Whoaa, today I’ve been inside an actual gym for the first time in.. 4 years, minimum! If there is a place that has made me feel both uncomfortable and anxious, the gym was definitely it.. But today it went okay, and that made me realise that I have really made huge fucking progress and that makes me so happy 😁 ‘Cuz man, I’ve felt so stuck for years and all my efforts just felt like banging my head into this great unbreakable wall.. But finally, the cracks are beginning to show, and I won’t stop now- if it takes the rest of my life, that wall is going down.
Today’s outfit.. Full on grandma-style, or so I’ve been told 😅
Teardrop-necklace from Swarowski, found it used on Ebay for like 10 $ years ago.
Felt like going full on dragqueen on my face.. And did fake freckles, because I’m craving spriiiing and sun.. 😎
Now I’m hanging with my boys, and my oldest nephew asked me «Suja, did you paint your eyes blue?» and I said ‘yep’ and he goes «Goofy Suja!» 😂 I get that a lot from him 🤡 Makes my smile go round every time 😁
Not gonna lie, I’ve been in the same sweats for days. Today however, I woke up and remembered I have new earrings, and that sorta made me feel like.. Well, not dressing up but at least not repeat the outfit that has almost become my second skin by now 😅
This t-shirt was purchased during my last manic episode, for some reason I got a hang-up on Disney and I think I had this idea that «I’m friggin’ real life Tinkerbell!». You know, never really growing up, I’ve gotten that thrown in my face a couple of times.. 🙄 Like there is just one correct way to be an adult.. Whatever ✋ People can look and judge from the outside all they want if that gives them pleasure, I know the shit I’ve had to deal with from a very young age, I know the storms I’ve weathered and the battles I’ve fought, in the end that is all that matters. And honestly, if you had a bumpy childhood like me, and had to deal with issues that you might not should’ve: There’s NOTHING wrong with taking the time to «grow up». Taking the time to heal your childhood wounds, taking the time to enjoy not having a massive responsibility, taking the time to figure out who you are and who you want to become and who you certainly do NOT want to be. Fuck what other people have to say about your life, the only one who actually lives it is you.
Beanie & jacket H&M, bag is Alexander Wang, shoes by Koi footwear. Jeans are inherited from my fellow shopaholic aunt 😊❤️
It strikes me now that I’m not that good with color coordinating 😅 I never really put that much thought into the outfit as a whole, I just pick the pieces that I feel like wearing that day and that is the main factor, and then it doesn’t really matter to me how it turns out. Maybe I should start putting a little more brain into it, it’s really cool when people does 😁
And my new bling.. They are SO pretty in real life.
NOT new bling, but still pretty. I found this starburst-ring at Gina Tricot, it’s close to 20 years ago no lie.. Who said cheap stuff can’t endure the test of time? Sure can!
I don’t really have any plans for the rest of the day, should go for a walk but weather is shit.. I can handle the cold, I can handle the rain, but I’m not a fan of both at once.. Can we just transit into spring already..?
Finishing off with this quote I found on Pinterest:
Ok so my little project of ‘No spend february’ has officially gone to hell.. But hear me out (who am I kidding, I feel the need to justify myself to myself here 😅) things have been really difficult when it comes to my work situation. I have made it difficult, because at some point I just started doubting and criticizing myself, and that had my anxiety going through the roof.. To be honest, it got so bad that for a while I wasn’t really sure if I could keep going. But quitting like this, when I’m really shit-scared and it is soo tempting to go back to the safe comfort zone of doing absolutely nothing- Hell no!
I used to do horse-back riding when I was a kid, and there is this saying that «If you fall off the horse, you get back up». I’ve been thinking a lot about this saying lately, I do NOT want to give up this job for the sole reason that it scares me. GET BACK UP! I’m proud of myself for doing this. Severe anxiety is no joke, but it’s stolen enough from me as it is, I don’t want to make any more sacrifices to this weak little devil in my mind.
I decided to stop by H&M to get those damn blingy earrings I’ve been talking about as a reward. I can’t and won’t reward myself for every little thing that I do, but this was kinda a make or break moment for me..
And of course this happened..
I’ve wanted a shock pink pair of pants for years, and I finally found them, 199 NOK. I don’t fit a lot of my pants anymore because of weightloss (still got hips and thighs like a hippo, but my ass is gone 🙄) so I can justify this buy.. I gotta hem them, obviously. But honestly, I’m happy to have another sewing-project, because it is fun.
I’ve wanted these earrings for months, they are SO pretty with the dangling ‘tear drops’.
I couldn’t resist these.. It doesn’t show that well, but they are snakes coiled around the pearls. I love jewellery that is inspired by nature and the animal-kingdom as you may know by now. And I just gotta give props to H&M’s creative team, because they really do make a lot of cool, unique stuff to a very affordable price. Both earrings were 99 NOK.
Everytime I do something like this (buy more than I planned) I always think to myself «Well, it could’ve been drugs..» I am well-connected on the dark side, let’s just put it like that.
I should be making dinner now, and my Casa is not on fleek, but honestly like the old lady I am.. I gotta take a nap 😅 Just a liiiiittle one, and then I’m gonna make a healthy dinner, shine my home, and do a little work-out, and then I’ll call myself Superwoman of the day 😁
Hope you had a great start of the week, and may the rest of it be great 🌹
I can’t be the only one that is starting to crave spring and summer..? I miss the sun, I miss swimming in the ocean, I miss walking around in sandals and shorts, instead of huge winter coats and boots..
I’ve been looking online for pieces that can add to my summer wardrobe. Believe it or not, my wardrobe is lacking in that department, probably because I always had a difficult relationship with my own body, and I always preferred to cover up rather than showing skin. But I have worked hard on myself, and for the first time ever I’m kinda looking forward to dressing for the warmer seasons.. At least I’m not dreading it 😅 Just hope that mindset will stick with me in the months to come!
H&M has some really interesting pieces for spring/summer, at least to my aestethic! Here are my favs (all images belong to H&M, and all items can be found on their site, though some has sold out already):
How cool is this shirt-dress? I love everything that can be tied at the waist! I think I’d go for the white version, but really love the plaid one too!
Ripped high-waisted denim shorts.. Also, what I’d give to have this model’s legs 😅
Cut-out blazer dress, what a cool concept 🥰 Blazers are IN, why not combine it in a dress..
Ah, this yellow chiffon cut-out dress is a summer-dream, no..? I just don’t know if I have the balls (boobs 😂) to rock this, it’s backless so no bra… It also comes in blue.
Set with shorts & bralette, I have a lot of transparent white dresses that are perfect for summer, but I never know what to put under.. This set would solve that problem.
2 pack of super-cute crop tops
Sandals in genuine leather, so cool with the square toe and ‘braided’ deets.
A red dress, because red + tan skin= gorgeous
I’ve not jumped on the ripped jeans bandwagon until now, but these did it for me with the wide legs and the high waist.
I love a ribbed knit! This is preppy/sexy with the collar, long sleeves and bare midriff..
This bikini-top that you probably need really nice boobs to wear (and I don’t have that 😅) but it’s really cool.
That’s my summer wish-list from H&M 😁 Maybe a bit premature, but ey- time flies!
I’ve had these moments the last days where I’ve just felt.. Gratitude, I guess. I’m grateful that this is my life right now, that for the past six months there’s been steady progression, I’m grateful that I made it through Christmas without having a manic episode, I’m so fucking grateful for the freedom I have right now, that it’s something I’ve fought so hard for for so many years.. I’m grateful for all the difficult times, because they have truly made me appreciate a lot of things I’d probably take for granted if I didn’t know better.
I’m also grateful for not feeling that massive fear of becoming sick again (and this is not me saying that I want it to happen), I know that when mania strikes again- and eventually it will, I have to be prepared for that- I will handle it. It will be hard probably, but I no longer think that it will break me, I have faced it so many times now and I know that if I hit rock bottom I will eventually claw my way up again.
Speaking of freedom, I’ve been swimming two days in a row now. I’m not gonna start again with what a big step this is for me and the complicated relationship I’ve had with my body, because I’ve adressed that a lot in previous posts.. 😅 But it’s another thing that makes me feel really grateful!
Not an interesting (is it ever with this basic bitch 🙄) outfit today, just sweats. But a good classic coat and quality shoes, and a fancy hat kinda helps..?
I have this script in my head, and I kinda want to share the plot here because I think it’s pretty funny (and prob offensive as fuck if you’re religious so stop reading NOW in that case ‘Cuz you will NOT like this..) It’s obviously just a rough draft, but.. If I ever somehow stumble upon a pot of gold I will make this a movie for sure 😁
I kept seeing «movies» or just film-like scenes in my head when I was really psychotic, and I always thought some of them could be really interesting ideas for a full film/book/whatever.
One of them was this angel falls for devil-thing, like this really erotic and really forbidden fantasy thing.. So now I have kinda finished it as an entire story with a beginning and an end. Here’s the plot, in short: So god really does exist in this story, but he is anything but good. He has a team of plastic surgeons and picks his angels based on who will become the most beautiful after his team of surgeons have altered them to fit his impossible standard of «perfection». The angels are supposed to be «good» as in submissive and they exist only to pleasure this wicked god-figure. Most of the angels are fine with that, because they fall in love with their own reflection when they see that they are now physically «perfect» and they are filled with plastic here and there. They all pretty much accept that their only mission in life is to be admired for their looks and used for sex. They are willing to be objectified and exist only to please the male gaze, because this makes them feel powerful- and they ignore the fact that they are being used, and because they are in love with what they see in the mirror they become more and more devoid of anything that recembles a personality, and there is no urge to find a deeper meaning with life other than simply reaching what a man has decided to be the epitome of physical perfection. (Yeah, what’s happening right now with plastic surgery becoming more and more the norm in society, and more and more women strive to alter everything about their appearance being «perfect» is freaking me the hell out)
BUT then comes this new candidate, and she is immediatly told that she will undergo a complete «makeover» because as she is she is not anywhere near the «ideal», acne, small saggy boobs, not a big enough ass etc etc.. But she refuses to do this, and does pretty much everything in her power to resist and rebel against anything her «god» tells her to. She causes havoc any chance she gets, and eventually ‘god’ has no choice but to give up, because she is impossible to brainwash into being one of his ‘perfect props’, and he decides to send her to.. Hell, of course.
She meets the devil, she falls for him because initially they seem to share the same qualities: Individualism, same morals, the desire to oppress against a regime that is utterly corrupt.. (insert a lot of reeeeally hot sex-scenes here) and tries to convince him to go to war against ‘god’ and his plastic angel army but he fails her several times, and eventually she realises that even though there is so much chemistry and they have amazing sex, in the end he is not as brave as her and he is not willing to fight and bleed for change to the degree she is (yup, been there).. So she abandons him and venture on by her self, and she discovers that the dragons she has read about in the forbidden books really do exist but has been banned to the shadow world by ‘god’, and the devil has allowed this to happen, even though he is originally selected by nature herself as their protector.
She finds the dragons, talks them into fighting for freedom, and they become allies in the war of the universe, overthrowing both heaven and hell.
In the end, she decides to live with them, she realises that they are more similat to her than any other living thing- they are wild, they have courage, they are ment for freedom, and they are brave and loyal. She finds ultimate freedom, she remains independent, and she lives like a savage happily ever after.
Ok, so that was not really short 😂 But now it’s out of my head and down on virtual paper.. Oh, and I had to draw my angel who doesn’t want to be an angel but a dragon 🐉
I was going to draw a closeup of her face, and then one full figure of her outfit (because of course she’ll have a bad ass wardrobe) but I have to do boring adult things now and stop playing around (that’s what being creative in any way is to me- to PLAY and that’s why I love it) so if I get around to it I’ll do an update on this post. Aaand before I wrap this post up, I just have to add that the soundtrack would be heavily filled with tracks from Within Temptation’s album Resist (can’t believe no one has done that yet, because we are talking EPIC songs here..) Just listen to this
Ok, now I’m gonna go back to being a really boring adult and adulting 😅
Talking about the weather is probably the least interesting thing I know, but just gotta say it: I am so over the cold wind combined with rain my region has been having for what feels like an eternity now.. I need to see the sun soon! I’m forever a northern girl at heart, and winter is usually my vibe, but.. I am officially ready for spring. Winter in the south west coast of Norway isn’t really winter anyway, more like a cold, wet version of hell.. Well, it feels like that right now anyway 😅 Enough complaining. Nothing to do about it anyway (except booking a ticket to somewhere warm & sunny, which I’m seriously considering..)
I’m still trying to get through february without buying anything, BUT I went through my closet and sorted out everything that needed some kind of repair. I’ve been dreading and procrastinated starting on this project because I am not skilled or experienced in the art of sewing! BUT to my huge surprise it was really friggin’ fun! Who knew!! I sewed on buttons, stitched holes and tears, and hemmed a couple of pants. So now I have a bag full of «new» old clothes! And I want to do more needle work, ‘cuz it’s the most satisfying activity I’ve done in a while!
I’ve really been struggling with my confidence lately (who am I kidding, I’m pretty much always battling that issue 🙄) so it was really great to feel like I actually mastered something I did not expect to, and that it also gave me a real sense of joy. I guess the lesson here is try new things, you asshole, ‘‘Cuz you won’t discover what you like until you actually TRY it!
Ok so that is on the to-do list going forward. Keep an open mind and just dive into the new and unknown. Especially those things where my first thought is «I’ll never be able to do that». I might just prove myself wrong! And to do that, might just be one of the best feelings in the world.
I was afraid that with the re-occuring suicidal thoughts I’ve experienced, this was the beginning of another severe period of depression. But I am grateful (and quite proud!) to say that I’ve managed to do some conscious choices and worked real hard on my mindset, and I didn’t fall all the way down to the basement and beyond- I’ve made some really good days for myself and I feel good 😊
Today’s basic bitch (I have come to terms with the fact that I am definitely one when it comes to style 😅) outfit:
And if I add anything else to my closet in 2022 it is DEFINITELY something with bold colors ‘Cuz there is enough neutrals for sure!
Cardigan is from H&M, found on sale at 100 NOK. T-shirt is by Lindex some years ago.
Bag is Alexander Wang, coat is also H&M, from their january sale 3 years ago. I knew that if I went for white, I would stain it- and of course, I did 😅 Haven’t bothered to try and remove it yet, doesn’t show when I close it anyway. Other than that I’m really happy with this color, I prefer anything but black for winter clothes- it’s enough dark surrounding us as it is this time of the year!
Jewellery game of the day: Snake ring from H&M, vintage watch that doubles as a bracelet from Halston, and a real bullet-necklace I found on Ebay years ago. I’m NOT pro-guns, actually hate the concept of being able to take someone elses life just by a little pull of a finger- BUT I have been ready to die at several points of my life and there might come a time again when I decide enough is enough. I don’t want to grow old no matter what, and if my health should decline to a point where all I do is suffer, then I might want to just end it. Death will come to all who lives, and sometimes it can be a mercy. This pendant remains me of that: I am free to live, but I am also free to die.. It helps me in times when life gets rough and I hurt so much it’s almost unbearable- I choose to endure it.
Finally learned how to do a more subtle makeup, it was always either full dragshow or nothing for me, but now I’m able to do just a few touches and then I leave the brushes alone 😅 So just some bronze & highlight, a little eyeshadow and a winged eyeliner today.
Haven’t been drawing anything for ages, but this weekend I just had to do it, my fingers were itching! My babygirl asked me to do a sketch for her studio (she’s a rapper, and a really good one!) but I never got around to it- until now. AND I want a snake-tatt on my damn face now more than ever 😂
Other than that I’ve been a human slide for my oldest nephew (REALLY wish I had pics or a video to show you that haha- we had FUN) and I’m just spending time with my closest and having quality time ❤️ Hope you’ve had a good weekend too 🌹
I found this vintage Dior cardigan on Ebay over 10 years ago, got it for about 300 NOK- SCORE! However wearing it does feel like false advertising- I mean I couldn’t buy anything brand new from Dior 😅
Besides that, I get ‘U.S soldier in desert-uniform’ from the rest of this outfit, it’s the combat boots and the cargo pants probably.
Currently my fav accessories (have to Google that word every damn time hah) are these cheap earrings from H&M, they were 50 NOK on sale! My skin is NOT my fav accessory, at this point in life I have pretty much given up on clear skin and I’m sure I’ll break out even when I’m 80 🙄
I can’t get out of this mental dump I’m in, and I feel a little lost. How do I find back to gratitude and motivation and a little bit of guts? My thoughts are so draining, and it sucks all energy from me. The quick fix is to just go to bed and sleep away my problems- but they are still there when I wake up.
I wish I had a clearer perspective of what I want, what I need.. That there was something concrete I wished to achieve, that I had goals that are actually tangible. I don’t know why, but ever since I was a kid the future has appeared dimly, like a black hole. When people asked «Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years» I’d be like eeeh, I don’t see anything. I’m probably dead!». I guess the confidence-factor plays in here as well, because I’ve never believed that I could amount to much. That I was a hopeless case, to the bone. I still feel like that, but I want so bad to prove myself wrong. It’s just incredibly difficult! 😩
I’m gonna meet with a career-counselor soon, and I hope I get something out of it! I’m open for anything. If I just can believe it’s achievable..
It’s been dawning on me that I am growing older REALLY fast, and soon I’ll be an old woman 😅 The time to have fun with makeup, hair and style is now or never! Ok, I don’t really agree about that statement, because honestly it’s never too late- but who knows if I have the ladyballs at 40-50-60 to do whatever I want in regards to my looks- and heck, who even knows if I make it there!
I always knew what I liked in terms of style, but I haven’t always had the guts to just wear whatever I wanted. I think I associated dressing up as saying «Look at me», and people looking at me has always triggered massive anxiety. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. You’ve probably heard about the «spotlight effect», someone with anxiety are prone to this, thinking everyone will stare at you and judge you- it’s a really weird phenomenon when I think about it: You have the lowest self-esteem and feel worthless, at the same time your head tells you you’re so special that everyone notice you 🤷♀️ Well, I’ve finally realised most people don’t give a shit how strangers they pass on the street looks. It’s such a sense of freedom, just wearing whatever I want and feel comfortable in, and it’s such a nice feeling that I really am quite invisible, because we all walk around in out own little bubble most of the time.
I’ve also realised that my style isn’t really that out there at all- and I am actually pretty boring and basic 😂 I had to go through my closet, because I was like «Where are all the edgy pieces I thought I had??» and I came to conclusion that it’s all actually classic, safe choices.. Maybe it just felt braveover ten years ago when I was still rather young- investing in timeless classic pieces when everyone else my age was more trend-oriented 🤷♀️
Anyway, «basic bitch»-look of the day:
Feel like this t-shirt is pretty relevant right now.. (unfortunately always)
I’m obsessed with facetatts, and I wanna get one sooo bad! I want a snake more than anything, but I’m afraid that if I get it done everyone will think I’m having a manic episode and I’ll be forcibly admitted to the hospital 😅
Bag is Marc Jacobs (second-hand)
Don’t come for my hairstyle, I’m hopeless with hair and this is pretty much how advanced it’s gonna get!
A lot of bling going on today 😅 The claw ring is from Wish– I love it, makes me feel like a velociraptor 🦖 (Aware that this emoji is a T-rex 🤓) Minimalist<Maximalist.
Wish you a good day from this unflattering angle 😎
I got caught in a negative loop of destructive thoughts again, it’s been a while since I had suicidal thoughts but the last days they’ve re-occurred. I have been very toxic towards myself, trashtalking myself to the point where it does not seem to be a point anymore. Argh, why do I have to go there, I want to be positive, I want to love life- but it doesn’t come easily for me. It’s so easy to go back to well-known patterns of selfdestructive behaviour, but honestly: No one can break me like I can. I am so sick of being my own worst enemy and standing in my own way of happiness.
But I talked to a really wise woman (❤️), and she made a very valid point: «You’ve been doing this for what, almost all your life- you can’t expect to change it in just a few weeks». It will require a lot of work, I have to stop in my destructive tracks and tell myself that here I go again, knowing SO well this is not doing me any good. How can I shift this and talk to myself with compassion and understanding instead, and what can I do for myself that will make me feel better? A list of things that can do the trick:
– Send a message to someone and ask how they are doing
– Write down or say outloud what I’m grateful for.
– Music, always 🥰
– Be creative
– Give someone else heartfelt compliments (and do the same to myself!)
– Take care of my surroundings, keep my home clean and tidy- because I deserve it.
– Dress up and do my makeup for the fun of it.
I did the last one today, and initially I did not feel like it at all (because I’ve told myself I’m useless and ugly and a failure, and there is no point in anything) BUT it really does something to me to actually put in an effort, and I found the motivation to go out and have coffee with friends. It also helped to open up about how I’m feeling, you don’t get advice if people don’t know you’re struggling ❤️
Pearl necklace is vintage, belt is also vintage/ inherited from a relative. Velvet sweater I found at H&M years ago.
Had to take pictures in front of the window to really show what a vibrant shade of blue it is, the velvet fabric really adds to this.
Love this coat maybe a little too much 😅 All my male friends hate it, but that just makes me dig it more. It’s so warm and cozy!
Bag is Versace, found it secondhand! It’s really unique, and the leather is SO soft.
I have a collection of these animal rings from China, didn’t even pay a full dollar for each of them, but the quality and craftmanship is SO good! I’ve had them for well over 10 years, and they are still in pristine condition.
I have to be really strict with myself going forward. Strict, but also friendly. Why should we accept talking to ourselves in a way we would never have the audacity to say to someone else? I’ve always been everyone else’s cheerleader and biggest hype queen- It’s about time I give myself the same support.
Also I think I’ll post the «aggressive» lyrics I talked about in a previous post- simply because I want to move on from it. I give myself the right to feel hurt and angry about something I’d never expect from someone that used to be really close to me- It was such a shit way to tell me the friendship is over, that I don’t matter anymore (and I suspect I never did). If I put it here it is a way for me to say it outloud, and I think I need to. But when it’s done, I am done. Moving on!
