It started with the rap and the rhymes for me, and I think that will always be my jam.

 

Still got nightmares about it

I dream about my teacher warning me

»If you miss out on more now, what do you think you’ll ever be»

I always knew that if I dropped out, I might just never find a way back to a normal life

Bye to the kids, the picket fence, the damn dog, being somebody’s wife

But life happens, life crashes, and life sometimes stabs you with a knife

 

High school dropout, I’m that high school dropout

I know everyone thinks it was an easy cop out

But depression hits hard, and it hits you fast

and you’d be surprise how long that shit can last

I was so damn young, but I got stuck

Yeah I got stuck in the past

 

My best friend called, she said «What the fuck is going on»

and after a while no one even bothered to blow up my phone

I guess they saw that the girl I used to be, she was gone

I was like a living dead, I was haunted in my head, and the friends I had they all moved on

 

High school dropout, I’m that high school dropout

and everyone probably thinks it was a cop out

but depression hits hard and it hits you fast

and it doesn’t help that when everything falls apart

Pretty soon all you are, is an outcast

Yeah, all I am is the outcast

 

I stressed myself the fuck out, ‘Cuz I knew that if I dropped out I’d lose it all

But you’d be surprised at how fast and how hard you can fall

I couldn’t get up in the morning, all I wanted was to die

I lost all my reasons, I no longer had a ‘why’

I wanted to die, and damn it I would even try

But what do you know, I failed at that too

What a shock, huh, I fail at everything I do

 

High school dropout, I’m that high school drop out

Everyone thinks it was an easy cop out

Nah, I just wanted to be cropped out

I just wanted to not exist anymore

I didn’t just close that door, I wanted to close every door

You lose all perspective when you are flat out on the floor

Depression hits hard, and it hits you fast

and you’d be surprised how long that shit can last

So I dropped out, I dropped out

and now I am the outcast

I’m the, I’m the outcast

 

High school drop out, but I’m still alive I guess

Soon 35, still trying to figure out this mess

I guess not a lot of people would call this success

Then again, I kinda do

After all I’m the only one who knows

all the shit I’ve waded through

 

High school dropout, I’m that high schooldrop out

High school dropout, shout out to my high school dropouts

and to everyone who knows what it feels to be knocked the fuck out

 

 

I got this uncomfortable feeling

That I’m not ment for anything, and I’m not ment for anyone

and sometimes I lose track completely

of who I’m fighting for, who I’m dreaming of

Who is it again, that I want to become

 

Love won’t call my name

Love won’t call my name

I am forever lost

Forever lost..?

I’m losing the game

 

I see myself as this old, sad woman

I think I’m destined to be her, be her

and I don’t know the steps to take to escape this fate

There’s a voice in my head telling me

I am already too late, it’s too late

 

Love won’t call my name

No love won’t call my name

I am forever lost

Forever lost..?

I’m losing every game

 

Sometimes it feels like everything I’ve endured was all in vain

Sometimes the only thing I can feel fully, is the pain

But there is a fire burning deep within

and I know I can grow thicker skin

until I am strong enough, strong enough

To go all in the game, any game, and I might just win

I might just win..

 

Love won’t call my name

No love won’t call my name

But loving myself, that’s where I aim

Yeah loving myself is where I aim

and that kind of love, that kind of love

Now that’s a love I could claim

 

In the end, all I know is..

Death will call my name

Yeah, death will call my name

If you are born, that’s the only end to the game

Death will call my name

 

Death will call our names

Death will call out our names

So let’s pick up whatever remains

And break free from these chains

Let’s break free from these chains!

 

 

Til ho tante Else, til alle som avsluttet livet sitt, og til alle som tenker på å avslutte livet sitt.

 

 

There’s no way to reach you now

Now it’s too late to pick up the phone and call

and maybe if I had known, if I had done it

It would not have changed anything at all

But I know how it feels, longing to just disappear

I know how it sounds, when death whispers in your ear

Still, I had no idea someone as vibrant, someone as lively as you

That you heard those whispers, that you felt drawn against death too

and even after all these years, it’s still hard to accept that death got you

 

If only I knew

Maybe there was nothing I could really do

Still, I wish that I knew

‘Cuz I know that you had what it took

To push, to live it through

 

I know all too well

Life can be heaven, but it can also be hell

and sometimes we all need someone to tell

That life is a storm right now, but it can all turn out well

We can turn out well

and there is a way, a route

that leads us out of hell

 

If I could have talked you out of it

Maybe I couldn’t, but I would have wanted to try

There’s so much I’d like to say before I had to say goodbye

More than anything I wish I’d known

That you were in a desperate place, in need of an ally

 

I know all too well

That the darkest thoughts can feel like being under a spell

and sometimes we all need someone to tell

That life is a storm right now, but it can all turn out well

We can turn out well

And if there’s a way in, there’s also a way out

A way out, away from our personal hell

 

If I can talk you out of it

Maybe I can’t, but I’d like to try

There’s so much you can do, before you say goodbye

More than anything, I want to say

I’m here, if you are in a desperate place, in desperate need

of an ally..

 

If I can talk you out of it..

The way I’ve talked myself out of it

If I can talk you out of it

If I can motivate you just a little bit longer

Give it time, give yourself the time

You got what it takes, to be stronger

You got what it takes

and the heart can endure so much before it breaks

and even broken hearts can heal

You can heal

and just know you are never alone, you are never alone

No matter how lonely and lost you may feel

 

If I can talk you out of it

If I can reach you in this darkness

There’s only one of you, you know, and no one can replace you

Give it time, give yourself the time

You deserve to give yourself time

Wanting to die, is not a crime, it’s not a crime

But if you are at the bottom, you can climb, you can climb

Life is a storm right now, but it can all turn out well

You can turn out well

and if there’s a way in, then there’s gotta be, gotta be

a way out, a way out..

Of our own personal hell

 

There is a way out.

 

 

 

For my partners in crime ❤️

 

 

 

Come on now, baby

Yeah, the drugs they call on you

But don’t pick up, don’t pick up

You are ment for so much more than that

So keep going, keep going, don’t stop!

 

Life likes to put us to the test

The night offers no time to rest, no time to rest

But remember, bad girls are the best

Yeah, that’s what I said: Bad girls are the best!

So come on, come on now

I hope I’m that someone that you can trust

Come on now, join me- a better life is waiting

We can, we will, and we must!

 

Come on now, darling

Yeah, life gave you one right in the socket

and now you’re standing still, with your hands in your pocket

Ah, life is unfair, that’s just the way it is

But you got the balls and the backbone to live through this

You can live through this!

 

Life, life is this one long quest

and some of us are cursed, very few are blessed

but remember what I told ya, bad girls are the best

Yeah, that’s what I said, bad girls are the best

So come on, come on now

Don’t let your faith turn into dust

Come on now, join me- a better life is waiting

and we CAN, we WILL, and we MUST!

 

I see that look in your pretty face, babe

You’re hurting and doubting and wondering why

and in your head you’re thinking “I shouldn’t even try”

But baby, there’s always the time to die

There’s always a time to die

So look into my eye

and tell me, would I lie?

Nah, so I’m just letting you know

You are the brightest shining star on the entire fucking sky

 

Yeah, sometimes the heart burns inside the chest

and life can throw us more than we are able to digest

So why do I keep saying that bad girls are the best?

‘cuz I am one, and I know some, and that’s why I can attest

Yeah, bad girls are, bad girls, are, bad girls are the best

So come on now, come on now

I hope I am, hope I am

Someone you can trust

Come on, come on, a better life is waiting

and WE CAN, WE WILL, WE MUST

 

 

Spent years in that classroom

Spent years, trying not to grow up too soon

Spent years in that schoolyard

Spent years, trying to hide that I was already scarred

Life was rough, and I was too soft

Always having to pretend that I was hard

 

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I was right there, but I guess they didn’t want to see

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I don’t know why it affects me

Or why it should matter at all for who I’m trying to be

But it still feels like, feels like

There’s no room for me in this world

I’m still her, I’m still that invisible girl

 

Spent years, on the outside

Spent years, looking in

Spent years, being angry- when I should have cried

But I could not mourn the parts of me that died

And I was always too sensitive and my skin was too thin

and I could not knock on the door, no one invited me in

 

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I was right there, but I guess they didn’t want to see

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I don’t know why it affects me

Or why it should matter at all for who I’m trying to be

But it still feels like, feels like

There’s no room for me in this world

And I still feel like, feel like

I’m still her, I’m still the invisible girl

 

All grown up now, but I can still look in the mirror and wonder where I went

All grown up now, but I can still get frustrated over the parts of me that are bent

Yeah, I’m all grown up but I still feel like I’m 8 at times

And in my head, there’s still these scenes from other people’s crimes

and I look at where I’m at and asking why I haven’t gotten any better or further

and at the lowest points of my life I think I’m someone I should murder

I’m someone I should murder..

 

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

They always looked at me and never liked what they could see

They don’t remember me, remember me

It’s like I was wiped out from all of history

Ah, but it’s no mystery

And it should not matter at all for who I’m trying to be

But I can’t help it, ‘cuz it still feels like, feels like

There’s no room for me in this world

and I still feel like, feel like

after all these years, I’m still her, I’m still that invisible girl

I’m still that invisible girl

 

 

They ask me why I sleep the day away

And I could explain, but would they understand what I say..?

 

I sleep so I don’t have to look at all these people going places

They all have this look, like they matter, on their faces

And I’m caged in, too scared to walk out the door at times

Feeling like my life doesn’t measure up to other people’s lives

 

She’s queen at night, loser by day

Asking herself why she acts this way

If anyone knows..

None will tell

And she doesn’t know how to lift this spell

She always feels like there’s someone she betrays

Wasting away her life, her potential

Yet she’s stuck in her ways

 

I’m up at night, because everyone else is asleep

I’m losing track of the days of the week

It doesn’t matter, no one misses me when they are awake

Somehow I handle it at night

In the harsh daylight it’s more than I can take

 

I sleep at day because that’s what it takes to keep the monsters at bay

If I sleep at night, they get to me in my dreams somehow and I’m scared of what they say

They tell me things that rings too true

My every move is wrong, what I say, what I feel, what I do

And when they wring their pointy fingers like daggers around my throat

They won’t let go, until I wake up, blue.

 

She’s queen at night, loser by day

Asking herself why she acts this way

If anyone knows..

They will not say

She always feels like there’s someone she betrays

Wasting away her life, her potential

Yet she’s stuck in her ways

 

Please don’t ask me why

I know you will not understand what I say

And you would only tell me

I’m wasting my life away..

Yeah, I’m wasting life away

 

Queen by night, loser by day

I’m wasting, wasting all my life away

Queen by night, loser by day

Wasting, wasting wasting..

The life I cannot live

I’m wasting it away..

Wasting it away

 

 

 

Suffering from mental illness to the point where you struggle to function, struggle to do what society expects or wants from you; is hard. It can be difficult for other people to understand your limitations when they can’t see what goes on in your head- and it can be hard to aknowledge it for yourself when you can’t always pinpoint why you struggle the way you do. There’s still a lot of taboos surrounding mental illness. It’s still easy for someone battling it, to feel shame and self-hatred. I know I do at times. But  practically no one wants to be sick, and that goes for mental illness as well. Most of us dream about just being able to function like the majority does. And it’s soul-crushing to face defeat after defeat, when chasing «doing what ‘everyone’ else is capable of doing». You look at the people you admire, and wonder what it is they have, that you are not able to figure out for yourself. I have this super-human of a mother, and I don’t know how I’m gonna be just a fraction of everything she is. She raised 3 resourceful, resilient children- and then there’s me- the completely useless piece of shit. This song is about being that piece of shit, I guess. Or feeling like a piece of shit- because I know somewhere deep inside there’s resources and potential that I haven’t yet been able to tap into. I am on a journey trying to get there- but this song is about the difficult feelings I have at times, when that journey seem to be at a dead-end. But remember: At dead-ends, we just start over again 👊🏼

 

 

How does it feel to be you

And do all the things that you do

You check off on the list

You get it, if you wish

 

I’m not saying you don’t work hard, I know bloody well that you do

And none of what you have, was just handed down to you

And more than anything, that is why I wish I could be like you

And do all the things

That you are able to do

 

I’m just here, sabotaging myself

I’m just sittin’ down here, at the bottom shelf

I’m just stuck inside my head

Nah, I’m not mad that for a second there

You believed I was already dead

I think so too at times, to be honest

 

How does it feel to be you

Is there anything you can’t push through

And do you loathe me like I do

For not being able to function

like you do..?

 

’Scuse me while I question myself and fall apart

Stick my fingers together from trying to glue back together the pieces of my heart

Have you ever felt trapped inside your own body, like it was a prison cell?

And does the inside of your skull sometimes feel like hell..?

If so, I feel it too.. To be honest.

 

How does it feel to be you?

I’m just wondering what you do

If there’s a blueprint I could copy

So I could stop being.. Well, me

How does it feel to be you

Oh, how does it feel to be you

Just slip into your shoe

And make something, anything come true..

 

I’m fading away

I’m fading..

How does it feel to be you..?

You can’t see me, can you..?

Just like I can’t do the things that you do

I can’t do the things you can do

and if you hate me for it, please know

I hate myself for it too

 

You say «that’s not gonna help», and you’re right

You say «that’s not gonna help» and you’re right

And then you tell me I’m a fighter

»So get back on your feet and fight!»

I hear you mama, hear you mama

I know that you are right

You’re right!

 

My mama said, mama said
We are figthers, and she’s right
My mama said, mama said

We are fighters, now say it to yourself in your head..

We are fighters, and that’s damn right

So come on, come on now

Let us keep going, let’s fight

 

Dedicated to the strongest woman I know ❤️ May I some day be half as tough as you, and I’ll be satisfied.

Have you ever been on the outside, looking in?

And felt like the art of socializing was this complicated game, you just couldn’t win..?

 

Welcome to the Lonely Club

We don’t want to talk about it but maybe we should

And we would all leave it if we could

But hey, if you feel it then feel it with me

I don’t think we are as alone in this as we are made to believe

No human heart is forged from steel

And yes, the feeling of being lonely hurts- but I think it’s more normal than we think- to feel

 

Have you ever put your whole heart into a friendship, and then it ended- and you never really knew why?

And have you been walked out on so many times

That now it terrifies you to even try?

Does it help that I tell you I’ve felt what you do

Does it help if I tell you

I’m terrified too?

 

So here it is, the Lonely club

We don’t want to talk about it, but maybe we should

And we would all leave it if we could

But hey, if you feel it- feel it with me

Who knows, in the future what we could be

Maybe we are not as alone in this as we think we are

You’re not galaxies away, you’re not a lonely star

Reach out your hand, and I might find it

And if I do, if we connect, I won’t let go

 

Have you ever talked to yourself just to hear a voice?

Have you ever felt like being alone was your only choice?

Have you cried yourself to sleep, and no one ever knew?

Have you questioned yourself to pieces and overanalyzed everything you do?

Well, does it help if I told you I’ve done all these things too?

Does it help to know

I feel just as insecure as you..?

 

So here we are, The Lonely Club

We don’t talk about it but maybe we should

Yeah, maybe we should

And we would all leave it if we could

 

But if my words reach you, and you can see

How it feels at times to be me

And you feel the same

Then you know you are not alone in this game

You are not alone in this game

And if there’s one thing I want you to let go of

It’s the feeling of shame

 

’Cuz being human is hard at times

Yeah, being human is hard at times

And it’s okay

So join me in this, and let’s look for a way

a way to leave the Lonely Club behind

Take my hand and walk with me, forward

We have some great people we need to find

We have some great people

we need to find..

 

Trust me. They are out there somewhere ✨

 

 

Jeg leste opp en av sangene mine for mamma i går, og hun sa at jeg virkelig burde prøve å få noe utgitt. Og jeg svarte som jeg alltid gjør, at «NÆH, det er ikke en vei jeg ønsker å gå». Men hjernen min durer jo videre som den også alltid gjør, og jeg begynte å tenke på om jeg kanskje skulle prøvd å skrive en bok med sangtekster, og så durte hjernen min videre og kom opp med idéen til Songs for the lost souls- a collection of songs for my fellow wanderers through the darkness.

Men bare tanken på å ta kontakt med et forlag, pitche meg selv og sende utkast, bli forkastet eller ikke få et svar engang, eventuelt måtte forholde meg til andres meninger og forslag til redigering/skroting av idéer, skrive en kontrakt, eventuell lønn, måtte forholde meg til eventuelle salgstall og liksom skulle «gå for suksess», ANDRE mennesker sin definisjon av suksess (eller flopp), altså ÆSJ jeg får brekninger bare av tanken. Det hadde vært helt BÆSJ, som jeg innbiller meg at min favoritt 4-åring ville sagt. Og etter et kjapt Google-søk fant jeg ut at de fleste norske forlag ikke er interessert i å gi ut noe som helst som ikke er på norsk. Og det er jeg ikke så veldig interessert i.

 

Men faen heller, selve idéen virker gøy! Så da gjør jeg det heller her, gratis og kontraktløst og bare for moroa. Sånn som jeg liker, sånn som jeg vil ha det.

 

So, here it is.

 

Songs for the lost souls; Track list:

 

1. How does it feel

2. Queen by night, loser by day

3. They don’t remember me

4. We can, we will, we must

5. If I could have talked you out of it

6. Love won’t call my name

7. High school drop-out

8. The past will not determine my fate

9. Don’t bow, don’t break

10. Do you even know how special you are

11. To die without dying

12. You will find yourself on the other side of this

13. You were born to be brave

14. You can go your own way

15. For the lost souls

 

 

Det meste jeg skriver, skjer spontant og på rappen. Jeg har aldri før lagt en plan sånn som dette her, og jeg er JÆVLIG ustrukturert og aner ikke om jeg klarer å skrive etter noe track-list (innser nå at det trenger jeg jo ikke heller, hoho- NO CONTRACT NO RULES 🤪) men jeg har faktisk lyst til å prøve, følge en oppsatt plan og skrive låtene i riktig rekkefølge, for djees.. Jeg MÅ øve meg på struktur og disipliiiin.. Det hadde gitt meg skikkelig mestringsfølelse å klare det.

 

I tillegg, når det er en plan over skrivingen så føles det også litt mer som forpliktelse, og litt mer som en JOBB (Og gud, som jeg ønsker meg one of those, gitt).

 

Javel, men da prøver jeg meg på det, da.

Wish me luck, og ikke døm meg for hardt om jeg feiler på dette opplegget da. Deeet klarer jeg fint selv, takk 😘

 

Kjærlig hilsen det sterkt svidde trynet mitt og et meget skeptisk blikk til hele dette opplegget, men.. Proving yourself wrong, that’s the proof you need, roasted girl 😂

 

I keep looking into myself with critical eyes

I don’t always like what I see

The older I get, the more I realise

I don’t really know anything at all

And I am still so far from

The human I want to be

 

I never want to hurt anyone intentionally

I finally reached the point where I don’t constantly hurt myself

But I don’t always act or speak rationally

And people walk around with scars I gave them

And I can’t always reach out and save them

From what I should know better than to do

And now I’m scared that, scared that..

One of those people, could be you

 

What can I say, but sorry

But sorry doesn’t work

No, sorry doesn’t work

When you reach a certain level

Of being hurt

I should know, I should know

 

I never treat people like games

I don’t trick, I don’t play

But I have too many words in my arsenal

And some of them I should never say

I am too old, to be excused

I hold myself accountable for my mistakes

But some of them don’t just hurt myself

And other people’s pain is something you just can’t erase

 

What can I say, but sorry

But sorry doesn’t work

No, sorry doesn’t work

When you reach a certain level

Of being, being hurt

And I should, I should know!

 

I’ve bled from wounds and I have cried myself to sleep

I have been cut off from people I really wanted to keep

I have been dumped, as a lover, as a friend

And I know I will experience it again

But I also sometimes cut into someone elses skin

And I start things I should know better than to begin

Family, love affairs, friends..

I’m not made for «forever», it seems

I’m just made for bitter ends

 

So what can I say, but sorry

But sorry just don’t work

No sorry doesn’t work

When you reach a certain level

Of being, being hurt

 

I should know, and I do

And I am sorry if I hurt you

But sorry doesn’t work

No, sorry just don’t work

When you reach a certain level

Of being, being hurt..