I can’t be the only one that is starting to crave spring and summer..? I miss the sun, I miss swimming in the ocean, I miss walking around in sandals and shorts, instead of huge winter coats and boots..

I’ve been looking online for pieces that can add to my summer wardrobe. Believe it or not, my wardrobe is lacking in that department, probably because I always had a difficult relationship with my own body, and I always preferred to cover up rather than showing skin. But I have worked hard on myself, and for the first time ever I’m kinda looking forward to dressing for the warmer seasons.. At least I’m not dreading it 😅 Just hope that mindset will stick with me in the months to come!

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Vårens fineste jakker

H&M has some really interesting pieces for spring/summer, at least to my aestethic! Here are my favs (all images belong to H&M, and all items can be found on their site, though some has sold out already):

How cool is this shirt-dress? I love everything that can be tied at the waist! I think I’d go for the white version, but really love the plaid one too!

Ripped high-waisted denim shorts.. Also, what I’d give to have this model’s legs 😅

Cut-out blazer dress, what a cool concept 🥰 Blazers are IN, why not combine it in a dress..

Ah, this yellow chiffon cut-out dress is a summer-dream, no..? I just don’t know if I have the balls (boobs 😂) to rock this, it’s backless so no bra… It also comes in blue.

Set with shorts & bralette, I have a lot of transparent white dresses that are perfect for summer, but I never know what to put under.. This set would solve that problem.

2 pack of super-cute crop tops

Sandals in genuine leather, so cool with the square toe and ‘braided’ deets.

A red dress, because red + tan skin= gorgeous

I’ve not jumped on the ripped jeans bandwagon until now, but these did it for me with the wide legs and the high waist.

I love a ribbed knit! This is preppy/sexy with the collar, long sleeves and bare midriff..

This bikini-top that you probably need really nice boobs to wear (and I don’t have that 😅) but it’s really cool.

That’s my summer wish-list from H&M 😁 Maybe a bit premature, but ey- time flies!

I’ve had these moments the last days where I’ve just felt.. Gratitude, I guess. I’m grateful that this is my life right now, that for the past six months there’s been steady progression, I’m grateful that I made it through Christmas without having a manic episode, I’m so fucking grateful for the freedom I have right now, that it’s something I’ve fought so hard for for so many years.. I’m grateful for all the difficult times, because they have truly made me appreciate a lot of things I’d probably take for granted if I didn’t know better.

I’m also grateful for not feeling that massive fear of becoming sick again (and this is not me saying that I want it to happen), I know that when mania strikes again- and eventually it will, I have to be prepared for that- I will handle it. It will be hard probably, but I no longer think that it will break me, I have faced it so many times now and I know that if I hit rock bottom I will eventually claw my way up again.

Annonsørinnhold

De beste kuppene innen sport og friluft

Speaking of freedom, I’ve been swimming two days in a row now. I’m not gonna start again with what a big step this is for me and the complicated relationship I’ve had with my body, because I’ve adressed that a lot in previous posts.. 😅 But it’s another thing that makes me feel really grateful!

Not an interesting (is it ever with this basic bitch 🙄) outfit today, just sweats. But a good classic coat and quality shoes, and a fancy hat kinda helps..?

I have this script in my head, and I kinda want to share the plot here because I think it’s pretty funny (and prob offensive as fuck if you’re religious so stop reading NOW in that case ‘Cuz you will NOT like this..) It’s obviously just a rough draft, but.. If I ever somehow stumble upon a pot of gold I will make this a movie for sure 😁

I kept seeing «movies» or just film-like scenes in my head when I was really psychotic, and I always thought some of them could be really interesting ideas for a full film/book/whatever.

One of them was this angel falls for devil-thing, like this really erotic and really forbidden  fantasy thing.. So now I have kinda finished it as an entire story with a beginning and an end. Here’s the plot, in short: So god really does exist in this story, but he is anything but good. He has a team of plastic surgeons and picks his angels based on who will become the most beautiful after his team of surgeons have altered them to fit his impossible standard of «perfection». The angels are supposed to be «good» as in submissive and they exist only to pleasure this wicked god-figure. Most of the angels are fine with that, because they fall in love with their own reflection when they see that they are now physically «perfect» and they are filled with plastic here and there. They all pretty much accept that their only mission in life is to be admired for their looks and used for sex. They are willing to be objectified and exist only to please the male gaze, because this makes them feel powerful- and they ignore the fact that they are being used, and because they are in love with what they see in the mirror they become more and more devoid of anything that recembles a personality, and there is no urge to find a deeper meaning with life other than simply reaching what a man has decided to be the epitome of physical perfection. (Yeah, what’s happening right now with plastic surgery becoming more and more the norm in society, and more and more women strive to alter everything about their appearance being «perfect» is freaking me the hell out)

BUT then comes this new candidate, and she is immediatly told that she will undergo a complete «makeover» because as she is she is not anywhere near the «ideal», acne, small saggy boobs, not a big enough ass etc etc.. But she refuses to do this, and does pretty much everything in her power to resist and rebel against anything her «god» tells her to. She causes havoc any chance she gets, and eventually ‘god’ has no choice but to give up, because she is impossible to brainwash into being one of his ‘perfect props’, and he decides to send her to.. Hell, of course.

She meets the devil, she falls for him because initially they seem to share the same qualities: Individualism, same morals, the desire to oppress against a regime that is utterly corrupt.. (insert a lot of reeeeally hot sex-scenes here) and tries to convince him to go to war against ‘god’ and his plastic angel army but he fails her several times, and eventually she realises that even though there is so much chemistry and they have amazing sex, in the end he is not as brave as her and he is not willing to fight and bleed for change to the degree she is (yup, been there).. So she abandons him and venture on by her self, and she discovers that the dragons she has read about in the forbidden books really do exist but has been banned to the shadow world by ‘god’, and the devil has allowed this to happen, even though he is originally selected by nature herself as their protector.

She finds the dragons, talks them into fighting for freedom, and they become allies in the war of the universe, overthrowing both heaven and hell.

In the end, she decides to live with them, she realises that they are more similat to her than any other living thing- they are wild, they have courage, they are ment for freedom, and they are brave and loyal. She finds ultimate freedom, she remains independent, and she lives like a savage happily ever after.

Ok, so that was not really short 😂 But now it’s out of my head and down on virtual paper.. Oh, and I had to draw my angel who doesn’t want to be an angel but a dragon 🐉

I was going to draw a closeup of her face, and then one full figure of her outfit (because of course she’ll have a bad ass wardrobe) but I have to do boring adult things now and stop playing around (that’s what being creative in any way is to me- to PLAY and that’s why I love it) so if I get around to it I’ll do an update on this post. Aaand before I wrap this post up, I just have to add that the soundtrack would be heavily filled with tracks from Within Temptation’s album Resist (can’t believe no one has done that yet, because we are talking EPIC songs here..) Just listen to this

Ok, now I’m gonna go back to being a really boring adult and adulting 😅

Talking about the weather is probably the least interesting thing I know, but just gotta say it: I am so over the cold wind combined with rain my region has been having for what feels like an eternity now.. I need to see the sun soon! I’m forever a northern girl at heart, and winter is usually my vibe, but.. I am officially ready for spring. Winter in the south west coast of Norway isn’t really winter anyway, more like a cold, wet version of hell.. Well, it feels like that right now anyway 😅 Enough complaining. Nothing to do about it anyway (except booking a ticket to somewhere warm & sunny, which I’m seriously considering..)

Today’s outfit, sequins & pearls:

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De beste kuppene innen sport og friluft

I’m still trying to get through february without buying anything, BUT I went through my closet and sorted out everything that needed some kind of repair. I’ve been dreading and procrastinated starting on this project because I am not skilled or experienced in the art of sewing! BUT to my huge surprise it was really friggin’ fun! Who knew!! I sewed on buttons, stitched holes and tears, and hemmed a couple of pants. So now I have a bag full of «new» old clothes! And I want to do more needle work, ‘cuz it’s the most satisfying activity I’ve done in a while!

I’ve really been struggling with my confidence lately (who am I kidding, I’m pretty much always battling that issue 🙄) so it was really great to feel like I actually mastered something I did not expect to, and that it also gave me a real sense of joy. I guess the lesson here is try new things, you asshole, ‘‘Cuz you won’t discover what you like until you actually TRY it!

Ok so that is on the to-do list going forward. Keep an open mind and just dive into the new and unknown. Especially those things where my first thought is «I’ll never be able to do that». I might just prove myself wrong! And to do that, might just be one of the best feelings in the world.

I was afraid that with the re-occuring suicidal thoughts I’ve experienced, this was the beginning of another severe period of depression. But I am grateful (and quite proud!) to say that I’ve managed to do some conscious choices and worked real hard on my mindset, and I didn’t fall all the way down to the basement and beyond- I’ve made some really good days for myself and I feel good 😊

Today’s basic bitch (I have come to terms with the fact that I am definitely one when it comes to style 😅) outfit:

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I butikk: Vårskoene du går for

And if I add anything else to my closet in 2022 it is DEFINITELY something with bold colors ‘Cuz there is enough neutrals for sure!

Cardigan is from H&M, found on sale at 100 NOK. T-shirt is by Lindex some years ago.

Bag is Alexander Wang, coat is also H&M, from their january sale 3 years ago. I knew that if I went for white, I would stain it- and of course, I did 😅 Haven’t bothered to try and remove it yet, doesn’t show when I close it anyway. Other than that I’m really happy with this color, I prefer anything but black for winter clothes- it’s enough dark surrounding us as it is this time of the year!

Jewellery game of the day: Snake ring from H&M, vintage watch that doubles as a bracelet from Halston, and a real bullet-necklace I found on Ebay years ago. I’m NOT pro-guns, actually hate the concept of being able to take someone elses life just by a little pull of a finger- BUT I have been ready to die at several points of my life and there might come a time again when I decide enough is enough. I don’t want to grow old no matter what, and if my health should decline to a point where all I do is suffer, then I might want to just end it. Death will come to all who lives, and sometimes it can be a mercy. This pendant remains me of that: I am free to live, but I am also free to die.. It helps me in times when life gets rough and I hurt so much it’s almost unbearable- I choose to endure it.

Finally learned how to do a more subtle makeup, it was always either full dragshow or nothing for me, but now I’m able to do just a few touches and then I leave the brushes alone 😅 So just some bronze & highlight, a little eyeshadow and a winged eyeliner today.

Haven’t been drawing anything for ages, but this weekend I just had to do it, my fingers were itching! My babygirl asked me to do a sketch for her studio (she’s a rapper, and a really good one!) but I never got around to it- until now. AND I want a snake-tatt on my damn face now more than ever 😂

Other than that I’ve been a human slide for my oldest nephew (REALLY wish I had pics or a video to show you that haha- we had FUN) and I’m just spending time with my closest and having quality time ❤️ Hope you’ve had a good weekend too 🌹

It’s been dawning on me that I am growing older REALLY fast, and soon I’ll be an old woman 😅 The time to have fun with makeup, hair and style is now or never! Ok, I don’t really agree about that statement, because honestly it’s never too late- but who knows if I have the ladyballs at 40-50-60 to do whatever I want in regards to my looks- and heck, who even knows if I make it there!

I always knew what I liked in terms of style, but I haven’t always had the guts to just wear whatever I wanted. I think I associated dressing up as saying «Look at me», and people looking at me has always triggered massive anxiety. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. You’ve probably heard about the «spotlight effect», someone with anxiety are prone to this, thinking everyone will stare at you and judge you- it’s a really weird phenomenon when I think about it: You have the lowest self-esteem and feel worthless, at the same time your head tells you you’re so special that everyone notice you 🤷‍♀️ Well, I’ve finally realised most people don’t give a shit how strangers they pass on the street looks. It’s such a sense of freedom, just wearing whatever I want and feel comfortable in, and it’s such a nice feeling that I really am quite invisible, because we all walk around in out own little bubble most of the time.

I’ve also realised that my style isn’t really that out there at all- and I am actually pretty boring and basic 😂 I had to go through my closet, because I was like «Where are all the edgy pieces I thought I had??» and I came to conclusion that it’s all actually classic, safe choices.. Maybe it just felt brave over ten years ago when I was still rather young- investing in timeless classic pieces when everyone else my age was more trend-oriented 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, «basic bitch»-look of the day:

Feel like this t-shirt is pretty relevant right now.. (unfortunately always)

I’m obsessed with facetatts, and I wanna get one sooo bad! I want a snake more than anything, but I’m afraid that if I get it done everyone will think I’m having a manic episode and I’ll be forcibly admitted to the hospital 😅

Bag is Marc Jacobs (second-hand)

Don’t come for my hairstyle, I’m hopeless with hair and this is pretty much how advanced it’s gonna get!

A lot of bling going on today 😅 The claw ring is from Wish– I love it, makes me feel like a velociraptor 🦖 (Aware that this emoji is a T-rex 🤓) Minimalist<Maximalist.

Wish you a good day from this unflattering angle 😎

I got caught in a negative loop of destructive thoughts again, it’s been a while since I had suicidal thoughts but the last days they’ve re-occurred. I have been very toxic towards myself, trashtalking myself to the point where it does not seem to be a point anymore. Argh, why do I have to go there, I want to be positive, I want to love life- but it doesn’t come easily for me. It’s so easy to go back to well-known patterns of selfdestructive behaviour, but honestly: No one can break me like I can. I am so sick of being my own worst enemy and standing in my own way of happiness.

But I talked to a really wise woman (❤️), and she made a very valid point: «You’ve been doing this for what, almost all your life- you can’t expect to change it in just a few weeks». It will require a lot of work, I have to stop in my destructive tracks and tell myself that here I go again, knowing SO well this is not doing me any good. How can I shift this and talk to myself with compassion and understanding instead,  and what can I do for myself that will make me feel better? A list of things that can do the trick:

Annonsørinnhold

De beste kuppene innen sport og friluft

– Go for a walk in the daylight

– Be social, pay full attention to someone else

– Make good food

– Send a message to someone and ask how they are doing

– Write down or say outloud what I’m grateful for.

– Music, always 🥰

– Be creative

– Give someone else heartfelt compliments (and do the same to myself!)

– Take care of my surroundings, keep my  home clean and tidy- because I deserve it.

– Dress up and do my makeup for the fun of it.

I did the last one today, and initially I did not feel like it at all (because I’ve told myself I’m useless and ugly and a failure, and there is no point in anything) BUT it really does something to me to actually put in an effort, and I found the motivation to go out and have coffee with friends. It also helped to open up about how I’m feeling, you don’t get advice if people don’t know you’re struggling ❤️

Pearl necklace is vintage, belt is also vintage/ inherited from a relative. Velvet sweater I found at H&M years ago.

Had to take pictures in front of the window to really show what a vibrant shade of blue it is, the velvet fabric really adds to this.

Love this coat maybe a little too much 😅 All my male friends hate it, but that just makes me dig it more. It’s so warm and cozy!

Bag is Versace, found it secondhand! It’s really unique, and the leather is SO soft.

I have a collection of these animal rings from China, didn’t even pay a full dollar for each of them, but the quality and craftmanship is SO good! I’ve had them for well over 10 years, and they are still in pristine condition.

I have to be really strict with myself going forward. Strict, but also friendly. Why should we accept talking to ourselves in a way we would never have the audacity to say to someone else? I’ve always been everyone else’s cheerleader and biggest hype queen- It’s about time I give myself the same support.

Also I think I’ll post the «aggressive» lyrics I talked about in a previous post- simply because I want to move on from it. I give myself the right to feel hurt and angry about something I’d never expect from someone that used to be really close to me- It was such a shit way to tell me the friendship is over, that I don’t matter anymore (and I suspect I never did). If I put it here it is a way for me to say it outloud, and I think I need to. But when it’s done, I am done. Moving on!

Wish you a good evening 🌹

This weekend have been a slacker when it comes to outfits, makeup and hair- but sometimes you need that too.. I didn’t really feel like dressing up or going to parties, but in hinsight maybe I should have- ‘Cuz I’ve been in a mental dump and my thoughts have been pretty negative, and when that happens it can help to shake things up a bit, get out and meet new people, have some fun..

I was social, at least in theory- but the thing about hanging out with family is that it’s kinda accepted to be there but not really be there: Like sleeping on the couch or being glued to your phone- and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

Annonsørinnhold

De beste kuppene innen sport og friluft

Oh, but i changed two diapers tho’! I’m really afraid when it comes to handling babies (I’m clumsy and clueless, and they are so small and fragile!) but I really want to be an auntie that can help out- so I wanna learn this! I never really got the hang of it with my oldest nephew, he would say «I want Suja to change my diaper!» and a lot of times I would just feel like nah you don’t ‘Cuz auntie Suja doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing and it will take for ever and maybe I will mess it up and you’ll be sore or leaking and GAH I can’t handle this», but I always told myself that EVENTUALLY I will manage it like a pro- but then you know what: Kids grow up real fast, and suddenly he was done with diapers alltogether and because I copped out most of the times I never got the hang of it. Not gonna make the same mistake twice!!

But man, you should see me in action, you’d think I was performing open heart surgery or something- I might take it a liiiittle too serious 😅 But ah, babies- they are SO tiny and helpless, I think it’s so miraculous how most first-time mothers just feel comfortable and like they know what their doing just by instinct straight away-I’d be freaked out 24/7/365!!!

This sweater is an old fav, I think a pug’s (is it a pug??) face resemble my face a lot 😂 Same nose, and I have those lines from nose to mouth- haha! So if I ever do feel ready for a kid, I’ll just get a pug 😜

This bag is really cool, it can double as a mini-backpack and I love the lion head. I prefer motives from nature and the animal-kingdom when it comes to prints, details, logos etc.. I mean that is where true beauty is! Found it seconhand, it’s from Topshop originally.

Tomorrow it’s back to work.. I’ve received some really great feedback from my boss & co-workers, and I’ll be honest and say I’m kinda shocked, because I’ve not been satisfied with my own performance- but it feels really good (although a bit surreal) and maybe I just have to be a little more easy on myself. If I keep this up I’m gonna ruin the whole experience for myself and just feel bad about something that should and could be an opportunity to grow and learn a lot from.. Progress, NOT perfection!

I’ve completed some lyrics this weekend, but for the first time I’m not sure if I dare to post it here.. It’s about a really painful personal experience and realising someone you thought you were close to really does not care about or value you at all, betrayal and backstabbing, and I think it’s the first time I’ve written something where I’ve let myself not just feel hurt, but angry too.

I feel like anger is maybe the least accepted emotion, especially for women. Don’t clap back, don’t raise your voice, patch things up, let it go.. Always try to UNDERSTAND, accept, forgive and forget..

But there is a form of integrity in anger, in being able to say «You seriously hurt me, I expected more from you, this is actually worth my response, I have right to feel how I feel about the situation, you walked all over me and of course that upsets me!»

And in allowing yourself to actually let go of people that does something to you that you’d never do to them.

Realising that maybe you are the loyal and true friend here, and that the other person may not deserve you.

Letting yourself feel that anger, and not tell yourself that it is ‘petty’ or you are being a ‘bitch’ (man I hate that word)..

Poetry as therapy, that’s my motto. Maybe I’ll just write it on a piece of paper and burn it.

Said it before, I’ll say it again: My latest manic episode was hella expensive and I did a lot of not so deliberate purchases.. The worst part is that I went all in as a not-that-cut-out-for-the-job-Santa and got my family a lot of useless crap they didn’t even want- sorry ‘bout that you guys!

I decided not to include the manic buys in this post, because the episode lasted from the end of 2020 to the beginning of 2021, and I have no idea what I purchased when- and also..

Annonsørinnhold

I butikk: Vårskoene du går for

I’m so ashamed that it even happened 😔 It was my first time completely losing control in the spending department (although it is a very common manic trait) but I can’t really do anything but learn from it. And I need those in charge of treating my illness to do the same, if I’m full blown manic- take away my rights! My phone, my card, my laptop! It’s SO important to make these choices when you deal with a manic patient, people can risk getting in serious debt and it is so unnecessary! In my habitual state I am usually quite good with my personal economy, and I rarely do an impulse buy.. But fuck, it happened and I can’t undo it.

Anyway, here they are, the sane 2021-additions to my closet:

Sequin pants from Selected femme, I’ve wanted a pair of blingy, sequin gold pants for years and finally found these in an outlet- the price was 300 NOK

This jacket by Free/quent I found on the salesrack, it used to be 599 NOK and I got it for a whopping 100.. The saleswoman said «That must be the deal of the day» and I was like.. YUP! I love the color, the fancy buttons, that it is both dressy and casual depending on how you style it and also it’s really timeless.

Box clutch I found on sale at H&M, 150 NOK. Snakeprint? Love! And the detail with the pearl as the opening mechanism? Ah, love it when the cheap chainstores makes special pieces with well thought-out details like this, I feel like this bag could easily have been designed by one of the biggest fashion houses!

Combat boots from Koi footwear/Zalando: I love everything that has neat details, like the piercings on these shoes! It makes them so unique. It’s rare I buy anything at full price, but these were the reward from taking a really challenging class in the fall of 2021- I paid 829 NOK for these and do not regret, they are really solid and perfect for Norwegian winters!

A pair of boyfriend and a pair of skinny jeans from H&M. I gained a lot of weight in 2021 due to being hospitalized; inactive and heavily medicated, so I had to buy new jeans. I don’t care what the trendsetters say, I will NOT give up on skinny jeans! They are so flattering, and practical when it comes to pairing them with any kind of shoes. Skinny jeans & me, that’s a forever-thing.

I love statement earrings, all of these are from H&M. Think the price for the ‘waterfall’ ones were 50 and 99 NOK, and the pearl ones was also 50 NOK on sale.

Shades 99 NOK, from H&M. A classic!

This glitter cut-out dress is also from H&M, I got it for New year’s eve, but I think it will be a cool dress for spring/summer as well, sun light really does sparkling items like this justice!

Army boots from Mjus/Zalando, 1535 NOK.. I wanted these for a long time, got them as a birthday present for myself at last.

Shoes by Raid/Zalando, 159 NOK. Love the buckles, and the pointy toes.

Ok as I wrap this post up, all I can say is this was more items than I expected. I have already done some purchases in january this year, so I’m missing out on 2022 as a completely no spend-year, but I’m trying to get through all of february without buying anything, and I really want to prolong that. The ideal would be to go through the rest of the year without adding more stuff to my wardrobe. Maybe I can do it? There’s some vintage pieces up on Ebay that I’ve really wanted, but I have denied myself even checking if they are still available 😅 I think that would be my biggest challenge, ‘Cuz they live rent free in my mind! But you have enough clothes, woman!!! And there’s just ONE planet Earth!

I know I talk a lot about investing in timeless, classy pieces that you can have forever, but sometimes it is fun to be a little crazy right..? And I was DEFINITELY certified crazy when I purchased these: In the midst of a hefty manic episode and should not have access to online shopping.. But that’s what happened and when I was out of it and I realised I’d bought these faux leather overalls I just thought «Ok, might as well rock it».

Annonsørinnhold

De beste kuppene innen sport og friluft

At 34 years old, some may say that youth is behind me but I respectfully disagree! I think I still have time to dress a little ‘out there’, and what’s fun with experimenting with clothes is it makes you more open to experiment with makeup and hair as well- Hello, space buns!

Faux fur from H&M last season, also a manic purchase.. I’ve written a statement that is in my mother’s care for the next time bipolar hijacks my brain, and it says «Do not let me have access to my phone or Visa», it’s pretty common with mania that you spend a LOT of money very recklessly, I haven’t really been doing this- until this latest episode. I felt really bad for it, but can only take it as a lesson. I’m sorry to all the people that got gifted a lot of shitty useless crap from me and my manic brain..

Anyway, today I was supposed to be at work and then meet a friend- but I didn’t get enough sleep and when I got out of bed I experienced a drop in blood pressure (is that the right translation?? Norsk: Blodtrykksfall), it’s been happening to me every now and then after I started on medication for my bipolar illness, and it’s so uncomfortable! It starts ringing in my head, my sight gets blurry, I feel like I go deaf.. iIn the beginning I was convinced that now I’ll die, ‘Cuz that’s what it feels like- the whole body just shuts down and if I don’t lay down immediatly I’ll pass out. I’m so scared it will happen to me when I’m not at my own home!

I felt really faint afterwards, so had to call in sick and cancel with my friend. And then I slept like a rock for hours.. Fuckkkk! My sleep schedule was starting to get on point, now I’m afraid I’ve screwed it up again.. But I just have to keep working on it. Today was a little bump in the road, I’m not gonna let it escalate.

Have a good thursday night- It’s almost the weekend! 🌹