Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

For years, I seemed doomed

My mind was a desert, a wasteland where nothing bloomed

I locked myself up in my room

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and every night I wished upon a star

and begged death to take me, and soon

I’ve made mistakes I can’t erase

I’ve felt I was a hopeless case

and I don’t know if I can set the record straight

But the past will not determine my fate

They said “She’ll end up abusing someone or something”

They said for sure I’d die young

and for years, I could only hear the alarm ring

and I couldn’t explain myself to myself, I would only bite my tongue

Well, I reached 30 and then some

and now that I look back

I see just how far I have come

There’s tragedies and crimes in my past I can’t erase

and everyone thinks I’m still a hopeless case

Suicidal since the tender age of eight

But I learned that death can and will wait

And the past, the past will NOT determine my fate

It will not determine my fate

I guess it’s easy to just label me broken

Sometimes I think so too, and I look at all these wounds

that are still raw and infected and open

But I carried so much weight without breaking

and I stood my ground all the times it was shaking

and I’ve endured so many years with this intense, throbbing aching

and I am finally learning

just to let go

While I hang on

to myself..

It’s not too late

No, it’s not too late

I tore myself free from this miserable state

I balance the thin line between love and hate

And all i know, all I know

Is the past will not determine my fate

The past will not determine my fate

I dag er hele antrekket secondhand. Fra jakken og genseren som jeg fant på Fretex, buksa og veska er brukt fra Ebay, og hatten fikk jeg av bestemor, den har tilhørt en av naboene hennes.

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Genseren var det mamma som fant, og bare «denne må du prøve, den er så deg», og jeg bare.. Nei, men så la hun til at det er insekter på den, og jeg bare.. Ok. Elsker søte eller rare detaljer. Som denne bia 🐝

Og før noen føler for å kommentere at jeg ser ut som en rik pensjonist- den kommentaren har jeg allerede fått, så det er ikke verdt bryet. Haha 😅 På den positive siden kan man altså etter denne kommentaren å dømme, se rik ut selv om man handler brukt, om noen skulle være opptatt av sånt 😉

Jeg har hatt en veldig koselig helg med favorittene mine, god mat og gode samtaler. Mer gira på høstferie med damene mine enn noen gang, så jeg sitter og oppdaterer restplass.no hele tiden.. Håper det går i boks. Synes vi har fortjent det nå, hele gjengen.

Håper alle har hatt en fin helg!

Er så glad for at jeg fikk passe Harley akkurat nå. Det har alltid vært lettere for meg å forstå dyr enn det har vært å forstå mennesker, og jeg tenker ofte at jeg må ha vært født inn i feil art. Men dyr ER jo ofte mindre kompliserte enn mennesker.. Og de er ofte lettere å holde fornøyd også. Og jeg vil jo egentlig bare det. Klare å gjøre noen fornøyd. Så takk for deg, Harley. Takk for at du alltid er glad for se meg, alltid logrer så glad når vi går tur, lar meg klemme på deg og kose med deg. Tror ikke jeg kunne fått en bedre terapeut akkurat nå enn han karen her.

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Jeg tenker av og til at jeg kanskje burde skaffe meg min egen hund. Samtidig er det liksom noe jeg allerede har gjort, 14 år med familiens hund og etter det passet jeg alle hunder jeg kom over når det var behov for det, og gjør det jo for så vidt fortsatt. Jeg tenker også litt sånn at nå er det på tide at jeg jobber med menneskelige relasjoner, for jeg vet jo at jeg får til de fleste dyr, men mennesker er fortsatt i stor grad en skummel og uforståelig gåte jeg enda ikke har knekt. Og jeg vil gjerne knekke den. Jeg vil i hvert fall at det ikke skal være skummelt lenger. For alle mennesker har jo noe som er fint ved seg, og jeg har vel aldri regelrett angret på at jeg har blitt kjent med noen som helst. (Jeg skulle ønske jeg ikke hadde endt opp i enkelte menneskers vold, men det er en annen sak. Og jeg hadde ikke akkurat noe valg heller.)

Ellers.. Det sosiale livet mitt har jo skrumpet kraftig inn, så jeg ser for meg at jeg kommer til å være irriterende aktiv her inne fremover.. Jeg trenger et liv, og jeg prøver å booke et møte angående hva jeg skal gjøre fremover. Jeg tenker mye på hva jeg skal gjøre fremover. Og jeg styrer veldig med den satans døgnrytmen min, og jeg føler ikke at jeg kommer noen vei egentlig. Jeg drømmer om å reise med damene mine på høstferie, og scroller mye på restplass.no Jeg skriver på ‘Songs for the lost souls’-prosjektet mitt, og det er mye mer givende og gøy enn forventet. Leker med tanken på å en dag kanskje spille inn hele greia og legge det ut på Youtube. En fjern tanke, men likevel. Og jeg har gått masse tur med Harley (og Lulu, siden jeg har vært hos mamma), og på disse turene tenker jeg egentlig ikke særlig mye, jeg bare babler masse med de firbeinte ungene mine (To logiske brister her, I know. Ikke er de unger og ikke er de mine. Vel, tre logiske brister hvis vi legger til det faktum at de ikke skjønner hva jeg sier heller..)

En litt søt morsom historie angående akkurat det: Jeg pleier alltid å hilse Harley og Lulu med “Heiiiia, ungane mine!”, og hvis Aillon, nevøen min er tilstede og hører det, så blir han alltid veldig indignert og sier fornærmet “De e IKKJE ungane dine! Det e EG som e ungen!!”. Det er like søtt hver gang, hehe.

Ellers håper jeg alle har hatt en fin uke! Jeg trodde vi var sånn midt i uka omtrent, og fikk sjokk når jeg fant ut at det var fredag i går. Gi meg et hverdagsliv så jeg holder styr på dagene, takk.. Og går dagene like fort for dere som faktisk har et liv? Jeg må få på plass livet NÅ, neste uke sitter jeg med gebiss og bleie på sykehjemmet. Føles sånn i hvert fall!

It started with the rap and the rhymes for me, and I think that will always be my jam.

Still got nightmares about it

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I dream about my teacher warning me

»If you miss out on more now, what do you think you’ll ever be»

I always knew that if I dropped out, I might just never find a way back to a normal life

Bye to the kids, the picket fence, the damn dog, being somebody’s wife

But life happens, life crashes, and life sometimes stabs you with a knife

High school dropout, I’m that high school dropout

I know everyone thinks it was an easy cop out

But depression hits hard, and it hits you fast

and you’d be surprise how long that shit can last

I was so damn young, but I got stuck

Yeah I got stuck in the past

My best friend called, she said «What the fuck is going on»

and after a while no one even bothered to blow up my phone

I guess they saw that the girl I used to be, she was gone

I was like a living dead, I was haunted in my head, and the friends I had they all moved on

High school dropout, I’m that high school dropout

and everyone probably thinks it was a cop out

but depression hits hard and it hits you fast

and it doesn’t help that when everything falls apart

Pretty soon all you are, is an outcast

Yeah, all I am is the outcast

I stressed myself the fuck out, ‘Cuz I knew that if I dropped out I’d lose it all

But you’d be surprised at how fast and how hard you can fall

I couldn’t get up in the morning, all I wanted was to die

I lost all my reasons, I no longer had a ‘why’

I wanted to die, and damn it I would even try

But what do you know, I failed at that too

What a shock, huh, I fail at everything I do

High school dropout, I’m that high school drop out

Everyone thinks it was an easy cop out

Nah, I just wanted to be cropped out

I just wanted to not exist anymore

I didn’t just close that door, I wanted to close every door

You lose all perspective when you are flat out on the floor

Depression hits hard, and it hits you fast

and you’d be surprised how long that shit can last

So I dropped out, I dropped out

and now I am the outcast

I’m the, I’m the outcast

High school drop out, but I’m still alive I guess

Soon 35, still trying to figure out this mess

I guess not a lot of people would call this success

Then again, I kinda do

After all I’m the only one who knows

all the shit I’ve waded through

High school dropout, I’m that high schooldrop out

High school dropout, shout out to my high school dropouts

and to everyone who knows what it feels to be knocked the fuck out

I got this uncomfortable feeling

That I’m not ment for anything, and I’m not ment for anyone

and sometimes I lose track completely

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of who I’m fighting for, who I’m dreaming of

Who is it again, that I want to become

Love won’t call my name

Love won’t call my name

I am forever lost

Forever lost..?

I’m losing the game

I see myself as this old, sad woman

I think I’m destined to be her, be her

and I don’t know the steps to take to escape this fate

There’s a voice in my head telling me

I am already too late, it’s too late

Love won’t call my name

No love won’t call my name

I am forever lost

Forever lost..?

I’m losing every game

Sometimes it feels like everything I’ve endured was all in vain

Sometimes the only thing I can feel fully, is the pain

But there is a fire burning deep within

and I know I can grow thicker skin

until I am strong enough, strong enough

To go all in the game, any game, and I might just win

I might just win..

Love won’t call my name

No love won’t call my name

But loving myself, that’s where I aim

Yeah loving myself is where I aim

and that kind of love, that kind of love

Now that’s a love I could claim

In the end, all I know is..

Death will call my name

Yeah, death will call my name

If you are born, that’s the only end to the game

Death will call my name

Death will call our names

Death will call out our names

So let’s pick up whatever remains

And break free from these chains

Let’s break free from these chains!

Til ho tante Else, til alle som avsluttet livet sitt, og til alle som tenker på å avslutte livet sitt.

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There’s no way to reach you now

Now it’s too late to pick up the phone and call

and maybe if I had known, if I had done it

It would not have changed anything at all

But I know how it feels, longing to just disappear

I know how it sounds, when death whispers in your ear

Still, I had no idea someone as vibrant, someone as lively as you

That you heard those whispers, that you felt drawn against death too

and even after all these years, it’s still hard to accept that death got you

If only I knew

Maybe there was nothing I could really do

Still, I wish that I knew

‘Cuz I know that you had what it took

To push, to live it through

I know all too well

Life can be heaven, but it can also be hell

and sometimes we all need someone to tell

That life is a storm right now, but it can all turn out well

We can turn out well

and there is a way, a route

that leads us out of hell

If I could have talked you out of it

Maybe I couldn’t, but I would have wanted to try

There’s so much I’d like to say before I had to say goodbye

More than anything I wish I’d known

That you were in a desperate place, in need of an ally

I know all too well

That the darkest thoughts can feel like being under a spell

and sometimes we all need someone to tell

That life is a storm right now, but it can all turn out well

We can turn out well

And if there’s a way in, there’s also a way out

A way out, away from our personal hell

If I can talk you out of it

Maybe I can’t, but I’d like to try

There’s so much you can do, before you say goodbye

More than anything, I want to say

I’m here, if you are in a desperate place, in desperate need

of an ally..

If I can talk you out of it..

The way I’ve talked myself out of it

If I can talk you out of it

If I can motivate you just a little bit longer

Give it time, give yourself the time

You got what it takes, to be stronger

You got what it takes

and the heart can endure so much before it breaks

and even broken hearts can heal

You can heal

and just know you are never alone, you are never alone

No matter how lonely and lost you may feel

If I can talk you out of it

If I can reach you in this darkness

There’s only one of you, you know, and no one can replace you

Give it time, give yourself the time

You deserve to give yourself time

Wanting to die, is not a crime, it’s not a crime

But if you are at the bottom, you can climb, you can climb

Life is a storm right now, but it can all turn out well

You can turn out well

and if there’s a way in, then there’s gotta be, gotta be

a way out, a way out..

Of our own personal hell

There is a way out.

For my partners in crime ❤️

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Come on now, baby

Yeah, the drugs they call on you

But don’t pick up, don’t pick up

You are ment for so much more than that

So keep going, keep going, don’t stop!

Life likes to put us to the test

The night offers no time to rest, no time to rest

But remember, bad girls are the best

Yeah, that’s what I said: Bad girls are the best!

So come on, come on now

I hope I’m that someone that you can trust

Come on now, join me- a better life is waiting

We can, we will, and we must!

Come on now, darling

Yeah, life gave you one right in the socket

and now you’re standing still, with your hands in your pocket

Ah, life is unfair, that’s just the way it is

But you got the balls and the backbone to live through this

You can live through this!

Life, life is this one long quest

and some of us are cursed, very few are blessed

but remember what I told ya, bad girls are the best

Yeah, that’s what I said, bad girls are the best

So come on, come on now

Don’t let your faith turn into dust

Come on now, join me- a better life is waiting

and we CAN, we WILL, and we MUST!

I see that look in your pretty face, babe

You’re hurting and doubting and wondering why

and in your head you’re thinking “I shouldn’t even try”

But baby, there’s always the time to die

There’s always a time to die

So look into my eye

and tell me, would I lie?

Nah, so I’m just letting you know

You are the brightest shining star on the entire fucking sky

Yeah, sometimes the heart burns inside the chest

and life can throw us more than we are able to digest

So why do I keep saying that bad girls are the best?

‘cuz I am one, and I know some, and that’s why I can attest

Yeah, bad girls are, bad girls, are, bad girls are the best

So come on now, come on now

I hope I am, hope I am

Someone you can trust

Come on, come on, a better life is waiting

and WE CAN, WE WILL, WE MUST

Spent years in that classroom

Spent years, trying not to grow up too soon

Spent years in that schoolyard

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Spent years, trying to hide that I was already scarred

Life was rough, and I was too soft

Always having to pretend that I was hard

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I was right there, but I guess they didn’t want to see

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I don’t know why it affects me

Or why it should matter at all for who I’m trying to be

But it still feels like, feels like

There’s no room for me in this world

I’m still her, I’m still that invisible girl

Spent years, on the outside

Spent years, looking in

Spent years, being angry- when I should have cried

But I could not mourn the parts of me that died

And I was always too sensitive and my skin was too thin

and I could not knock on the door, no one invited me in

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I was right there, but I guess they didn’t want to see

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

I don’t know why it affects me

Or why it should matter at all for who I’m trying to be

But it still feels like, feels like

There’s no room for me in this world

And I still feel like, feel like

I’m still her, I’m still the invisible girl

All grown up now, but I can still look in the mirror and wonder where I went

All grown up now, but I can still get frustrated over the parts of me that are bent

Yeah, I’m all grown up but I still feel like I’m 8 at times

And in my head, there’s still these scenes from other people’s crimes

and I look at where I’m at and asking why I haven’t gotten any better or further

and at the lowest points of my life I think I’m someone I should murder

I’m someone I should murder..

They don’t remember me, don’t remember me

They always looked at me and never liked what they could see

They don’t remember me, remember me

It’s like I was wiped out from all of history

Ah, but it’s no mystery

And it should not matter at all for who I’m trying to be

But I can’t help it, ‘cuz it still feels like, feels like

There’s no room for me in this world

and I still feel like, feel like

after all these years, I’m still her, I’m still that invisible girl

I’m still that invisible girl

They ask me why I sleep the day away

And I could explain, but would they understand what I say..?

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I sleep so I don’t have to look at all these people going places

They all have this look, like they matter, on their faces

And I’m caged in, too scared to walk out the door at times

Feeling like my life doesn’t measure up to other people’s lives

She’s queen at night, loser by day

Asking herself why she acts this way

If anyone knows..

None will tell

And she doesn’t know how to lift this spell

She always feels like there’s someone she betrays

Wasting away her life, her potential

Yet she’s stuck in her ways

I’m up at night, because everyone else is asleep

I’m losing track of the days of the week

It doesn’t matter, no one misses me when they are awake

Somehow I handle it at night

In the harsh daylight it’s more than I can take

I sleep at day because that’s what it takes to keep the monsters at bay

If I sleep at night, they get to me in my dreams somehow and I’m scared of what they say

They tell me things that rings too true

My every move is wrong, what I say, what I feel, what I do

And when they wring their pointy fingers like daggers around my throat

They won’t let go, until I wake up, blue.

She’s queen at night, loser by day

Asking herself why she acts this way

If anyone knows..

They will not say

She always feels like there’s someone she betrays

Wasting away her life, her potential

Yet she’s stuck in her ways

Please don’t ask me why

I know you will not understand what I say

And you would only tell me

I’m wasting my life away..

Yeah, I’m wasting life away

Queen by night, loser by day

I’m wasting, wasting all my life away

Queen by night, loser by day

Wasting, wasting wasting..

The life I cannot live

I’m wasting it away..

Wasting it away

Suffering from mental illness to the point where you struggle to function, struggle to do what society expects or wants from you; is hard. It can be difficult for other people to understand your limitations when they can’t see what goes on in your head- and it can be hard to aknowledge it for yourself when you can’t always pinpoint why you struggle the way you do. There’s still a lot of taboos surrounding mental illness. It’s still easy for someone battling it, to feel shame and self-hatred. I know I do at times. But  practically no one wants to be sick, and that goes for mental illness as well. Most of us dream about just being able to function like the majority does. And it’s soul-crushing to face defeat after defeat, when chasing «doing what ‘everyone’ else is capable of doing». You look at the people you admire, and wonder what it is they have, that you are not able to figure out for yourself. I have this super-human of a mother, and I don’t know how I’m gonna be just a fraction of everything she is. She raised 3 resourceful, resilient children- and then there’s me- the completely useless piece of shit. This song is about being that piece of shit, I guess. Or feeling like a piece of shit- because I know somewhere deep inside there’s resources and potential that I haven’t yet been able to tap into. I am on a journey trying to get there- but this song is about the difficult feelings I have at times, when that journey seem to be at a dead-end. But remember: At dead-ends, we just start over again 👊🏼

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How does it feel to be you

And do all the things that you do

You check off on the list

You get it, if you wish

I’m not saying you don’t work hard, I know bloody well that you do

And none of what you have, was just handed down to you

And more than anything, that is why I wish I could be like you

And do all the things

That you are able to do

I’m just here, sabotaging myself

I’m just sittin’ down here, at the bottom shelf

I’m just stuck inside my head

Nah, I’m not mad that for a second there

You believed I was already dead

I think so too at times, to be honest

How does it feel to be you

Is there anything you can’t push through

And do you loathe me like I do

For not being able to function

like you do..?

’Scuse me while I question myself and fall apart

Stick my fingers together from trying to glue back together the pieces of my heart

Have you ever felt trapped inside your own body, like it was a prison cell?

And does the inside of your skull sometimes feel like hell..?

If so, I feel it too.. To be honest.

How does it feel to be you?

I’m just wondering what you do

If there’s a blueprint I could copy

So I could stop being.. Well, me

How does it feel to be you

Oh, how does it feel to be you

Just slip into your shoe

And make something, anything come true..

I’m fading away

I’m fading..

How does it feel to be you..?

You can’t see me, can you..?

Just like I can’t do the things that you do

I can’t do the things you can do

and if you hate me for it, please know

I hate myself for it too

You say «that’s not gonna help», and you’re right

You say «that’s not gonna help» and you’re right

And then you tell me I’m a fighter

»So get back on your feet and fight!»

I hear you mama, hear you mama

I know that you are right

You’re right!

My mama said, mama said
We are figthers, and she’s right
My mama said, mama said

We are fighters, now say it to yourself in your head..

We are fighters, and that’s damn right

So come on, come on now

Let us keep going, let’s fight

Dedicated to the strongest woman I know ❤️ May I some day be half as tough as you, and I’ll be satisfied.