Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

8 years, down this broken road

8 years, since I met this so called prince

(Everyone always talk about how you’re so handsome, argh)

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

But when the sun reveals your true self..

Now all I see, is a slimy toad

(They should talk about how you held me for ransom)

Ah, wish I could believe in karma

But all I believe in is revenge

Have you ever been strapped down and tortured..?

Oh, I got a lot to avenge..

I curse the day our paths crossed

Wish I could nail you to the cross

So you could feel the pain and confusion

Lose your mind so you could understand my loss

I hate you the most, ‘cause of all the people that hurt me

You knew exactly what you did

I read what you wrote in the aftermath

We both know the ugly truth that you hid

Oh, how I curse this demon,

that snuck inside my broken mind

It all fell apart from that moment

Now I’m stuck inside this broken mind

He has all the pieces of my shattered memories

He guards them with no remorse

They are still impossible for me to find

Oh, how he taunts me

and he still haunts me

He has the words to set me free

But he will never speak up

and he won’t leave me be

Freedom is somewhere I don’t have passport to

The gates remain closed

And heaven is a lie, there is no eternal life

I found out, when I overdosed

I no longer have ambitions

I failed at everything

Even at my suicide missions

I wish I’d never met you

Now it’s a little too late

I could not save my sanity

Now you’ve sealed my fate

Oh, I curse this demon

I didn’t know, didn’t remember

How it felt to have someone rape your bloody mind

He knows the parts of the story I can’t remember

The parts I can not find

So keep them, I don’t want to know anymore

If I have to face you again, I’ll poke my eyes out

If I have to see your damn face again

I’d rather go blind

Ah, wish I could believe in karma

But all I believe in is revenge

Have you ever been strapped down and tortured..?

Oh, I got a lot to avenge..

Ah, how he taunts me

and he still haunts me

He has the words to set me free

But he will never speak up

and he won’t leave me be

If I could, I’d nail you to the cross

And break your mind, so you’d understand my loss

If I get the chance, I’ll have my revenge

We both know it, don’t we

I got a lot to avenge

Lenge siden sist ‘hverdagslige’ innlegg (krever litt av en person som ikke har så mye hverdag, heh 🙄).. Tror bare jeg tar en liten oppramsing av minneverdige aktiviteter jeg har gjort siden sist.

I slutten av mai måned hoppet jeg i havet, for første gang i år. Litt juks kanskje, siden jeg kom rett fra en sauna, men this is Norway, tross alt. Gjengen min leide en sauna på Hinna, herregud så gøy! Fikk prøvd stand up paddle board for første gang, og hoppet fra taket på saunaen.. Anbefales skikkelig, om noen trenger tips til en kjekk aktivitet i Stavanger.

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

I helga var jeg på metal konsert på Folken med to lokale band, Todesking og Håndgranat. Det var også veldig gøy, begynner å bli en stund siden sist konsert-opplevelse nå.

I går var jeg på gratis Equinor-konsert i sentrum sammen med søster og eldste tanteungen. Har ikke så veldig peiling på norske pop-artister, men kjente i hvert fall til Vinni fra Paperboys 😅 Det var gøy det også, spesielt fordi tantegullet synes det var kjekt 🥰

Slenger med et dagens outfit bilde, så jeg har en kategori å legge dette innlegget under..

Dagens makeup:

I skrivende stund sitter jeg på flyplassen og venter på å plukke opp favoritt tanta fra Finnmark, vi får ha henne på besøk i 5 dager så det blir gøy 🥰

Håper alle har det bra.. Jeg vet ikke helt hvor på velvære-skalaen jeg er for tiden, ikke helt på bunn og ikke helt på topp- så da går det vel egentlig helt greit da. Jeg vet bare ikke helt hvor jeg skal satse fremover, må klekke ut NOE. Ett mål jeg har hatt en stund er å komme skikkelig i gang med trening igjen, men det har jeg utsatt.. På tide å få gang! Gud, som den dårlige viljestyrken og mangel på disiplin irriterer meg. Men ikke nok, tydeligvis 🙄

The rattle of chains, ringing in my head

Status quo is chained to my bed

I should walk out that damn door

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

Grab life by the balls and squeeze for all I’m worth

But right now I feel worthless

So I stay right put and thrash-talk myself instead

God, how did I end up as one of the most privileged

A safe country, a roof over my head, all the opportunities just dangling right in front of my face

The future in front of me, shoulda been ablaze

Shoulda, coulda, woulda..

Asking myself «Why don’t ya?»

The answer is merely just «HAH»

I’m stuck in my head

Stuck in my damn head, living like I’m already dead

I’m the sole reason why my life is rough

I can be brave, at times but..

I can’t be brave enough

I hate this person staring back in the mirror

I hate how I break when I need myself the most

I hate how when life throws me punches

My damn brain just goes «adios»

I chase this dream, to be more than I am now

But I can’t get seem to get anywhere close

Don’t feel bad for me, nah

I get what I deserve

I’m the sole reason why my life is rough

I can be brave, at times but..

I can’t be brave enough

I can’t be brave enough!

How did I end up like one of the lucky ones?

I got it all, got nothing to complain about

Never deserved it, just happened to be born here

Still, the guts needed just ain’t there

I shoulda, coulda, woulda..

Asking myself «Why don’t ya?»

I’m the reason why my life is rough

I know, I know this

I can be brave, at times

But I can’t, I just can’t!
Be brave, be brave, be brave ENOUGH

For my sefune (soulchild) forever ❤️

You’re in the dark

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Pitch black walls, that’s all you see

and I wish I could tell you, but sad truth is

that you can’t always rely on me

I’m so sorry baby

All the times I called you, batshit crazy

It’s so much better if you just let yourself hate me

I’d rather have it that way

than you thinking you should be the one to save me

You are lost right now, but I have all the faith in the world for you

I can see all the things you don’t believe that you’re capable to do

And I still believe you have it in you

To push your way through

What we say, what we feel, what we do

I doubt myself

I’ve never doubted you

You’re in the dark now

But there is still light in you

Baby, you gotta let it shine

Feeling lost, is not a crime

And you still got time

You are so young, you’ve lived through so much

I want so bad to stay sane for you, so my hand is there if you need it to clutch

We both need crutches at times, but baby one day we’ll run free

I hope I’ll always be around when you need someone

To remind you of all that you can be

What we say, what we feel, what we do

I can lose my mind

I can not lose you

Baby, I wish I could tell you now

How much you mean, how loved you are

When I am in the dark, I think of you

When the sky turns dark you are my shining star

Baby, you got it in you

You can get so far

Leave all this shit, all the demons, all the darkness behind

There’s a bright future on the horizon, one that I know you can find

Even at times when you feel completely blind

I promise you, it’s there..

Don’t let go

What we say, what we feel, what we do

Oh, I hate myself at times

But I will always love you

And I want you to love yourself too

There’s a room without windows or doors

I guess it was a prison cell in hell

I burned inside it for ages

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

I’ll always remember the smell

The stench of fear and burning flesh..

Why is it always the worst parts of life we remember too well..?

There’s no greater evil

Than the devil that talks to you from within

I need armour of iron

And I need to wear it under my skin

I made it out, but there was a price

The devil made me roll the dice

I still gotta pay, each and every day

I am just a puppet in the devil’s play

I don’t have complete control

There’s times when someone else paves out the way

And every now and then I gotta return back to the cell and I got no choice but to stay

There’s no greater evil

Than the devil that talks from within

I need armour of iron

And I need to wear it under my skin

It took all I had

To walk away

Someone traced each step I made

A trail of blood, from walking on the blade

The future is merely just a shade

The good die young, of course I’m still alive

If I could, I would trade

Life scares me now, more than ever

My worst fear is to die

Only to discover I have to exist forever

There’s no greater evil

Than the devil that talks from within

I need armour of iron

And I need to wear it under my skin

I am so alone now

There’s no one talking louder than the voices in my head

They tell me to just go to sleep

and pretend that I am dead

But at some point I gotta wake up

Then they tell me how I fail

Bleeding from walking on the blade

All the devils are on my trail

They want me chained up and back in my cell

They tell me that all I have coming

Is burning for all eternity in hell

Now the stench of fear and burning flesh..

Now that’s all that I can smell

Why is it always the worst parts of life

we remember all to well..?

There’s no greater evil

Than the devil that talks from within

I need armour of iron

And I need to wear it under my skin

I need it under my skin!

I thought I had this all figured out

Why I had to go and leave my old life behind

I forged this heart from steel, but now it’s turning tender

Time goes by, and now I can’t remember

I’m not quite sure how I feel

All I know, is I’m back in your arms

Ah, we had some good times, didn’t we

Although we both agree

That we are not each other’s destiny

But now you’re back inside of me

And we’re back to adding more pages

To this complicated history

I really thought I’d made up my mind

But I’ve said this before:

A good fuck is hard to find

I guess a good fuck can also make you go blind

But now I tell myself never mind

Back to dirty business, back to being your mistress

Pretending I can’t hear the ringing alarms

All I know, is I’m back in your arms

Ah, we had some good times, didn’t we

Although we both agree

That we are not ment to be

But now you’re back inside of me

And we’re back to adding more pages

To this complicated history

You’re in my bed and in my head again

Although I burned all the pages and flushed the ashes down the drain

And the story we write now, will probably end up just the same

I see it coming, so I only got myself to blame

Guess I’m addicted to this game

And addicted to you, and how you got my leg in spasms

It’s crazy what I’ll do

For these orgasms

Ah, we had some good times, didn’t we

Although we both agree

That we are not each other’s destiny

But now you’re back inside of me

And we’re back to adding more pages

To this complicated history

And I pretend, argh I’m so good at pretending!

Like I can’t hear the ringing of alarms

All I know, all I know is..

I’m back in your arms

The light, it seems too harsh at times

The days, they feel too long

I find it hard to get out the door sometimes

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

There’s nowhere I belong

And they say «Memento mori»

«Remember, you’ll die soon

It’s time you start to live, now»

But I was made for the moon

The night feels warm and welcoming

There’s not a soul in the streets

I only fit in, when there’s no one else around

So I can go without daylight for weeks

And they say «Memento mori»

«Remember, you’ll die soon

It’s time you start to live, now»

But I, I was made for the moon

I don’t have anything to show up for

I’m so used to locked doors

It’s hard to find purpose, or meaning

It’s hard to believe in anything-

Least of all myself..

I used to lie to myself to get through life

I can’t lie to myself anymore

There’s no expectations in the darkness

There’s no one around that I can fail

I am too visible in the sunshine, all my flaws gets so exposed

I tell myself to be brave, go out there anyway

But to no avail

And they say «Memento mori»

«Remember, you’ll die soon

It’s time you start to live, now»

But I can only live under the moon

I used to be the one

I used to be just right

When I bit my tongue until it bled

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

And kept all the angry words locked up in my head

And no matter what, I always welcomed you back into my bed

Well, I’m not her anymore

And now you’re only welcomed

By a locked door

Says I’m a bitch

Blames everyone else for being a snitch

Says bad rep is only based on lies and jealousy

»A good guy at the core» so I’m the bad guy now

You playing the victim, completely blind for the hypocrisy

Fine, I’ll play this bitch-card out

You don’t really have any clout

The type of person to shit from your mouth

Anything you got to shit to me now is met with doubt

And honestly I’m done with the stench

So ‘Scuse my french..

I still get thirsty but..

Ain’t something you can quench

I used to be the one

I used to be just right

When I looked the other way

And no matter how fucked up you’d get

I sucked it up and let you stay

Remember when you got kicked out of the bar?

And all the times you took it way too far?

I didn’t say shit, I kept it all in my head

And no matter what, I welcomed you back into bed

Like I couldn’t get satisfaction from someone else instead

Had to call an ambulance once, that was fun

And that time we met your enemies and you told me to run

And now you’d probably kill me, huh

If only you could afford that damn gun

Nah, I really did try but

Now my legs are crossed shut

I’ll run with this bitch-title and wear it with pride

I’ll take that one a thousand times over being your bride

I feel bad for whoever ends up that bitch ‘Cuz man she’s gotta be blue-eyed

In fact more like blind

’Scuse my french but

That bitch is gonna be hard to find

Whatever, now you’re outta sight and outta mind

I used to be the one

I used to be just right

When I bit my tongue until it bled

And kept all the angry words locked up in my head

And no matter what, I always welcomed you back into my bed

Used to ride ya ‘till your dick went sore

Well, I’m not her anymore

And now you’re only welcomed

By a locked door

It’s funny how for a while

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

You kinda kept me alive

And still, all this time it was

suicide, suicide, it was suicide

Now I can no longer hide or deny

I have to swallow my stubborn pride

There’s nothing left here that’s true

I can’t let go of me

I have to let go of you

Sweet, deceitful love

That burned between my hands

Now you hurt too much to hold

The heart that I threw it at

(I’m so sorry)

To me, forever remains closed and stone cold

In my mind we are forever young

In reality, we’re both turning too old

Too old for games, too old for lies

Too old to close our eyes

and make love in the darkness

I turn on the light now

and I see I’m alone

These four walls that surrounds me

They only ever made up my home

I was stupid I guess

’Cause I really did live for this mess

And all this time..

It was suicide, suicide, suicide

Now I can no longer fabricate evidence

Or lie to myself in self-defense

I have to swallow my damn pride

I can’t just let this slide

I can’t fight for something that ain’t true

I can’t live without myself (I need some more time before I die)

I can and I have to live without you (oh, you know all the reasons why)

Sweet, corrupted love

that burned between my thighs

I had to kill the flame

That kept us warm all those winter nights

(I’m so sorry)

I understand now, you never felt the same

In my mind, I guess I forced you to love me

In reality, such a thing could never be

Now I got to wake up and see

That I have to choose to live in reality

I am alone in the darkness

So I leave the lights off and keep you out of my dreams

Ah, all this time, it was suicide, suicide, suicide

So much more suicidal than it seems

Sweet love, that was never really real

All this time, I was the only one to feel

It did keep me alive

At the same bloody time..

It was suicide, suicide, suicide

I found only hell with you as my guide

And I’m not sorry, and you don’t feel a thing

You never asked for the heart I now unstring

In my mind, I made it all make sense

But it made my nerves too tense

Now I see it was madness

More than it was the cure for my sadness

You never held on to me at all

I was a fool, but now I know

And now I’m ready, ‘cause all this time..

It was suicide, suicide, suicide

And by choosing life

I let you go

Jeg forteller meg selv at jeg vet hvem jeg er, hva jeg mener, hva jeg står for, hva jeg liker. Forteller meg selv at jeg tør å være den jeg innerst inne er. At jeg står for det.

Men faen, så mange episoder det har vært de siste 8 årene der jeg sa alt det der, og trodde det 100% og så gikk det noen måneder og herregud som det smalt som et tog i fleisen min når jeg våkna og skjønte hvor feil jeg hadde tatt, og hvor sinnsyk den troa på meg selv i realiteten var. Og hvor mye psykotisk pisspreik og bisarre vrangforestillinger jeg hadde latt hjernen min renne over med, og attpåtil spydd ut til hele verden.

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Det har aldri funka helt for meg, å bygge opp en grunnmur av sunn selvtillit. Som tåler at folk sier det de sier bak ryggen din, som jo nesten alltid finner veien til ørene dine likevel, eller som tåler det folk sier rett i fjeset på deg- ord som føles mer som slag, eller at folk trekker seg vekk, forlater, distanserer seg, bare kutter deg ut, de du forventet det av, og de du trodde var genuint glad i deg tross alt, for alle bånd kan brytes med étt rykk. Til og med det jævla båndet jeg prøver å holde så stramt rundt min egen hjerne, herregud det båndet jeg lovet meg selv som 5-åring at jeg aldri skulle slippe- FAEN- det røyk, og nå vet jeg bare at det vil fortsette å ryke hver gang jeg lapper det sammen for jeg KLARTE det ikke pappa, jeg røyk båndet vårt og jeg røyk båndet til min egen hjerne, og noen ganger gjør det vondt som migrene i tinningene at ALT VAR FORGJEVES, og hva faen er egentlig vitsen med noe som helst nå?

Jeg prøver å si at vitsen er at jeg skal vokse, jeg må tørre, jeg må prøve å ransake skjelettet mitt etter noe som ligner en ryggrad, noe å vrenge ut av hjernen min som jeg kan stå for, men er dette meg, disse tankene, disse meningene, disse ordene, er dette mitt..?

Alt jeg sier høyt, alle valg jeg tar, ordene jeg former, livet jeg prøver og feiler og prøver og feiler å stake ut. Blir det noen gang mitt..?

Alt har så høy pris. Jeg blir jævlig fort ukomfortabel av meg selv. Flau. Selvkritisk. Om jeg sier for lite. Om jeg sier for mye. Om jeg gjør ingenting og later som jeg er død i perioder. Hater meg selv for det der. Om jeg gjør ting og faktisk lever, blir jeg bekymret. Er det for mye, bikker det over nå, må jeg holde igjen. Vet jeg hva jeg gjør?? Kan jeg stå for dette noen måneder ned i veien også?

Kan gjøre ting som skremmer meg, og tenke nå var jeg modig. Så går det 5 minutter, og jeg lurer på om jeg bare var dum og tankeløs nå.

Sier at jeg elsker å være kreativ, men det er like mye brennhett hat der. For jeg tror ikke jeg hadde blitt så syk om jeg ikke hadde hatt så mye fantasi, så mye rom i den jævla hjernen min som kan fylles med så mange rare tanker og bilder jeg kan gjøre så virkelige at jeg må tro på det.

Jeg har så behov for at noen skal forstå meg. Jeg har så enormt behov for å forstå meg selv. Men jeg tror aldri jeg blir noe mer enn ett freak show. Og ingen må være vitne til mer av det freak showet enn det jeg må se selv. Og likevel, så klarer jeg ikke å skjerme folk før det blir for mye. For bånd brytes med étt rykk, til hjernen min, til alt, til alle.

Det brenner i tinningene, ryggraden smuldrer bort, jeg vet ikke hva som er mitt for det er ingenting å holde fast i, og er det egentlig vits i noe som helst. For jeg klarer ikke å forstå meg selv, og det er bare meg igjen i verden som fortsatt trenger å gjøre det, herregud jeg er en idiot, det er jo ikke vits– Men det er bare dette jævla båndet til hjernen igjen, det som har røket mest, det er bare det igjen å klamre fast i, så jeg gjør det. Selv om jeg vet at det bare vil smelle rett i trynet mitt igjen.

Unnskyld til alle, og kanskje mest av alt til 5 år gamle meg. For at jeg røyk, og at jeg fortsetter å ryke det viktigste båndet jeg har. Den jævla hjernen min, den er jo ikke min lenger, og hva har jeg egentlig igjen nå, annet enn brutte bånd.

Freak show.