Sunniva Creative soul with a crazy twist

Some days just getting out of bed feels like mission impossible, but I managed to do it- altough very grumpy (I’m grateful I live alone on days like that.. 😅) I am not a morning-person, I want to be but I’m not quite there yet! My first thoughts when I wake up are usually really negative, and I’m trying to change my mindset and tell myself that it’s in my hands and power to create a good day.

And today was, I went swimming with my sister and oldest nephew. So no makeup and sweats it is. I would not enjoy makeup and style if it felt like something I’d have to commit to every day, I don’t know about you but I need those «IDGAF»-days 😅

For years I did not go NEAR anything that would involve a bathing suit, and it’s still not easy-breezy for me.. But I do it! I’ve mentioned before my struggle with eating disorders and body image, I used to be so sick in the head that when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t even see myself as human- I was convinced that I was a monster- a freak- and at times I couldn’t walk outside in broad daylight. I couldn’t handle being seen, because I felt so ugly and repulsive. It was horrible. I don’t really know how it started, I think just as a kid whenever someone treated me bad I would just jump to the conclusion that «Oh, it’s because I’m ugly» and I have no idea how that came to be- it just became the truth. As a child, I think you always try to make sense of things and figure shit out, and if you can’t the way you view yourself and others can get really skewed.. That’s what happened to me, anyway.

The thing I still struggle with are the parts of me that just are not «as they should be», and by that I mean.. Not perfect, I guess. My boobs, who’s been through a hellride in terms of gaining/losing/gaining/losing weight, full of stretchmarks, just the most «Not porn-aestethic»- tits you can imagine, if you catch my drift. And then there is a whole other list, but I’m not gonna go down that rabbit-hole. I try to tell myself that it is ok to not love all parts of my body, that it is ok to have flaws, that I’m still working on just being able to accept myself for the whole imperfect package I come in. And that it’s alright that it takes time, that it is an ongoing-battle..

I won today, because it didn’t get in the way of me enjoying time with my family, and plus.. Being in water feels really great. Someone told me once «How it feels is so much more important than how it looks». That’s so true ❤️

Ok, so today is the big «out of the comfort-zone and back to business»-day and I am really nervous but also really excited! I was really lucky to get this job, in the midst of Covid and everything, and I was REALLY lucky that I was wanted back after a looong recovery process from my latest manic episode.

Not only am I bipolar, but I’ve also struggled with really severe anxiety and I have let it take far more control over my life than I am proud to admit- but it’s the brutal honest truth. There’s been so much that I just couldn’t do because the anxiety attacks were too much for me to handle, it’s really hard when you feel like you are going to die if you don’t escape the situation- and then the only rational thing to do is to escape (fight or flight- and I’ve done my share of the flight!) and I’ve tried for years to find ways to deal with it but the past 6 months I’ve really made a huge break-through, and for that I’m so damn proud of myself! I’ll write more in debth about it later. Point is, yeah going back to this job and having to perform, is a huge trigger for my anxiety and it’s also a challenge for me to do something I don’t feel like I’m very talented or experienced in doing (I tend to avoid being a «newbie» or a rookie in things, because if progress doesn’t come immediatly then that becomes further proof to me that I am in fact completely useless and dumb as a brick, and that feeling is SO painful when you lack self esteem) but my main focus is going to be dealing with this the best I can, and I’m gonna work HARD on my own mentality and be really supportive, understanding and patient with myself! I try to think about how I talk to my nephew when he tries new things, how I encourage my 3 year old precious darling is how I want to encourage and support myself, because that is what the insecure and overwhelmed little girl I carry inside of me needs to hear! There is a part of me that hasn’t been nurtured the way I needed, and as an adult it is in my power to do this. I know I can!

Annonsørinnhold

Superkupp innen sport og friluft du gjør nå

I can’t go into this expecting to be perfect, I will be clumsy, make stupid mistakes and ask a million dumb questions- And that’s okay! What I can control is being eager to learn, do the best I can, and be a positive, polite, reliable and humble co-worker and employee.

I use an uniform at work, so I felt like how I dressed was not that important- something that’s easy to change out of so then a cardigan is perfect. This one is really special to me, it used to be my dad’s and I wear it whenever I need some extra courage- it’s my ’comfort blanket’. Pants are River Island.

Can we talk about these shoes..? I found them secondhand years ago, they are originally Zara and suede with sparkling studs at the back- so pretty! And the heels are not too high 😅

Aaand still obsessed with this 20 year old bag, hah- but that is kinda always my goal when I buy something- that I want it to last and still fit my taste even after decades passed.. I try to think long-term when I make a purchase, and only get things I really love- that way I don’t get sick of it after just a few wears. One of my pro-tips for shopping is asking myself «Ok, so I like this now- but can I see myself rocking this as a 40/50/60/100 year old?» 😅 It might sound weird if you are easily swept away by trends, but.. I like this way of thinking and I’m sticking to it 🤷‍♀️

I’m meeting my fav human after work, so I know that no matter the outcome- today will be a good day. Wish you one as well 🌹

If I had to sum up this (and to be honest, most) weekend in one word it would be.. Foodbaby! Man, I’ve said it before: This girl likes to eat!

I’m the type that will eat dinner at home, and then if someone suddenly invites me over for dinner I’m like.. «Ok, lemme just change into some bigger pants!»

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

That’s what happened yesterday.. I had to send the last picture to my friends, because.. Haha 😂

It’s quite a victory for me though, being able to enjoy food fully and having a more relaxed relationship to both food and my own body. I used to have serious eating-disorders, but I’ve come a long way. The most important part for me has been accepting that I can’t always eat 100% as «I should» and still avoid relapsing. I sometimes eat «too much» or «bad food» (by that I mean food that used to be forbidden or that I had to resort to bulimia in order to enjoy). I can enjoy eating junk food without feeling guilty or dirty, and I can eat whatever I want without that terrible urge that «Now I have messed up, I have to keep stuffing myself until I purge myself by throwing up». I feel like I finally have a healthy relationship with eating, and for me the biggest clue was being able to allow myself anything I want, and not having to be extremely rigid about what I eat. I think in a way my bipolar disorder has helped me a little there, because when I get hospitalized and heavily medicated I can gain a lot of weight really fast- but I just had to learn to accept it, that sometimes my body changes and it’s out of my control- and also, body fat does not scare me anymore- I was 90 kilos at the most and to my surprise that was the first time I was able to stop scrutinizing my own body and instead focus on what I liked about it- and I really loved having some serious curves! (And I’m kinda bummed I’ve lost them again, but baah..) In 2022 I wanna be more physically active, but damn- I will also EAT 😁 Life is too short, to not enjoy good food!

I’m not good with layering, but it’s kinda a necessity at this time of the year.. Don’t shoot me now, but this vest is actually real rabbit fur- I found it on the salesrack at 400 NOK and was like «Damn, that is the softest faux fur I’ve ever touched..» I didn’t discover it was the real deal until I was going to clean it, and I was kinda shocked. Not to mention real fur at that price tag?? So now you know, I’m that asshole that has real fur in her wardrobe- but I swear it was by accident.

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Oversized ‘leather’ jackets look so good on everybody else, but I feel like a little kid wearing my father’s jacket 😅 This one is from H&M, couple seasons ago..

I have loved statement earrings since I pierced my earlobes as a kid, my mama had these amazing waterfall-kind of blingy earrings and I would beg her to borrow them on every special occasion.. So naturally, I have gathered a collection of my own over the years (just cheap ones, expensive jewellery is NOT for me 😅). These I found on Ebay, I think they might be from the brand Nolan Miller..?

When it comes to makeup, I’m really into dipping my whole face in bronzer as you might be able to tell.. 😅

Now I’m heading out to be social with my family.. Hope you had a fab weekend 🌹 Tomorrow I start work again, after a long break- I’m really nervous.. But I will do my best, and I hope this will make a positive impact on my life- I just have to take it with a huge chillpill and not stress myself into a new manic episode.. Bah, life as bipolar- always balancing on the edge of the knife.

My energy levels must be at an all-time low, because the amount of sleep I’ve needed lately.. It’s never enough! But I managed to roll outta bed this morning and get dressed..:

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

I love sweaters with this kind of poofy sleeves, and I’m in general a sucker for items with some kind of detail to them- like the pearls on the sleeves and around the collar on this sweater- it’s from Only a couple of seasons ago..

The belt is vintage/hand-me-down. Pants are H&M (and do NOT fit me well, I think I need to have pants tailored because I can rarely find a pair that fits perfectly..)

And the ‘butch’ part of this outfit: Studded boots from Jeffrey Campbell, bought almost ten years ago and I had to re-sole them but they are still hanging in there 😅 Am I the only one still in love with studs..? I know as a trend they’ve been over for years, but I still have a slight obsession over spikey things.

Talk about studs, gloves are too! These are real lambskin, bought secondhand for like 5 $. This outfit was really bland in term of colors, needed a pop of it. Bag is like mentioned before, one of the first bags I ever bought so like 20 years- that’s WAY longer than any of my romantic relationships, haha 😅 (Is that funny or just sad..)

Anyway, hope you have a great weekend 🌹

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Smiling in pictures, feeling pretty dead inside. Why is it so hard for me to just be alive..? I need more.. I just don’t know what the hell I’m searching for. I don’t know why it feels like I’m dying, or why it’s so hard to find the motivation to keep trying. When a door slams shut in my face, it’s so hard for me to take. I feel like every little step forward always leads to ten steps back. Courage and persistence, is a skillset I lack. (I am the black sheep among angels) I need so bad some proof that I’m not completely useless, but.. (I have this amazing family, but we should be strangers)

Every damn attempt just shows I’m a hopeless case. I don’t know where to go from here. I want to build a version of me I can actually tolerate.. But the more I fail at it, the more of me there is to HATE. And if only you knew, all these messed up components that makes up my damn dysfunctional self, you’d hate me too. And something tells me that you do (I don’t blame you)

Heaven or hell; it’s all a state of mind for me. There’s more of a satan than a saint in me, so it was easy to figure out where I ought to be. I told myself I’d do my time and pay for my sins, but now I’m stuck here and I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I deserve to set myself free. Pitch black everything, that’s my comfort zone and I’m terrified of the light. I sleep through the days and suffer through the night. And when you ask, I tell you it’s alright.. It’s not alright, but I don’t want you to worry. If you are still capable of loving me, I know it’s hard to do, and I’m so sorry.. I’m so damn sorry. I’m so consumed with self hatred and I could not blame you if you hate me too. And a part of me almost hope that you do..

I’m not asking for mercy.. And when I break down and you still embrace me I feel so unworthy. All the times you’re strong for me and I collapse in your arms.. I feel so unworthy.. You are so much more than I’ll ever be. And it’s so unfair that I’m always the one falling, and you gotta be there to catch me. I wish you’d just let me break. Undeserving love, sometimes it’s more than I can take. I’m so damn hard to love, so much easier to hate.. Sad truth is it’s easier than to change my fate

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

I love dressy pants that are also comfortable, and this pair from Selected femme definitely tick that box. Wool sweater from H&M, found on sale some years ago.

Don’t come for me and my leopard faux fur 😅 I know this coat is not for everyone, but this is my 6th season rocking this, and it’s starting to look really worn out- but I still love it and hope it will last for many more winters to come.

Bag is ooold, like 20 years no kidding 😅 One of the first bags I bought, and it still looks new?? Shitty pictures, but it’s snakeprint with gold deets. Beanie is from H&M, another sequined gem. I love sparkle, who doesn’t!

Been some lazy, unproductive days in my sweats- but today I woke up and thought «Ok, today I’m gonna dress up with a little effort!» And very pink, apparently! But it’s a really grey, rainy day here so colors are welcome..

Annonsørinnhold

Hoka på salg: Kupp årets modeller til nedsatt pris

Knitted sweater from Only, satin pants from H&M, gold belt is vintage/hand-me-downs.

Raincoat and bag from Kapp Ahl, and shoes from H&M on sale for 150 NOK 🤓 Just a tip: Syntethic shoes with a little heel is a great alternative to rain-boots..

I clearly have a thing for deets in gold! Clock is vintage, from Halston- paid like 10 $ for it and it’s worth a lot more.. Ring is from H&M, I collect jewellery that is inspired by nature and animals.

Today I’m gonna get stuff done 👊🏼 I have such a need for sleep lately, seems I can’t get enough and I rarely feel fully rested- but today I do. Gotta use it for what its worth. Wish you a  good day 🌹

Mamma spurte meg her om dagen om jeg ville bli med å kikke på salget, og jeg sa selfølgelig ja, siden mamma har blitt (etter noen års intens krigføring, unnskyld mama bear!) min soleklart beste og mest lojale venninne i dette livet 🥰 Og det er jeg så stolt over å si, for GUD vi har jobba for å komme dit, og jeg har IKKE vært den letteste ungen/tenåringen/voksne dattera å holde ut med!

Men å «kikke» på ting med mamma, gjør som regel at jeg ikke kommer hjem tomhendt (hun sier at jeg ser fin ut i alt, uansett..) og det gjorde jeg ikke denne gang heller. Men altså, jeg har sagt det før og jeg sier det igjen: Det er på salgsracken at mye av det kuleste, mest spesielle, «ikke for alle» klærne ender opp, og det er jo akkurat det jeg liker! Timeless, classy pieces er forsåvidt også min greie, men jeg liker å blande det med mer spesielle plagg også, å kombinere vågalt og safe 🤪 Så er målet mitt her i livet også og prøve å balansere en crazy hjerne på et mest mulig stabilt punkt, kanskje det er derfor.. 😅 Klesstilen min representerer min indre kamp?? Har gått for lenge i terapi, må tydeligvis psykoanalysere alt.

Annonsørinnhold

Netthandelen tømmer lageret: Siste sjanse på kvalitetsvarer med opptil 75% rabatt

Uansett, her er catch of the day (og for å psykoanalysere det litt mer, kanskje shopping er sånn den primitive huleboerhjernen min som absolutt ikke er egnet for dagens hypermoderne samfunn får utløp for jakt-og samler instinktet sitt?? Ok, nå skal jeg slutte..)

Til mitt forsvar: En laaang cardigan i en nøytral farge har stått på ønskelista lenge, og endelig fant jeg den. Til 100 kr, steal!

En annen ting jeg har ønska meg lenge: En discokule av en t-shirt! Jeg har tenkt i alle år at skal jeg bruke crop-tops så må alt magefettet bort og jeg skal helst ha en six-pack men på tide å innse det: This girl likes to EAT og jeg har faktisk begynt å like babybumpen min (som altså ikke er en babybump, det er pure fett-ingen trenger å bli stressa nå). Forsvinner den så er det også farvel til det jeg har igjen av pupper, og jeg er skikkelig puppe-menneske (aldri skjønt meg på rumpe-mennesker, tits all the way og faen at jeg ikke har større, men ja ja).. Prisen var 75 kr, føler nesten jeg har begått et lite ran mot H&M nå.

Ellers i livet, så baler jeg fortsatt hardt med en skrudd døgnrytme og det skyldes nok mye at jeg alltid våkner med tunge tanker om morgenen. Jeg vet ikke hva som skjer med meg når jeg sover, for før jeg legger meg kan jeg skrive i Positivitets-boka mi at jeg skal stå opp og tenke positivt, gjøre ditt og datt og ha en produktiv dag med positivt mindset, men så våkner jeg og bare «Åååååårh, jeg ORKER ikke en ny dag som meg selv, jeg vil bare soooove til jeg døøøør», også gjør jeg det da, helt til det ikke er fysisk mulig å sove lenger. HVORFOR?? Er det noen andre som har det sånn?? Jeg blir så frustrert og oppgitt over meg selv!

Men det er bare å prøve og prøve. Kanskje jeg har vært deprimert så mye og så lenge at hjernen trenger tid på å restarte helt? Lære å leve nytt..? Jeg vil videre, men å ikke greie en basic lifeskill som leggerutiner og stå opp-rutiner og generelt bare gripe dagen.. Jeg sleit så mye psykisk i så mange år at natta ble min safe-spot, turte ikke gå ut i lyset, turte ikke å bli sett av andre mennesker.. Jeg er jo fortsatt redd til en viss grad, men har mer kontroll på det nå og jeg VIL eksponere meg, gå rundt i lyset med alle andre, kjenne at jeg takler det, at jeg er klar for det, at jeg kom dit til sist.. Men det er så vanskelig å snu! Har satt seg biologisk og ikke bare psykisk, natta var for meg, den levende døde, dagen var for de modige levende.. Men jeg vil være blant dere nå! Jeg vil være modig, jeg vil være i live..

Vil jeg, så skal jeg få det til. Patience and practise and DO NOT GIVE UP 👊🏼
Er det liv, er det håp!

Avslutter med dette blinkskuddet tatt av Aillon, tante sitt gull på 3 år. Meg på mitt styggeste, null sminke og sliten etter vrangsøvn men hey, dere fortjener å se mitt sanne ansikt også 😅 Lærte han å ta bilder med telefonen min, og han var så skjønn når han entusiastisk sprang rundt og knipsa bilder av alt og alle.. Takk til min søster og (sviger)bror for at dere skapte disse to miraklene, tante er desidert min fineste tittel og jeg er ikke i nærheten av å være den de fortjener- men jeg skal dedikere livet mitt til å jobbe mot å bli det!

❤️ KJÆRLEIK❤️

I can’t be like this

Can’t look myself in the mirror anymore

Can’t recall if its always been like this

Annonsørinnhold

Oversikt over salgene: De beste kuppene nå

Or if I was in any way different before

Can’t take no more

There’s nothing left to dull the pain

I try each day to change

But I can’t seem to

Hence the self-hatred remain

I fear it’s pushing me over the border

Makes me lose my mind again

I miss wanting to make you laugh

I miss the urge to smile

i need some motivation

Feel like the struggle is worth the while

I want to find pleasure in the smallest things

I want to believe in myself, tell myself I can fly away from this version of me I’m starting to hate..

But this self-doubting is cutting off my wings

And lately I’ve been telling myself it’s too late

I’ve been here so many times before

I’ve told myself so many times

«I ain’t doing this destructive shit no more»

Maybe that’s why I just can’t change

A positive mindset is so hard to arrange

I’m so scared of my own thoughts..

They can get so strange

One day I’m fine

Then the next day I wake up and I’m outta my mind

It’s so hard to know how hard I can push

And if I can even trust the lust I feel for life

I’m always balancing on the edge  of a knife

I want to be brave

I want to break the chains in my head that is keeping me a slave

I want to grow

I want to be so much more

Than I am now

But how?

One step at the time

It goes slow but it’s alright

I have learned the hardest way

Maybe someone can, but

I sure do not change over night

One step at the time..

Right now, I’m doing fine

I have control over my own mind

(It can change so fast..)

At least I’m no longer stuck in the past

Gotta accept

There is so much I have yet to learn

And self-acceptance takes time to earn

Just try, always keep trying

Let go of these thoughts that I’m dying

I am learning to regulate the pain

And if I go insane, that’s shit luck

Nothing else to do than start over again

I am working on going from my own worst nemesis..

To becoming my own best friend

Silence the cruel critic inside my head

Tell myself kindly: I can do this!

I can, I will do this..

Doesn’t matter how long it takes

Or if I sometimes gotta hit the brakes

That I sometimes hit and miss

I can do this!

I can, I will do this

It may not be smooth, but I’ll make it through

C’mon 2022

There is hard work to do 👊🏼