There was a time

I could balance the thin line

Between the desire between my thighs and the red flags in my mind

But in the end, there just wasn’t anything left to give

And I had to face that the time I spent with you

Is part of this one life I got to live

 

So I walked away

What’s left to say

No matter what, I couldn’t stay

And now it’s all out, all out, all out

All outta my system

 

Told myself it didn’t really matter

Good enough in bed, but what’s the catch

All the arguments, all the core beliefs that didn’t match

In the end, I could feel how the lust began to shatter

Wasn’t anything left to give

There’s no room for you in this one life I got to live

 

So I walked away

Not a word left to say

No matter what, I couldn’t stay

And now it’s all out, all out, all out

All outta my sy-sy-system

 

You probably think I’m looking for replacement

Someone that can save me from my own, mental basement

Truth is I’m doing fine by myself

I’ve placed this ‘lover’-thing on the shelf

Life is complicated enough

Don’t need a man to rough it up

And if there’s one thing I’ve discovered about myself..

It’s that I’m pretty damn tough

 

So I keep on walking, walking away

These rhymes, that’s all I got left to say

No matter what, I wouldn’t stay

And now it’s all out, all out, all OUT!

All outta my sy-sy-sy-SYSTEM

 

 

 

(Wasn’t intentional to smile like a smug cunt.. But I guess I am a smug cunt 😅)

Warning: Brutal as fuck. And it’s not about who you might think it is.. 😇

 

 

Sometimes I go to the gun shop in my head

I don’t tho’, ‘Cuz maybe it’s taking revenge too far

To take it into my own hands to have you dead

 

But..

If I had a gun

I’d show up on your door so you have nowhere to run

And finger pulls the trigger, and..

 

One shot to your shoulder, for the shit you couldn’t shoulder

One shot to the balls I doubt you have

One shot in the ass for how you’re always bending over

 

Man, how I used to obsess

Had to murder you a couple a’ times in my head

Now I’m proud to say

I couldn’t care less

You do you

Live your life spineless

 

Still, if I had a gun..

Then one shot in your heartless chest

One shot in your weak knees

One shot to your brain you always think knows best

Then one shot to my own damn head

So this bloody mind that you still occupy from time to time

(just said I couldn’t care less)

Could be laid to rest

 

You ain’t worth it tho’

Nah, you ain’t worth it!

And now I finally know

 

 

 

 

Ps: I don’t own a gun 😅

In 2014 I lost my mind for the first time. The scenarios that played out in my head were terrifying. For a long time I thought they were real memories I had suppressed, and I was desperate to get the full story, to get the truth. Every time I went into madness after that, I thought I’d at least get that, but it never happened. Eventually I had to- for the sake of my own mental health- just let it go and label it all as «sick thoughts». There’s a room in my head I’ve locked the door to, and I never want to enter it again.

 

Anyway, I deleted the majority of content on this blog a while ago, and I thought this song was lost forever. But I discovered that I had posted it on my instagram, and after some thought I decided to post it here again. I no longer believe every word of it, but it helped me move on. I was either way a child that carried a lot of weight, and it did break me at times. It still does. But I made it this far. This is for everyone that carries a damaged child inside of them. May we all heal ❤️

 

 

 

 

Cry, little angel..

Don’t be ashamed of your tears

Or sucking your thumb

to comfort you or cope with your fears

✨

It’s alright little angel

You can’t see me but I’m right beside you

I travelled through time

And in time I’ll save you

✨

See kiddo, you’re a stranger in a scary world

And you don’t know it but you’re a brave little girl

I can’t tell why they hurt you

To the point where they almost murder you

I can only suffer with you

Oh, I suffer with you

✨

I travelled in time

to witness what they put you through.. So you can forget for a while

Don’t you worry, angel

You can’t see me

but I’m here for you

I travelled back in time and in time I’ll guide you.. Wherever you want to go

✨

I’ll shelter your ears for the lies they tell you. Whisper from the back of your mind when they ring true.

Listen; I will never let myself betray you.. Even in times when it seems like I do.

✨

When I’m ready we will unite and become one. And then.. Then I’m coming home. I’ll keep you safe inside me and when we die we die together

✨

For I am… You

And you are who I’ll be

The reason I’ll always keep the child in me

✨

Sleep little angel

I’ve waited in time

to set you free

✨

Little child soldier

For you the war is finally over

I’ve waited in time so you can live within me

Oh brave child soldier

For you the war is finally over

Thank you for your bravery
Now sleep safe and sound inside of me

 

 

Another day, down the drain

I lost motivation, I lost my determination

Told myself this day would be different, that’s what I say about every day of the week but

Every day just ends up the same

 

1 bitter pill to swallow

I need something that matters, but

My life, it feels so shallow

 

34 years, spent running into walls

My phone right now, 34 missed calls

I can’t answer and say what’s up, ‘Cuz shit is always going down

And I know that if I clue you in, you’d only frown

And tell me «bitch you can swim, how come all you ever do is drown»

 

2 bitter pills to swallow

I got so many people to look up to but

I just can’t seem to follow

 

I don’t know, anymore

I can’t get my ass out of the door

And my confidence drops to the floor

I can’t find anything or anyone that makes me feel alive

This pool of misery in front of me- and I just nosedive

 

3 bitter pills to swallow

I should live while I can, ‘cuz

No one is promised tomorrow

 

(I just can’t change)

 

 

 

Okay så planen om å skrive mer kryptisk gikk til helvete, får prøve igjen i morgen… 

 

 

 

Alle sa du va dårlig nytt

Alle du brukte, alle du har snytt

Og ennå overså eg alle røde flagg og

alle lampene så blinka så høylytt

Men eg måtte faktisk innse kem du e te slutt

 

Det finnes ingen sjanser igjen å gje
Klare ikkje lika deg lenger
Får det bare ikkje te

 

For deg, så e du det evige offer

Det e alltid alle andre så tar feil

Du nekte å innse

at skutå du seile på skjær har sjørøverseil

Det du vil ha, det tar du bare

Drite i gjeldå så har blitt massiv så fjell

Det e alltid någen nye å låna av, ligavel

 

Nekte å ver blind for at du utnytte andre sin snillhet

Nå e alt eg vil ha fra deg stillhet

 

Hold kjeft, ikkje forsvar

Ikkje hold fast, eg har gitt slipp

Skjønne nå at å gje den første sjansen

Va ein stor, jævla glipp

Du va alltid sånn her, det e denne drittsekken

Du av egen, fri vilje har blitt

Ah, skutå di har sjørøverseil

Men denne siste kapringen din

Dette blir din siste feil

 

Nå e det slutt på misforstått snillhet

Skjønne nå at dette ikkje endre ein dritt

Den drittsekken du e nå, har du av egen, fri vilje blitt

Og eg kan faktisk ta tebage

Det så eg har gitt

Og hjertet mitt så du synes e så kaldt

har aldri vært ditt

 

Du komme alltid te å utnytta andre sin snillhet

Kan ikkje endra deg der

Kan bare sei at eg ikkje vil ta i deg mer

Nå e alt eg vil ha fra deg stillhet

 

Ah, skutå di mann, den har sjørøverseil

Men denne siste kapringen din- du dro det for langt denne gang

Dette blir din siste feil

 

 

I just have to end each day on a creative note..

 

 

 

I’m sorry that I had to say the final words

Sorry for the silence

If I break it now, you’d only feel like I’m toying with you and play with your feelings

I could be someone for you, I guess

But I couldn’t find any real meaning

 

What we say, what we feel, what we do

I need to build something from scratch

But I can’t build anything with you

 

You probably hate me now, I get it

Back and forth, second chances then I regret it

It’s better for us now, this line that divide us

I am holding this line, for the sake of you

If I cross it again, you’d say I throw you under the bus

We said what we said, we feel what we feel

There’s really nothing more to discuss

 

What we say, what we feel, what we do

I can only work on myself

I can change, I can’t change you

 

I do feel bad, I do at times feel alone

But I came from a broken home

There was pleasure here, at times

But there never was any signs of a future

And we both have wounds

that the other can not suture

 

What we say, what we feel, what we do

I can only say how I feel and act upon it

But I just can’t feel that deep for you

 

 

It’s almost midnight, and you’re not around

I’m lying here, wondering what it feels like to drown

(I can’t breathe)

Nevermind, tho’

There’s enough women in this town

 

What we say, what we feel, what we do

All those lies we tell ourselves to get through

My lie, was that I needed you

(God, why does it feel like I need you)

 

Blocked your number, said it’s over

Everyone told me I did the right thing

Now I’m clutching the bedcover

And of course the damn phone doesn’t ring

 

What we say, what we feel, what we do

All the lies that we tell to get through

I got what I wanted, I’m sleeping alone

And right now, some chick is probably fucking you

 

I don’t know, how to trust my own decisions

I should be asleep, not fill my mind with these visions

At the end of the day, we were two wrongs that couldn’t make one right

But it’s at the end of the day now

And I have this urge to just call off our fight

Fuck and shit, I’m not gonna sleep tonight

 

What we say, what we feel, what we do

All these lies, just to get us through

Guess I lied to myself when I said

that I’m better off without you

 

 

 

Demon that I called angel

Just because you didn’t murder me

But you did not protect or save me either

You tied me up and left me with the devil

And now all I can think is..

Your wicked ways are on a whole other level

Still, I wonder where you’ve been

And why you can’t fill me in

So many questions, unanswered

Now my patience is wearing thin

 

And you had my heart racing

It wasn’t love, it was fear

Hell is all too real to me now

You know, you took me there

You always take me there..

 

Your choice to show your face again

broke my mind more than madness could

I don’t know why you had to resurface

Why you couldn’t leave me alone when you should

I seem to make you nervous now

Maybe you understand I might forget, but I do not always forgive

I, too can be dangerous

By now I reckon you know

Unlike you

I’m not afraid to put it on show

 

I lured myself into this illusion of lust

But when I analyze now I see clearly

And every illusion, every fantasy

Crumbles into dust

 

I wrote you a letter

I may never mail

Place the blame that belongs around your weak neck

Not to break or even shake you

The way you sometimes do

I see now

I’m built so much stronger than you

I can carry so much of the weight you can’t put up with

I can deal with so much more pain than you can stand

And in the end, I get it now

That between you and me

I am so much more of a man

And I could never sacrifice

someone else, the way you can

 

I never loved you

Never needed you, I’m better off alone

You burned all evidence, you burned every map

and still I found the way back home

I can bleed out every feeling for you, flush it down the drain

I forgot all about you one time, I can do it again

 

Demon that I once called angel

Just because you did not murder me

and yeah, you should fear me now

I am, and I was

So much stronger than you’ll ever be

 

I can take charge, and discharge the lust

I can wipe the tears from my eyes and see clearly now

Every illusion, every fantasy

Hell, even the memory of your face

I can let it all crumble into dust

 

 

 

Måtte bare trøkke ut en siste kreativ shit for dagen..

 

The great thing about being scared of anything and everything-

Is all the opportunities it creates for one to be brave.

 

So this battle was lost

I had to resign, it came at too high of a cost

There’s some cases in life you just can’t push through

It’s so hard for me, all these things that seems so easy to do

It gets such a Mission Impossible

When the doubt and the fear always gets the best of you

 

Okay, this one got me knocked out

Spent some time lost in self-doubt

But now it’s time to brush off the dirt and shout

Back on the horse again, dumb rider

 

I’m so grateful for each chance I get

and each time it doesn’t work out

it hits like a bullet in my self-respect

There’s nothing I want more

than to kick in all these locked doors

But it’s so hard, when you got zero self esteem

These simple, small things- they’re not as simple and small as they seem

 

Ok, so this round I couldn’t get through

But now I gotta sign up for the next, if I could just figure out what I actually can do

I know it seems so easy for you..

You don’t get why I go down like this, and why I’m now all broken and blue

And you probably look at me and really doubt now

That’s why I gotta get up and shout now

Back on the horse, dumb rider!

 

 

Fine hesten til Sneskavla 4H i Båtsfjord ❤️ Takk for lånet for sånn.. 6 år siden 😅

Had to do an english version too 😅

 

Stripes and strippers

High school dropouts and quitters

We didn’t make it far in life

But I can’t say that I’m bitter

At least we’re still alive

 

We don’t fit into a mould

Some say my heart must be cold

Since I don’t get married, just fuck for sport

That life that everyone wants, it’s honestly my last resort

Push out a kid, live under the whip

Flaunt it all on social media- ego trip

Nah, I’d rather go back on that stage and strip

 

Stripes and strippers

Ain’t gold, all that glitters

We are high school dropouts and quitters

We didn’t make it far in life

But I can’t say that I’m bitter

At least we’re still alive

 

Got no plans, no big ambitions

Fuck bucket lists and wish lists

It’s enough, just not wanting to slit my wrists

There’s times when it’s hard just to exist

And death can at times be very hard to resist

So with that in mind

I’ll just say I’m doing fine

 

Stripes and strippers

Something’s up with my neurotransmitters

And sure ain’t gold, all that glitters

We are high school dropouts and quitters

We didn’t make it far in life

But I can’t say that I’m bitter

At least we’re still alive

Yeah, at least we’re still alive

And there’s moments when it all-

all the pain, all the setbacks, all ‘em knockouts

There’s moments where it was all worth the while