Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

I spent the day with my fav soon to be 4 years old guy in the world 🥰 Today we’ve been tiger and panther (we read the Junglebook, and we were not the good guys- we’ve been hunting for Mowgli to eat 😂). My nephew is just the coolest, so creative, and I think the most beautiful sound in the world is him, laughing with all his heart. God, how I love this kid!!

I mean, this smile could light up the Universe ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

I’m so grateful that I get to be auntie Suja ❤️
I hope there will be more kids in the clan (that’s not a hint, it’s a wish and a demand 😁)

Another thing that is fun to play with: Makeup! I bought a white eyeliner real cheap from MakeupMekka, it’s on sale now at 20 NOK at their site (it’s called Candy liner, Icing sugar) and I had to buy some extra (FUCK ME, there went no spend-february!) because white liner is a lot of fun, and I feel you can go extra crazy because it doesn’t show up as dramatic as dark colors would..

I’ve been thinking about my career-options, and I REALLY want to pursue something that involves an actual education, because I’ve always felt really dumb and it would mean so much to me to complete anything that leads to some kind of title.. Not because of the title itself, but it would mean I have worked hard to actually learn a craft. Makeup-artist would be so much fun, and I thiiiink it could be compatible with my bipolar-illness, at least more than a lot of other professions.

I always wanted to work in the health-sector, and I’ve pursued that in the past, but together with my therapist I’ve had to conclude that it might not be ideal considering what I’m dealing with when it comes to my own mental health. Yeah, it sucks but that’s just how it is for me right now. I have frequent and severe outburts of mania, I hope it is possible to work on it and stay stable for longer periods, but nothing is certain in life and maybe I can, maybe I can’t.

If I should embark on becoming a makeup-artist and actually go to school to learn the craft, I would have to move though. And that’s also risky, because I have a good support system here, I know the drill and I know where to go and who’s gonna be there if my brain boils over again, and (and this is maybe the biggest security I have besides my own brutal honesty) I have a family that sticks up for me and there is honest communication about my warning signs and they tell me up front if they start guessing where my mental state is at.

Plus, moving somewhere new=major stress factor. Going to school and have to perform= major stress factor. Major stress factors= Higher risk for manic episode. Baaaah, I try not to feel caged by my illness, but I do tend to feel it whenever I start to think about the future, about dreams and ambitions..

So yeah, I just have to chill about that stuff I guess, things are ok now and I have a job and there’s gotta be possibilities out there and not just locked doors at the mental hospital right..?

Focus on that. My life is getting better and better because of my hard work, dedication, and because I am doing my best at being brave.. I am doing the best I can with what I have, and that to me is success. I am kinder to myself, I am being creative and for the first time in a looong time I feel like I am starting to love my own mind again. I really hated that part of me for years after becoming bipolar, I hated the creative part of me because it made my psychosis so believable and I felt so stuck in those bizarre ways of thinking and the ideas and delusions I came up with.

Now I have my brain at it’s best, and I’ve missed that so much. I was scared that the best part of me had died. But I’m still here, and I am still.. ME. I want to hold on to that, hold on for life.. So that even if my mind fucks with me again, I can still go back to being me once it’s over with.

Right now, that is my biggest ambition in life. And that is good enough for me!

Hope you have a lovely weekend 🌹

I think I’ve lost the sight of shore

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

It’s happened many times before

Feels like the water pulls me down

I’m not afraid anymore

I am ready to subdue to the ocean

So I fill my lungs and drown

And if you look for me

I’ll be at the bottom of the sea

I’m just a sinking ship, I know

And you got time to let me go

Love felt so good when I was young

Like honey drops on my tongue

I didn’t know how it could hurt

Or how your heart can torture you

When it’s been dragged through the dirt

So I said to myself

«I’ll build my heart just like a battleship»

But there is an armada out there

Ready to torpedo it

And now I’m slowly turning blue

There’s a graveyeard down there, waiting

And I know that it’s long due

So I sink all the way to the bottom

It’s not a tragedy, no, it is destiny

I was never ment for great things

I am just shark baiting

I’m just a sinking ship, I know

And you still got time to let me go

I’m just..

A sinking ship, I know

And you still got time to let me go

Let me go

Freestyle in my sleep, freestyle without a beat 😈

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Heard you say «what that mouth do»

Well let me tell you:

Might just get hungry and eat you

(I’m a fullblown carnivore)

Welcome to the cannibal barbeque

(I’ll roast you)

How’s that for a whore

Guess you should have paid me more

🎵

Be real careful what you say behind my back

I might just make you say it to my face

I got the balls you seem to lack

There’s enough assholes among the human race

Ain’t nobody gonna miss you if you disappear without a trace

🎵

Oh I just love it when they talk shit

Get to test just how far I can spit

Keep on talking smack

Didn’t grow this Jaws-sized mouth for nothing

Just entered your kiddy pool and I bite back

Talking like a big dog, huh

To me you’re just a bite-sized snack

🎵

Oh I’ll show you what this mouth do

Welcome to my cannibal barbeque

Chop, chop little dude

Your roasted dick is on the menu

I’ve had these moments the last days where I’ve just felt.. Gratitude, I guess. I’m grateful that this is my life right now, that for the past six months there’s been steady progression, I’m grateful that I made it through Christmas without having a manic episode, I’m so fucking grateful for the freedom I have right now, that it’s something I’ve fought so hard for for so many years.. I’m grateful for all the difficult times, because they have truly made me appreciate a lot of things I’d probably take for granted if I didn’t know better.

I’m also grateful for not feeling that massive fear of becoming sick again (and this is not me saying that I want it to happen), I know that when mania strikes again- and eventually it will, I have to be prepared for that- I will handle it. It will be hard probably, but I no longer think that it will break me, I have faced it so many times now and I know that if I hit rock bottom I will eventually claw my way up again.

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Speaking of freedom, I’ve been swimming two days in a row now. I’m not gonna start again with what a big step this is for me and the complicated relationship I’ve had with my body, because I’ve adressed that a lot in previous posts.. 😅 But it’s another thing that makes me feel really grateful!

Not an interesting (is it ever with this basic bitch 🙄) outfit today, just sweats. But a good classic coat and quality shoes, and a fancy hat kinda helps..?

I have this script in my head, and I kinda want to share the plot here because I think it’s pretty funny (and prob offensive as fuck if you’re religious so stop reading NOW in that case ‘Cuz you will NOT like this..) It’s obviously just a rough draft, but.. If I ever somehow stumble upon a pot of gold I will make this a movie for sure 😁

I kept seeing «movies» or just film-like scenes in my head when I was really psychotic, and I always thought some of them could be really interesting ideas for a full film/book/whatever.

One of them was this angel falls for devil-thing, like this really erotic and really forbidden  fantasy thing.. So now I have kinda finished it as an entire story with a beginning and an end. Here’s the plot, in short: So god really does exist in this story, but he is anything but good. He has a team of plastic surgeons and picks his angels based on who will become the most beautiful after his team of surgeons have altered them to fit his impossible standard of «perfection». The angels are supposed to be «good» as in submissive and they exist only to pleasure this wicked god-figure. Most of the angels are fine with that, because they fall in love with their own reflection when they see that they are now physically «perfect» and they are filled with plastic here and there. They all pretty much accept that their only mission in life is to be admired for their looks and used for sex. They are willing to be objectified and exist only to please the male gaze, because this makes them feel powerful- and they ignore the fact that they are being used, and because they are in love with what they see in the mirror they become more and more devoid of anything that recembles a personality, and there is no urge to find a deeper meaning with life other than simply reaching what a man has decided to be the epitome of physical perfection. (Yeah, what’s happening right now with plastic surgery becoming more and more the norm in society, and more and more women strive to alter everything about their appearance being «perfect» is freaking me the hell out)

BUT then comes this new candidate, and she is immediatly told that she will undergo a complete «makeover» because as she is she is not anywhere near the «ideal», acne, small saggy boobs, not a big enough ass etc etc.. But she refuses to do this, and does pretty much everything in her power to resist and rebel against anything her «god» tells her to. She causes havoc any chance she gets, and eventually ‘god’ has no choice but to give up, because she is impossible to brainwash into being one of his ‘perfect props’, and he decides to send her to.. Hell, of course.

She meets the devil, she falls for him because initially they seem to share the same qualities: Individualism, same morals, the desire to oppress against a regime that is utterly corrupt.. (insert a lot of reeeeally hot sex-scenes here) and tries to convince him to go to war against ‘god’ and his plastic angel army but he fails her several times, and eventually she realises that even though there is so much chemistry and they have amazing sex, in the end he is not as brave as her and he is not willing to fight and bleed for change to the degree she is (yup, been there).. So she abandons him and venture on by her self, and she discovers that the dragons she has read about in the forbidden books really do exist but has been banned to the shadow world by ‘god’, and the devil has allowed this to happen, even though he is originally selected by nature herself as their protector.

She finds the dragons, talks them into fighting for freedom, and they become allies in the war of the universe, overthrowing both heaven and hell.

In the end, she decides to live with them, she realises that they are more similat to her than any other living thing- they are wild, they have courage, they are ment for freedom, and they are brave and loyal. She finds ultimate freedom, she remains independent, and she lives like a savage happily ever after.

Ok, so that was not really short 😂 But now it’s out of my head and down on virtual paper.. Oh, and I had to draw my angel who doesn’t want to be an angel but a dragon 🐉

I was going to draw a closeup of her face, and then one full figure of her outfit (because of course she’ll have a bad ass wardrobe) but I have to do boring adult things now and stop playing around (that’s what being creative in any way is to me- to PLAY and that’s why I love it) so if I get around to it I’ll do an update on this post. Aaand before I wrap this post up, I just have to add that the soundtrack would be heavily filled with tracks from Within Temptation’s album Resist (can’t believe no one has done that yet, because we are talking EPIC songs here..) Just listen to this

Ok, now I’m gonna go back to being a really boring adult and adulting 😅

»THERE’S 3 SIDES OF EVERY STORY: YOURS, MINE AND THE WHOLE DAMN TRUTH..»

Two songs, one case.

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

[Remission]

You have a part of me
I can do without
I’d rather bleed than cry actual tears
Over these messed up affairs

You talked smack, I heard it, you bite, I spit back. What happened to your cojones, is this how you attack? You did me dirty, I gave it all I had. Put me on a pedestal, cut it down and watched me fall, now word is you hate me- Who even cares..?

You quit, I lost my wit.. I’m so sick of this skit, how we were closed knit then we split. Blink of an eye, still you can’t tell me why..
Who even cares..? Used to dream about you, now you haunt me in my nightmares. All these lies through your perfect teeth, not one of ‘em was true. So damn you, fuck off, and I hope I haunt your nightmares too.

[Remorse]

Said I hope you choke on your coke

Like your issues were some kind of joke

I know just how deep your wounds really go

But you cut me loose

That was such a blow

to my fragile ego

I’m sorry for wherever it was I fucked up

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough

You truly were one of a kind you know

And I don’t have a backup

Got under your bestfriend just to get over you

Can’t believe the messed up shit that I do

No wonder you doubt it was true

When I said I’d really fight for you

When it came to it I just broke down

Deleted your number from my phone

Man, you should know it really hurt to the bone

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone

I’m sorry for whatever I said that got us fucked up

I really try, but it’s never enough

You were one of a kind, you know

And I don’t have a backup

I hope you stay sane and safe

I hope you get clean

I’m sorry for what went down in the aftermath

Probably doesn’t matter to you, but I never did it to be mean

You ment something special you know

I really did miss you the moment you left

I think I loved you more than I was able to show

Ain’t that many people that has truly mattered to me

And I never told you, but

you felt like my blood, like family..

We were both the same kind of fucked up

And there is a whopping 7 billion of us

But I don’t have a backup

Talking about the weather is probably the least interesting thing I know, but just gotta say it: I am so over the cold wind combined with rain my region has been having for what feels like an eternity now.. I need to see the sun soon! I’m forever a northern girl at heart, and winter is usually my vibe, but.. I am officially ready for spring. Winter in the south west coast of Norway isn’t really winter anyway, more like a cold, wet version of hell.. Well, it feels like that right now anyway 😅 Enough complaining. Nothing to do about it anyway (except booking a ticket to somewhere warm & sunny, which I’m seriously considering..)

Today’s outfit, sequins & pearls:

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

I’m still trying to get through february without buying anything, BUT I went through my closet and sorted out everything that needed some kind of repair. I’ve been dreading and procrastinated starting on this project because I am not skilled or experienced in the art of sewing! BUT to my huge surprise it was really friggin’ fun! Who knew!! I sewed on buttons, stitched holes and tears, and hemmed a couple of pants. So now I have a bag full of «new» old clothes! And I want to do more needle work, ‘cuz it’s the most satisfying activity I’ve done in a while!

I’ve really been struggling with my confidence lately (who am I kidding, I’m pretty much always battling that issue 🙄) so it was really great to feel like I actually mastered something I did not expect to, and that it also gave me a real sense of joy. I guess the lesson here is try new things, you asshole, ‘‘Cuz you won’t discover what you like until you actually TRY it!

Ok so that is on the to-do list going forward. Keep an open mind and just dive into the new and unknown. Especially those things where my first thought is «I’ll never be able to do that». I might just prove myself wrong! And to do that, might just be one of the best feelings in the world.

Happy Valentines and don’t change ❤️😈

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Get you a girl who can cook, who can clean

A girl you can treat as shit as you please

and still she’ll never be mean

Get you a girl who’s solid like a rock

Someone you can treat as you please

She’ll stay faithful to your cock

But she won’t ride you ‘till the bed rocks..

And after a while

You’ll go back to jacking off in your old socks

🎵

Well, I don’t care what your mama told you

Bad girls are the best girls

🎵

I’m taking these pills just so I won’t go to war against my hood

Everyone knows I am crazy

Still don’t get me misunderstood

There’s a part of me I just can’t and won’t tame

So many people grow up just to be lame

And they’ll look at you and judge you and expect you to do the same

Join the rat race, get married, get kids, but I’m sorry to say

I just don’t wanna play that game

🎵

And I don’t care what your mama told you

Bad girls are the best girls

🎵

And all these men will chase you

When rep get’s around that you’re real good at what you do

At first they just wanna play you

Get the pleasure, then walk out the door

Then they think about you, wanting more

Thinking ‘bout having you all the time

And if they married this bad girl, is it a crime?

But bad girls ain’t waiting for men to get in line

And they can live without you just fine

🎵

I don’t care, don’t care what your mama told you

Bad girls are, are the best girls

🎵

Handcuffed in the streets

A real freak in the sheets

Go all out on ya every day of the week

But real picky and knows just what I seek

And don’t expect me to get weak in my knees

You better know just how to please

‘Cuz a bad girl is real good at self-satisfaction

And she’s not afraid of your reaction

When she’s done, you’ll never see her again

Better enjoy what you have when you get her in action

🎵

I don’t care what your mama said

I know I still play on repeat in your head

Bad girls, bad girls

Bad girls are the best girls

🎵

A bad girl can go for years

Without anyone, she’s got no fears

Unafraid to be alone

She can satisfy herself all by herself at home

And a bad girl can go for years

Without shedding any tears

Doesn’t dream of white dresses, champagne

Not afraid to miss her train

She’s king and queen in her own mind

In sunshine and in rain

She can take the good and the pain

No man can change who she is at the core

Fuck with her all you want

She stays true to herself, she stays the same

🎵

Bad girls, bad girls

All my bad girls

Don’t care what they say, nah

Bad girls are the best girls

I am terrible with dates (numbers in general) and I had no idea it’s Valentines day today until my friend called and asked me «What are you doing for Valentines day» and I was like eeehm, when is that and am I supposed to be doing something??

I am not a relationship-person. I’m not sure I even believe in everlasting love where there is also lust. Those two make things complicated after a while. I’m not sticking around with someone where the is no spark anymore. If you are in a monogamous relationship then the sex-part is the only thing you share with your partner that you can not get anywhere else. It’s important, and maybe as a woman I’m not supposed to feel that, but fuck it I do. I’m not sticking around if the lust-part is fading or completely over and can not be rekindled. I’m not holding on to something where it’s not fun anymore, I’m not holding on to someone that gradually change for the worse and starts treating me like they don’t appreciate me anymore.

And same with me, if I can’t and no longer feel like giving you the best I have to give, then there is no point anymore. I honestly think it’s a skill to be able to be brutally honest about «where are we heading» and being able to end a relationship before it gets real ugly, because that is happening to so many. I’d rather call quits before the cheating, before the ugly name-calling and fighting, before the love turns to hate and enemies for life. To me, that is what being truly loyal means- respect someone enough to say the painful words «this is not working for me anymore» and then be able to hug and walk away with gratitude for what has been. But that’s just how I see it, and I know not many share my vision.

I do like a theme tho’, so I had to dress the part..

This sweater is so cute with the details of transparent hearts.. It’s from H&M Divided years ago.

I think today is a day to be grateful for the fact that I live in a country where the women before me battled for womens’ rights and therefore I can live a life where I don’t NEED a man to have financial freedom or be able to walk around safely, that I can dress how I want and fuck who I want, that I can choose the career I wish (if I ever figure that part out) and that I can opt out on things like giving birth to ten children because my only worth in life is that I have a womb.. I am grateful for my mum who walked out of an unhappy marriage (even if I hated her for it back then, but I didn’t get the full picture) and who’s always been the best rolemodel I could wish for as an independent, strong woman.

It’s also a day for me to be grateful that I’m not stuck in a relationship that isn’t happy or healthy, that I don’t have to deal with someone who’s toxic because he happens to be my baby daddy, and that if the right person happens to come in my way down the road I am completely free to go all-in in that..

If you are single today, I hope you join me celebrating this day like I do 🤗 Make yourself a good drink, order take-out, pop a bag of popcorn and put on good music, and celebrate your relationship with the most important person in your life- and that’s you! Sure, I am a complicated person and battling a lot of demons, but heck I’ve been and keep being there for me and that counts for something!

Either way, happy V-day ❤️

It’s funny how I can strip down right in front of your eyes

And still you don’t really see me

I’ve been lying to myself I guess

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Telling myself I can do without

Someone who actually gives a shit

That there is a universe inside my mind

Someone who still pays attention

When the action is over and I’m back in my clothes

It seems that to a lot of men

The fact that I have a brain is beyond their comprehension

Or maybe they just don’t care

Cum in my mouth, then shut up bitch

But lately that mouth seem to twitch

from the words I feel the need to spit

Bite my lip

Crack the whip against my hip

Yeah I’ll hurt you- no guilt trip

Tell you just how little you really mean to me, no censorship

I bet you think you do the trick

Ey, I am your gloryhole in the wall, and you you’re just a dick

Let’s not, let’s not pretend

The only thing I’ll do for you is bend

Ain’t no breaking hearts in this

We both know we feel nothing

It’s just desire

That’s how we’re wired

But lately I’ve been tired

Orgasms are great, but they don’t last long enough

To justify

Let’s not pretend, babe

Don’t even try

I’m so damn good at telling when you lie

I always said I’m enough for me

Truth is I’m more than I can handle actually

But this woman sure loves to be free

It’s just this dreadful feeling

that no one really hear or see or feel me

I’m just not vibing with my species

Maybe I should be locked up with the monkeys in the Zoo, throwing feices

Life does tend to feel like a cage

And everyone loves a magic dragon that gives ‘em what they want but

ain’t a damn soul who wants to be around her when she lets out her rage

I’m just a pornstar, I just do the kinda loving that’s fake

If I had some real love between my hands

that’s probably more than I could take

I always say I’m heartless, that there’s nothing to break

So let’s go again tonight

and I’ll turn on the light

and I’ll moan and scream, make a real good scene

and act like you really do tempt me

But goddamn do I feel hollow and empty

Let’s not pretend

1,2,3 ACTION

You come, I come, it’s satisfaction

But still, it’s a game

And I wonder sometimes in the middle of it

Why I’m thinking of someone else’s name

And you, you probably do the same

Pornstar lovers, we are pornstar lovers

Doing pornstar lovin’

Two people who fuck when they feel like giving in

At least there’s no need for forgiving

We ain’t much but we do the trick

I’m your gloryhole in the wall, and you you’re just a dick

Fuck until we both sore

Ain’t none of us admitting that

we crave for more

Pornstar lovin’

It’s just pornstar lovin’

I was afraid that with the re-occuring suicidal thoughts I’ve experienced, this was the beginning of another severe period of depression. But I am grateful (and quite proud!) to say that I’ve managed to do some conscious choices and worked real hard on my mindset, and I didn’t fall all the way down to the basement and beyond- I’ve made some really good days for myself and I feel good 😊

Today’s basic bitch (I have come to terms with the fact that I am definitely one when it comes to style 😅) outfit:

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

And if I add anything else to my closet in 2022 it is DEFINITELY something with bold colors ‘Cuz there is enough neutrals for sure!

Cardigan is from H&M, found on sale at 100 NOK. T-shirt is by Lindex some years ago.

Bag is Alexander Wang, coat is also H&M, from their january sale 3 years ago. I knew that if I went for white, I would stain it- and of course, I did 😅 Haven’t bothered to try and remove it yet, doesn’t show when I close it anyway. Other than that I’m really happy with this color, I prefer anything but black for winter clothes- it’s enough dark surrounding us as it is this time of the year!

Jewellery game of the day: Snake ring from H&M, vintage watch that doubles as a bracelet from Halston, and a real bullet-necklace I found on Ebay years ago. I’m NOT pro-guns, actually hate the concept of being able to take someone elses life just by a little pull of a finger- BUT I have been ready to die at several points of my life and there might come a time again when I decide enough is enough. I don’t want to grow old no matter what, and if my health should decline to a point where all I do is suffer, then I might want to just end it. Death will come to all who lives, and sometimes it can be a mercy. This pendant remains me of that: I am free to live, but I am also free to die.. It helps me in times when life gets rough and I hurt so much it’s almost unbearable- I choose to endure it.

Finally learned how to do a more subtle makeup, it was always either full dragshow or nothing for me, but now I’m able to do just a few touches and then I leave the brushes alone 😅 So just some bronze & highlight, a little eyeshadow and a winged eyeliner today.

Haven’t been drawing anything for ages, but this weekend I just had to do it, my fingers were itching! My babygirl asked me to do a sketch for her studio (she’s a rapper, and a really good one!) but I never got around to it- until now. AND I want a snake-tatt on my damn face now more than ever 😂

Other than that I’ve been a human slide for my oldest nephew (REALLY wish I had pics or a video to show you that haha- we had FUN) and I’m just spending time with my closest and having quality time ❤️ Hope you’ve had a good weekend too 🌹