Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

I know I talk a lot about investing in timeless, classy pieces that you can have forever, but sometimes it is fun to be a little crazy right..? And I was DEFINITELY certified crazy when I purchased these: In the midst of a hefty manic episode and should not have access to online shopping.. But that’s what happened and when I was out of it and I realised I’d bought these faux leather overalls I just thought «Ok, might as well rock it».

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

At 34 years old, some may say that youth is behind me but I respectfully disagree! I think I still have time to dress a little ‘out there’, and what’s fun with experimenting with clothes is it makes you more open to experiment with makeup and hair as well- Hello, space buns!

Faux fur from H&M last season, also a manic purchase.. I’ve written a statement that is in my mother’s care for the next time bipolar hijacks my brain, and it says «Do not let me have access to my phone or Visa», it’s pretty common with mania that you spend a LOT of money very recklessly, I haven’t really been doing this- until this latest episode. I felt really bad for it, but can only take it as a lesson. I’m sorry to all the people that got gifted a lot of shitty useless crap from me and my manic brain..

Anyway, today I was supposed to be at work and then meet a friend- but I didn’t get enough sleep and when I got out of bed I experienced a drop in blood pressure (is that the right translation?? Norsk: Blodtrykksfall), it’s been happening to me every now and then after I started on medication for my bipolar illness, and it’s so uncomfortable! It starts ringing in my head, my sight gets blurry, I feel like I go deaf.. iIn the beginning I was convinced that now I’ll die, ‘Cuz that’s what it feels like- the whole body just shuts down and if I don’t lay down immediatly I’ll pass out. I’m so scared it will happen to me when I’m not at my own home!

I felt really faint afterwards, so had to call in sick and cancel with my friend. And then I slept like a rock for hours.. Fuckkkk! My sleep schedule was starting to get on point, now I’m afraid I’ve screwed it up again.. But I just have to keep working on it. Today was a little bump in the road, I’m not gonna let it escalate.

Have a good thursday night- It’s almost the weekend! 🌹

Today was a ‘no effort’ day, you know- can barely bother to brush my hair and teeth- kinda morning. But it’s okay, ‘cuz I went swimming! I’ve mentioned it before but it’s such a huge step for me! I’ve had so much anxiety, and a lot of it has centered around how insecure I’ve been about my physical appearance (I probably had Body Dysmorphic disorder, it was so severe). I think I’ll try to do this once a week for a while, swimming is a really good exercise to start with after such a long inactive period, it’s easy on the joints and there is something about being in water that just feels very.. Zen, is maybe the right word.

Let’s not talk about my sans makeup face, I’m NOT a natural beauty that’s for sure!

I’ve been thinking of doing a no spending month, that means NO shopping for february (obviously food and bills, but nothing else). The only thing is I’ve got my eyes on a pair of really affordable earrings from H&M, I saw them in store months ago but I’ve never gotten to buying them. And I’m a little worried they will sell out 😅 And then I get pissed at myself for it, ‘cuz honestly I can live without them. But have you ever seen something you really liked, but decided to sit out on it, and then years later it will pop up in your head and you’re like ‘Argh’..? Or is that just me..? In other cases I’ll forget all about it, but there are some things that just says «I’m made for you» and I kinda want to limit my possessions and the stuff I get to only those pieces. In my experience that are the ones that sticks with you and get worn the hell outta.

The funny thing is my laptop crashed after 11 years of heavy use, but I don’t think it will be a problem living without a laptop for a while 😅 But a pair of cheap earrings, oh lord.. I’m wired weirdly.

But you know what, I’m sticking to the plan  and I’ll do this- No spend february it is! I will be brutally honest, and if I fail- I’ll admit to it.

Didn’t realise until I started posting outfits how boring my style is most of the time 😅 A lot of neutrals and classics, for some reason I thought the majority of my wardrobe was the ‘crazy’ stuff, but I see now that’s not the case: I am in fact very vanilla!

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

I do love the little details though. Found this studded knitted sweater on sale at H&M some years ago.

My bestfriend gave me this beanie 🥰 «It fits you, you crazy viking» 😂

Shoes are by Mjus, found them on Zalando. You can probably guess it; It was the metal deets that had me sold 😅

Beside running some errands and baking a bread, I haven’t done much today. I struggle a lot with falling asleep at a reasonable time at night, and I think it may have something to do with not being active enough during the day. I should REALLY get into working out more, but it’s difficult to find the motivation. I’ve started just doing 10 minutes, I guess it’s better than nothing.. But I am considering getting a gym-membership and gradually get back to intense work-outs. I used to love it, but my body has forgotten about that 😅

And if I do get a membership at a gym, I’d have to sacrifice some (really bad) habits- like not smoking so much (Yeah, I’m that idiot..) in order to afford it- but that would be a win-win so.. I should just get to it right away, I know.. I also want to challenge myself and get out of the comfort zone, and the gym has always been a place I have to face my anxiety so..

I’ll just give myself a little bit of time since I’ve just returned to work, it’s a big change and I don’t want to rush it- baby steps and all that. I’ll focus on tackling one thing at a time, but my goal is to build brick by brick- and live a life I can be satisfied with calling my own. That’s the plan!

This t-shirt is pretty representative of how I’ve felt about myself today 😐

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

It is from Marc Jacobs, I found it seconhand!

I was at work today, and alright I’m a rookie and everything but BAH I’ve felt so slow, insecure and clumsy- even the simplest of tasks takes me forever and I’ve felt like all I’ve been doing is messing up and being annoying to the pro’s I work with, and that is SO hard when all you want is to handle shit and do a good job 😔

It just spiraled from there, on my way home I started thinking about how little I’ve achieved in life, how much ‘common-knowledge’ I’ve missed out on, how under-developed I feel on pretty much all areas in life. I haven’t gone there in a while, but today I did and man does it do me any good? No. But it’s a slippery slope, this mind of mine. I’m really good at hitting the bottom. Head first, no helmet.

Eventually I just had to do SOMETHING other than being inside my own damn head, so I went on a walk with a friend. It helped. Just walking in the cold air, focusing on a conversation that is not you trash-talking yourself.

I knew this would be a challenge. It would’ve been no matter what kind of job it was, cuz there is really nothing in this world I am particularly good at. But I am doing something that REALLY scares me and that I’ve never had much confidence in- and that does make me brave..? And that is above all what I long to be.. So.. Brush off that feeling that I am a walking disaster and completely hopeless. I am TRYING! I am operating SO far outta my comfort zone. That is where my focus needs to be.

I have a thing for pimping everything! Vintage brooches are perfect for that 🦋

Bag is also seconhand AND also Marc Jacobs  😁 It’s metal checkered with a padlock, you know I have a soft spot for cool details 🤓 Gloves are this season H&M, I love this style and finally got a pair.

If you zoom in on these pics you can see how tattered and worn-out this coat is getting 😅 It has been to war with me.. No joke! Those who knows, know..

I’m finishing off with these wise words. And I have to remind myself what ‘success’ is to me. That just the fact that I’m doing this, embarking into new and unknown territory, exposing myself, damn it: Just the fact that I get up and out the door in the morning, that I’m not planning my own funeral, I am not just merely alive but I’m living.. I mean, it IS me versus myself, and remember where I was mentally just 6 months ago.. I stood still for a while, but  I’ve taken babysteps, I’ve taken huge steps, and I HAVE and AM moving forward!

Phew. This being alive-thing has always been very complicated for me, but I guess that also keeps things interesting. I do wish sometimes that the things ‘everyone else’ seem to handle so effortlessly would be easy for me too, but.. If everything scares you, you get a lot of opportunities to be brave as well I guess. The clue is allowing yourself to feel it ❤️

Wish you a great week 🌹I am gonna work real hard on my mindset! 👊🏼

This one is for my ride or die:

Spit fire, my dragon

Spread your wings and soar

Show those motherfuckers who doubted you

It’s about time they hear you roar

You can do this

Grab life by the balls

I believe in you, mi amor

🎵

You are special, I’ve known it since the day you were born

You are gifted and talented,

And although you feel broken at times, you are NOT torn

You have a purpose in life, don’t waste your potential

Go out in the spotlight, aim for the stars

You don’t need a man, you don’t need sheep’s approval

You got the words in your arsenal, you got bars

🎵

C’mon baby dragon!

Get out of that hole, get out of the dump

Slay your demons, I believe in you!

You got what it takes, you will triumph

You choose your destiny, you decide your own fate

And don’t let anyone tell you bullshit like «It’s too late»

It’s never too late

Leave the hate,

Love yourself-

Why shouldn’t you,

you’re fucking great

🎵

Spit fire, my dragon

Spread your wings and soar

Show those motherfuckers who doubted you

It’s about time they hear you roar

You can do this

Grab life by the balls

Take the hammer, break those brick walls

I believe in you, mi amor

🎵

C’mon baby dragon!

you decide where to go from here, the past is gone

Slay your demons, we believe in you!

There’s a fighter in you, get the gloves on

Stay true to what makes you YOU

Don’t leave the ring just because you got hit

You got the words in your arsenal, and there is flames from your mouth when you spit

Get up!

Keep fighting

The battle ain’t over

You got the words in your arsenal

Believe me, they are thunder and lightning

🎵

Never forget

If the whole world turns on ya

You got me, babe

You got your number one fan, and that’s me

You got your Suja 👊🏼

You and me then, you and me now, you and me forever ❤️

Wooop, it’s the weekend and I’m ready to head to my fav human in the world 🥰

It’s girls’ night in so I’m bringing facemasks, rosé and homemade banana-bread.

Casual and comfy trumps dressing up today 😅 This cardigan was handed down to me from my aunt. T-shirt is Eddie from Iron Maiden, one of the greatest bands out there 🤘🏼

How pretty is this vintage rose ring?

Weather is pretty bad.. But isn’t it always around here this time of the year 😅 Hope you have a great saturday! I gotta gooo!

Had an appointment today, but prioritized a little extra sleep over doing my makeup. A very common phenomenon around here!

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

The bag is the Alexander Wang ‘Brenda’ bag, I wanted one for yeeears (Tried googling when it was released but couldn’t find it, I think somewhere around 2010..?) and initially I was drawn to it because  it was quite rough-looking – my Brenda is NOT- but when I stumbled across this rose gold version on Ebay I was like «OK, that’s the one». I was about to turn 30 (which to be honest was a milestone I did not believe I would reach, because damn.. I’ve had my share of suicidal periods..) and this bag was my gift to myself. I decided in advance (a very good advice if you plan to bid on auctions!) that I would not go any higher than 200 $ and it ended up mine. One thing that is really cool about this bag is that the rose gold is supposed to start cracking by wear and tear, and then the leather underneath will appear, changing how the bag looks. So it is a very pretty bag now, but by time it will become more rough-looking. I think this is such a cool and creative concept, and I’m excited to see what it will look like years down the road.

This ring is from Disney Couture, I love this quote. It’s a locket ring, but I haven’t put anything inside it yet- I’m thinking maybe a photo of my dad? Or my nephews? Or just a handwritten note that says «You can». Or I can keep a valium in there, for emergency needs 😅 (I’m joking.. But it IS a possibility 😂)

My mum and I wandered around in a mall after my appointment, and on a whim we ended up at the liquor store. I’m NOT a big drinker and to be honest I prefer not drinking even at parties but.. It’s okay to have some in back-up I guess because I do end up always being the one free-loading on everyone else if I DO drink 😅 I am pretty clueless when it comes to alcohol, so I was drawn to the prettiest packaging as you can see, lol. The Disaronno I am familiar with though, it’s really good! I just do shots. It’s most effective 😜

We also went by the Norwegian high-end store ‘Høyer’, it was my first time there! I’ve always felt too poor for that kind of stores and imagined that the staff would just instinctively know that and kick me out 😅 But today I had the balls, and well.. I was not impressed to be honest. Nothing stood out to me as particularly interesting or screamed high quality or very unique. There was some Marc Jacobs and Tory Burch in terms of big international brands, but not in high quality materials that to me would somewhat justify the pricetag. I guess I am grateful for feeling this way though, because I AM in fact too poor to shop there 😂

Wish you a good weekend 🌹 I have some plans, but I do like to just be spontaneous and kind of just go wherever the wind takes me soooo… I really feel like going to the library, I haven’t read a book in a while and I need to dive into someone else’s world for a while. I don’t want to get too caught up in my own head, it does tend to happen to me still- especially at night-time.

I want to take care of my mental health now more than ever, I don’t want to miss out on work and I really want to stretch out this period of progress and positivity for as long as I can- because the longer it lasts the more confident I can say that «This was MY hard work- it was not part of a manic episode». I need this so bad.. To feel like I am in charge and making rational decisions that leads me forward, that I am in fact brave and not just ‘high’ from the mania. But you know, there’s parts of life we can’t control and I just have to be okay with that. It is NOT a defeat to be sick! And it does not mean the end of the world if it happens.. That has to be the ultimate goal, that if bad luck strikes and I end up hospitalized for some months.. Okay, that was a knock-out, but pick up my teeth and get back on my feet!

Finishing off with the photo I think I’ll put in my locket ring.. My beautiful, beautiful boys ❤️#proudauntie The oldest ALWAYS replies to me when I tell him I can’t do something: «You CAN do it, Suja!». Makes my heart burst.. 😭 If this amazing lil’ guy has faith in me, I want to live up to it!! Believing IS just the beginning!

These demons, they all live rent free in my mind
Manifesting as mania, turns me into the worst of ‘em
Peace and purpose, I can’t find
Serenity, what a fucking gem!
3,2,1-
I’m counting down until I lose my shit again
Manic mess, psycopath, who and what will I become?
When these demons take over my brain
(Insane, insane, insane)
When these demons take over my brain
(Not again, not again, not again!)

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

I don’t wanna be her
But she has a mind of her own, and it can’t be mine
It can’t be mine?!
Yet she rules superior, and she decides the place and the time
And I want to murder her so bad
But if she dies, so do I
(Now you know, don’t blame me if I try)

I wanna light the madness on fire, until it burns to ashes
Destroy it all, until all of me crashes
I can’t be under her spell…
I wanna light her on fire and send her to hell
And if I have to join her, well…

Sometimes I think the worst thing to be
Is alive
I’m sorry mama, but I said what I said
It’s like all the monsters escaped from under the bed
And now they live rent free inside my head
My fucking head!
I can’t escape this feeling of dread
The road ahead is filled with mines
I can’t see clearly because I’m always scouting for warning signs
All I want is to stay inside these lines
I don’t want to cross the border
I just want my thoughts to stay in order..
Cursed, this terrorist living rent free in my head..
Keep those damn thoughts in order!
Cursed, this damn bloody head
This fucking supranuclear bipolar disorder

Okay, so these jeans are designer- John Galliano, and one of his signature-creations is the ‘newspaper’ print. My family helps running a second-hand store and I was there as a helping hand: I was SO intrigued when I stumbled across this pair: in a second-hand store in a tiny town in north of Norway- you really never know when or where you’ll strike gold when looking through second-hand, and that’s what makes it so fun!

First: I NEVER thought I’d fit any designer jeans- I have junk in all trunks 😂 But they fit perfectly! Second: The price was 30 NOK.. That’s INSANE, and I had to say it: These pants are worth A LOT more, and I am willing to pay a lot more.. But when I had argued the price up to 100 NOK the saleswoman (who also happens to be my favorite aunt ❤️) wouldn’t accept any higher bids so.. 🤷‍♀️

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

The top is handed down to me from a relative with a really good sense of style. Growing up in the 90’ies/early 2000’s my mom’s cousin would drop by huge bags of old clothes from her two daughters, and it would usually be a lot of neutral colors and very timeless, preppy, classic pieces- that I still have and use today. (That was SO nice of them, by the way- we didn’t have much money growing up, my mum being a single-mum of four kids..❤️)

This style of bracelet is called a ‘slave-bracelet’ and it’s typically a cuff around your wrist linked to rings on your fingers. This I found vintage, I think it could possibly be an antique even (but I’m no expert!) and I got it really cheap.

These gloves I found secondhand on Ebay, from Kenzo’s collab with H&M. Bag is from Kapp Ahl.

This hat used to belong to my sister, but I would always borrow it when I started struggling with anxiety in my teens- I felt like I could hide in this and avoid eye contact- I kinda depended on it to go outside at my worst of times- so my sister, the angel she is let me have it. I’ll never let go of this! It was such a big help for me at my lowest points, it gave me some freedom when I felt trapped inside my own head, limited by fear. And maybe that sounds dumb, but honestly- Crippling anxiety can feel like living behind bars. It can stop you from going out the door. I lived in that prison for years. Would not wish that shit on anyone..

I know that anxiety is a VERY hard enemy to get rid off, and I know it can return, hit me in the face full force again, but damn I work very hard each day to feel a sense of freedom, to feel brave, to take back the life this thief of joy took from me, and I will admit that I was a slave to it at times and I let it take too much control over me- but I am fighting very hard to take back the power to live my life by my own design. «A king in my own mind», as In Flames put it in the song ‘The quiet place’.

Wish you a good day 🌹 I had a therapy session today, and other than that: No plans! I don’t really know what to do either, I think I’ll have a creative session and finish some songs/poems I’ve been playing with for a while now.

Oh and I need to listen to In Flames 😁

Woop, I finished my work-week (starting very gently with two days a week) and I’m so happy I got to return to this inclusive, supportive work-place with a really great team! I’m terribly nervous and insecure, but I’ve felt really welcomed and been handled with a lot of patience, and I’m so grateful.. ❤️

Ok so don’t come for me, but I decided to reward myself for being really brave and I got this coat I’ve drooled over for a while now.. It dropped from 699 NOK to 399- at H&M.com and sold out SO fast- but I kept checking and finally it was back in my size- SO I clicked ‘buy’. Do I have enough coats? Yeah. Do I live in a cold climate where you get good use of these coats? Also yes.. Am I good at justifying shit..? Heck yeah! 😅

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

One thing tho’: There are no pockets! I decided I was ok with that, but it is REALLY annoying, I keep searching for pockets on autopilot, like why the fuck not include that in the designing process?? It’s 2022, women NEED pockets!

This beanie is SO cool, and made with love ❤️ My mama is SO attentive whenever I say I want something but can’t find it in stores, I told her years ago that I wanted a really shock pink beanie, and she just knitted one for me in 1-2-3. I didn’t ask her, she just did it- that is SO sweet!! So naturally this one is a wardrobe-favorite 🥰 I love how it’s reminiscent of a rastafarian hat in terms of the shape.

Up close of this bag that I’ve had for -20- years and is still going strong.. It’s this shiny snake-printed material with gold deets and it looks really exclusive in my humble opinion- but it is actually a REALLY cheap bag from one of the Scandinavian budget-friendly stores (Lindex, I have found a lot of good bags from them!).

I know there is an important discussion going on regarding fast fashion and the cheap chain-stores has been getting a lot of heat (and rightfully so) but I do have to say it: Low prices does not always equal low quality, and the biggest responsibility (and with that the power to make changes!) in my opinion sits with us as consumers. We owe it to the planet to keep our things for as long as possible.

Do I feel bad at times for my love of style? Yes. Do I own more clothes than I need? YES. But do my stuff get used and loved? Absolutely. If something needs to be repaired, I take care of it- I do not throw it away and replace it with something new. But can I do better, as a responsible consumer..? Of course. That is one of the reasons I wanted to experiment with this ‘personal style’- category on my blog, to really reflect over my own shopping habits, have full control over what I already own, keep track over how I buy, that it is a mix of just not new but also vintage/secondhand/hand-me-downs-items.. To be more aware and explore what style really means to me, if I can justify having this as a hobby, etc.. Just my own little project.

It is NOT to flaunt or flex, I want to be completely transparent on the fact that I’ve never had a big budget, that I had to save up for some things, buy them used, and that my main thing is that I am just very sure of what I like and that is the main catalyst for my style. I like styling because it is FUN, and it is fun because there are no rules- at least not in my head 😁 I want to promote individuality, I think a fashion industry that is not so ruled by this concept of always coming up with and copying new trends every hot minute but rather focused (and that goes from all parts of the chain- low to high end) on making pieces you can love a life-time and then it gets passed on- well, that would be quite the dream. That is my ideal, at least.

Anyway, speaking of long-lasting quality pieces that was DIRT cheap: This ring from China, I paid not even a full dollar for it.. I’ve had it for over ten years, and the quality and craftmabship is SO good- I was blown away. I personally think this is so prettier than the clunky leopard-ring from Cartier (sorry! No offense) and obviously this is not real gold or gemstones, but expensive jewellery has never really been my thing (and obviously I’ve never had the budget for it either). I have a collection of these animal-rings, and all of them are even after a decade still immaculate.

Now I’m gonna force my lazy ass to do a 10-minute work-out.. I HAVE to do something in order to get in better shape, but it is SO hard and I’ve just decided to start super slow and a little IS better than nothing at all, right? 😅