Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

It’s just another day

I can’t get up, get on with this life

I never asked for, I didn’t know

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What I signed up for

Hellride

I need a guide

Someone point a gun to my head

I have to decide

Join the living or the dead

Halflife..

🌑

And who cares If I live or die

Not me

Not me

And who cares why

My brain implodes under the pressure

Of merely being alive

Does it matter, if I try

I want to feel it all, work through the pain

But there’s tears too bitter to cry

Chasing a life I can’t attain

Do you understand

I don’t think I can live through the madness again

🌑

And who cares if I don’t feel a thing

Not me

Not me

This shit is outta my hands

I’m like a plane with no pilot- nosedive, deathspin, then crashlands

And you never laid a hand on me

Still, you hurt me more than you can see

🌑

This way of thinking will lead to nowhere

And I’ve thought it all before

These words, on repeat in my head

Rings so true, I have to believe

That I am better off dead

🌑

Who cares how it ends

I’ve spent so many years

Inside this head, this bad hood

I can’t get my act straight

Always misunderstood

I know I will lose my mind again

Do you understand

I can’t do a thing, my hands are tied

I couldn’t even kill myself..

Believe me, I tried

🌑

Every choice I make

Is another mistake

And every time I try to turn things around

I lose my damn mind

I can’t find..

I can’t find the road that leads me to somewhere

Somewhere I don’t want to leave myself behind

🌑

And who cares if I live or die

Not me

Not me

I can’t lie

I think I want to die the most

Every battle I’ve fought, I’ve lost

Should I live on, when I can’t pay the cost

The price to be alive is so high,

The crazy shit I’ve done- Always the bad guy

This pain makes me numb

All these mistakes, didn’t learn a thing

Still dumb.. Scum of the scum..

This hell, I know it all too well

Stuck inside my head

Alive or dead..

I don’t know anymore

I’m limping on, but I won’t get far

This bipolar life feels like war

🌑

And who cares if it ends or begin

Not me

Nah, not me

Who cares if I lose or win

I can’t care for myself right now

And if I feel anything at all

I can’t seem to let it show

But I want you to know

I used to feel so hardcore that my heart went sore

Maybe I just couldn’t handle it anymore

But I miss how my heart would swell, with pain, with pleasure

And I miss having a brain I knew so well, a brain that could handle the pressure

Maybe I’m delusional

When I think back, I can’t remember handling anything at all

And there never was a backbone to handle the fall

And when you lose yourself, there is no one to call

🌑

Who cares if I hate myself to pieces

And who cares if this bipolar cycle never ceases

I used to think there was a blip of hope on the radar

I used to look up at the sky, begging the universe to give me a leading star

But the darkness grows inside my skull

And I know I eventually have to subdue to the raving, raging manic bull

🌑

This crazy, terrifying demon that lurks at the back of my mind

The key to staying sane, I just can’t find..

I don’t want to see more of this psycho bitch..

I’d rather go blind

I don’t know who I am anymore or how to feel about myself and all the psycho shit I do

The worst thing is, I know that goes for everyone around me too

And I don’t want to be in this state

But truthfully, I was always a very easy person to hate

And who cares..

Who cares if it was always too late

To wipe the slate

You can’t always choose your fate

You are not here.

Haven’t been for nearly 20 years.

You sleep forever, six feet under frozen ground.

Somehow I still need to adjust when I come here. It still stings and make my heart sore. I’ve always felt everything so hardcore. This place, it used to feel like home. Now it’s just like every other place, it’s just another place I don’t belong.

It’s such a lonely, lonely life.

Is it lonely in death too?

Forgive me, sometimes I wish I was there with you.

It’s so hard, being human.

Or maybe it’s just me, always making every little thing so damn complicated.

I don’t know why, but nothing did ever come easy for me. Life always seemed so bloody serious. To me and you, it was. To me, it still is. You are safe in death now, I try to think of it like that. It’s just so hard to live without the only real thing I ever had. Everything and everyone seems to drift further away from me.

Dealing with feelings that grow so intense it feels like I’m bleeding under paper-thin skin. I just have to go to sleep sometimes so I can catch a break. When it hurts more than I am able to take. I close my eyes and pretend I’m dead. Forgive me, but it seems to me that is the only way to escape from my head.

It’s a lonely, lonely life. What I’d give to understand the way I’m wired. Or comprehend why I sometimes completely have to break down. I make myself so very tired. You taught me how to swim, daddy, yet all I do is drown.

It gets so damn dark in my head at times. There are times when I can’t even see a ray of light. It seems everyone else has figured it out, somehow: Something or someone that makes it worth it, being alive.

It’s a lonely, lonely life. My wounded heart never fully seems to recover. I write these words you’ll never hear. But to you, at least the pain is over.

34 years on this planet

34 years among the human race

34 years of trial and error and fatal mistakes

And I still haven’t found my place

Always on the outside looking in

It’s such a tricky game to me, the art of fitting in

Who knows, who I could have been

If I only knew the moves to make

Or if I was capable of being fake

My true self is more than people can take

If I find something that looks like love, it quickly turns into hate

Spent so many years, trying to be the good girl

Tried to hide that I’m full of thorns

Then life flipped up side down

And my halo turned into horns

Now everyone knows

Can’t hide it, I got a tail and it shows

34 years on this planet

34 years among the human race

34 years of trial and error and fatal mistakes

And still I haven’t found my place

Sometimes I gather up the courage

Tell myself I got the balls

To raise my voice and say my thoughts outloud

Then I’m met with this deafening silence

So instead I’m talking to the walls

I hate being asked to tag along

They drop these subtle clues that I don’t belong

My confidence crumbles into the dust

I can tell even when you say nothing:

I’m the one you can not trust

It hurts, but I tell myself it’s just the way it is

I should be used to it, ‘cuz honestly it’s always been like this

Even as a kid, I was always the difficult one

I don’t think anyone’s suprised to see this broken mess I have become

I’m a failure, to the very bone

34 years on this planet

34 years among the human race

34 years of trial and error and fatal mistakes

And still I haven’t found my place

A song for Bekky, forever my fav human ❤️

Sometimes I feel out of air

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Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Other times I wish I could just disappear

I can’t seem to outrun fear

When I need it the most, I’m all outta gear

Hell is real, I know ‘cuz I’ve lived there

Breathe in, breathe out

There’s times I really doubt

That I’ll ever break out

This body is a prison at times

I gotta hang in there

Gotta have faith that eventually I’ll get my payout

I know this girl, she’s so beautiful

And her mind is a wonderland

She got demons like me, I tell her she’ll slay ‘em

She says maybe she will, but only if I can

Says she sees beauty in me too

If we can mirror each other, maybe we can believe in ourselves and our dreams can be made true

We all need it, don’t we: Someone that really sees you for you

Breathe in, breathe out

I know there’s times you doubt

That you’ll ever break out

And your body feels like a prison at times

You gotta hang in there

Gotta have faith that eventually you’ll get your payout

Breathe in, breathe out

(You can do this, you can find the way out)

Never forget, I’m by your side

(We can do this, we can find the way out)

Breathe in.. Breathe out

I told you that I fucked up again.

You said «That’s what you always do».

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

I hate you, I hate myself more, because it’s so damn true, and sometimes all we need in life is a big, juicy lie.

I’ve lied about a lot of things. Lied so well that I believed it too. I didn’t realise just how dangerous of an act that can be. 

I know now. We always figure it out when it’s too late, don’t we. Maybe it’s just me.

Sorry that you got caught up in my twisted plot, in the web I had to spin in order not to.. I guess die?

Like that would be a tragedy, I know. All the years down the drain, I know. All my futile and half-assed attempts to save the bloody stumps of what could have been a life, I KNOW. All the days I keep wasting, even though I know life is short and this is the only one and I’m lucky to be here.. I know..

Where did it start, the reign of fear over my body and mind, and why does it even matter? Maybe I believe that if I could figure this out, then the hate could switch over to understanding and GOD have I longed to be understood.

I’m a slave inside this flesh and bone construction, a damn slave and how dare I say that when I am also the master. Ruling with an iron fist over all the dysfunctional parts that together makes up this miserable person that I deemed worthless. At what age? 25,18, 5, at birth.? Did I come to this conclusion in my mother’s womb? Did I spend 9 months in there shaking in terror, knowing just by instinct that I was not fit to enter this world, that I was a mistake, that I should not have been at all?

I’m sorry that I am.

Sorry that this is all I got.

That this is all I have to give.

That this, THIS, is me trying my best.

This is me giving my all.

And still, I don’t get it

I still don’t understand

Why it is so hard for me

To be a human

Used to tell myself

«One day I’ll tear up my roots and leave my old life behind»

Find a place where I can bloom into someone else

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Well, I stayed right put and met my doom

Locked up and tied up in that little room

I didn’t know just how angry I could get

I guess in that moment I found some self respect

All the pills, all those needles through my skin
All those faces looking down on me, telling me

»This is a war you’re not gonna win»

Suicide seems merciful, when living feels like a sin

But they cut my rope

And all the lights had to burn out, before I could claw my way back to this beautiful thing

This thing I can call hope

Nobody’s listening, I’m just talking to myself

Truth is I like myself more when there’s no one else around

I don’t think anyone can fully understand

The parts of me that was dead and buried

How deep I had to dig before I was found

Now there’s only me to tell myself:

»You will, and you can»

And maybe it’s alright

I missed out on all my flights

Maybe it’s okay

After all, I found myself right where I stayed

The buried parts of me did not decay

And now I’m kinda proud

That I never ran away

Nobody’s listening, I’m just talking to myself

Truth is I like myself more when there’s no one else around

I don’t think anyone can fully understand

The parts of me that was dead and buried

How deep I had to dig before I was found

Don’t think anyone can understand..

Now there’s only me to tell myself:

»You will, and you can»

Night creeper

Day sleeper

What’s the point, I’m just sinking deeper

I can’t stand standing still

But even worse, is when madness takes the reigns

Makes me do things against my will

Oh my head, my damn head

This voice, and it’s MY voice

That tells me I’m better off dead

Batshit psycho

Craziest bitch that I know

I can’t stand the demon I become

When I snap out of it

I haven’t just lost my sanity, my dignity is also gone

Oh my head, my fucking head

These dark rooms I lock myself in, no keys

When it gets pitchblack and I’m on my knees

Stuck in my head, I get stuck in my head

That’s when I wish I was already dead

I can’t explain

I can’t defend

Can’t mask it up, can’t play pretend

I know you get tired of me

I see it in your eyes, when you can’t look at me

I just don’t know how to make it end

It’s like a fire that just has to burn out

Then I’m left with the ashes

It makes it so hard for me to map out the route

When my brain is put under pressure, it crashes

And I hate myself for it, more than you know

But I know I got more of ‘em coming..

My personal tragedy, up to my neck in misery:

Here’s another horror show

Oh my head, my bloody head

To you I guess I’m already dead

I am so fucking sorry I can’t control my brain

That I go insane again and again

I know I’m just a constant strain

I know there’s not a lot of love that can remain

And you probably hate me

But I’d rather have you hating me than feeling you should save me

I’m trying the best I can to do something right

But every day of every week of every month of every damn year

My entire life, just a constant fight

My head, my hopeless head

If I could just donate my life

to someone more worthy of it instead

I feel so ashamed, knowing I’m both blessed and privileged

Everyone else seems to know the road to success

I wish I could do just one thing right, but I always just end up making a bigger mess

I’m sorry for taking up space

I’m sorry for the mistakes I can never erase

I’m sorry that I never reach

the dreams that I chase

And I’m sorry I was born your sister

Sorry that I was born your daughter

Sorry for breaking your heart, mister

Sorry to everyone that was affected

by the rings I made in the water

Oh, my head, my useless head

If I could just donate my life

to someone more worthy instead

This road will lead me straight to hell

Ya’ll know I know that place too well

Gotta find the formula to break this spell

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Too bad I’m too dumb

Consider it understood:

I’m not even under your thumb

I’m being crushed under your foot

I’m wondering what it’s all for

All I know

Is I gotta get out that door

That shit you’re smoking doesn’t make me high

And those stripes you’re snorting doesn’t make me feel more alive

And the pills you’re popping ain’t enough to make me die

It’s funny how two hours can feel like a year

It’s strange how there seems to be no limits to my fear

Sometimes I just gotta put myself to sleep

There’s too many days of the week

Still the years went by real fast, and I’m getting old

Wish I could just bury you in the past, and unhear every little lie you’ve ever told

What was it all for?

That shit you’re smoking doesn’t make me high

And those stripes you’re snorting doesn’t make me feel more alive

And the pills you’re popping ain’t enough to make me die

And after we fuck I’m left wondering why

We both know I’m not gonna make you a groom and you ain’t gonna make me a bride

What’s it all for..?

This ain’t a lovestory for the books

We’re just fish on hooks

This feels more like a double suicide

Jeg har gått som en slask stort sett hele uka. Det må til i blant, noen ganger (veldig ofte for min del) så gidder man bare ikke. All ære til dere som alltid ser stylish ut, men det er bare ikke meg 😅

Mentalt har jeg måtte jobbet meg ut av en liten krise. Kampen mot angsten har spisset seg til i det siste, jeg har kjent på trangen til å unnvike situasjonen som gir meg mest angst, og det er dessverre jobb. Jeg ville så gjerne takle dette, prestere og kjenne på mestring, gjøre ære på de flotte menneskene som har gitt meg denne sjansen til å komme meg tilbake til arbeidslivet igjen.. Men til min fortvilelse, så har angst og devaluerende tanker om meg selv fått alt for mye spillerom, og etterhvert ble det så vanskelig at jeg ikke trodde jeg skulle klare å stå i det mer. Og faen, som jeg har hatet meg selv for det.

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Men heldigvis har jeg blitt møtt med forståelse, og lista har måtte legges enda lavere- noe som har vært vanskelig for meg å akseptere, men jeg må nesten bare svelge stoltheten min her. Det er bedre enn å slutte i frykt i hvert fall.

Jeg må fortsatt jobbe med hodet mitt, å møte seg selv med forståelse er utrolig vanskelig for min del, men hvis jeg vil noe som helst med livet mitt så må jeg knekke den koden, og jeg må endre måten jeg snakker til meg selv på- spesielt i situasjoner der jeg ikke klarer å levere optimalt. Jeg har så lyst til å bli god til å være dårlig i ting, hvor rart det enn måtte høres ut!

Uansett, jeg var i en bursdagsfeiring sist helg og det var siste gang jeg kledde meg opp på en stund. Fikk endel kommentarer på at kjolen var for kort, haha.. Jeg er altså for gammel for korte kjoler nå, men sorry.. Det bryr jeg meg ikke om 🤷‍♀️

Don’t come for me and my natural boobs 😂 Føler meg sykt modig som turte å gå bra-less med de uperfekte puppene mine. De har faktisk aldri vært spesielt fine, jeg ble SÅ skuffa når jeg endelig kom i puberteten og så var det dette jeg fikk.. Men ja ja, sånn ble det. Tror endelig jeg i en alder av 34 har begynt å akseptere det 😅

Kjolen er et second-hand funn, skoene også.. De er fra Gucci faktisk, noe av det dummeste jeg har brukt penger på for altså.. De fleste høye hæler er ukomfortable som faen, og disse er intet unntak.. Å betale mye penger for noe som ikke er komfortabelt å gå i en gang, det skal jeg IKKE gjøre igjen 😅

Skulle egentlig pynte meg og være sosial i kveld, men søstera mi har sykt barn, så nå venter jeg på Lulu (firbeinte tanteungen) i stedet. Blir koselig det også.

Ønsker deg en fin helg 🌹

All the things I’ve done

With this dream that I’d become

The one you call your home

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

(Yeah, I’m such a fool)

You don’t know and I can’t reach you

I guess this was a lesson to teach me

Not to cling to a childish fantasy

This knight in shining armour

I got his sword in my back now

It was never really love, I see that now

it was more like something I just had to believe

cuz I lost my faith in everything else

Most of all myself

Still..

It’s the way he walks (always away from me)

The way his words soothe me when he talks

Yet he always talks in clues

I can’t play the game when I don’t know the rules

So now I accept that I had to lose

And swallow this bitter pill of truth

I’ll never be the one you’d choose

Why did you have to be there

Dark angel, how did you find your way to my personal hell

How could you tell me that we’re strangers

When I recognize your face so well

All those damn lonely nights, you were right there but I could never have you

And after all these years

I still can’t find it in me to betray you

(I don’t know why it feels like I’m in debt to you)

A loyal fool is still just a fool

I’m burning hot, you keep your cool

I’d do everything to get over it

I think I might have

Then I sit down and spill my heart in these lines

And somehow they end up being about you

(Fuck!)

Yeah, I say that I’m over it

But these are my own words, and they tell the world

That it isn’t even close to being true

DAMN YOU.