These demons, they all live rent free in my mind Manifesting as mania, turns me into the worst of ‘em Peace and purpose, I can’t find Serenity, what a fucking gem! 3,2,1- I’m counting down until I lose my shit again Manic mess, psycopath, who and what will I become? When these demons take over my brain (Insane, insane, insane) When these demons take over my brain (Not again, not again, not again!)
I don’t wanna be her But she has a mind of her own, and it can’t be mine It can’t be mine?! Yet she rules superior, and she decides the place and the time And I want to murder her so bad But if she dies, so do I (Now you know, don’t blame me if I try)
I wanna light the madness on fire, until it burns to ashes Destroy it all, until all of me crashes I can’t be under her spell… I wanna light her on fire and send her to hell And if I have to join her, well…
Sometimes I think the worst thing to be Is alive I’m sorry mama, but I said what I said It’s like all the monsters escaped from under the bed And now they live rent free inside my head My fucking head! I can’t escape this feeling of dread The road ahead is filled with mines I can’t see clearly because I’m always scouting for warning signs All I want is to stay inside these lines I don’t want to cross the border I just want my thoughts to stay in order.. Cursed, this terrorist living rent free in my head.. Keep those damn thoughts in order! Cursed, this damn bloody head This fucking supranuclear bipolar disorder
Okay, so these jeans are designer- John Galliano, and one of his signature-creations is the ‘newspaper’ print. My family helps running a second-hand store and I was there as a helping hand: I was SO intrigued when I stumbled across this pair: in a second-hand store in a tiny town in north of Norway- you really never know when or where you’ll strike gold when looking through second-hand, and that’s what makes it so fun!
First: I NEVER thought I’d fit any designer jeans- I have junk in all trunks 😂 But they fit perfectly! Second: The price was 30 NOK.. That’s INSANE, and I had to say it: These pants are worth A LOT more, and I am willing to pay a lot more.. But when I had argued the price up to 100 NOK the saleswoman (who also happens to be my favorite aunt ❤️) wouldn’t accept any higher bids so.. 🤷♀️
The top is handed down to me from a relative with a really good sense of style. Growing up in the 90’ies/early 2000’s my mom’s cousin would drop by huge bags of old clothes from her two daughters, and it would usually be a lot of neutral colors and very timeless, preppy, classic pieces- that I still have and use today. (That was SO nice of them, by the way- we didn’t have much money growing up, my mum being a single-mum of four kids..❤️)
This style of bracelet is called a ‘slave-bracelet’ and it’s typically a cuff around your wrist linked to rings on your fingers. This I found vintage, I think it could possibly be an antique even (but I’m no expert!) and I got it really cheap.
These gloves I found secondhand on Ebay, from Kenzo’s collab with H&M. Bag is from Kapp Ahl.
This hat used to belong to my sister, but I would always borrow it when I started struggling with anxiety in my teens- I felt like I could hide in this and avoid eye contact- I kinda depended on it to go outside at my worst of times- so my sister, the angel she is let me have it. I’ll never let go of this! It was such a big help for me at my lowest points, it gave me some freedom when I felt trapped inside my own head, limited by fear. And maybe that sounds dumb, but honestly- Crippling anxiety can feel like living behind bars. It can stop you from going out the door. I lived in that prison for years. Would not wish that shit on anyone..
I know that anxiety is a VERY hard enemy to get rid off, and I know it can return, hit me in the face full force again, but damn I work very hard each day to feel a sense of freedom, to feel brave, to take back the life this thief of joy took from me, and I will admit that I was a slave to it at times and I let it take too much control over me- but I am fighting very hard to take back the power to live my life by my own design. «A king in my own mind», as In Flames put it in the song ‘The quiet place’.
Wish you a good day 🌹 I had a therapy session today, and other than that: No plans! I don’t really know what to do either, I think I’ll have a creative session and finish some songs/poems I’ve been playing with for a while now.
Woop, I finished my work-week (starting very gently with two days a week) and I’m so happy I got to return to this inclusive, supportive work-place with a really great team! I’m terribly nervous and insecure, but I’ve felt really welcomed and been handled with a lot of patience, and I’m so grateful.. ❤️
Ok so don’t come for me, but I decided to reward myself for being really brave and I got this coat I’ve drooled over for a while now.. It dropped from 699 NOK to 399- at H&M.com and sold out SO fast- but I kept checking and finally it was back in my size- SO I clicked ‘buy’. Do I have enough coats? Yeah. Do I live in a cold climate where you get good use of these coats? Also yes.. Am I good at justifying shit..? Heck yeah! 😅
One thing tho’: There are no pockets! I decided I was ok with that, but it is REALLY annoying, I keep searching for pockets on autopilot, like why the fuck not include that in the designing process?? It’s 2022, women NEED pockets!
This beanie is SO cool, and made with love ❤️ My mama is SO attentive whenever I say I want something but can’t find it in stores, I told her years ago that I wanted a really shock pink beanie, and she just knitted one for me in 1-2-3. I didn’t ask her, she just did it- that is SO sweet!! So naturally this one is a wardrobe-favorite 🥰 I love how it’s reminiscent of a rastafarian hat in terms of the shape.
Up close of this bag that I’ve had for -20- years and is still going strong.. It’s this shiny snake-printed material with gold deets and it looks really exclusive in my humble opinion- but it is actually a REALLY cheap bag from one of the Scandinavian budget-friendly stores (Lindex, I have found a lot of good bags from them!).
I know there is an important discussion going on regarding fast fashion and the cheap chain-stores has been getting a lot of heat (and rightfully so) but I do have to say it: Low prices does not always equal low quality, and the biggest responsibility (and with that the power to make changes!) in my opinion sits with us as consumers. We owe it to the planet to keep our things for as long as possible.
Do I feel bad at times for my love of style? Yes. Do I own more clothes than I need? YES. But do my stuff get used and loved? Absolutely. If something needs to be repaired, I take care of it- I do not throw it away and replace it with something new. But can I do better, as a responsible consumer..? Of course. That is one of the reasons I wanted to experiment with this ‘personal style’- category on my blog, to really reflect over my own shopping habits, have full control over what I already own, keep track over how I buy, that it is a mix of just not new but also vintage/secondhand/hand-me-downs-items.. To be more aware and explore what style really means to me, if I can justify having this as a hobby, etc.. Just my own little project.
It is NOT to flaunt or flex, I want to be completely transparent on the fact that I’ve never had a big budget, that I had to save up for some things, buy them used, and that my main thing is that I am just very sure of what I like and that is the main catalyst for my style. I like styling because it is FUN, and it is fun because there are no rules- at least not in my head 😁 I want to promote individuality, I think a fashion industry that is not so ruled by this concept of always coming up with and copying new trends every hot minute but rather focused (and that goes from all parts of the chain- low to high end) on making pieces you can love a life-time and then it gets passed on- well, that would be quite the dream. That is my ideal, at least.
Anyway, speaking of long-lasting quality pieces that was DIRT cheap: This ring from China, I paid not even a full dollar for it.. I’ve had it for over ten years, and the quality and craftmabship is SO good- I was blown away. I personally think this is so prettier than the clunky leopard-ring from Cartier (sorry! No offense) and obviously this is not real gold or gemstones, but expensive jewellery has never really been my thing (and obviously I’ve never had the budget for it either). I have a collection of these animal-rings, and all of them are even after a decade still immaculate.
Now I’m gonna force my lazy ass to do a 10-minute work-out.. I HAVE to do something in order to get in better shape, but it is SO hard and I’ve just decided to start super slow and a little IS better than nothing at all, right? 😅
Some days just getting out of bed feels like mission impossible, but I managed to do it- altough very grumpy (I’m grateful I live alone on days like that.. 😅) I am not a morning-person, I want to be but I’m not quite there yet! My first thoughts when I wake up are usually really negative, and I’m trying to change my mindset and tell myself that it’s in my hands and power to create a good day.
And today was, I went swimming with my sister and oldest nephew. So no makeup and sweats it is. I would not enjoy makeup and style if it felt like something I’d have to commit to every day, I don’t know about you but I need those «IDGAF»-days 😅
For years I did not go NEAR anything that would involve a bathing suit, and it’s still not easy-breezy for me.. But I do it! I’ve mentioned before my struggle with eating disorders and body image, I used to be so sick in the head that when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t even see myself as human- I was convinced that I was a monster- a freak- and at times I couldn’t walk outside in broad daylight. I couldn’t handle being seen, because I felt so ugly and repulsive. It was horrible. I don’t really know how it started, I think just as a kid whenever someone treated me bad I would just jump to the conclusion that «Oh, it’s because I’m ugly» and I have no idea how that came to be- it just became the truth. As a child, I think you always try to make sense of things and figure shit out, and if you can’t the way you view yourself and others can get really skewed.. That’s what happened to me, anyway.
The thing I still struggle with are the parts of me that just are not «as they should be», and by that I mean.. Not perfect, I guess. My boobs, who’s been through a hellride in terms of gaining/losing/gaining/losing weight, full of stretchmarks, just the most «Not porn-aestethic»- tits you can imagine, if you catch my drift. And then there is a whole other list, but I’m not gonna go down that rabbit-hole. I try to tell myself that it is ok to not love all parts of my body, that it is ok to have flaws, that I’m still working on just being able to accept myself for the whole imperfect package I come in. And that it’s alright that it takes time, that it is an ongoing-battle..
I won today, because it didn’t get in the way of me enjoying time with my family, and plus.. Being in water feels really great. Someone told me once «How it feels is so much more important than how it looks». That’s so true ❤️
Ok, so today is the big «out of the comfort-zone and back to business»-day and I am really nervous but also really excited! I was really lucky to get this job, in the midst of Covid and everything, and I was REALLY lucky that I was wanted back after a looong recovery process from my latest manic episode.
Not only am I bipolar, but I’ve also struggled with really severe anxiety and I have let it take far more control over my life than I am proud to admit- but it’s the brutal honest truth. There’s been so much that I just couldn’t do because the anxiety attacks were too much for me to handle, it’s really hard when you feel like you are going to die if you don’t escape the situation- and then the only rational thing to do is to escape (fight or flight- and I’ve done my share of the flight!) and I’ve tried for years to find ways to deal with it but the past 6 months I’ve really made a huge break-through, and for that I’m so damn proud of myself! I’ll write more in debth about it later. Point is, yeah going back to this job and having to perform, is a huge trigger for my anxiety and it’s also a challenge for me to do something I don’t feel like I’m very talented or experienced in doing (I tend to avoid being a «newbie» or a rookie in things, because if progress doesn’t come immediatly then that becomes further proof to me that I am in fact completely useless and dumb as a brick, and that feeling is SO painful when you lack self esteem) but my main focus is going to be dealing with this the best I can, and I’m gonna work HARD on my own mentality and be really supportive, understanding and patient with myself! I try to think about how I talk to my nephew when he tries new things, how I encourage my 3 year old precious darling is how I want to encourage and support myself, because that is what the insecure and overwhelmed little girl I carry inside of me needs to hear! There is a part of me that hasn’t been nurtured the way I needed, and as an adult it is in my power to do this. I know I can!
I can’t go into this expecting to be perfect, I will be clumsy, make stupid mistakes and ask a million dumb questions- And that’s okay! What I can control is being eager to learn, do the best I can, and be a positive, polite, reliable and humble co-worker and employee.
I use an uniform at work, so I felt like how I dressed was not that important- something that’s easy to change out of so then a cardigan is perfect. This one is really special to me, it used to be my dad’s and I wear it whenever I need some extra courage- it’s my ’comfort blanket’. Pants are River Island.
Can we talk about these shoes..? I found them secondhand years ago, they are originally Zara and suede with sparkling studs at the back- so pretty! And the heels are not too high 😅
Aaand still obsessed with this 20 year old bag, hah- but that is kinda always my goal when I buy something- that I want it to last and still fit my taste even after decades passed.. I try to think long-term when I make a purchase, and only get things I really love- that way I don’t get sick of it after just a few wears. One of my pro-tips for shopping is asking myself «Ok, so I like this now- but can I see myself rocking this as a 40/50/60/100 year old?» 😅 It might sound weird if you are easily swept away by trends, but.. I like this way of thinking and I’m sticking to it 🤷♀️
I’m meeting my fav human after work, so I know that no matter the outcome- today will be a good day. Wish you one as well 🌹
If I had to sum up this (and to be honest, most) weekend in one word it would be.. Foodbaby! Man, I’ve said it before: This girl likes to eat!
I’m the type that will eat dinner at home, and then if someone suddenly invites me over for dinner I’m like.. «Ok, lemme just change into some bigger pants!»
That’s what happened yesterday.. I had to send the last picture to my friends, because.. Haha 😂
It’s quite a victory for me though, being able to enjoy food fully and having a more relaxed relationship to both food and my own body. I used to have serious eating-disorders, but I’ve come a long way. The most important part for me has been accepting that I can’t always eat 100% as «I should» and still avoid relapsing. I sometimes eat «too much» or «bad food» (by that I mean food that used to be forbidden or that I had to resort to bulimia in order to enjoy). I can enjoy eating junk food without feeling guilty or dirty, and I can eat whatever I want without that terrible urge that «Now I have messed up, I have to keep stuffing myself until I purge myself by throwing up». I feel like I finally have a healthy relationship with eating, and for me the biggest clue was being able to allow myself anything I want, and not having to be extremely rigid about what I eat. I think in a way my bipolar disorder has helped me a little there, because when I get hospitalized and heavily medicated I can gain a lot of weight really fast- but I just had to learn to accept it, that sometimes my body changes and it’s out of my control- and also, body fat does not scare me anymore- I was 90 kilos at the most and to my surprise that was the first time I was able to stop scrutinizing my own body and instead focus on what I liked about it- and I really loved having some serious curves! (And I’m kinda bummed I’ve lost them again, but baah..) In 2022 I wanna be more physically active, but damn- I will also EAT 😁 Life is too short, to not enjoy good food!
I’m not good with layering, but it’s kinda a necessity at this time of the year.. Don’t shoot me now, but this vest is actually real rabbit fur- I found it on the salesrack at 400 NOK and was like «Damn, that is the softest faux fur I’ve ever touched..» I didn’t discover it was the real deal until I was going to clean it, and I was kinda shocked. Not to mention real fur at that price tag?? So now you know, I’m that asshole that has real fur in her wardrobe- but I swear it was by accident.
Oversized ‘leather’ jackets look so good on everybody else, but I feel like a little kid wearing my father’s jacket 😅 This one is from H&M, couple seasons ago..
I have loved statement earrings since I pierced my earlobes as a kid, my mama had these amazing waterfall-kind of blingy earrings and I would beg her to borrow them on every special occasion.. So naturally, I have gathered a collection of my own over the years (just cheap ones, expensive jewellery is NOT for me 😅). These I found on Ebay, I think they might be from the brand Nolan Miller..?
When it comes to makeup, I’m really into dipping my whole face in bronzer as you might be able to tell.. 😅
Now I’m heading out to be social with my family.. Hope you had a fab weekend 🌹 Tomorrow I start work again, after a long break- I’m really nervous.. But I will do my best, and I hope this will make a positive impact on my life- I just have to take it with a huge chillpill and not stress myself into a new manic episode.. Bah, life as bipolar- always balancing on the edge of the knife.
My energy levels must be at an all-time low, because the amount of sleep I’ve needed lately.. It’s never enough! But I managed to roll outta bed this morning and get dressed..:
I love sweaters with this kind of poofy sleeves, and I’m in general a sucker for items with some kind of detail to them- like the pearls on the sleeves and around the collar on this sweater- it’s from Only a couple of seasons ago..
The belt is vintage/hand-me-down. Pants are H&M (and do NOT fit me well, I think I need to have pants tailored because I can rarely find a pair that fits perfectly..)
And the ‘butch’ part of this outfit: Studded boots from Jeffrey Campbell, bought almost ten years ago and I had to re-sole them but they are still hanging in there 😅 Am I the only one still in love with studs..? I know as a trend they’ve been over for years, but I still have a slight obsession over spikey things.
Talk about studs, gloves are too! These are real lambskin, bought secondhand for like 5 $. This outfit was really bland in term of colors, needed a pop of it. Bag is like mentioned before, one of the first bags I ever bought so like 20 years- that’s WAY longer than any of my romantic relationships, haha 😅 (Is that funny or just sad..)
Smiling in pictures, feeling pretty dead inside. Why is it so hard for me to just be alive..? I need more.. I just don’t know what the hell I’m searching for. I don’t know why it feels like I’m dying, or why it’s so hard to find the motivation to keep trying. When a door slams shut in my face, it’s so hard for me to take. I feel like every little step forward always leads to ten steps back. Courage and persistence, is a skillset I lack. (I am the black sheep among angels) I need so bad some proof that I’m not completely useless, but.. (I have this amazing family, but we should be strangers)
Every damn attempt just shows I’m a hopeless case. I don’t know where to go from here. I want to build a version of me I can actually tolerate.. But the more I fail at it, the more of me there is to HATE. And if only you knew, all these messed up components that makes up my damn dysfunctional self, you’d hate me too. And something tells me that you do (I don’t blame you)
Heaven or hell; it’s all a state of mind for me. There’s more of a satan than a saint in me, so it was easy to figure out where I ought to be. I told myself I’d do my time and pay for my sins, but now I’m stuck here and I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I deserve to set myself free. Pitch black everything, that’s my comfort zone and I’m terrified of the light. I sleep through the days and suffer through the night. And when you ask, I tell you it’s alright.. It’s not alright, but I don’t want you to worry. If you are still capable of loving me, I know it’s hard to do, and I’m so sorry.. I’m so damn sorry. I’m so consumed with self hatred and I could not blame you if you hate me too. And a part of me almost hope that you do..
I’m not asking for mercy.. And when I break down and you still embrace me I feel so unworthy. All the times you’re strong for me and I collapse in your arms.. I feel so unworthy.. You are so much more than I’ll ever be. And it’s so unfair that I’m always the one falling, and you gotta be there to catch me. I wish you’d just let me break. Undeserving love, sometimes it’s more than I can take. I’m so damn hard to love, so much easier to hate.. Sad truth is it’s easier than to change my fate
I love dressy pants that are also comfortable, and this pair from Selected femme definitely tick that box. Wool sweater from H&M, found on sale some years ago.
Don’t come for me and my leopard faux fur 😅 I know this coat is not for everyone, but this is my 6th season rocking this, and it’s starting to look really worn out- but I still love it and hope it will last for many more winters to come.
Bag is ooold, like 20 years no kidding 😅 One of the first bags I bought, and it still looks new?? Shitty pictures, but it’s snakeprint with gold deets. Beanie is from H&M, another sequined gem. I love sparkle, who doesn’t!
