I’m sorry that my mind is such a dark place, and the words that breeds from that darkness should probably not see the light. But they are the tools I have to keep myself alive, and honestly I don’t know anymore if that is a good thing or a bad thing, because while they keep me alive they do not set me free either.. And that is all I want, to be free. Free from myself, most of all. Is it only death that can grant me that freedom..? Am I capable of thinking and feeling in a way that does not torture my soul..? I don’t know.

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

My world is imploding

I’m just waiting for my inner demons to press the button, have my brain exploding

Taking the reins of my fragile mind

and turning me into a raging machine

So I can handle being alive

No more of this

I can’t force myself through another day

I know you don’t understand

My mind and its wicked ways

and when I’m gone, be honest with your last words

And say it like it is; I wasted all my days

I know you expect me to keep pretending

I’ve played this part for you all my life

Well, I ran out of lines

I’m done being your prop, I’m done with this performance

I can’t keep ignoring all the signs

I can’t suppress all the bad memories, when I keep stepping on them like mines

And yeah, they do still blow up in my head from time to time

No more of this, no more of anything

These four walls are slowly closing in

I know you don’t understand, you don’t ask and I can no longer tell

All I know is I’m not feeling well

and when I’m gone, be honest with your last words

and say it like it is; Now I’m burning in hell

I don’t want to lose touch with reality

but I can’t cope with it much longer

I don’t want to sacrifice my sanity

But that’s the only thing I can do to make myself a little bit stronger

I take these pills, I’m faking smiles, I drag myself through the sleepless nights

and when the day arrives I just turn around and close my eyes

Just be honest with your last words, for once in your life

Say it how it is, I wasted all of mine

All the way up to the final deadline

and no one in the room is really feeling sad

’Cuz I was the blackest sheep, and I was always some kind of bad

and I blew up every chance that I had

And then you bury me, and I won’t feel a thing

No, I won’t feel a thing..

and that’s all I ever wished for, that’s all I ever wanted

That’s what I dreamed of, above all or anything

For my mind to be silent, and to feel.. nothing

Warning: Going deeper and darker than I should.. But it’s almost Halloween, so in that spirit.. 😅 (also in my head this is a metal song, and you’re allowed to go deep and dark in this genre, no..?)

A lifetime worth of hurt

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

and no one to turn to

Just me and my cursed words

When have they ever saved me

And yet they are all that remains

Oh, I used them

Back when they were all I had

and I could still believe they held some power

Threw them in their faces

Ricocheting right back into mine

I wish they’d murdered me then

After all

Allowing me to survive was the ultimate form of torture

No one understands the madness

When they had the privilege to forget

And those who do know

Forever keeps their mouth wired shut

Stay quiet to your grave now

I will never be the victim of this story

If you think of me

Think of that raging beast of a maniac

You forced me to become

I hope you build a castle on the cemetery

I hope you build your empire

A new world

So I can burn it all to the ground

There is a form of freedom found in hate

I will never succumb to love again

My heart was never broken

I disposed of it

and buried it next to my father

And you will never be

a man like him

Will never understand

love like him

and never have to sacrifice

Your mind like him

Never had to jeopardize your sanity

Like we did.. Like I still do

And you never had to be so strong

That it broke you

And I can’t forgive you now

I can’t forgive you now

Because I was there to hold you

and I held you while they hanged you

and I carried you when they broke your feet

And in return

You stood there silent

and watched me bleed

Until I had bled dry

I forgot it all

Now I remember why

I can’t forgive you now

I won’t forgive you now

Stay quiet all the way to your grave now

If you think of me

Think of that raging lunatic, that crazy demon

With eyes pitch black from the hate

(oh there’s such a form of freedom in that rage!)

I refuse to be the victim of this story

and it’s far too late for me to be saved!

And you build that castle on the cemetery

You build your empire, your new world

Take over the whole damn universe

So there’s more for me to burn

I sheltered you from the pain once

But now it’s time you learn

So you wander through the darkness

and your heart is filled with sadness

Your mind is on the brink of madness

Annonsørinnhold

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Keep going..

Keep going.

You feel lost, I know

But you will find yourself on the other side of this

Yeah, you’ll find yourself, find yourself

on the other side of this

It hurts when life throws punches in your face

and it sucks to feel like you can’t find your place

When you get lost inside the maze

When there’s no footprints you can trace

Feeling like an outcast from the human race

I know, I know..

But you gotta keep on going on

Keep on going on

You will find yourself, find yourself

on the other side of this

If there’s one thing I can tell you

It’s that you can and will make it through

You can and will make it through

If there’s a storm in your life right now, know it will pass

If there’s a devil talking in your head, kick him in the ass

If you feel lost, if you lost hope..

If you feel like you’re at the end of the rope

You do have the power within you to cope

C’mon now, believe me when I say

You’ll find yourself on the other side of this

Find yourself on the other side of this

Stronger, braver, better

Future you are waiting, go get her

Go get her

Don’t quit now

and don’t look back

Keep going- forward

Don’t paint the future in black

You feel lost, I know, I know..

and life is tied in one big knot

But you will find yourself, find yourself

on the other side of this

Yeah, you will find yourself on the other side of this

Life will always be a case of hit-or-miss

But you will find yourself, find yourself, find yourself

On the other side of this

I’m sure you’re doing fine

Popping pills and snorting lines

Yeah, I’m sure you do just fine

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Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Always getting away with all your petty crimes

And sure, none of your remedies are pure

But at least you have a cure

Tomorrow you’ll be hang-over

But I’m over here and I’m too damn sober

Counting my mistakes

and now all my nerves got the shakes

God, I need to turn off my thougths!

But I can never hit the brakes

I have to..

handle my hurt

But my confidence has been dragged through the dirt

and now I’m questioning what I’m worth

And this feeling is gut-wrenching, it’s soul-crushing

It always sums up to NOTHING

Are you out there, having fun?

Do you mind if I borrow your gun?

I could use my brain, painted on the wall

’cuz right now it doesn’t help me at all

I fell off my high horse, I’m face down in the dirt

I have to- but I can’t

I can’t handle my hurt!

Yeah, I’m..

Cold sober, I’m straight, I am clean

You’re high, and you’re wasted, you’re mean

and none of your remedies are pure

But at least you have a cure

At least you have a cure..

I’m questioning my worth

I’m questioning my worth

Since the day of my birth..

Is there no place for me on Earth..?
I’m questioning my worth

Always questioning my worth..

And argh, it’s gut-wrenching, it’s soul-crushing

’cuz it always, always, always!!

Sums up to NOTHING

So tell me, is time the healer..?

Or is it time to just say ‘fuck this shit’

and dial the number to your dealer

Ah..

Fuck this shit

Hand me my phone!

Oooh, I’m..

Drowning in my head again

Chained to my bed again

Annonsørinnhold

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Living like a walking dead again

Yeah, I’m so ungrateful

and when I face myself in the mirror

I feel so damn hateful

and I can’t think a constructive thought to save my life

I’m just choking myself slowly

and twisting and turning the knife

in all these wounds that should have healed long ago

Ooh, I’m..

Doubting myself again..

Isolating myself again..

Depriving myself of a real life again..

Which way?

It’s too dark to see clearly now

Which way?

My feet are too heavy to move somehow

Which way..

Yeah, I’m so ungrateful

and when I face myself in the mirror

I feel so damn hateful

and I can’t recall what makes me feel good

and being around anyone at all

just makes me feel all the more misunderstood

and I don’t even get myself

although I know that I should

Ooh, I’m..

Getting lost again..

Feeling lonely again..

Losing all hope again

Which way?

It’s too dark to see clearly know

Which way?

I know I gotta save myself but I don’t know how

Which way..

Which way..

Got on a plane with a plan

Flew away from these streets and my empty sheets

Haven’t seen or heard from you in weeks

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

It was fine, but now I’m home

I’m back in town, back in my own bed

Back to my old life, back in my own damn head

And here’s Lucifer in my mind again

And I shouldn’t be fucking with him, ‘cuz he always fucks me over

But I can’t chase out the memories

After all, this devil was my very first lover

Why can’t I just let go?

Why do I still have the need to know

To figure out the details of a story shattered in a million pieces

I guess it broke for a reason

I could handle pretty much anything

But my first lover’s treason

I can’t hate you

I can’t hate you even though I should

And you would never ever love me

Even if you could

Stone cold psychopath

So if I can’t have the love I will settle for your wrath

Does this mean I’ll go insane again

Guess only time will tell

I could never enter heaven

But I got a free pass to hell

And he will be there

Oh, he will be there

With his chains and torture devices

Still it’s that face that has me in a state of crisis

I can handle anything life throws at me

Anything but him walking out on me

He always walks out on me

Why did I have to go there

Why do you have to be there

Oh, Lucifer is in my head again

Guess that means I’ll go insane again

Well, only time will tell

I could never enter heaven

But I got, got a free pass to hell

And he will be there

Oh, he’s always waiting there

With his chains and his torture devices

But even after all these years

It’s still that face that gets me in a state of crisis

I can’t hate you and I can’t let go

Even if I know that I should

and you would never ever love me

Even if you were human enough so you could

Stone cold psychopath

If I can’t have your love, I’ll settle for your wrath

I’ll settle for your wrath..

and may all the gods made up by man forgive me now

For walking down this path

Jeg er tilbake i Norge igjen, brunere, blidere og har kommet meg over det jeg trengte å gå videre fra. Heldigvis! Ser jo nå at jeg har tatt den beste beslutningen for begge parter. It just wasn’t ment to be. Og det visste vi vel begge to, hele tiden. Jeg hadde veldig flaks at denne ferien lot seg gjøre akkurat nå. Det var akkurat det jeg trengte. Tusen takk til favoritt-damene mine som ble med ❤️

Hatt det veldig fint på ferie, men kjente de siste dagene at nå er jeg klar til å reise hjem og tilbake til hverdag.. Men så slo det meg jo at jeg har faktisk ikke så mye hverdag å komme hjem til, og den er jo litt kjip. Jeg har prøvd å ordne et møte angående det, men det tar tiiid tydeligvis og nå er jeg redd for at jeg ikke kommer til å bli prioritert. Men jeg har en plan B, så nå må jeg bare komme i gang. Jeg tenker at det spiller faktisk ikke så stor rolle hva jeg gjør, bare jeg gjør NOE.

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Framover vil jeg fylle livet mitt med mer som gir meg mening: Jeg vil ha en arena der jeg føler at jeg bidrar, en arena der jeg gjør noe bra for kroppen min (skal begynne med yoga en dag i uka som en start), og så har jeg jo favoritthobbien og lidenskapen min som er låtskrivinga. Nå har jeg bare tre sanger igjen å skrive fra Songs for the lost souls-prosjektet mitt og jeg gruer meg faktisk litt til å bli ferdig for det har vært skikkelig gøy. Men når det er gjort, har jeg jo faktisk fullført et helt album (kan jeg kalle det dét så lenge jeg ikke har spilt det inn? Høhø) bestående av 15 låter. Regner med at jeg kommer til å skrive noen bonus-tracks også.

Avsluttet med dette bildet, min foretrukne måte å entre bassenget på 🤪

Håper alle har en fin uke 🌹

Lever livet på ferie, og har det bra! Vært nærmere 30 grader hver dag, og vi er stort sett ved basseng eller sjø og bader. Og så spiser vi da.. Herregud, jeg blir ikke overrasket om jeg kommer hjem og veier 10 kg ekstra, går stort sett konstant oppblåst rundt med en foodbaby. Skal komme i gang med trening når jeg kommer hjem. Minn meg på det hvis jeg fortrenger det! 😅

Denne dagen er jeg for meg selv mens resten av gjengen er i Rhodos sentrum. Det holdt med en dag med å traske rundt i bygatene for min del, jeg har vært her såpass mange ganger før så det er ikke såå spennende og shoppingen her er ikke så interessant synes jeg. Så jeg ligger i sola, bader, har spist den største isen jeg fant til lunsj, og har det helt greit i mitt eget selskap. Gruer meg litt til å spise middag helt alene da, hehe. Men jeg skal gjøre det!

Dette høres kanskje dumt ut for noen siden jeg er i en alder av snart 35, men dette hadde jeg ikke klart for over ett år siden- å ha en dag i et annet land helt for meg selv altså. Jeg har hatt sterk angst så lenge, og vært avhengig av å alltid ha noen å dilte med. Det beste med å få mer kontroll over angsten er følelsen av selvstendighet det gir! Kanskje neste steg blir å reise på ferie alene..? Men det tror jeg kanskje blir litt kjedelig i lengden. Kan reise til et sted der jeg har kjentfolk da. Må kanskje føre opp det punktet på bucketlista.

That’s it fra denne kanten for nå. Håper alt står bra til hjemme i moderlandet 🤗

De siste dagene har jeg hatt en trang til å gå tilbake til det jeg har gått fra. But then what, we fuck, we fight..? Jeg har tatt meg i det da. Det er jo ikke bare meg og mine følelser oppi dette, det er også en annen person som fortjener å få gå videre i fred. Vi var feil for hverandre før, og ingen av oss har forandret seg, så det hadde ikke blitt mer rett nå. Jeg må jo bare holde fast på den sannheten der, og komme meg videre med mitt eget liv.

Let litt av meg selv da, for dette bildet her har poppet opp i hodet mitt hele tiden i det siste:

Er altså jeg som har det som mannen her 😅 Håper i det minste den andre parten tar det som dama..

Det passer perfekt at jeg skal boarde et fly sørover i morgen tidlig, og ikke være hjemme i Norge på ei uke. Tror jeg trenger den ekstra distansen akkurat nå. Har også klart å stresspakke ferdig, men tror jeg har tatt med for mye og må slanke innholdet litt.. Typisk meg 🙄

God helg da 🌹

Get out of my head, get out of my mind

You’re not the one I need to find

I lose myself from time to time

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

and I guess desire made me blind

For a while you kept the monsters in my head at bay

But time goes by and now there’s nothing left to say

I gotta carry myself, I gotta carry my weight

I have to run with my own fate

and I can’t call you now, it’s a little too late

and I guess what we had, has faded from lust and turned into hate

Get out of my head, get out of my mind

There’s 7,9 billion of our kind

and I was never the one that you wanted to find

I lose myself from time to time

I even lose my own damn mind

For a while you made me feel alive, and I didn’t think about the ghosts from my past

But time goes by, and nothing ever really last

That’s just the way it works, even though it hurts

You gotta carry yourself, you gotta deal with your fate

and you can’t call me now, it’s a little too late

and I guess whatever you felt, has now hardened to hate

Get out of my head, get out of my mind

I can’t help what I saw, I can’t go blind

and whatever we stumbled upon, we were not meant to find

and yeah, it’s true I lose myself from time to time

But I don’t want it to happen now

So get out of my mind

Get out of my mind..

Whatever we stumbled upon

We were never meant to find