on fire and send her to hell
And if I have to join her, well…

Sometimes I think the worst thing to be
Is alive
I’m sorry mama, but I said what I said
It’s like all the monsters escaped from under the bed
And now they live rent free inside my head
My fucking head!
I can’t escape this feeling of dread
The road ahead is filled with mines
I can’t see clearly because I’m always scouting for warning signs
All I want is to stay inside these lines
I don’t want to cross the border
I just want my thoughts to stay in order..
Cursed, this terrorist living rent free in my head..
Keep those damn thoughts in order!
Cursed, this damn bloody head
This fucking supranuclear bipolar disorder

Smiling in pictures, feeling pretty dead inside. Why is it so hard for me to just be alive..? I need more.. I just don’t know what the hell I’m searching for. I don’t know why it feels like I’m dying, or why it’s so hard to find the motivation to keep trying. When a door slams shut in my face, it’s so hard for me to take. I feel like every little step forward always leads to ten steps back. Courage and persistence, is a skillset I lack. (I am the black sheep among angels) I need so bad some proof that I’m not completely useless, but.. (I have this amazing family, but we should be strangers)

Every damn attempt just shows I’m a hopeless case. I don’t know where to go from here. I want to build a version of me I can actually tolerate.. But the more I fail at it, the more of me there is to HATE. And if only you knew, all these messed up components that makes up my damn dysfunctional self, you’d hate me too. And something tells me that you do (I don’t blame you)

Heaven or hell; it’s all a state of mind for me. There’s more of a satan than a saint in me, so it was easy to figure out where I ought to be. I told myself I’d do my time and pay for my sins, but now I’m stuck here and I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I deserve to set myself free. Pitch black everything, that’s my comfort zone and I’m terrified of the light. I sleep through the days and suffer through the night. And when you ask, I tell you it’s alright.. It’s not alright, but I don’t want you to worry. If you are still capable of loving me, I know it’s hard to do, and I’m so sorry.. I’m so damn sorry. I’m so consumed with self hatred and I could not blame you if you hate me too. And a part of me almost hope that you do..

I’m not asking for mercy.. And when I break down and you still embrace me I feel so unworthy. All the times you’re strong for me and I collapse in your arms.. I feel so unworthy.. You are so much more than I’ll ever be. And it’s so unfair that I’m always the one falling, and you gotta be there to catch me. I wish you’d just let me break. Undeserving love, sometimes it’s more than I can take. I’m so damn hard to love, so much easier to hate.. Sad truth is it’s easier than to change my fate

I can’t be like this

Can’t look myself in the mirror anymore

Can’t recall if its always been like this

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Or if I was in any way different before

Can’t take no more

There’s nothing left to dull the pain

I try each day to change

But I can’t seem to

Hence the self-hatred remain

I fear it’s pushing me over the border

Makes me lose my mind again

I miss wanting to make you laugh

I miss the urge to smile

i need some motivation

Feel like the struggle is worth the while

I want to find pleasure in the smallest things

I want to believe in myself, tell myself I can fly away from this version of me I’m starting to hate..

But this self-doubting is cutting off my wings

And lately I’ve been telling myself it’s too late

I’ve been here so many times before

I’ve told myself so many times

«I ain’t doing this destructive shit no more»

Maybe that’s why I just can’t change

A positive mindset is so hard to arrange

I’m so scared of my own thoughts..

They can get so strange

One day I’m fine

Then the next day I wake up and I’m outta my mind

It’s so hard to know how hard I can push

And if I can even trust the lust I feel for life

I’m always balancing on the edge  of a knife

I want to be brave

I want to break the chains in my head that is keeping me a slave

I want to grow

I want to be so much more

Than I am now

But how?

One step at the time

It goes slow but it’s alright

I have learned the hardest way

Maybe someone can, but

I sure do not change over night

One step at the time..

Right now, I’m doing fine

I have control over my own mind

(It can change so fast..)

At least I’m no longer stuck in the past

Gotta accept

There is so much I have yet to learn

And self-acceptance takes time to earn

Just try, always keep trying

Let go of these thoughts that I’m dying

I am learning to regulate the pain

And if I go insane, that’s shit luck

Nothing else to do than start over again

I am working on going from my own worst nemesis..

To becoming my own best friend

Silence the cruel critic inside my head

Tell myself kindly: I can do this!

I can, I will do this..

Doesn’t matter how long it takes

Or if I sometimes gotta hit the brakes

That I sometimes hit and miss

I can do this!

I can, I will do this

It may not be smooth, but I’ll make it through

C’mon 2022

There is hard work to do 👊🏼

(A song about self-hate, giving in, giving up- and then get up and give life one more shot)

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Maybe it’s better to stand still than to be in freefall

Just feels like I’m all outta air

Perhaps it’s better to feel pain rather than nothing at all

Should do something about the situation

but I am afraid I don’t really care

Give you a bullet with my name engraved

I think I’d rather die than be enslaved

C’mon sniper, don’t miss

If I turn into a venomous viper

Know I bite if you hear me hiss

Keep me in the scope

I think I’m at the end of my rope

FIRE FIRE FIRE

Maybe it’s better to be frozen in time, than to be hot and in hell

Just feels like I’m buckled in chains

And maybe it’s better to be depressed, than depressed AND psycho as well

It’s my life, I just can’t seem to take the reins

Give you a bullet with my name engraved

I think I’d rather die than be enslaved

C’mon sniper, don’t miss

If I turn into a venomous viper

Know I bite if you hear me hiss

Keep me in the scope

I think I’m at the end of my rope

FIRE FIRE FIRE

Maybe it’s better to be stuck in a little prison cell rather than growing a tail and horns and be the demon raising hell

It just feels like I’m hit in my foxhole

Maybe it’s better crawling in circles rather than running head first into the wall

Just know this mind is very hard to control

Keep me in the scope

I think I’m at the end of my rope

C’mon sniper!

Keep tabs on me, that bullet got my name engraved

I think it’s me who’s keeping myself enslaved..

Shit, it’s me keeping myself enslaved!

SEIZE FIRE

I’m waving the white flag

C’mon sniper, give me a shot

Sit this one out

Let me get one last try

Before you pull the trigger

I’m ready to give it all I got

Before I die

Before I die..!

Don’t pull, let me have this shot

I’ll give it all I got!

Gotta let you go, this leads to nowhere

It’s getting hot as in hell, and I’ve already been there

I’m not the one you really want, but honestly I don’t care

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‘Cuz the feeling is mutual

I guess real love ain’t that usual

Keeps me from going to the bottom, suicidal

But I’d rather commit to that than going full on bridal

(Now ya know)

Do you feel anything at all..?

If so, don’t let it show

Let’s be cold and numb together

Freeze your heart, that’s how we play

Frost-bite from the kisses, it’s okay

There’s nothing to be felt anymore

The blood in my veins has run cold as ice

My sanity, can I hold on to it this time, roll the dice

I am searching so hard for a purpose

But at what price..?

Life is fucking hard, and to be honest sometimes I really do hate it

I want to stay in touch with reality, but at the same time I wanna escape it

There’s a demon lurking at the back of my skull, and I’m questioning my soul

I don’t think I wanna live ’till I’m old (the days are long,a and the nights are longer)

I am searching so hard for a purpose, but I can’t seem to aim at a goal

(They say what doesn’t kill you make you stronger, but I don’t know)

That somehow doesn’t soften the blow

It’s kinda horrible what life can throw

And believe me it hurts, when it hits you below

Gotta get my shit together, because this shit is outta control

But I’m too scared to leave my foxhole

I know you can’t see it, but there’s a war in my head

That’s why I sleep away the days, pretending I’m dead

I can’t feel anything that makes me feel content

I can’t keep a job to pay the rent

I ain’t happy with the situation,

Still can’t stop the depressed thoughts that keeps going on rotation

I just don’t know how to map out a route

Stop myself from all the questioning and self-doubt

or how to take the first steps

I’ve made so many moves I regret

Blood in my veins, as cold as ice

Live or die- roll the dice

The worst thing is being a living dead I guess

And lately it’s been feeling like every day I’m living less

I’m questioning if I got what it takes

Questioning my mind, is it time to hit the brakes

Before life hits me in the face

(It’s always too late)

Before I turn into someone I hate

(It’s ALWAYS too late)

You see me, but you don’t feel me

You touch me, but you can’t reach me

And all the lessons in the world, can’t teach me

How not to self-destruct

Kaboom, there goes my brain

All my efforts down the drain

I’d give anything

ANYTHING

To just stay sane

I know you hate me when I go there

It’s ok, I hate this version of me too

I know my illness is more than you can bear

I know you can’t forgive the crazy shit it makes me do

(I understand, I can’t forgive myself either)

And sometimes I ask myself if its better I just disappear

It’s so hard for me to make up my mind

I want to protect you, but I can’t seem to find

The way through these mines, I keep tripping

Shipping you into this bloody mess, both of us slipping..

Oh god, why can’t I just bleed out alone

And oh, please turn your heart into a stone

I don’t want to be the one that breaks you

Shut me out

Let me go

Cut me loose from that rope love once tied around your neck

Save yourself, I understand

Trust me now, I understand!

Pushing you away, I know

This madness is like fire, and if you get too close you’ll only burn out too

So I’m not asking you to linger here

Or put up with my shit

I know it’s too hard to do

You loved me once, and it was mutual

And if you’d ask I’d tell you

«Yes, I still do»

But saying that now will only sound rude

So I’m not gonna reach for your hand

I have to burn in solitude

It’s okay

Freeze your heart

Turn it into a stone

Promise me, that when the madness ignites me and I go down in flames

Your blood must turn cold in your veins

And you let me burn alone

You let me burn alone!

Living in a bubble I can’t burst

I don’t know, what’s the deal

Is it bad luck or am I straight up cursed

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Psychotic mess turned psycopath

Numb and cold, dealing with the aftermath

Feeling more like a machine than a human these days

Oh, I want to be so much more than this..

But I’m stuck in my old wicked ways

Does it even matter who or what broke me first

I don’t think I was ever quite right

I’m so ashamed

How I turned this ugly truth into a beautiful lie

How I sorta brainwashed myself into madness

I couldn’t handle it, I guess

It was this one thing that didn’t make me wanna die

But forgive me, now I do

I’ve fought so hard, but these walls won’t shake

Instead, it’s my own bones I break

in every damn bloody attempt to get a breakthrough

And now I tell you I’m sorry

for pulling you into this web i spun

Inside this damn dark head

I do feel bad..

To be frank, the only thing I could not fuck up

is probably if I were dead

So next time you see me, bring your gun

Pull the damn trigger, paint the wall with my useless brain

Then you can spit on my grave while you pop the champagne

Nothing about me is good or pure

Toxic and destructive; in blood, flesh, mind and soul

Is there even a cure?

And my brain, this damn nuclear bomb..

I just can’t control!

I’m so tired of this

All these endless nights, when I can’t sleep

and I can’t shut up in my head

And you are probably in someone else’s bed

I fucked up, what else is new

Know so damn well what I’ve put you through

I just wish I could call and ask how you do

Maybe I’d even admit to the fact that

I’m so damn lonely without you

You don’t care, I know

Always reaping the rotten fruit that I sow

Keeping myself on my toes

Endure all these bloody woes

I’m the worst person I’ve ever met

Isn’t strange how all my friends turn to foes

I am the one thing they all regret

Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s just fate

I have to handle myself (even though I’m more than I can take)

And these walls, they won’t shake

These walls, these walls..

It’s all I know

Bang my head against these fucking walls

Inside this bubble, I can’t burst..

Does it even matter, who or what broke me first

I was never quite right