Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

Why does it feel like it’s never ending

The pain is still throbbing somewhere under my skin

I wish I could go numb and cold

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I wish I could go back in time

Erase the day I met you

Maybe you don’t understand, but you raped my fucking mind

My brain no longer feels like it’s mine

I’d tell you whatever it is you want to hear

I just don’t understand what you want

I’ve given up everything

And still you don’t care

All these years I spent in vain,spinning a fairytale of lies

When it comes down to it, I still can’t tell what is hiding behind your eyes

And my own brain seems to go insane

Each time I get too close to the truth

It really hurts, how these violent turns

Stole so many years of my youth

I don’t like myself anymore

But the sad truth is

I wasn’t that much better before

Just better at lying I guess

Well I can’t lie no more

I’ve never felt more sure

I see myself for exactly what I am

I can’t lie no more

Problem is, you can

Shit, you’re still so pretty

That just ain’t me

And that will never be me

You’ve seen me at my worst, you know just how ugly I can get

And I’ve seen it too, so there goes my self respect

I tried so hard to change, but it lead me nowhere

All the demons in my head, they’re still there

I’ll never know what’s hiding behind your eyes

All I know, is I have to end this fairytale of lies

You spin me right outta control

After all this time, I still haven’t figured it out

In this wicked game you play

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What the fuck is your role

You act like my saviour

But you broke my heart, and then you crushed my soul

Desire, desire

Sleeping on cloud nine

Wake up on barbed wire

Your drugs ain’t doing it for me

You let me out at last, but I’m still not free

I can’t believe how I brainwashed myself into thinking that you and I was ment to be

How I told myself we were destiny

More like you’re the death of me..

Desire, desire

I used to be this untouchable icequeen

Now every inch of me is on fucking fire

All in all, I was just a blip on your radar

You’re the meteor that wiped out my world

My touch didn’t leave a single mark on you

Your hands left such a scar

And I can’t seem to erase you from my mind

The answers you hide from me

are impossible to find

Desire, desire

Sleeping on cloud nine with him

Waking up alone on barbed wire

How did you get this deep under my skin

I don’t recall ever inviting you in

Should blow my brain out

Paint the wall red

Sometimes I think that’s the only trick

To get you outta my head

My head..

Desire, desire..

Got my heart tangled up in barbed wire

I don’t know which fate is worse

Between feeling nothing at all

Or like every heartbeat hurts

Skulle egentlig kjøre en beinhard linje med kun engelsk her inne, men skrivelysten min blomstrer best når jeg kan veksle mellom det og morsmålet mitt alt etter hva jeg føler for.. Så, back to norsk it is 😉 For i dag, i hvert fall!

Dagens outfit.. Fant denne disco-kula av et klesplagg på Zalando for noen år siden. (Ser også at det er på tide med en rydde-økt i heimen, heeeh..)

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Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Har vært en rimelig bra uke på treningsfronten: Jeg har svømt, hatt en styrkeøkt, løpt en tur med tanteungen i vogna (eneste som kunne gjort løping gøy for meg!) og på fredag var jeg på yoga med favoritt-jenta mi. Det var faktisk veldig gøy, det hadde jeg ikke trodd! Men argh, gangsperr.. Kroppen min er IKKE vandt til dette opplegget, men man må jo bare gjennom det i startfasen. Det er jo deilig også, å kjenne at alt av muskler omsider har blitt tvunget ut av dvale 😅

Kostholdet mitt derimot.. Tommel ned! Jeg har spist junk stort sett hver dag, har lyst til å snacke hele tiden. I dag gikk det helt skeis, jeg har spist middag på McDonalds med søs og guttene hennes, og så hjem for å spise to poser med popcorn og noen skiver hjemmelaget bananbrød bare for å virkelig tøye magesekken.. I tillegg er jeg hardcore på bruskjøret, og nå må jeg vel bare innse at jeg kan faktisk ikke ha disse greiene i hus. Jeg har NULL selvkontroll, og det er litt kjipt, for jeg føler av og til at det er spøkelset til spiseforstyrrelsene som kødder litt med meg fortsatt..

Men ja ja, nå ble det sånn og det er bare å prøve og være litt sunnere fremover. Jeg VIL jo kunne kose meg med usunn mat innimellom også, men må jobbe med å begrense det. Kanskje jeg skal prøve å kun spise kosemat i felleskap med andre i en periode, for det er når jeg har tilgang til hele gildet alene at det som regel kommer ut av kontroll. Når det begynner å minne meg om spisekickene jeg pleide å ha, så får jeg en litt ekkel følelse av det hele.

Nok om det, spist er spist som det heter. I dag har jeg vært på biblioteket og fylt sekken med bøker, i det siste har jeg brukt alt for mye tid til å bare ramle ned i et svart hull på internett, og det sluker så mye tid som bare blir brukt på tull. 5 minutter på det jævla internett er liksom 5 timer i det virkelige liv, rart det der.

Jeg låner Lulu, firbeinte tanteungen i noen dager og det er skikkelig koselig. Blir automatisk litt lettere med rutiner og struktur, når man har en liten tass som skal ut og luftes 3-4 turer til dagen. Og så er hun en skikkelig kosebamse 🥰

Nå skal vi ut og gå kveldstur. Håper du har hatt en fin helg 🌹

You said «No one will ever love you again.

You can’t trust anyone, least of all your brain»

I ripped my heart out of its cage

And threw it right into your spiteful face

I’d rather love a ghost

Than a monster who was once a man

You did not have much faith in me

And I reckon you thought I’d just die

I’m still alive

You didn’t believe that I could do this alone

Well, you were wrong..

I can.

🎵

And I will die one day, that’s for sure

But not because of you

There IS a cure

I’m erasing every memory

Just like I sacrificed my sanity..

Of all the people in the world you’d know

🎵

You are dead to me

Dead to me..

If I repeat it, will you stay in my mental cemetery

I will die one day

But you will not!

Be the death of me

🎵

You shine in the spotlight

Maybe that’s why I prefer the darkness

And I’ll rather live fucking cold and heartless

Than love a monster

Who was once a man

🎵

Here I go, no heart, no mercy

Your pretty face can’t seem to face me

I choke every time you embrace me

You want me dead

All I want is to keep you out of my head

Your words have power!

Your actions too, you messed me up beyond measure

Your chokehold on me, now it’s over

I’ve fought so hard for closure

Let me, let me go

Keep the filthy truth to yourself,

I no longer want to know

🎵

You better hope the table doesn’t turn

If your world ever catches on fire

Oh, I’ll make damn sure that you burn

And I’d rather love a ghost

Than the one that hurt me the most

A monster who was once a man..

You said I couldn’t do this alone

Well, I can

My life is a real mess, and I am a real mess- but I’m not gonna go in depth on that right now.. (Reckon everyone got that figured out by now anyway 🙄)

I’m just gonna show you today’s outfit! I found these leggings on sale at Zalando, they are by Versace’s cheaper off-shoot line Versace Jeans Couture. Electric blue is apparently on trend right now- it’s such a vibrant pretty color!  Cropped pink hoodie is from H&M years ago.

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Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Polarbear necklace found at the Wish-app, I’ve actually found quite a lot of cheap gems from there- especially when it comes to jewellery!

This faux fur jacket I got on sale from H&M (it was flipping 150 NOK, steal!), bag is second-hand Alexander Wang, and the cute keychain on it is another polarbear.

Can someone please point a gun at my head and command me to get my shit together..? I need help. Or maybe I need to be kicked in the ass and forced out of my tiiiny comfort-zone.. Am I the only one terrified of this being alive-thing or are there more of us? Life is so draining when every little step of it scares the sh*t outta me.. I don’t know what to do 😔 Lately I’ve just lost all hope. I’ve lost direction. I’ve lost the motivation that I need in order to be brave.

I want to be brave. It just comes at such a high cost for me, and I wish so bad that I was different.. Stronger. More determined. Lately I’ve been letting myself down, and it feels awful.

Well, enough whining. Wish you a good day 🌹

Got me crawling in my skin

Wondering why feelings are so hard to show

Thinking ‘bout who’s gonna take my spot now

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Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

I don’t wanna know

Yeah, I’m sure you’ll enjoy

All this time, all I was..

Was your toy

At the bottom of the bottle, here we go

Turned out such a shit-show

Coulda bitten my poisonous tongue off,

guess I should have

Now I’m the toxic one

Who knew you’d turn out the good guy

Guess I’m the fucking worst then

I’m not wondering why I’m sleeping alone

Never tried to play you

Was just protecting my heart

Somehow that made me betray you

Tears down your cheek like I’m even worth it

Fuck, I was never gonna do this again

Back and forth, from enemy to friend

Could never make my mind up

No wonder now you’re fed up

One time is a slip, two times a fuck-up

Drama, don’t want it

Somehow still, I’m bound to blow up

Temper, temper..

Thought I was too cold to care

Now my nuclear bomb is poisoning the atmosphere

Didn’t know I was this dysfunctional

Didn’t mean for this shit to get personal

It was supposed to be fun

Now I’m staring down the barrel of the gun

and there’s a bullet in your chest

Fuck me, fucking you, fucking us both over

I’m sorry…

Ah, I’m just a toy

So play me, please

It’s all I’m good for

It’s all I’m worth

Trust me when I say this

I ain’t worth the hurt

I am at war with myself

There is a battlefield behind these eyes

and I can not win

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Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

What was it all for

All those years I could barely breathe

I promised myself that at some point in life

At some damn point

I would figure it all out

I would figure myself out

And yet here I am

A paradox, a mystery

And still I have this terrible feeling

That I have yet to see the worst of me

There never was a future in this dark, twisted mind

I can only stare into this black void

I figure it’s my grave

And sometimes I have to go to sleep just so I can pretend I’m in it

That I don’t ever have to wake up and be me again

This weak, tormented, shallow piece of shit of a human being

That always says the wrong thing

Always takes the wrong turn

Always ends up self-sabotaging

Hurts anyone who gets close enough

Does it matter that I never mean to?

I’m still leaving you with scars

I had to burn all the bridges

I had to let them go down in flames

I am a damn island now

Stranded here with my worst enemy

My fucking self

I try, but it’s never enough

And I hate myself, because now I’m too afraid

Told myself I could do this

But prove every day that I just can’t

The black void is expanding

I am getting smaller

No wonder no one can see me

I am just a shadow now

Just a shadow..

And the terrifying thing is

How comfortable I am with this

The grave staring at me

I long for it so bad

Just sink my fingers into the dirt

And let the earth consume me

For it to just be over

But I see this little girl sometimes

All she had to carry

All she had to endure

How brave she was

How strong she had to be

And I ask myself

How could I let her turn into me..?

Death will stay faithful

And I guess that’s why

I can give myself

a little more time

Whoaa, today I’ve been inside an actual gym for the first time in.. 4 years, minimum! If there is a place that has made me feel both uncomfortable and anxious, the gym was definitely it.. But today it went okay, and that made me realise that I have really made huge fucking progress and that makes me so happy 😁 ‘Cuz man, I’ve felt so stuck for years and all my efforts just felt like banging my head into this great unbreakable wall.. But finally, the cracks are beginning to show, and I won’t stop now- if it takes the rest of my life, that wall is going down.

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Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Well, could sure need some of those 😅

Today’s outfit.. Full on grandma-style, or so I’ve been told 😅

Teardrop-necklace from Swarowski, found it used on Ebay for like 10 $ years ago.

Felt like going full on dragqueen on my face.. And did fake freckles, because I’m craving spriiiing and sun.. 😎

Now I’m hanging with my boys, and my oldest nephew asked me «Suja, did you paint your eyes blue?» and I said ‘yep’ and he goes «Goofy Suja!» 😂 I get that a lot from him 🤡 Makes my smile go round every time 😁

Listen, you think that as a woman all I want in life is for men to look at me and say I’m beautiful. For them to look at me and say that I’m fuckable. Well, to hell with that. I want men to look at me and think «If I disrespect her, she will light me on fire and then spread her wings and fly far away from the ashes». I am not angel-material. I am wild and free and not afraid to spit fire. Maybe dragons are a product of imagination, a beautiful and terrifying product of fantasy- but I still, somehow- have dragon blood in my veins, instead of angel wings on my back. And I’m not gonna change that, not for anyone, not for anything.

Finished my dragon-warrior.

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Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Aaand felt super-ambitious and tried to draw a dragon on my face, but failed miserably 😅 I WANT A FACE-TATT SO BAD! But I’m not gonna attempt to do it myself, that’s for sure..

Not gonna lie, I’ve been in the same sweats for days. Today however, I woke up and remembered I have new earrings, and that sorta made me feel like.. Well, not dressing up but at least not repeat the outfit that has almost become my second skin by now 😅

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

This t-shirt was purchased during my last manic episode, for some reason I got a hang-up on Disney and I think I had this idea that «I’m friggin’ real life Tinkerbell!». You know, never really growing up, I’ve gotten that thrown in my face a couple of times.. 🙄 Like there is just one correct way to be an adult.. Whatever ✋ People can look and judge from the outside all they want if that gives them pleasure, I know the shit I’ve had to deal with from a very young age, I know the storms I’ve weathered and the battles I’ve fought, in the end that is all that matters. And honestly, if you had a bumpy childhood like me, and had to deal with issues that you might not should’ve: There’s NOTHING wrong with taking the time to «grow up». Taking the time to heal your childhood wounds, taking the time to enjoy not having a massive responsibility, taking the time to figure out who you are and who you want to become and who you certainly do NOT want to be. Fuck what other people have to say about your life, the only one who actually lives it is you.

Beanie & jacket H&M, bag is Alexander Wang, shoes by Koi footwear. Jeans are inherited from my fellow shopaholic aunt 😊❤️

It strikes me now that I’m not that good with color coordinating 😅 I never really put that much thought into the outfit as a whole, I just pick the pieces that I feel like wearing that day and that is the main factor, and then it doesn’t really matter to me how it turns out. Maybe I should start putting a little more brain into it, it’s really cool when people does 😁

And my new bling.. They are SO pretty in real life.

NOT new bling, but still pretty. I found this starburst-ring at Gina Tricot, it’s close to 20 years ago no lie.. Who said cheap stuff can’t endure the test of time? Sure can!

I don’t really have any plans for the rest of the day, should go for a walk but weather is shit.. I can handle the cold, I can handle the rain, but I’m not a fan of both at once.. Can we just transit into spring already..?

Finishing off with this quote I found on Pinterest: